Fate

As we drove up to CT on Sunday, I saw horseback riders along the hutch, and then a hawk taking off into the green forest from the side of the same road. Later on 684 I spotted a car stopped by a police officer with what were either nuns or kids dressed as nuns standing outside of it. I thought, Is this drive putting on a circus for me? What will I see next? I didn't see anything, but the way the events of the day unfolded made me think about faith and free will. I thought about the difference between believing you've been put in a place for a reason, or just happening to be there. Was I put on the road on this Sunday to see all those odd events? I believed I was even more after my trip to CT was able to instead of bring my Grandmother for a nice visit with her family, bring her to see her dying sister-in-law who was brought to the ER the moment we stopped to pick my Grandmother up 30 minutes away.
My Grandmother has lost most of her sight and can't get to see her Brother and Sister-in-Law unless someone takes her, which doesn't happen often. With their ailing health, and the 3 of them being the last of a family of 7, not only did I want to bring them together, but I wanted to visit with them too, I'm a family girl.
It was supposed to be an afternoon of sitting and talking, of packing up their anniversary china that they've gifted to Matt and me. Instead, it was an afternoon sitting in the ER, watching my Great Aunt struggling to breathe through the oxygen being pushed in to her lungs. Through all that, I was so thankful that Matt and I were there to be able to bring my Grandmother to her brother. He was clearly relived she was there, and she got to feel part of helping, instead of sitting anxiously by the phone like she's done 4 times prior in the past month when one of them has been to the ER.
Later that night as Matt and I ran I talked about fate versus free will. Part of me felt like I was fated to be there, to bring my Grandmother to her Brother, like there was some higher being pulling the strings. But then when I think about losing my Dad, there was no higher reason for that, nothing good came from that, I don't believe it happened for a reason.
Matt talked about how appealing the prospect of fate is, in that it helps you take a bad situation like that afternoon and give it meaning.
And the afternoon took on even more meaning this morning when I got the call that Freda had died. Thank God, I thought as I pushed back the sadness and dressed for work, that we were there on Sunday so Bubba could see her one last time. Thank God, or whoever and whatever it is out there, if anything at all.

Hibiscus to Dad

Sometimes when I say something out of the blue, I'll follow it up with an explanation of my train of thought. I enjoy being able to trace the thought back to something concrete, to follow where my mind took me from a certain trigger to a conclusion.
Earlier this week, I was walking south on Lexington to 92nd and all of a sudden just thought, wow- my Dad is dead. I ruminated on how interesting it is that those types of thoughts will just pop in to my head from time to time, that although I think of him often and my loss, it will often just hit me that I had a Dad and now I don't.
In this instance though I decided to trace it back. I had just walked by a flower shop and saw a really lovely hibiscus tree and thought how nice it would be to have one. I chided myself thinking, there's no way I could have one because there is no good outdoor space for it. Then I concluded that the outdoor space I would think of to put it is Mom's house, and that lead me to thinking of new outdoor plants she's put in, which made me remember the hydrangea bush she got, which was after Dad died. Then there it was, my Dad is dead.
In some ways it was comforting to follow my train of thought, to watch where my mind will take me and know where triggers may lie.

My Day

The first Father's Day came a little over a month after Dad died. Bubba, Burton and a Schain family friend came to NH. It was horrible. Mom, Sammy and I were so not in the mood to be with anyone, we didn't want to be doing anything for Father's Day except ignoring it. We were miserable, Sammy was on the verge of a melt down, I wanted everyone to be happy, and Mom was just flipped out.
After they left we all went to the beach and jumped in one of the lakes in our town. It felt great to let the day slide off of us under the water, but the memories of that day still remain and they aren't good.
As I moved through the first years mourning process I read somewhere that when you've lost a parent you should celebrate yourself on the ____ Day meant to celebrate them. I liked that idea. It was a great way of ignoring the holiday, but also giving yourself some you time.
When I started my new job and found out the sister of a spa owner worked there allowing us a nice discount I decided that going to the spa would be my father's day ritual. So I went, and it was wonderful.
I'm going again today, and I've been excited for weeks.
Yesterday I got less excited because of the ripples it caused that I wouldn't be going to Queens with Matt. He's put in a hard position, and like any good relationship we are open and honest with each other so he doesn't hide anything from me. I am so grateful for that, but it makes it hard to hear why and how they are upset. I want to vent about it, but I won't, I did enough of that yesterday.
What is important to me is that I get to do something for myself today, I will not be thrust in to celebrating Father's Day when I don't want to, I don't have to be reminded that I don't have a Father to celebrate, and that the Father's in my life, while I care for them and think they are great men, aren't the one I lost and don't make up for that loss. I will celebrate them on their birthday's and other occasions. I get to have this one day to do what I want to, because it is my loss to cope with and I get to chose.

Okay, so that is a little of a vent... I told Matt last night I wish I could write him cue cards to read off of when he has to deal with these odd interventions... I so wish I really could...

Off to the spa, where all this will be exfoliated off of my skin, and my mind.

Thunder Storms of Summer

I remember when I was younger, laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and hearing adults out on our screened in porch laughing and watching the storms roll in. Maybe it was the sound of their merriment during the crackling booms of thunder that ingrained in me a sense of delight and not fear.
Tonight after the second storm rolled in to the Upper East Side, I could feel another brewing- and I got as close to a porch as I could, our fire escape, and turned my head up to the sky to watch the dark clouds sweeping by, to catch the glimpses of light piercing through the thick layers. The wind picked up and more and more drops hit my shoulders. I felt so alone standing out there, like no one else in the city was outside. I could see figures in windows around me, even the houses around me where dark and motionless. It felt good. The storms are soothing to me. I go back to that place of being safely tucked in, and I can hear the laughter around me.
I count every time I see the light flash, I know when the storm is getting closer. I can feel in the air when the rain will increase. Just as it did, I put my foot through the open window and stepped back in to my apartment.
I watch the breaks of light and relish in the cracks of thunder, even safer here, I know.

I like giving old songs new lyrics

Nightrunning, remembering that night
When summer hit before mid June
And we could see the moon
Here we are just two
Running side by side in full sweat
Around this with no sun
And still the need has won
For nightrunning

You, I'm glad you're with me
You, thank god you run
You, you're running with me
Laughing while you choke on bugs
Nightrunning

Packing It In

I feel like I did a ton today and it is only 7:30, although that Sunday evening dread is starting to get to me a little bit, but seriously- even actually saying all we did today out loud doesn't remind me that it wasn't that much after all, that's how I know we really did pack in a lot on this hot hot Sunday:

Walk to West Side
Run 5K, and then drink lots and lots of water- thank god they had ice cold washclothes to give us- brilliant move on their part
Walk back to East Side
Have Brunch
Call Relatives
Nap
Do Law School Work (That one wasn't me)
Watch Yankee Game (Partially during my nap)
Clean Toilet
See "Zohan"
Grocery Shop

And now I'm going to make dinner. Niiice.

PS: I discovered today that we now get HGTV HD. I'm super pumped. If the Celts weren't on tonight I'd totally be tuned to that.

PPS: I'm slowly but surely editing and posting all my CA pictures on Flikr- click on the Widget on the right side of the page to go to them. It was QUITE lovely.

P.S. Another Warning

So, I watched P.S. I Love You last night, despite the warnings of several people including another blogger.
I read the book and loved it, it was touching in just the right way- but also hopeful and funny.
The movie really just kept ripping your heart back open just after it had started to feel hopeful.
From the first scene I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I had to keep watching, I had to give it a chance. How could Hilary Swank be so bad? Lord knows, but she was. I really enjoyed Lisa Kudrow and Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
The moral of this post is, that I shouldn't have watched this with Matt out for the night. God does it slap you in the face with a reminder of the fear we all have of losing the one we love, the one we've chosen to share our lives with.
Of course I'm always thinking about the fact that we don't know how much time we have with any loved one. Watching my Mom lose the love of her life has made me wary of what loving someone with so much of yourself can do, but going through that process also made me incredibly thankful to have found it and to have watched my parents share it so I could model my own relationships that way. All I wanted, as the movie would nose dive in to sadness and deep loss, was to hold Matt and know that I still had him. I guess if it did one thing well it was portraying what the bottom is like, but it did it so sporadically and just when you started to feel a bit better with Holly, I wasn't a fan of that, it was inconsistent and nothing like the book. I want to be with a character as they learn and grow through a process that I can relate to, on any level. This was more like- strap yourself in for this roller coaster ride of emotions with a character you can't relate to because she hasn't been built up well. No thanks, I want a refund.

So, when Matt did come home I greeted him with open arms, so happy to see him. I pulled him in close and tight, and then I quickly pushed him away.
"What did you have for dinner?"
"A burger with onions and avocado."
"Yep, it's the onions."
At least I had him back in my sights if I didn't want to hold him too close.

Life is a Winding Road

I picture us all, putting our left hands in to the center, a photo being taken of all of us with diamonds on our ring fingers. Soon, I think, we'll be old married folks. And after that, well, we're all following that age old path. Marriage, babies, homes and more. I know some people see it as this avoided path. They don't need a man to define them, they don't want to have children until they are done getting all the selfishness out of their systems, they don't want to have to spend their money on college savings and home ownership.
That's not me. I don't even think of it in those terms. Sure, I know it takes a lot of things, time, money, commitment, budgets, community, self sacrifice. I'm ready for all of that... and I am so excited to do it in tandem with such dear friends.
I still feel young, and ready for the next step, and yet sometimes I feel like we're all growing up so fast and the next phase of life is coming really quickly on the heals of engagements, marriages and homes bought.
I've always been one to follow the typical path, and I'm still solidly on that winding road, ready for the ups and downs (Because we all know there are more downs in the journey).

Vacation

We drove on tight curvy roads a bit too fast
We tasted glass after glass of good wine and found it hard to believe it was all really that good
We ran along the Russian River
We bickered and laughed and poked fun at each other like good families do
We met the man whose Grandfather illegitimately fathered Ted Williams
We saw the Golden Gate up close and from Land's End
We walked the tiny cramped streets of China town
We walked and ran the long steep hills of the city
We took in a game
We went to where the city ends at the ocean and just drove
We marveled at mansions
We saw the Pacific, and wound along it through small towns with big fields
We saw large redwoods that rose infinitely in to the sky and then turned a bend in the road and found hills upon hills of golden grass that clung to our clothes after laying in it.
We had meal after meal placed in front of us and it was all good, and sometimes of our own making.

And it was good.

Ben & Nate

Ben & Nate, originally uploaded by adkcub.

A fun visit with Leila's boys on Saturday, and lots of great photo ops :)

Spring is Here

Spring is Here, originally uploaded by adkcub.

After the Tri!

Musing on Breezes

I forgot my umbrella this morning, and then it didn't even matter. Every time I walked outside the sky was clearing a bit and the sun was poking through. I walked to the gym in my shorts and tank top with no jacket- it felt like spring/summer finally since I didn't have any place to put my phone or keys.
I love evenings like tonight's. Feeling the breeze through the open bedroom windows, walking to get dinner in pajamas that don't look like it because it is spring and you can wear lighter and softer things that go either way. Everyone was walking dogs, or meeting friends, people are more friendly, saying hello, giving their neighbor a smile.
I felt light and happy being outside in the early evening. The sun was starting to set, and the wind was picking up. I love the feel of a spring or summer breeze. As I laid in bed last night tossing and turning I tried to focus on how great it felt to be under just a sheet with the night wind blowing over me. I thought to myself that it might be one of my favorite feelings, but then my turning mind thought of many more feelings that could be favorites and I lost the moment. I got it back again tonight, walking down my block. It came back, the lightness, happiness, fulfillment and the safety in cycles, in this time of year returning again.

You've come a long way Baby...

The last few days I've been speculating about what this week would be like. How I would feel, how I would react to daily life with the fog of 2 years ago on my brain. Sunday was the day anniversary. Today I realized that around the same time my Dad died 2 years ago, I fell in to a conversation about death. I talked about what I think happens when you die and relayed in conversation, moments after it happened two years ago, what it was like to watch and how I had to believe that the end of my Dad's life did not mean the end of his spirit living on. He was staring at the ceiling for days, as if he saw someone, something, some people waving him along (and I don't mean in to Heaven) and just before he died he smiled at my Mom. I do believe your spirit remains. But that's a different story, the point I mean to make is that I relieved those moments on the day of with no realization of what it meant in the moment.
Tonight Mom and I talked about the week, how we're feeling and most of all how fucking far we've come. Last year was a Shit Show, no details necessary. This year we stronger, and more grounded in who we are without Dad, and who we've become as a family and as individuals without his physical presence.
It almost feels like a year is not enough time to be in such different places. I am honestly surprised when I think about last year, about being home for a week, unveiling Dad's grave, feeling like my world was crazy, resisting a vacation, resisting what I was feeling. I picture over and over getting angry at Matt and then coming in to the bedroom and just sobbing as I stared out the window, and now it's not the reason for the anger I remember its realzing that I was really angry with myself for not knowing what to do with all the sadness. I look back at various posts from last year and the experience comes flooding back to me. The feeling of going through the motions one more time.
The need to convince myself that I would enjoy a vacation. And, finally letting myself grieve and heal in a more healthy way.
Sure it would still take me many more months to understand the role I was playing wasn't the one I was cast in, but maybe last year was the beginning of that next cycle I had to go through. Now, I find myself in a place where I'm ready for what I may or may not feel, I want to let myself experience it and grieve it in a healthy way. As Mom said, we should be proud of all we've gone through and how far we've come in a short amount of time. And really, I am. That is an emotion I do feel strongly now. I feel pride at how much I've grown over the past two years, pride at how strong I can be when facing tough situations and conversations. Pride at who I am growing up to be and all I will do with my life. And what is most satisfying about remembering that during this week is knowing how proud Dad would be of me.

Absent

Lots of things whirling around, that I just don't feel like writing down flushed out. It is an interesting time of year for me. I love Spring, I love the renewal, the growth, the warmth, more sun, all of that. Spring will also always represent loss, sickness and anxiety. Every year in March and the beginning of April I relish in the things I love that begin to change with the season, and then as April turns to May I start to think more and more of my Dad. I feel the emotions I did when he was sick and dying, it doesn't matter if there is something I can attach them to or not.
Anyway- I guess it is the conflict of all of the above that stunts me. It's not like there is nothing going on in my head, I just don't feel like writing it down.
Stay tuned, I'll be back.
If you're new to the blog- check out the archives from April, May and June 06 to get a glimpse of what returns this time of year.

Weight Watchers Cool Hunting

I haven't done one of these in awhile! But, I've been thinking of all the things I could link you to- so here we go, let's have some fun!
I'm back in Weight Watchers and really enjoying it this second time, so I'll pass on some of the products I've been enjoying while making my habits and self much healthier.

FRS: I'd heard about this product for a year or so from the hungrygirl email list, and I think one other online source. I was always iffy on trying it, but come the new year I decided to stop drinking coffee- not for any health reasons as I don't think it is bad for you, but more for financial and simplification reasons ("We can leave after I have my coffee" "Oh on the way we need to stop for a coffee"). I knew that I was reliant on coffee for energy in the morning, and FRS was a great answer. Honestly, this product is the real deal. I have found myself with much more energy, I only get the 3:00/4:00 slump when I have had my second glass and it has been very helpful in helping me maintain my increased activity level. For $36/ month I get plenty to use and it auto-ships to me for free. They have a 14 day trial, which I took advantage of to test it out, and it only took a week for me to know it was making a difference. If you are looking for something like this, go for it. It is worth it.

Fiber One Bars: These things ROCK. They are packed with fiber, delicious and filling. The perfect afternoon snack when you don't think you'll make it through until dinner. The perfect thing to have in the car on a longer trip. I love them. The one downside, is the high fructose corn syrup. If that isn't something you're focused on, then this is probably the best granola/cereal bar I've come across.

Everlast Groove Pocket Crop Pants: These pants rock. I've been running outside a lot more now that the weather is turning to spring, and these are the perfect pant for it. Not only are they breathable and comfortable to run in, but I can easily put my ipod and door key in the handy pocket and not worry about a thing! I prefer crop pants for exercise since I don't have to worry about chaffing or riding up and these are great all season ones. I wasn't cold when the air was still chilly, and I didn't get too hot running in them last Saturday when temps were approaching 80. Seriously- if you're in the market, check 'em out. I was lucky and got them during a daily candy deals offer, but I'd pay full price for them too.

Amy's Burritos: These burritos have played a huge role in ensuring Matt and I are eating something healthy when we need something quick and easy. They are packed with good things that taste good too, and for the WW readers they are low in points too. I think I've tried all the dinner varieties and they are all delicious. I love them with a side of spinach salad, some sour cream and salsa and maybe a handful of corn chips. Amy makes a mean Tamale Pie too.

Skinny Cow Fudge Bars: These got me through those first few weeks after WW started of wanting something bad for me. Luckily, they hit the spot and aren't bad for you. I don't know how they did it at Skinny Cow, but these are yummy and rich tasting and the ingredients list doesn't frighten me. Seriously, give them a try. They have a weird outer couting of ice, but once you crack that, it is all fudgey goodness.

Geez, after this post you may need to hit the supermarket! Enjoy :)

Cherry Blossoms

Cherry Blossoms, originally uploaded by adkcub.

Pope and other Mania

The evening was so lovely, a walk to the West Side through the park, camera in tow to capture the cherry blossoms along the bridle path that I'm gaga over right now. We ate at a favorite place on the Upper West Side and decided during dinner to take the rest of the evening slow instead of rushing to see a movie. We'd treat ourselves to cupcakes at a nearby bakery and then stroll home through a dark and quiet park. We did just that, and it was perfect. As we neared East 72nd we realized how close we were to Pope central.
The scene was pretty wild. More emergency, police and surveillance vehicles than I could see on a weekend of Cop show Marathons. Lights, rising bullet proof watch towers, a lot of satellites raised off of trucks, many men sitting in vans watching TV, their ears trained to emergency radios. 72nd St was lit up like Times Square. Intense, and fun, to see the action, take in the "big deal" that exists just 20 blocks below us.
As we were discussing religion, life and love on the way back up Madison, my phone rang.
"860?" I said at a number I didn't recognize.
"Connecticut" Matt said.
I expected it to be my Dad's cousin calling about Passover plans tomorrow. It wasn't.
I don't want to and can't get in to it here. Needless to say, sometimes you just don't want to have information you do, and just knowing bites you in the ass. Stressful? yes. Annoying? yes. But something I need to be reminded of, and something that will help me develop and make me a better person for going through it. I just need to remind myself, that I'm not in the wrong and it will all be okay. The person calling ended the call with, "I know this isn't a nice way to start a weekend." No, definitely not a nice way to start a weekend. Writing it out is my final step of "letting it go" so to speak, and that I will. I shall let it go, and enjoy my crazy family filled Saturday and hopefully lovely and park filled Sunday.

Thursday & Saturday

Thursday
8:00- Woke up, went for a run, felt great after
10:00- Arrived at work, attempted to focus on something for 2 hours
12:45- Arrived at Doctor and felt like butterflies were eating my stomach
12:45-1:15- Had easy and stress free appointment where the Doctor told me why she went in to the field she did, that I was as healthy as can be, that there was absolutely nothing to worry about, and laughed at my jokes.
6:30- Had a fantastic wine tasting event where everyone laughed, drank, ate and had a merry time
9:00- Got home and feel in to bed, happy, anxiety free and excited, finally, for the weekend to come.

Weekend
Caught up with a friend, picked invitations, ran a good race, settled and decided on lots of details for the reception, picked specialty wines, finally met my florist and got to see a friends new lovely house!

Here's to Monday- may this be an easy, lovely, stress free week... for everyone.

Yikes

What an anxious week this is turning out to be. So much uncertainty, well not really that much- but too much for this hyper-planning mind of mine. Is it Sunday yet?
Part of the problem is all the anxiety inducing "stuff" is on Thursday- a day so far in to the week that Monday and Tuesday although relaxed and easy, have been filled with stressful thoughts of Thursday. I haven't even enjoyed the chill time. I was so anxious last night I stayed up until 1 finishing a silly chic lit book, just to do something to occupy my racing mind.

And as I ease in to the remainder of my evening tonight, I'm looking forward to Wednesday even less, why can't it just be Thursday already?
Maybe if I plan my day out a bit it will help.

8:00 AM Wake up- Work out
10:00 AM Arrive at work
12:15 PM go to Doctor
2:00 PM Arrive back at work? (Here's where the stress begins, I don't know if I'll be back by then..)
6:30 PM Have wine tasting I've organized go off without a hitch

See, see that, those 4 hours where I have to go buy all the food for the tasting and do my work, that is if I have those 4 hours at all. My Doctor's appointment may run long, my Doctor's appointment may involve something invasive that deters me from even being able to go back to work.

OY

My lovely future husband just brought me a Klonopin. Thank God. I won't even get in to the fact that I'm running in a 5K on Saturday which in and of itself causes me anxiety. (Doesn't matter the race, the reason or my preparedness I get anxious)

Fantasy

Although I’m a planner, always looking ahead, looking forward to the next moment, event, time I can plan for, I realized on Monday that I often don’t put myself, or picture myself in those future plans. I got kind of a shiver as I realized this, it came on the heels of receiving news from a doctor that I needed a closer examination of something. Of course my initial panicked anxiety was about the worst. Does my not playing out future plans mean something larger? Does it mean I won’t be there?

I thought about the wedding I’ve been planning for the last 8 months. All the details have been thought of, everything is laid out, booked, ordered, picked. Despite all that, I’ve never sat and pictured myself getting ready in the morning, walking down the aisle, having pictures taken, dancing, dining, greeting. I don’t put myself in to the plans.

I thought of something else, something closer, going to Northern CA in May. We had planned time in San Francisco and Sonoma County, we had bought Red Sox vs A’s tickets, we had inquired about VRBO places. We had talked many times about the thrill of driving up the coast, but I hadn’t pictured myself in the car, at the wineries or cheering on the sox.

I kind of shook my head as I thought of this, telling myself, it doesn’t matter. So I don’t day dream, I don’t fantasize about how it could be, will be, should be. It doesn’t have some higher relevance, it isn’t some other worldly knowledge that is being translated in to my planning. I remember a time in the months after my Dad had died, and Sammy had struggled when my Mom and I were talking about plans for the next year, in April or May and I thought to myself, “If we’re here then.” After I got off the phone, I was completely shaken. Why did I have that thought? Why was my mind going to that place? What did it mean, if anything? Did I know that one or all of us wouldn’t be here in a years time? Of course nothing happened, and we’ve all remained happier and healthier as time has moved on.

Yesterday after work, while killing time before meeting a friend for dinner I was browsing in the Gap and saw a dress I loved, I thought to myself, “This is perfect for the morning after wedding brunch.” And then I pictured myself walking around and greeting guests in it. Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought about our trip to CA and saw myself in the stands wearing my green Red Sox hat.

Shared Life

I think one of the many reasons I feel in love with Matt and wanted to share my life with him was how different his upbringing was and how that had given him many different hobbies, interests and experiences. I wanted someone who would balance me, but who had the same values and morals. One thing that has always been evidently the same is our commitment to family and the importance it holds in shaping our lives.
One of the differences has been our exposure to outdoor activity. I grew up playing outside until I was either cold, it was too dark, or I got hungry. Vacations were camping, or on a lake with swimming, canoeing or kayaking. Weekends were often spent hiking in good weather, xc skiing in winter and a combination of biking, running and swimming in summer, and although I never really took to organized sports, I modeled exercise after my parents and started running on my own early in high school.
As important as differences were to me, they are always challenging to balance as you build a life together. When I would take Matt home with me to NH I'd want to run in the mornings, xc ski if the conditions were right and take the opportunity to hike if that's what my parents had planned. This was a challenge for Matt. He didn't like XC skiing, he wasn't a huge fan of hiking and wasn't interested in running. Of course he tried it all with me, but it just wasn't for him.
I knew that the longer we were together, and exposed each other to the lifestyles we were used to, we would each adapt and figure out the balance that worked for us. I'm definitely a country girl, but I've taken to city living and know I'll always be near one, largely due to Matt's influence. I grew up having home cooked meals and didn't really know anything different until Matt came in to my life and I started to appreciate eating out more, maybe a bit too much lately...
For Matt, he's grown to enjoy getting out doors and taking in what nature has to offer. He hikes with us now, has bushwhacked through local woods, and is running a 5K with me in two weeks. I know that if I want to go for a walk on the country roads I grew up on, he’ll happily join and take in the beauty with me. He sees now why hiking, as grueling as it can be, is so rewarding- it is all about the view.
This morning as we came in from a run in the park, I laughed a faux evil laugh and said, "I knew with enough exposure I'd turn you in to an outdoorsman." I of course am not out to change who Matt is. Although, it is nice when something you enjoy and cherish in your life is taken on and shared with the person you've tied your life to. When it activity based, you can partake in it together. I'm learning as we enter this life building thing together, that although differences can create a layered, fun and new experience for you, there are some things that a partner needs to enjoy too, and I'm glad that Matt is starting to share my love of experiencing a lot of life outdoors.

What I'm looking forward to this weekend

Sleeping
Running
Time in the Park
Bagels for Breakfast
Feeling like it is finally Spring
Exciting College BBall Games that I wouldn't otherwise watch, but will because they are on in the apartment
Writing
Napping
No plans

Park

After I realized how perfectly situated the sun was for not only an early evening stroll through the park, but some great light for pictures I took Matt and my Camera for a walk in the park. As we strolled along East Side Drive we talked about all the things we still had to discover around us. It felt good to be out together, exploring our City, spending time not in front of the TV, it felt refreshing. I'm starting to really fall in love with The Mall. I love how the city peeks over the ancient trees around you as walk it, I love that it is still a gravel path, I love how it feels like I'm in a special place and that millions of other before me have felt the exact same way. I hope my pictures were able to capture it.

Spring is in the Air

I love how quickly tulips open when you place them in water. As the sun streamed in through our windows, I couldn't help take my camera to them.

Boxes

A year ago this weekend, I moved to NY. I could be sitting where I am right now, but would have been surrounded by boxes. I remember waking up Sunday morning and starting to slowly unpack the boxes in the Kitchen, I figured it was the easiest thing to get put away. I started to sort things, stack things and get organized while still unorganized.
As soon as my Mom and Brother headed back to NH, Matt and I started our long list and started buying.
Within 2 weeks everything was bought, put together and the boxes were gone. I work quickly. Now a year has passed. I found myself thinking the other day how fun it would be to unpack all over again. The process was joyful for me. Not only was I unpacking my life and joining it with Matt's, I was starting a new journey, I was putting the past year behind me. I didn't know where this step was going to take me, it was exciting, exhilarating, and a whole lot of fun. I got to go to Ikea and buy things I really needed, I was gifted things I'd had my eye on for months, it was all mine to do whatever I pleased with, as long as Matt agreed- and when does he not? I like being organized, I like putting things in their places, so unpacking this apartment was fun for me on many levels. I would do it all over again.
Now we've got our eyes on bigger things, we'll be here another year but after that I want a house to call our own and I want to unpack in to that place and not know when we'll leave. I want to use the knowledge HGTV has given me. There is a long way for us to go still, but when I think back on the last year it is thoughts like, "Damn where did the time go?" So, before too long we'll be putting are now joined life in to boxes, and as little fun as packing is at least I can hold on to the joy I know I'll feel unpacking again.

Downtown 6 Train

When she walked on the train, I knew the kind of person she was. I’m not saying, I knew but I knew. You know?

She looked unsure of herself, but sure of how she handled these situations. I saw her survey her surrounding and realize there wasn’t an open seat. She took her back pack off her back, but kept it on one shoulder, possessive of herself materially and physically, the back pack wasn’t going to come all the way off. She moved towards a bar, and planted her feet. She stood right in front of me.

She wore all black, it is the most flattering color.

As I looked up at her standing in front of me, I could see how dry her hands were. I chanced a glance at her face, which was moisturized and made up, but not overdone. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t taken care of her hands. They appeared dry from too much washing, too much time spent ensuring things were just so, too much time making up for something she felt was lacking.

She was short, and could just barely reach the top bar. Each time she could afford to, her hand came down and she held her book, but when she tried to balance as the train jerked and moved she had to continually stretch back up and hold on.

I wasn’t judging, more just observing. There are so many people to watch on the train.

The next day I saw a guy seated across from me, he was so flawlessly put together. Polished shoes, pressed trousers, shirt and tie and a trench coat with a popped collar. His hair was styled, but looked effortless with just the hint of product. He had a soft face, and I kind of wanted to think he was one of “those guys”, but he portrayed something sweet and gentle. I’m sure he was someone who enjoyed a social life, plenty of women and a job on a high powered track, but as much as I wanted to make a story with judgments thrown in, I couldn’t. Something about him just seemed too real and down to earth. As we moved out of 14^th street, a woman stepped on and leaned against the door opposite him. I saw him glance at her, taking her in, from his look she must be worth checking out. He did it again several times, reading her face, processing what he saw. I could see a sense of confidence and wonder in his look, like he was thinking, “She’s hot, I could get her number if I wanted.” I almost hoped to watch him track her down as we all exited the train and ask for a number, but he didn’t. On to bigger and better, I guess.

This morning as I stepped in to place, I half stepped on someone’s foot. The woman who it belonged too jerked it away quickly, angrily. She was clearly not just annoyed, but pissed. I looked down at her, saying “Sorry” as I did. Her face was covered with a graffitied Ed Hardy hat, ear phones in and IPod touch held protectively in her hands. She clearly didn’t hear me, but as I lifted my head up I saw her look up at me, annoyance passing over her face. Now I was annoyed. The vibe from her was aggressive, and I almost wanted to say, “It’s not like I stepped on your foot on purpose.”

A few stops later I was able to sit down, across from her. I took her in. Her eyes were closed now as we moved further downtown. I saw an enormous diamond ring on her ring finger and immediately thought, “Maybe she’s got to portray some kind of tough attitude to protect that.” Whatever it was, it stuck with me, as did the other two people I came across this week. The people you run in to, sometimes literally, on a daily commute.

Dorky

Sometime the city feels small. A few minutes of walking and we were on the Upper West Side, just like that. Why don't I walk across the park here more often? Everything was just the same, families spending time together on play grounds, runners stretching on benches, Kevin Bacon walking his dog. I could still be back on 5th Avenue walking south, but I wasn't, and I felt a world away and yet not. I'm rambling.
When you talk about these neighborhoods, they seem so far away and apart. They have different personalities, a different feel to them. An expanse of green, and actually a body of water separates them. When I'm home, on the Upper East Side, I feel far away. But then as I walk across at the top of the reservoir, I hear myself exclaim as we reach the West Side, "And just like that, we're here!" But I don't say it out loud, I keep it to myself, it feels dorky. Sometimes my excitement at discovering things here, at falling in love with little pieces of the city feels that way, but hey I'm a dork. The most exciting discovery yesterday was crocuses, just about to bloom. Spring is on the way and I can't wait to discover it all over again here in New York.

Couple City

As I was walking to spinning with a co-worker tonight she asked if I felt like I was getting the full city experience by going out with other couples. She commented that she kind of always felt that you really get the city experience when you're out for fun dinners/nights on the town, and alluded to it being easier when you're in a couple. Her face brightened as she commented about how much fun it must be to be living in the city as a couple and getting to experience it through that.
At first, I said- "Well Matt and I don't go out that much..." Then I paused, that doesn't mean we're not fun or don't have fun when we do. She was right. I am getting the full city experience by going out and experiencing the city with friends, I'm doing what I sometimes wish I were out doing when I sit at home alone.
I do it with my girlfriends, and I do it as a couple. Is it easier to commit to social engagements as a couple, definitely, and with this group of friends we don't worry about cost which always exposes us to more.
The whole couple lifestyle does open you up to more in the city. You can take off the airs of being with a group of girls "out on the town." You can relax a little when you're with the one person who loves you regardless of any flaws, you can let yourself give in to the atmosphere and not worry about who is around you and how they are reacting to you, and if its friends surrounding you, the relaxation comes even more easily.
Living together and getting married, we are moving in to that world of going out together, getting invited to things together, and its fun! Now that I've had this epiphany, I want to do it more often, if only we had the income to match my ideal.

To Be Young

I watched a baby and a puppy play on Sunday afternoon. I just laughed and laughed, and laughed. It was darling. To watch the almost 2 year old run with a smile spread across his face and sounds of glee coming from him as the puppy, a smile also across his face, jump and chase after him was heartwarming to say the least.
What joy it can be to watch those still young and get to feel young at heart. What fun to project your future plans upon them, fantasize about what it can be like, what hopefully it will be like. I want it all. A house, a dog, a baby. I feel fulfilled now, but partly it is the knowledge that I can have it all, I'm a quarter there.
Matt said in the car as we were driving to NH on Friday,
"Isn't it weird to think that in less than 6 months we'll be making this drive to get married?"
I guess weird isn't the right word, but it is a wonderful feeling that we're getting closer and I can't wait. Isn't it also weird, or fantastic, to think that in a year from now maybe we'll be in our first house and then a few years after that (give or take) we'll have a dog and a baby in that house?
Maybe it's the lost hour and gained light, but I feel light and young and happy and even closer than a quarter way there.

Tumblr

I jumped on the bandwagon, and I'm already having a blast.

adriennewrites.tumblr.com

Not that this will replace longer more thoughtful blogs here!

I did it! Just like I planned and wanted to. I spent the better part of the afternoon writing. I've pushed through the section I was avoiding because of my spotty memory, and I think I did an actually nice job of summarizing a summer that is a complete fog to me. I'm gaining confidence with this new kick of writing inspiration. I went in to writing about my Dad's death wanting to chronicle one year and I think I will remain with that and maybe summarize a kind of where I am now at the end. The point is, I'm close and I feel myself being able to finish writing it all down soon, and then the editing begins.
When I was antsy, I read some things on nytimes.com, and posed for some self portraits that capture me in my writing zone, I found a great new place to write, that doesn't require me schlepping myself to Starbucks so I can focus, that is a bit more comfortable than the living room and I get to look out our bedroom windows, most of all our bedroom always calms me and is a great place for writing.
The second Sunday posting of pictures in a row, maybe a I'll start a weekly thing...

Sunday in the Park

I smiled to myself as I neared the 90th St. entrance, "Thank God I've got another year here," I thought, "I need to promise myself to utilize it more." Walking through the park gives me such a sense of calm, joy, privilege and belonging, why wouldn't I make a promise to myself to go more often.
Today, I walked paths I didn't know about, saw secret spots with lovers cuddling on benches, sun drenched rocks occupied by someone with a book in hand, small clearings with bird watchers eagerly waiting for their favorite to come feed, I heard yells of German, French, English and Spanish as children rushed down snowy hills and parents watched on with glee. I don't know if the pictures do it justice, I guess you have to be there, but I tried.

Engimas & Open Books

I’m an open book. I really don’t hide much, and there isn’t TMI when it comes to what I’ll share, and what others can share with me. I balance this with being acutely aware of when people just aren’t interested. If I don’t think the person really wants to know a story, or hear about something in my life, I don’t tell it. My last boss once told me that I was an enigma to her, she declared that she couldn’t figure me out. I was at a loss for an explanation, simply telling her that I’m pretty much an open book and questioning what it was she couldn’t figure out. She of course didn’t have an answer. I suspect it was because I didn’t really think she cared, and maybe a bit of intimidation. I didn’t want to open myself up to her, because I know it was a surface need of hers to have people be completely open, she craved knowing everything and having that control over people. That’s not who I share with.

Sometimes, I think I take for granted my openness and desire to share what I feel and who I am, sometimes I forget that although I work in casual environments, I shouldn’t always say what I feel. But then, as I think about it and wonder if I don’t have a filter, I’ll flash to a picture of myself in social situation where I don’t really talk about myself for hours. Where is the middle ground?

This week at work I complained about something I was asked to do, and wasn’t shy about saying I didn’t want to do it, to my co-workers. When I thought about it that night as I shampooed, I worried, did I just take for granted how open I can be at work as a result of the casual “come as you are and say how you feel” environment? Maybe it is a sense of entitlement I have for being told, and feeling, that I’m a smart and very capable employee and I think the task is something I shouldn’t have to do anymore, instead of considering that part of the reason I’m being asked to do it is to expose me to something new, including new people. I know I can complain to these people about everything, but I do have to draw the line. As I thought about it more, I flashed to sometimes feeling like I haven’t said a word after hours with my friends. What’s the difference? Where’s the middle ground?

Talking to Kate this summer after an emotional breakthrough (in which my Mom told me that she had been trying for months to get me to just talk about myself. She would ask how I was as we began conversations, but it proved fruitless as I’d just shrug it off. She said my pattern would be to let her go first and only after she was done would I open up) she confided that she felt that often too, like she would dominate conversations and worry that I didn’t talk about myself, worry that she wasn’t being a good friend. Why do I do that? And how do I still be an open person while doing that?

I let it out when I need to, I’ve dominated many a conversation. When it feels right, and I’m comfortable and I know the person really wants to hear it, that’s when I open up. With my friends, I want to make sure they are getting everything they need from me before I lay my stuff on them, I want to take care of the people I love. At work, I have a different relationship with close co-workers. We take care of each other, and that means complaining and venting and knowing it’s safe. These people haven’t yet become someone who I let go first.

For me, I’m most open when I’m letting others be truly vulnerable, because they get to see who I really am in those moments, and I know when I need the roles reversed they will be.

The Happy List

Wedding
Wedding Planning- seriously, I LOVE it
Renewing our Lease
Possibility of getting a dog in the Fall
Booking tickets and 1 of 2 hotel rooms for Hawaii Honeymoon- suggestions for staying in Maui welcome!
HG visit this weekend
New music (Sara Bareilles, Jack Johnson, Herbie Hancock)
2 Road Races and 2 Triathlons to come this year
Sfoglia in March (twice!)
And so much more...but I don't want to be "boasting"

The Ball Hit Me

Sometimes you just need to let it out. Watching "Definitely, Maybe" a scene towards the end that would give something, granted it is an obvious outcome, away if I described it, made me cry. Hard, real, full of sadness tears, that weren't because of the movie- but because of life. The experiences I've had now connect me to story lines real and fictional on a level that if hit at a certain spot, from the right angle leave me sobbing. This is the first time I experienced it, and in the moment I didn't really know what to do with it, I was in a movie theater, I couldn't just let myself cry. So, I stopped myself, finished watching the movie and walked back out to the real world. I couldn't shake the sadness. I sat at a manicurists table and had my nails done, wishing I was home curled under blankets sobbing.
So, when I got home- that's what I did. I just let it all out, and in minutes I felt infinitely better, lighter, relieved. I was amazed at the change in mood just letting it out provided. Thinking about it more, I remembered a saying I used in college when friends and I would talk about feeling like we just needed a good cry- we were waiting for a ball to hit us in the head. The ball is that something, that little push you need to get over the edge, to give you the reason to let it all out.
I didn't want this post to come off as sad, and I'm afraid it did. My intention is to document what I experience and feel, and I guess lately much of it has been some realization of sadness in my life and how it flows through me, how I manage it and the new levels of living with it I go through.

Yogi Tea

Feel great,
act great
and approve
of yourself.

If only it were as easy as steeping and drinking a cup of tea

A phone call, away

It comes in the small simple moments of everyday.
I'm standing at the counter cutting the stems off artichokes and find myself in my Davis Sq. apartment getting ready to make artichokes for my roommate and me for dinner, and I call Dad to ask him if I should steam them or boil them. He answers, saying, "Hey Cub." I never hear that anymore. I ask my question and he says he usually steams them, but makes sure he puts enough water in to withstand the amount of time they take to steam. I've cooked them that way ever since, but "ever since" doesn't seem to apply yet, it was less than two years ago, when does ever since apply?
It wasn't that long ago that he was there, just a phone call away.

Scrabble

I downloaded Scrabble on my phone the other day. It is a great game to play on the train, but dame the hard setting is hard- the words the computer spits out are ridiculous! So when I had the opportunity to put an S on a 5 letter word and start that on a Triple Word score, I had to go for it. I had: FGTASUO. Now, if you know Scrabble you know that the G and the F are both high score tiles, so immediately I though of fags, like the slang for a cigarette. But there was this guy, sitting next to me, and I knew he had been watching my last few turns- and why not, I would have if the situation had been reversed- and I felt completely embarrassed to put down fags- he would think I was homophobic. (I care wayyy too much about what complete strangers think of me!) But, I went for it- because the computer was kicking my ass and I wanted the points! Turns out fags isn't a scrabble word on the phone version. To top it off, the computer got a Bingo on the next turn.

Vicious Cycle

You get depressed, so you eat because that comforts you in the moment. Then you feel bloated and fat for days, and get more depressed so any motivation, or momentum of getting "back on track" with your healthy eating (really, it's not a diet, I do want to change my eating habits) loses steam and you eat more, and then you are more depressed. OY
So- what else can you do? You exercise! Back in spinning on Tuesdays with a kick ass instructor, that will get you back on track. But then Wednesday you get a migraineish weird headache and go home and hide from the gym. But Thursday, oh Thursday you are back on track- you decided with a co-worker to go spinning every Thursday, you can't let her down- you head to spinning, excited at the prospect of having spun twice in one week, especially since you ate fries after Tuesdays session...
But then during the class your legs loose steam, you feel totally drained and your eyes just want to close. You try and kick yourself back in to action- but to no avail, you're wiped. Although you get through the session, walking home brings thoughts of comfort food, ooh like Chinese which the restaurant you're walking by right now serves and those Scallion Pancakes are calling your name.
The cycle is slowing though, you can feel it- your back in it, almost there, even though it is national popcorn day you aren't making any!

Maybe I should replace those yous with I's, eh?

What He's Missing

Lately I've been sad, but not so much sad about what I'm missing with him gone. I'm sad about what he is missing. Last night on the way home, I stared out the window of the car, letting Jerry's voice fill my mind and started making a list, and after the tears had dried and I lay in my old room that night trying to sleep I added more to the list.

The Presidential race
Snow this winter, and clear blue skies to sky under
My space and place in NYC
My place of employment
Planning my wedding
My wedding dress, and the shopping process
Cake tasting at Jacques
Sammy graduating
Movies from that last 20 months, including Miami Vice, Casino Royale, maybe some of the Hugh Grant films, Once, Juno, X Men, Fantastic 4 and many other cute/bad/action/funny movies he would have rented
Music from the last 20 months, including Radiohead, Ryan Adams, The National, Andrew Bird
TV from the last 20 months, Curb, The Wire, Weeds (I guess HBO and Show time from the last 20 months)
The Patriots perfect season
The Red Sox winning the World Series again
The Celtics, oh the Celtics
I finally learned to make my own Cappuccino (Although if he was still here I probably wouldn't have)
Running the reservoir in Central Park
Going to the Met
Exploring photography with me
His TV
Dark Chocolate M&M's
Aero Garden
Homemade fleece blankets
Making a loop from Olde Canturbury Road to Coe Farm Road on XC Skis
Nobu
Puppies
Sailing in NY
Wii
Us, all of us.

Snow, and more Snow

Baggage

As I walked quickly towards the turnstiles that would exit me out on Broadway and E. Houston I saw a young man lugging an enormous suitcase up the stairs from the B,D, F, V platforms. Then just behind him was a older overweight woman lugging herself up the stairs. The young man quickly set the suitcase down, nodded slightly and began walking towards the turnstiles with me. I heard the woman say, "Thank You."
I thought of how nice it was that he helped her, and wondered if she had asked or he had offered. He appeared to be wanting to escape back in to the persona he was going for, mostly thuggish- big baggy sweat shirt, oversized checkered Yankees hat, eyes turned down, overall slouch and baggy jeans with untied sneakers. But he kept looking back, checking on the woman. As we started to ascend the stairs out of the station he looked back one more time, and I could read his face for that split second. I saw his struggle to want to go back and help her again, his question if anyone else would help her up this next set of stairs that she clearly couldn't manage on her own. He quickly turned his head back to the stairs he was climbing and pulled his hood up.
But I know his secret, and the secret that many people (not everyone, but most I think) carry. There is goodness in all of us.

I Got Nothing

I'm a total blank slate lately. I want to write, I want to be creative and thoughtful and yet- nothing is coming to me.
I've been devouring chic-lit, maybe it is contributing to my dry creative well. Not that there's anything wrong with chic-lit.
There are some other things on my mind besides how Darcy is going to change in to a better person in "Something Blue".

I'm interviewing a prospective Clark student on Monday as part of her application process. I feel so old. How could I really be qualified to do this? To help Clark in some tiny way make a decision about this Senior in High-School makes me feel old, and adult like. I guess that's a good thing.

I'm dress shopping on Saturday. I'm excited to look for and hopefully find the dress that will make me feel bridal and comfortable and elegant all at the same time. I put off the shopping to lose weight, and I did lose a little, but the holidays did me in man- and even though Matt's mom told me that I look great and she's so excited to watch me try on dresses I feel like a heifer (I'm sorry this is so typical, omg I'm soo fat- but I told you, I've got nothing!) and I don't feel like trying on dresses that are woefully already too small and feeling even more fat. Maybe it is time to hire a personal trainer- which brings me to my next I've got nothing rant

I've got no money. This one I actually feel on top of and in control of. The holiday's did me in on this front too- but I'm back in charge and not eating out a lot, passing up on ski trips and group outings to spas to save up. I started looking in to hotels in Hawaii, and we are going to have to really save to afford the trip- which I think will be well worth it. I can't wait to have two incomes!

I surprise my self daily with how happy and in love Matt and I are, not that I ever doubted us or our relationship- but damn it feels good to be as giddy and excited as we are about each other everyday. Last week on the day of my companies holiday party, I went to the bathroom and while peeing (is that TMI?) I found myself smiling and getting excited that Matt was meeting me at the party later and I'd get to spend the night with him, and introduce him to people. Most nights all I want to do as the clock creeps towards 6 is rush home and be next to him on the couch. I'm so damn lucky.

Snow Covered Trees

The snow is light and fluffy, but about knee deep, the tracks come easily, yet up hill is a work out like none other. The trees are still covered in snow in here, the wind not yet reaching into the forest to force the snow down, making you feel like it is snowing all over again. I can see closed buds, still reaching towards the sun, preparing for Spring already.
Deer tracks come in to the trail and I follow them, thinking of Mom's story of seeing one bound across the trail, the only one of her three co-skiers to see him run across their path, "Our eyes were down."
The last time we were out here we called it Deer Highway, seeing countless tracks and places where they had laid down, spent a night, weary from the winter, dreaming of Spring.
We reach the end of our trail, for the second time, a rock Mom and Dad used to walk to, marking Ye Olde Canterbury Road. They used to travel this on horse back, I think each time.
"It's so beautiful out here."
"Mmhmm."
"Daddy would have loved this, it's so weird that he's not here."
"I was thinking about the last time we were all out here and we skied up to the clearing and were talking about a wedding, about what kind of flowers I might have."
"Really?"
"And now he's just gone." Now that I'm actually planning a wedding, I think.
We push off with our poles and fly back over our now well tracked trail, all down hill from here.
A winter wonderland.

Walking Slowly and Running

This morning I woke up late, opening my eyes and then closing them again as I decided numerous times between 9:40 and 10:40 to continue sleeping.
I laid around reading, Garlic and Sapphires and the fiction issue of The New Yorker until I had to get dressed and meet Matt for lunch. I gave myself enough time to walk leisurely down to 74th st. I decided that I wanted to try and walk slowly, relax as I strolled to lunch, I hit up Starbucks, popped in my ear buds and was ready to go.
At first I found myself hustling along with the rest of the Saturday afternoon crowds, but I forced to myself to slow my pace and got in to a great rhythmic stroll. I didn't worry about elderly women on walkers I could see ahead of me, I didn't bump in to anyone maneuvering to pass them and oncoming pedestrians. I wasn't passing anyone, and it was okay.
"I can walk slowly!" I thought excitedly to myself. "This feels great!"
I glanced at myself in store windows as I passed by, dark jeans, black fleece, white headphones, black sunglasses. "I look so chic!" I thought. This slow walking thing was turning out great. My confidence was boosted. Walking slowly gave me time to think about how good I felt in myself, how happy I was in the moment. I wasn't worrying about getting somewhere, in fact I was so nonchalant, I walked down to 2nd by mistake and when I reached 70th st. realized I was on the wrong avenue and had walked too far south. Oh well!
After returning from lunch, my nails freshly painted and a catch-up convo with Mom under my belt I decided it was time to do something I had been wanting to do since we moved and had only done once with Mom- run around the Jackie Onassis Reservoir. It is the perfect place to run in the city and since it was so unseasonably warm today, the perfect day to do it. I suited up and headed out, my new workout mix pumping in my headphones. I ran light and strong, I felt good. I had been nervous leaving to do it alone, especially since the sky was darkening by the time I left my building, but I knew there'd be others on the paths and that it was about time I took advantage of such a great running area so close to home.
After the first mile I finally reached and surpassed a man that had been running in front of my from the beginning. I felt great. My confidence was boosted again, the lightness from earlier in the morning hadn't left me and before I knew it I had run both loops and was exiting the park. The views were breathtaking. As you loop around the inner track of the reservoir you see the skyline of the city lit up in front of you, all the buildings bunched together in that perspective light up the sky with a brilliance that reminds me how much I love living here and how lucky I feel to be in this place, not only geographically and physically but mentally too.

Whether walking slowly and taking it in little by little or running quickly and getting it in in a breath and a look, I love New York.

A Lonely Bed

I think I've written here before about an odd phenomenon that would happen to me on weekend nights when I was living in Somerville. I would just stay up late in to the night and not want to turn the TV off even when I was ready for bed and about to fall asleep. It was something about the company of the flickering screen and the loneliness I wasn't releasing, I believe. Since moving to NY it hasn't happened, we don't have a TV in the bedroom here and I'm not lonely when I get in to bed- okay Matt does stay up hours after I retire normally- but I can hear him in the living room and that comforts me.
Tonight he is in Queens being with his Mom as they tend to and grieve together over his sick, dying, childhood dog. Sure I whined a little when he found out at 10pm she needed him there, but that is surely more important than me getting him for a couple of hours tonight when we live together.
I've slept alone here a couple of times, but not unexpectedly like this. I'm feeling a magnetic push away from the bed, I want pretty badly to just climb in to it and fall asleep especially since before last night I had fitful nights of coughing and little sleep, but as hard as I try and push my body there it just won't click. Which explains me still being at 2am with a marathon of Clean House under my belt and my Google Reader all marked as read. A lonely bed is not an inviting one.
And, although I feel somewhat pathetic admitting that one night apart makes me sad and lonely, I know that it is because giving up something you're used to without much warning is hard to adjust to. I know I'm not the only one.
But tomorrow I have big plans of shopping and cleaning and maybe filling another evening apart with somethings or someone, so I've got to get some rest tonight and sleep aids will ensure that my lonely mind isn't racing for too long.
At least making the bed will be easy in the morning.

Love is for the lucky, and the brave

For Thanksgiving this year I printed out fortunes and put them in each napkin so when we all sat down to eat, we each got a fortune to read and muse on as we said what we were thankful for. At first I wanted to write my own and then I realized it was going to take way too much work so I found some good ones on the wonderful World Wide Web.
The title of this post was one of those fortunes. And it is not so much a fortune, I know, but it is so true. It was probably my favorite among the ones I found, and I really am finding more and more that it is a sentiment that really resonates strongly with me and my life.
Death can cause many to grow more scared of love and the risk you take when letting someone become such an important part of your life. I really never thought twice about how much closer I would become with the people I love after my Dad died. When I think about it now, I realize how scary it could be for someone different than me, and I can see how a person dealing with great loss would and could push others away. For me this wasn't true,
There were a few months when my plans to move to New York were put on indefinite hold and I was ready to make a life for myself in Boston or even further North to be as close as possible to my Mom and Brother. In my head Matt would work something out with school and he'd come to Boston too, we'd make it work. There was a moment last fall when I was sitting on the porch of my Mom's house talking about the future, her wishing I'd get engaged, Sammy wishing I'd produce a nephew for him ASAP. A lot of my family was looking to me for the happy news we all needed. I realized in those moments that regardless of where it would take me, that I needed to be with Matt, and that meant moving to NY. I talked to Sammy and Mom about it and they both were nothing less than supportive and excited. I could never know how much longer I'd have with Matt and the time I did have should be spent with him.
Moving to New York was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. Matt and I are happier than ever to be living together and it's been 9 months. Some friends told me that the storm might hit after 3 months, but it didn't. Other friends told me that pre and post engagement would be filled with him acting more in love than ever, but the pre and post have come and gone and the love and passion still very much remain.
And it is terrifying.
The other night I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. My mind drifted and I thought, as I have in restless attempts to sleep many times, of my Dad. I thought about a picture we have framed and hanging of him holding me up as a baby, getting ready to toss me up in the air. I miss him, so much and I still can't believe that he is gone and it is often in those quiet moments before sleep when the pain comes at me sharply. Then I thought of Matt, of how deeply I love him, how much a part of me he is. And then my restless mind and overactive imagination thought of losing him, I pictured myself in our apartment without him, leaning against walls crying as I had to take down pictures of us together.
I don't know how I would go on. I would be so utterly and completely crushed. We have come together in these past months so effortlessly, our lives fit together so smoothly and everything feels so right and so good. How could I ever not have that? My love, our love, having deepened and strengthened is such an enormous blessing in my life, and in my family’s lives too. Yet, at the same time, in these moments my fears are heightened, and I'm even more scared of losing him, not us breaking up because I have no fear of that, of something happening to him- mind, body or soul. Love is for the lucky and brave, how true.

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Busy Bee

For the last 6 months or so at work my coworker has warned me about the busyness of the holiday season. I just kept thinking about what it was like at past jobs, you were busy trying not to gain 10lbs from all the vendor gifts that arrived- oh those tubs of popcorn- and brushed it off. This week, however I learned how busy it really can be. I guess you don't really realize it can get that way considering our tasks were minor things- but all added up... damn.
I was balancing important meetings and decisions with planning a holiday pot-luck and signing holiday cards. Unfortunately I feel like I let some of the more "important" pieces of my job slip while putting together a kick ass party and making up for my being out on Friday by signing extra cards. I found myself scrambling to get ready for meetings I'd been preparing for for weeks and not responding to emails, that really can wait until Monday, because I had to string lights in the conference room.
I went into my job search adamantly against being in any type of Executive Assistant role. I wanted independent responsibilities and did NOT want to be scheduling, answering phones for, or constantly reporting in to someone. The job I took requires that I assist in scheduling for my boss, but in all other ways I am NOT an Executive Assistant. However, as much as I am against being in an Executive Assistant role, I feel like all of a sudden I'm really falling down when it comes to the schedule and I'm disappointed. Considering I came from a place where it was 50% of my daily responsibilities to maintain 2 executive's schedules (Thank God I was given interesting projects to work on to balance that) and I did it pretty well, I'm confused at my lack of ability to keep my bosses calender up to date considering how easy she is, how easy her schedule is and that I'm in most of the meetings she is. She has come in at least 3 times in the last week and asked if a meeting really was happening because she just sat in the room for 10 minutes and no one came. Ugh.
Part of me thinks it is my desire to not have to schedule coming out- but if I want to excel in my job I have to do all pieces of it well, even the ones I don't like.
So, why am I writing about this here when I've kind of already figured the problem out and am committed to fixing it? Maybe because it is a more public place and the commitment is likely to stick if I put it out here like this? Maybe because there may be co-workers that read this and if I suspect they've read this I'll want to be even better? I don't really know. Part of me has been wanting to write this post all week, but waited until the weekend because, I was just too damn busy and in that time between thinking of writing this down and getting it down, I think I've fixed the problem.
Here's to next week being a bit less busy and my cold being a lot better by Monday!

Sunday Morning

Wings and Beer

I’m typically a home body, especially during the work week. I need my chill out time. I just can’t do the boozing during the week and still feel like I can get through the rest of the work week with any sense of normalcy. I’m a girl of routine- and that involves lots of sleep. I love having dinner plans, and seeing people during the week, don’t get me wrong. But I’m just not the type to go out drinking on a Tuesday. I’m sure being in a serious relationship changes my attitude towards it, and age too, now that I think about it. Not that I went out during the week when I was a recent college grad- but I went out on the weekends a lot more.

Last night friends invited us for $.25 wings and beer a local bar. I was feeling a tad exhausted and my stomach wasn’t really in the mood for wings and beer- but Matt really wanted to go so I pushed through and headed into the snowy night. I skipped the beer, why waste the carbs on bad lite beer, especially when I could replace them with fries (does that make me sound totally diet crazy?). As we stood waiting for a table, the delicious smell of buffalo sauce, good buffalo sauce, enticing us, some friends of friends who had come to join were discussing recent night-out adventures. Making out with boys in corners, being weirded out by weird guys lingering too long. I nodded as she animatedly described various situations she’d recently been in, specifically cottage cheese boy, because kissing him was like kissing cottage cheese. She then exclaimed that her co-workers had taken shots of vodka at the office before heading out that night. I just kept nodding. I really had nothing to say in response. The stories were funny, cottage cheese boy especially and her friend kept asking her about different men she’d heard mention of in passing. But I couldn’t relate, I can’t relate.

For a few minutes a part of me was jealous. It sounds like fun, the various crazy people you run in to when out and about, the young single woman on the town sex and the city type lifestyle. There are small parts of me still that would love to try it on for a week or two, going out to fun new places, dancing in to the night and then waking up to kick ass at some high powered job. But it is just not who I am, I think there is always going to be part of me that could connect to that lifestyle from afar and appreciate the draw, the lure of the fast and fabulous. There is a bigger part of me that likes the simple pleasures my current life offers, like cuddling up under a fleece with Matt rubbing my feet after work, or going to the gym together and coming home to cook dinner and kick his ass at Scrabble, and especially having good friends here that I can meet up with for dinner, home or out, bad TV or gossip over brunch. And weren’t all the SATC characters looking for that deep down? Lucky me, I’ve got it.

Snow Day

It was snowing this morning when I woke up. I walked in to the bathroom and exclaimed, "Oh man, it's snowing!" I climbed over Matt back in to bed and pulled the blinds up. I got back in to the our still warm bed, under our 3 blankets and lay on my side watching the white flakes come down.
I love watching the snow fall, as cold as I know it is outside it makes me feel warm. We walked out to get breakfast, the air was cold, but I felt comfortable in my down and fleece. I felt like I was a part of winter, real winter, with snow and cold air and covered bodies walking the streets around me.
Later it turned slushier and browner, but the image of it coming down outside my bedroom window remained with me, and I hope for many more mornings much the same.

Happy Thanksgiving

Anticipation

I don't remember how I felt leading up to Thanksgiving last year, I think a bit of dread and some worry. Looking back I see how I was preparing myself to be the adult. And, as it turns out, I was. Mom and I talked briefly about last year this weekend and I was reminded at some of ways the day panned out that weren't to be thankful for and how parentified I was at that moment in time. That has shifted, greatly, and I'm both thankful for it and anxious thinking about what it means in the process, it means I'm processing more- and I am.
But, regardless, I have found myself looking forward to this Thanksgiving for weeks. Maybe it marks a milestone, the shift of looking forward to holiday's that were so typically centered on family. During the period of anticipation I have found myself feeling more sad and letting myself feel more sad, it most likely has something to do with events that surrounded the last few weeks, but nonetheless I've been sad and happy and excited at celebrating a holiday, a holiday that Dad is still no longer a part of.
I'm looking forward to setting the table, mashing the potatoes, baking the pies, checking the turkey, drinking the good wine, having Matt with us, the bonfire, taking pictures, seeing my family, gushing about wedding planning, waking up and having the dining room already full of people eating leftover pie for breakfast, running in the clean fall air, the possibility of snow, and remembering it all next year with excitement for doing it again.

I can't help myself

I just adore this photo so much.

Losing Control

It’s hard work growing up, and sometimes harder still when you see someone else trying to, working at it, realizing it. And there’s nothing you can do but tell them- “It’s going to be okay- you’re going to get through this, it’s tough now but somehow you survive and come out better on the other end.”

It’s hard watching people you love make the same mistakes and worry about the same things you did, and they just have to. There isn’t anything you can do to fix that for them, you’re just not allowed to. Everyone has to live through these experiences to get to the next level, to grow up, to wisen up, to mature.

I want to reach out and just make it better, but I can just be here and remind him of that, a couple of times at least, because you know those 21 year Male brains can’t hold on to that much.

I had an epiphany the other day, that I need to stop trying to control everything around me all the time. It was only while having the epiphany that I started to realize how much I really am trying to control things, all the time. And I have to change that, I have to step back and let things happen how they will, I can’t always have my hand on each wheel making sure we are on the path I want to be on. Sometimes I have to let go and just sit back, and know that however it turns out, big and small, I’ll be okay.

I believe it is a fall out from loss and grieving that has made me try to control the world around me even more tightly. I lost and that means I didn’t have control, I don’t have control and that fear becomes the drive, passion, the lust for it back. And as I started to fully grieve again more recently I tried harder to grasp on to what I could and tightly control it. But I realized, during said epiphany that losing is partially hard because you realize what you don’t have control over- and when things don’t go the way you’ve tried to force them to go disappoint is paramount. If I keep trying to tightly control everything I can, won’t I just grieve that much harder when things don’t go my way? Aren’t I just pushing back the grief and filling the space with the obsession with control? If I’m going to truly process and move to whatever next step there is, don’t I have to try and let myself give in to the lack of control? To honor and recognize that there are many things you can control and while there are things you can, most times you shouldn’t try too hard to control everything, especially the little things like your Fiancée making dinner plans with his parents that get you home later than you had planned for, because when you let go and let things happen how they will sometimes you find that everyone around you is happier, because they are all getting a say too.

Now I’m recognizing all the things I’ve been trying to control, now I can stop myself. I found myself calling out, “Yes!” when the JP at Jen’s rehearsal stood where I wanted him too (Other people had suggested he stand there) and my friends turned and laughed at me. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said as I put my hand over my mouth and through my mind ran the words, “I’m crazy!” There was a woman at the rehearsal that kept calling out to the JP and telling him what to do, we talked about who we thought she was and one friend said, “Adrienne she’s you when you get older.” “You’re right,” I said although I wanted to deny it. But I can change that now. I don’t want to see myself as growing up to become a controlling woman who can’t keep her desire to make things ‘just so’ to herself. I want to give great ideas when they’re asked for, and be in just enough control to be successful and balanced. But I’m not balanced now, too much control doesn’t allow for that, or too much attempt at control. I’m getting there though.

Being able to sit back and watch and help when I can, and when it makes sense, as my little brother grows up in the way he needs to is a good step in that direction.

Newlyweds

Watching their faces light up at seeing each other
Seeing the tears and laughter during the ceremony
Watching them dance together for the first time
The large smile that didn't leave his face all night
That wherever she was that night, he was close behind
The joy that everyone in the room held for them
Knowing that this is only the beginning for them.


The crisp fall air
The orange setting sun during the ceremony
The rocky top mountain filled with greens and burnt oranges
The white golf carts that we brought her to the ceremony on
The warm candles that filled the room
Red gems, red lanterns and red drinks that gave the evening a warm glow
The stone platform we circled and watched as they said "I will"
The blue sky
The shiny wood floor our feet met all night

Just some of the things that made the weekend fabulous

Trick or Treat?

I was really excited for this show, a bit apprehensive about the type of crowd that would be there, and curious about my first Ryan Adams show. I'd heard good and bad things about his performances and I was hoping for good.
We timed our arrival perfectly and I was starting to get hopeful that this would surely be a treat.
A few songs in and I was really enjoying myself. Ryan sounded wonderful and he was into some trippy space jams a la The Grateful Dead which I was enjoying.
Then things started to shift. A long and lean couple inched their way into a space near us and stood intertwined, limbs, lips, everything. Annoying. Then the couple in front of us started to move around, a lot, they were talking constantly and if they weren't talking they were shifting positions, or one was going to get beers or hit the bathroom. They were already taller than me and I kept having to tilt my head or body so I could still see the stage. Why couldn't they just stand still and watch the show? Weren't they here to see the show? Then the woman next to me continued to swig from a flask her boyfriend kept producing and as she got more drunk her insistence to find a friend named Boggy grew and when that friend finally found them after much waving of arms and lit up cell phones the show was much less important, they had conversation to get in. Then the group behind us became whole and decided that when Ryan wasn't singing or playing songs they knew, it was okay to talk. No, it is actually not okay annoying people- because some people, you know maybe 1 or 2 of the 200 others in this venue actually did pay to hear Ryan Adams, not the dull roar of your conversations.
I have this problem, sometimes, when if something really starts to bug me or get under my skin I can't let it go, I can't brush or shake if off, it stays with me, sticks with me, creeping in under my skin, getting in my head, getting to me. It was bad on Halloween night. I got more and more miserable the more time went on, the little stupid things started to get to me, and I couldn't let any of it go. All these "tricks" getting to me.
When Ryan went off the stage for a break between sets, I turned to Matt and he gave me the permission I needed without saying a word. We had to push hard to get ourselves out of the ballroom, and I thought, "Thank God I'm getting out of here I bet the second set would have been so much more miserable for me."
As we left, a security woman asked, "How was the show?" I responded quickly with, "He was great, the crowd sucked." And she nodded as if she could tell, she's worked shows before she knows how to spot a bad crowd when she sees one, and she had a sense that the one inside this venue was there to have a crazy Halloween night.
I thanked Matt the whole way home, and he just kept saying, "It's not a problem, I wouldn't have been happy staying if I knew you weren't happy, I really don't mind leaving." And that constant reminder that I have someone on my side in these things, someone who helps draw what gets under my skin out with his support and genuine desire for me to be happy was my treat.