Tuesday, March 24


I can't focus. I stare at the screen and can't pick one thing to do. I'm a little jumpy. Maybe it is that I haven't had a good hard workout in a few days, maybe it is feeling like I need a real day off. Who knows. What I do know is that I can't focus.
I have something to work on that I enjoy, that is very HRey and yet I still can't even focus on that! I want to putter around the internets and kill time. I want to go walk around SoHo and spend money I don't have. Actually, I don't want to do that, but in the past I would!
I want something delicious to drink, and something crunchy to munch on. I want to be working closer to him so my commute isn't so long.
I want to not be working at all, or working for myself.
I want it to be Spring and for my ears to not still be thawing after the walk to work.
Yeah, maybe that is what this all comes down to. I'm going stir crazy because my body is ready for it to be Spring, and that weather out there is NOT Spring weather.
I wish I could say I feel better. But I don't. I'm going to go walk around the office with purpose so it looks like I have something to do, but really it is just an excuse to get up from my unfocused desk.

Friday, March 13

$9 bottle of wine

I've always had good luck on Friday the 13th. Today wasn't one of those days. I think I need to chalk it up to not letting myself just float through the moments, not letting myself sit back and let things unfold. Letting myself feel to much emotion for inconsequential things, letting myself hold on to things too closely and too harshly.
I came home with a $9 bottle of wine from Best Cellars. It was delicious and light and just what I needed. A quick shot to the head of wine. Perfect.
I came home to a husband who always calms me, relaxes me, helps me melt the day away... just with his presence.
I came home and immediately felt better.
I drew in my journal- mostly just lines and symbols. It helped.
I signed up for indeed.com alerts. That helped too.
I may be being reactive, but maybe doing it now is actually proactive. I think my fear stems from someone else being reactive, but better for me to stay out ahead of it, right? Even if it is just nonsense. Sorry to be vague, I just don't want to get in to that stuff here, and it is nothing serious- so don't worry.
I have a cup of tea brewing in front of me. Yogi bedtime calm. It tells me, "By honoring your words, you are honored." So, here I am using my honored words to honor myself.
I will have a lovely and relaxing weekend, that will be honoring myself.

Monday, March 9

In my blood

I'm organizing an in-office blood drive through the NY Blood Center and have been for the last few months. The date kept getting pushed back because other things were popping up. (Funny side note, I was editing reviews for people and someone wrote: "She's great at figuring problems out when the poop up.")
The woman I dealt with was a real piece of work, she defines the saying. She must be great at her job because there was no way I was forgetting about doing this drive. When she finally got me on the phone, I showed great patience(I'm not too proud to admit it) and listened to her and answered her questions and she got me to nail down a date. Seriously, good at her job.
The next step was an in person meeting, something I was not looking forward to. This woman came in as a force. She had a huge bag, charms all over her cell phone and a lot to say.
She continually complimented me, complimented the office (it is not that nice). She seemed like she couldn't get over me, it was kind of funny and flattering too. The meeting was actually really informative and she was a pleasure to meet with.
So this afternoon she calls me, she went on for a bit about what a pleasure it was to meet with me, what a great thing I'm doing and how she's been thinking about me and my personality, how it is just great. It was kind of cute and then I moved on to other things.
As I left the office today, and was taking in how it was still light out, I thought about the phone call again. I like to think of myself as a centered (for the most part) person, someone who cares about other people while still caring for and about themselves. Someone who wants to see the good in people, situations, etc. I'm an optimistic person. I also think because of what I've gone through in my early twenties I am someone who probably has a bit of an older soul than other people my age. So I thought, maybe she saw all this? Maybe she is someone who picks up on people's auras, what they put out in to the world that isn't seen by the naked eye. I can't imagine that just meeting with me once and talking on the phone with me she would pick up and express all that she has, especially since I sent her some curt emails at the beginning.
It made me feel good. I want to know that who I feel I am is put out in to the world without me consciously knowing it, I suppose because that means it truly is who I am. I guess it solidified for me a confidence in what I'm doing and who I've become. Geez, this Blood Drive organizer is really really good at her job.

Wednesday, March 4

That Time

I was walking to the train this morning thinking about how I hadn't really written here recently. (I've been keeping up pretty well with my other blogs) I was thinking how I wanted to write a cheesy post about how happy I am. Blissfully so I've been saying.

I was thinking how, I don’t often want to write posts describing my luck in finding a partner who so perfectly complements me, and who so often compliments. But I should write them I convinced myself. And maybe it will help others be inspired to find that in their lives, although I will say it doesn’t always happen and I don’t think it happens often and I consider myself truly among the luckiest who get to find that. Sorry, that's probably uninspiring.

So, obviously I hadn’t written that post yet, I would probably have tonight.

I sat down and looked at this picture. Immediately my mind jumped to a longing, a deep missing of my Dad. We’re so carefree and happy in the picture, despite the crushing loss to the Angels we witnessed that day. I just wanted to sit down and be sad, and of course I wanted to write it out. So there goes the I’m so happy post.

It is that time of year again when the feelings of sadness are stronger, when they come on unexpectedly and linger for longer.

I find myself most of the time living with this kind of foggy knowledge of a piece missing, but my life is full and I’m living well. Then February turns in to March and my head goes back to the time when that foggy knowledge was a strong anxious feeling of an impending loss, and then comes April and I’m back in panic mode and then we reach May and I’m just in a fog of sadness again, I turn foggy.

I know it is coming, and so I prepare for it when I think of it, but I don’t think there is anything I can do except ride with it. The biggest lesson I’ve learning, and it was a hard one to learn, is to just feel. You have to be present to the feeling, you have to let your body and mind succumb to it and it will flow in and then out of you. I promise, it will flow out if you let it. Too many people feel the emotions flow in to them and then shut their body up so it never leaves. It weighs on them, twisting and turning inside. I know. I’ve been there.

The same can be true of good emotions too, feel them, breath them in and let them fill you. The real test is letting them both be inside you at once. I can’t let my blissful happiness and fullness of love leave just because some sadness enters. I don’t have to let it leave. I will be present to them both. Because if my Dad left me one legacy it was how to build a life full of love, love you are proud of and show. He was never afraid of emotions, he once rewound the end of Sleepless in Seattle over and over to watch the end and let himself cry. And boy do I miss getting to tease him about that.