Thursday, December 20

Love is for the lucky, and the brave

For Thanksgiving this year I printed out fortunes and put them in each napkin so when we all sat down to eat, we each got a fortune to read and muse on as we said what we were thankful for. At first I wanted to write my own and then I realized it was going to take way too much work so I found some good ones on the wonderful World Wide Web.
The title of this post was one of those fortunes. And it is not so much a fortune, I know, but it is so true. It was probably my favorite among the ones I found, and I really am finding more and more that it is a sentiment that really resonates strongly with me and my life.
Death can cause many to grow more scared of love and the risk you take when letting someone become such an important part of your life. I really never thought twice about how much closer I would become with the people I love after my Dad died. When I think about it now, I realize how scary it could be for someone different than me, and I can see how a person dealing with great loss would and could push others away. For me this wasn't true,
There were a few months when my plans to move to New York were put on indefinite hold and I was ready to make a life for myself in Boston or even further North to be as close as possible to my Mom and Brother. In my head Matt would work something out with school and he'd come to Boston too, we'd make it work. There was a moment last fall when I was sitting on the porch of my Mom's house talking about the future, her wishing I'd get engaged, Sammy wishing I'd produce a nephew for him ASAP. A lot of my family was looking to me for the happy news we all needed. I realized in those moments that regardless of where it would take me, that I needed to be with Matt, and that meant moving to NY. I talked to Sammy and Mom about it and they both were nothing less than supportive and excited. I could never know how much longer I'd have with Matt and the time I did have should be spent with him.
Moving to New York was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. Matt and I are happier than ever to be living together and it's been 9 months. Some friends told me that the storm might hit after 3 months, but it didn't. Other friends told me that pre and post engagement would be filled with him acting more in love than ever, but the pre and post have come and gone and the love and passion still very much remain.
And it is terrifying.
The other night I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. My mind drifted and I thought, as I have in restless attempts to sleep many times, of my Dad. I thought about a picture we have framed and hanging of him holding me up as a baby, getting ready to toss me up in the air. I miss him, so much and I still can't believe that he is gone and it is often in those quiet moments before sleep when the pain comes at me sharply. Then I thought of Matt, of how deeply I love him, how much a part of me he is. And then my restless mind and overactive imagination thought of losing him, I pictured myself in our apartment without him, leaning against walls crying as I had to take down pictures of us together.
I don't know how I would go on. I would be so utterly and completely crushed. We have come together in these past months so effortlessly, our lives fit together so smoothly and everything feels so right and so good. How could I ever not have that? My love, our love, having deepened and strengthened is such an enormous blessing in my life, and in my family’s lives too. Yet, at the same time, in these moments my fears are heightened, and I'm even more scared of losing him, not us breaking up because I have no fear of that, of something happening to him- mind, body or soul. Love is for the lucky and brave, how true.


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