My hands are dry. Its pouring outside. I've got juxtapositions on my mind.
There are so many flowers and living things in the house, there are constant visitors stopping by, so much living is happening in the house right now. And on all our minds is death. It doesn't mean any of us, my dad especially, is giving up. He keeps saying, "I'm going to take a couple of whacks at this." Yet, its what we're all thinking about. Its what makes people come into the house and fill it with love and support and life. Its what makes us feel like life is actually happening around us.
When everything is good, when there isn't anything serious to focus on I find that life just flies by, it just keeps moving and you keep moving with it... there isn't anything to make you stop and look around.
Cancer makes you stop and look around. I really think about each day as I'm living it. Sometimes I don't want the days to end because it means another day has moved on. I think the days move a bit more slowly now too, because I'm very focused on their movement, I see each hour pass. I think about each moment I'm in and how it relates to the next. Especially being home this weekend, timing is everything. When was the last dose of pain medications? When was the last time we ate? When are the good shows/games/movies on to watch? When do I have to leave? Not yet. Right now I need to get some hand cream.