I miss you so much. I lie awake at night, often, thinking about you... where you might be...what you might know. The loss is so permanent, so fixed, so great, its hard to fit in to my life. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm over it, that I've moved on, I'm "okay" like they knew I would be. I'm not. I'll never be over it. You're gone, forever, a huge gaping hole left in my life. I'll never move on, there is no where to move to, you can't move away from this. I'm not "okay." Sure, I can function, I'm a highly functioning person. But there are days, and they're often, when I just want to lay in bed all day and mourn my loss, your loss, our loss. I'll admit it, I wish I would get sick, really sick, sneezy, nose running can't get enough tissues to catch up to the snot sick, so that I can have an excuse to stay in bed all day. But I get up, I function, I go through my life, I do my job, I socialize, I live. I guess its easy for me because I am so highly functional... but in reality, its really hard and somehow I just do it, without knowing how or why I can. I'm much more anxious about another great loss, about what else could go wrong. I'm much more pessimistic, this sucks now and its always going to suck I'll just somehow incorporate the suckiness into my life and hopefully the pain won't feel as raw and unmanageable so often. I'm still me, but I'm not the same. I still function but it doesn't mean I've moved on. Its a long process, in fact a never ending process of figuring out how to live life without you. I lie awake at night thinking about you, where you are, what you can see. I miss you.