Moving

Prior to making a much larger move in my life, um to a house that I OWN, I've moved this bloggy blog to Wordpress! Come on over and throw me a housewarming party!

areyoureallyinterested.wordpress.com

Update your bookmarks, reader, favorites, etc.

See you on the other side!

Food and Cars

I'll admit it, I'm getting overwhelmed as I keep missing days of Best '09. But, I must press on, I must stick to this!

On Friday, where did you spend most of your money this year- sadly I think the answer to that is on food- but darn we had some good food. What was the best? Hmm, I'm still dreaming about those Flex Mussel donuts...

On Saturday, we were supposed to explore the best car ride... where did we go? Who were we with, what did we see?
Sometime in the Spring, early Spring, because the air was still chilly and Starbucks was still serving London Fog's, Matt and I decided to head North to the Woodbury Common Fashion Outlet. We took to the car and were off. I was excited to head out for a shopping trip with my favorite person, and he was excited to have me distraction free in the car. (I'm just being honest here!). We stopped and loaded up on warm beverages somewhere in New Jersey. As I sipped my London Fog we talked about what we were looking for at the outlets, which stores we hit up first, and we talked of the future. We were both finally employed, we were excited about where life was going to take us next. I remember that drive so fondly. As we headed in to the hills north of New York City we talked about having children, buying a house and how excited we both were to start those journeys together. I saw my Husband growing up, becoming a man right in front of me and realized how much we were about to do together, that even though we had almost 9 years behind us there were so many more ahead.
Isn't it amazing with an hour car ride can do for you?

3 for 1

Since I've missed the last two days of Best of '09 posts- ya'll are getting a 3 fer today!

Challenge:

I can't talk that much about this, because I don't think it is that appropriate to outline some of my job struggles here. However, my biggest challenge of the year was most certainly being under utilized and very unhappy in the position I took in December of '08. In a recession I had to find a way out, while also exiting gracefully and still staying true to my work ethic. I learned some valuable lessons and found my way in the end, hence my great moment of peace the week after leaving. This situation pushed me to the edge and helped me find true balance in my life and reminded me that I shouldn't and couldn't let work bleed in to my personal life. It was the best, because it was the largest I dealt with this year, while also teaching me many, many lessons.

Album of the Year:

Ooh this is a really really hard one. As you know, I have trouble picking favorites, and so I'm not even going to answer the question. However, my joyful and best music moments of the year have been receiving my music newsletters from a friend of a friend with a lot of fabulous new music. That playlist is constantly on when I'm commuting and I've found some fantastic tunes.

The Best Place:

When I walk in the door to my apartment, and I see Matt sitting on the couch with a smile on his face, that brings me to my best place.

I Will List

Inspired by the Lululemon email today:

2010 I Will List

I will run 2 1/2 Marathons
I will run at least 2 Triathlons
I will own a home
I will become a Weight Watchers lifetime member
I will catch up on the phone with friends instead of over email
I will travel to one place I've never been before
I will work hard and play harder
I will be creative 3 times a month
I will plant flowers, vegetables and herbs in my first Garden
I will retain my Yoga practice

What will you do in 2010?

Morning Coffee

Something about the cooler temperatures, and crisper air makes me want to nestle in and write, write, write. I'll take it!
Last night I couldn't sleep- and I wanted to open up this page and just word vomit, but then I decided that I always write in those situations, when the words just flow out of me and usually it is melancholy. I decided to push myself to not write when it is easy, to sometimes make it a little bit more challenging and write when maybe I don't feel it. That is when you can yield the greatest reward- right?
I'm drinking some Dunkin' Dounts coffee and it transports me right back to Boston. You know what else does? Finding out from a friend last night that she was going out to get drinks with a guy she briefly dated when we were roommates, flash backs here they come! I can feel myself back there, back in that place in my life. It was good. I didn't feel it in the moments, but looking back, I had it, I had that typical post collegiate experience. I moved in with someone from school, I set up shop in a new city and I slowly started taking those big adult steps everyone has to take at some point. We had a good thing going. It started off with crazy nights out every weekend, typical, I know. Then it transitioned in to more neighborly get togethers. TV nights, pot luck dinners, shared holiday fun. We were growing up and it felt good. And then it had to end.
At the time, I didn't really let myself think too deeply about what moving really meant. I was going through a shit storm of a time emotionally, I won't even link to blogs about it but just head back to the Fall of 2006 and Winter/Spring of 2007 and you'll see, and so moving kind of felt like running away. I thought that if I moved, things would be better, I guess. Of course that never is the way.
I look back now and think of how months before I had already left, I was already gone and I wonder how that must have felt for my roommate, my dear friend. I know I had been pushing her away emotionally for months. It didn't have anything to do with her, I was dealing with my own shit and pushing away was sometimes easier than letting in.
Sometimes I want to talk to her about it, ask her what it was like for her, how she felt during all of it. Apologize. Maybe she didn't even notice, maybe she was busy with her own emotions at moving in to a new place, at starting a new chapter of her life.
I got through the haze of everything and started to look back and think about the person I was. Sometimes that's not easy.
But then I drink a cup of DD coffee and I remember the good times, and I miss it all, so much. Moving to NY was one of the best decisions I've ever made and I wouldn't change it, anything about it.
I guess I have to realize that it is more nostalgia than anything. There are always things you can look back on and think, "Those were the good years!" "That was the best time of my life."
And then you have to turn around, and look at what you have now, look at what lies ahead of you. It gives me chills to think of all that is to come in my life, all that is just about to happen, like right there, right now.
And maybe I'll have another cup of DD coffee in a year or so from now and think, "remember when I was just on the edge of all of this and was thinking about my years becoming an adult? Oh shit, I really am one now!"

Thoughts on Upward Movements

People tell me I'm skipping around the office, that I "still have that smile on my face." Maybe I am, maybe they're just now noticing that I'm generally a pretty happy and positive person. Whatever the case, this change is good. The funny thing for me with change is that, I am good with it and not so good with it. I know that feeling will hit at some point, but right now I'm feeling great. This all feels right, this all feels like it is happening how it was supposed to, just 9 months later than I had hoped it would. Okay, all of a sudden this is sounding like an I'm pregnant post, which it isn't.
I've never given notice before and known it was going to be a shock. I have actually only given notice once before and all parties knew it was coming, and knew it was most definitely for the best. In this case, I know it is for the very best for me- but I'm sure my boss feels differently. And the funny thing is, she's treating me better than she ever has before. I guess you don't miss your water, huh?
But this is all fancy speak for telling my dear readers that I'm moving on up, in all senses. I'm taking the step up the ladder I had hoped for after being laid off, I'm going to be working uptown from my present office and I'm taking that blessed pay increase that everyone hopes for.
The woman who will be my new boss reminds me a lot of one of my former bosses, the one I learned the most from. I'm excited about not only being able to push myself to learn and grow in HR, but that I'll have someone cheering me on and coaching me from the sidelines. Something I've missed over the last 2.5 years.

The funny thing for me about careers and career aspirations is that I never really thought I had any. I plugged along for a few years being my typical A-type self and pushing to get all I could out of my work experiences. Little did I know that I was advancing in and creating a career for myself. And now, all of a sudden I've taken this huge and exciting step up and during a recession. Wow. Maybe I am a career woman?

The one thing I am struggling with a little, tiny, teeny bit is that I don't know if I want a "career", I don't know if I want a corner office and a closet full of suits and power lunches and all that jazz. I know that I could have it, and I know that I will most likely get somewhere close in the next 5+ years, and there are so many other things I want too. I want creativity in my life, I want a family that I'm home with more often than not. I'm not going to start getting in to the "you can have it all" discussion, because that's not what this is about. This is about me exploring what I really want to do with my life and my career time.

Right now, this move and this opportunity feels right. Right now, I'm excited and energized and passionate about it. What I have to figure out is, am I feeling these things because it is the path I've been following and the most secure one? Or, are there other things at play? And, in the end I have to remind myself that I can do it all, if I want to. I can do both and maybe not even at the same time and that most certainly is still doing it all.

Greener

I was thinking today how for so much of the last 2+ years I've been waiting for the next big thing. I don't think I've really felt settled in a place since the first few years out of college, when life was just about taking this exciting new step and settling in to being a grown up. I had fun, I didn't think too much about the future and for most of my time in Somerville Matt was living nearby.

After my Dad died I concentrated on living in the moment, just being in that second and getting to the next. Then I decided to move to NY and everything was about getting there. Then I got here and everything was about getting a job. Then I got a job and next was getting engaged. We got engaged, then it was about the WEDDING. We got married!!! But we also got unemployed and it was about getting a job, if it hadn't have been about that, it would have been about getting a house. Now we're employed, and staying here for another year, but I don't feel the settled feeling I'd like to feel as a newlywed. I am blissfully happy with my husband, but not with my situation.
I want a house, I want a yard, I want to make a place ours, our first place.
I can't watch the new home shows on HGTV anymore because it makes me too anxious, too uncomfortable, too I want to be there and I can't be for my own good.
The timing isn't right for us, but the problem is it was and then that got screwed up because of losing jobs and a losing economy. It was supposed to be our time, and it isn't anymore and now I can't just sit with it and be happy where I am.
It is like I've been in this head first into the next thing phase for so long that I can't just sit back and be happy and settled. I want so badly to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing next. It is who I am. I am results oriented, I am driven, I go out and get it, which makes me a great employee and business woman, but is not always so great when I have to wait for the right time. The thing is I have patience, for many many things, but not for this.
How do I get back to just being in a moment and letting myself be? How do I just sit back and let things happy the way they will, not the way I want them too? There must be a flip I can switch somewhere, or is it not that easy? I have a feeling it's not.
When I'm sitting in a desk chair I'm usually leaning forward, I just realized that. Leaning in to the words, in to the computer, in to what I'm about to do next even though I haven't finished what is right in front of me.
Things are good right now. I have a husband I adore, who adores me. I have a job in an economy when they are scarce. I have my family and friends who are all healthy and happy. Things are good right now, and I need to start taking that in instead of jumping to a place where I think they might be better.
The grass is greener right below your feet.

Resolutions

Check out my 2009 resolution: Cooking

New Year in Review

January: I picked out my wedding dress, which is telling to what the focus of my year was. It was an overwhelming experience for me mostly because it was another step which meant I was getting married without my Dad.
I had to watch the Patriots lose their undeafted season to the Giants, with all Giant's fans.

February: This was a good month, I dove in to wedding planning, I felt really happy in all aspects of my life. The year was looking up.

March: I started Weight Watchers and Triathlon Training, another major focus for my year. Matt’s parents get a new puppy, a fun place to put some focus and energy. I picked up the memoir again and got through a chunk of it and then put it back down again.

Apri: Wedding things started to be finalized. As Spring came to the City, I spent more and more time in the park, running, walking around, taking pictures. The pope was in town and we saw him drive by. I also started the path to accepting the new man in Mom’s life.

May: Did my first Triathlon, mini, on Mother’s Day. It was the 2nd year anniversary. Took a family trip to California with Mom and Sam, had a fantastic trip. Kate and Helena both got engaged on Memorial Day!
I meet and start getting to know David.

June: The year starts to shift, A big project starts at work, I get asked to work with the VP and a Asst. Director on it, very top secret, I think fantastic I’m moving up in the world!
Running more and more outside with Matt including at night since the days were heating up so much. It felt like summer and like I was getting married soon.
Kate and Eric move back to NY, Kate throws me a fantastic Bridal Shower.

July: The highs and lows begin. Matt finishes law school, sadly his Grandfather passes away. Wedding finalization really ramps up as work gets more stressful and scary and my future is unclear.

August: They continue in August. I complete my first "real" Triathlon and love it. I'm laid off. The month ends with the best wedding EVER.

September: The month started in Hawaii, what a way to start the fall and our unemployment. The High Holidays return again bringing reflection and the emotions of the "holiday season" without Dad. Matt and I adjust to our time together during unemployment and begin our 1/2 Marathon training.

October: The month was filled with a lot of running which helped with the unemployment eating. We spent time with our unemployed friends doing fun activities. Lots of applying for jobs and not a lot of interviews.

November: Matt and I complete our first ½ Marathon! Matt's friend Emily and Jared get married. Unemployment was really getting to us, restlessness, unease and anxiety filled November. It was the first year I wasn't with my family for Thanksgiving.

December: Even with the anxiety over the economy, December is ending with the same sense of hopefulness for the future that I had last year during the winter. Matt and I are both working, we are more happier and in love than ever and our families are happy and healthy. What more could we ask for?

Here's to what I think will be a fantastic 2009, for everyone.

All Things Considered

A friend asked me tonight how I was. I immediately answered that I was good, and then added in an all things considered, which she questioned. I answered, "because of the being unemployed and all" (riveting conversation, I know). Thinking about it now, I guess I do feel a sense of not being allowed to be happy, or good, or even great considering the situation. And not only my current situation, but the world's. But I am happy overall, my life is good, maybe even great...besides being unemployed. I could hear tomorrow that I have a job, at a great company that suits me nearly perfectly and maybe it is that hopefulness that keeps me in good spirits, most of the time.
I found last night as I was trying to fall asleep that I started to get anxious about hearing about the job this week and realized I hadn't felt it at allover the weekend despite having thought I'd hear Wednesday and then Thursday and then Friday night I realized I wouldn't. I was able to put it out of my mind since I knew there was no chance I could fantasize it happening when I wanted. What is it with anxiety and worrying that allows you to control it so easily sometimes, and then not at all no matter what you do or what people say to you at others? Maybe it is just me.
Regardless, I believe it was this ability to enjoy my weekend and put that which I cannot control out of my mind that has left me with a sense of happiness and hopefulness.
All this has left me with a new found sense of wanting to relish in and celebrate the goodness I have. Maybe it is just that subconsciously I can feel myself nearing the end of my job hunt and I want to make the most of getting to settle in with my husband as we start our new life together. All things considered, that ain't so bad.

Falling in to it

The Jewish New Year is right around the corner of this weekend and it feels like Fall outside. When did it go from Labor Day weekend to Fall? When did I go from planning a wedding to being a newlywed? I told someone the other day I left my job on the 15th of September because August 15th sounded too far away, but it was over a month ago that I left and all the newness came in to my life. Wow.
Soon it will be October and I still won't have a job. When Matt would mention October when we were in Hawaii I would panic a little bit inside and think how scary it was to think about October coming and me not being employed. Now it is almost here, and I'm okay. Things are happening, pieces are moving and we're going to be just fine.
Going to NH this weekend will make Fall feel even more present in my world. To see the colors on the trees and feel the cold air on my skin in the mornings and evenings, and probably throughout the day will feel good.
Seasons changing always rejuvinates me, even the first snow of the year. My sinuses don't like it, but I love stepping outside and thinking the air has changed, that the time has shifted in to a new season.
It helps to deal with change if you embrace the cycles that come with it and enjoy and relish in all they bring.
For me Fall brings out sweatshirts and sweaters and brown boots. I can drink tea at night to relax and be comfortable with the window open and a fleece blanket on me. Fall means oranges and reds and all the warm full of life colors that I enjoy. I'll want to have a glass of wine with dinner and embrace the ciders, pumpkins and warm drinks that everyone will be selling.
I'm looking forward to running in the park as the season changes and just as I embraced the arrival of the cherry blossoms and Spring I'll marvel at the leaves changing and the air crisping. I love crispy air, ooh and crispy apples.

Turn, Turn, Turn

Oh this blog. What can I say that is really that different from my last post, besides the obvious that I got married and went to Hawaii? Not much. There is a lot of change swirling around in my life right now, and it is hard for me from moment to moment to stay grounded in the happy changes that have occurred. I'm a married woman now, and it feels great. In some ways that is the smallest change in terms of adjustment because it feels so right, and brings me to exactly where I'm supposed to be.
On the plane to Hawaii I was uneasy, it wasn't because I was going to Hawaii and it wasn't because I was married, it was everything else that the wedding being over meant would come next.
After Hawaii I had to come back home and really start my job search, before Hawaii I was kind of job searching and getting lucky but mostly just finishing up details for the wedding and reveling in not having to go to work.
After Hawaii I have to figure out where to take the rest of my life, I have to start getting things in order for even bigger and better changes to come.
It is a lot, and although I'm good at change and going with the flow- the old adage is so true- it isn't easy.
Everyday is different, which is good, but everyday has moments of fear and is often filled with anxiety at what will come next. I can't think about the future too much, mostly because I work myself up thinking things like, "What if I don't have a job by then?"
But the good things are, I'm recognizing my needs. I know I have to get out of the apartment as much as I can and not let myself be tied to my desk, so I am. When I think back to the Spring I moved to NY and was looking for a job I see myself as miserable. This Spring I remember walking through the park and thinking- "why was I not here last Spring?" I was tied to my desk, and it wasn't good. I need to start moving more, the week has been a little messed up with still adjusting to the time zone difference and I'm not as energetic as I'd like to be- and damn if exercise isn't the best stress/anxiety buster that doesn't come in a bottle I don't know what is.
The best thing is, and Matt keeps reminding me of this, my personal life is great. We're married and it is thrilling and exciting and just how it should be.

With every season, right?

Losing Control

It’s hard work growing up, and sometimes harder still when you see someone else trying to, working at it, realizing it. And there’s nothing you can do but tell them- “It’s going to be okay- you’re going to get through this, it’s tough now but somehow you survive and come out better on the other end.”

It’s hard watching people you love make the same mistakes and worry about the same things you did, and they just have to. There isn’t anything you can do to fix that for them, you’re just not allowed to. Everyone has to live through these experiences to get to the next level, to grow up, to wisen up, to mature.

I want to reach out and just make it better, but I can just be here and remind him of that, a couple of times at least, because you know those 21 year Male brains can’t hold on to that much.

I had an epiphany the other day, that I need to stop trying to control everything around me all the time. It was only while having the epiphany that I started to realize how much I really am trying to control things, all the time. And I have to change that, I have to step back and let things happen how they will, I can’t always have my hand on each wheel making sure we are on the path I want to be on. Sometimes I have to let go and just sit back, and know that however it turns out, big and small, I’ll be okay.

I believe it is a fall out from loss and grieving that has made me try to control the world around me even more tightly. I lost and that means I didn’t have control, I don’t have control and that fear becomes the drive, passion, the lust for it back. And as I started to fully grieve again more recently I tried harder to grasp on to what I could and tightly control it. But I realized, during said epiphany that losing is partially hard because you realize what you don’t have control over- and when things don’t go the way you’ve tried to force them to go disappoint is paramount. If I keep trying to tightly control everything I can, won’t I just grieve that much harder when things don’t go my way? Aren’t I just pushing back the grief and filling the space with the obsession with control? If I’m going to truly process and move to whatever next step there is, don’t I have to try and let myself give in to the lack of control? To honor and recognize that there are many things you can control and while there are things you can, most times you shouldn’t try too hard to control everything, especially the little things like your Fiancée making dinner plans with his parents that get you home later than you had planned for, because when you let go and let things happen how they will sometimes you find that everyone around you is happier, because they are all getting a say too.

Now I’m recognizing all the things I’ve been trying to control, now I can stop myself. I found myself calling out, “Yes!” when the JP at Jen’s rehearsal stood where I wanted him too (Other people had suggested he stand there) and my friends turned and laughed at me. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said as I put my hand over my mouth and through my mind ran the words, “I’m crazy!” There was a woman at the rehearsal that kept calling out to the JP and telling him what to do, we talked about who we thought she was and one friend said, “Adrienne she’s you when you get older.” “You’re right,” I said although I wanted to deny it. But I can change that now. I don’t want to see myself as growing up to become a controlling woman who can’t keep her desire to make things ‘just so’ to herself. I want to give great ideas when they’re asked for, and be in just enough control to be successful and balanced. But I’m not balanced now, too much control doesn’t allow for that, or too much attempt at control. I’m getting there though.

Being able to sit back and watch and help when I can, and when it makes sense, as my little brother grows up in the way he needs to is a good step in that direction.

Dust

There's dust everywhere. Everything I move as I pack yields dust. My nose is running and I'm coughing and sneezing. Sick of the dust.

I want clean, I want new, I want to unpack and set up my things in new ways, in our new place. I want the boxes moved so I clean here too. My life is changing, things are happening, its time to clean the dust left behind, the 2 years of living here, what's been collecting under couches and behind bookshelves.

I've got the good stuff, its not dust. I've got memories, and images of what the apartment was like, how I lived in it, the good times spent it, everything it was for me and how it helped carry me through the last two years. I won't vacuum those up. That's why I'm ready, why I'm yearning to clean. Its the other stuff, the crumbs, the unused spaces, that can be swept up.

I'll want to clean the new place too, make sure as we unpack its our dust that will start to collect. To be swept again when we move on, which we will, but it will be together and we'll be different, but it will be good. So good. And I won't sneeze.