Farewell January

I haven't been writing because I want to focus more on writing when I don't feel like whining, or complaining or being sad. I have to say, although this month was filled with much good:

Birthday
Visits from Family
Celebrations with friends
Raise
Bonus

It was also filled with a lot of stress and anxiety. I don't want to rehash it, because I'm trying to focus on the positive and good in my life. A few weeks ago I went to a Friday night Yoga class that focused on physically and mentally opening ourselves up to all the beauty and good in our life and so I've been trying to continue focusing on that. I'm open, I'm ready and the goodness has been coming.
So with this, I say farewell to January - and it can take its below 30 weather with it.

The Gifts we Give Ourselves

The prompt for Best of '09 on Christmas Day was: "What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?"

I'm guessing that the way people approached this was probably split 50/50. Half of the bloggers probably focused on a physical gift- something they splurged on, maybe something simple they just had to have and bought themselves. I'm sure the other half are focusing on more intangiable gifts, things they rewarded themselves with, or a mindset they made sure to keep, or even changing a lifestyle for the better.
I could go both ways, but in the spirit of how I usually approach posts I'll take about the more intangible gift I gave myself this year, the best one.
That gift has been believing in myself. It isn't always easy to maintain a positive and confident approach to the world, In that past few years I haven't been a good role model at doing this for myself. I've always been good at encouraging others, but often failed to take my own advice. I beat myself up, I get frustrated, sometimes I give up. Worst of all, I just let myself stay or remain in situations where I'm not happy, and not fulfilled. You wouldn't know this looking at me, or interacting with me on the regular, but I know it.
When I look back on 2009 I don't think, "Wow that was a great year!" To be honest, I do think of it for 2008 even with the job loss and 3 months of unemployment, and that's because I had so many happy events to celebrate. However, when I think of 2009 I do see myself believing that I can do more, I can be more and I deserve more. I see myself getting out of a bad job situation, taking charge. I see myself believing I could compete in endurance events even when I didn't train as hard as I wanted, and doing it. I see myself as an adult, making adult decisions that are scary and exciting and take a lot of faith and belief in what I can accomplish and what I can handle. This year, I gifted myself the belief that I have a lot and will do a lot in my lifetime. Bring it on 2010, I'm ready.

Be Open, Stay Open

December 24th: What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

I think of myself as someone who is open to feedback, open to change and ready for the challenges that life brings. That isn't to say that I adapt well or shift my reactions, opinions and output quickly, I don't. For the past 2 years a lot has been changing in my life for the most part it has been very good, but it doesn't come without any challenges. I have had to bide my time, watch my reactions and constantly step back and reevaluate my snap judgments. Those aren't always easy to change. In fact, I would say that the judgments you make quickly are the ones that are hardest to reevaluate. So, the lesson I've learned this year, I hope, that has helped change me? Don't let yourself be driven by those snap decisions and judgments. Be open to all the information and gather it before you determine how you are going to approach a situation or person. In short, don't just be open, stay open.

Extroverted Introvert Writes Post When She Should be Sleeping

I told myself I'd go to bed at 10:30 tonight so I'd get my 9 hours of sleep, and yet here I am up and at my computer, watching the Patriots and thinking of excuses/reasons I'm not in bed. Reality is, I don't like to miss things. I like to be a part of things, in the mix, and all that. However, another piece of my reality is that I'm a homebody and shy too.
I was very, extremely, so so close to skipping the 10 year high school reunion that I organized this past weekend. I didn't want to go, I wanted to cozy up at home and do the safe avoidance thing. The other whatever on my shoulder was telling me, "But what about everything you might miss, what if you wake up and check facebook on Saturday and see all these awesome pictures and think oh shit why didn't I go!?" I went back in forth all day. Seriously. Melia told me she could write a Nurses note saying I had H1N1. My Aunt told me I'd be crazy to not go, I had to go. My Mom thought it would be cool to skip after having organized it. I knew Matt would be happy to skip. Oy.
Why am I so double sided? Why is it that I like to be the center of attention, and also like to avoid, skip, cancel and cuddle up safely at home? I'm an introvert with mega extrovert skills, that's why. Thanks SARK!
Anyway, this is supposed to be short so I can actually get in to bed, made much easier given the Saints just scored again. I went to the reunion. It was good, I'm glad I went. I let the buzz of a Scorpion Bowl make me say something I probably shouldn't have, no drama just silly. I saw people I was happy to see, I felt a little awkward around people I expected to and I left a little early so I could run home and put on my PJs. Phew. Moral of the story? I can have both, I can't quite have my cake and eat it too (Why didn't I just invite everyone to my Mom's house!?) but I can put my neck out and be uncomfortable and happy that I experienced something and still get home in time to feel warm, safe and happy on my Mom's couch.

Running to where I want to be

There's a lot I've been wanting to say lately, or write about. I keep not sitting down and just writing it. I let myself get caught up in other things. There's a lot to get caught up in this life. Last night I went for a run with a friend. Right at the time when we can either turn left and do 4 miles or stay straight and make it 5 we were getting to the meaty stuff, the part of the conversation when we're both going to say some things that will be realizations for us, that will help us grow. So I didn't even ask, I just guided us straight. I figured we'd both need the extra mile to process. And I think we did. It was a good moment. It kind of felt like a Sex and the City moment, when the writing was great and the characters were going through things that you could see yourself going through without the sex, the clothes and maybe generally the life style. I was honest with her and to myself. I realized something, like I thought I would. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "You know, I really believe you can have it all, you have to be open to it though. You have to be open to letting someone come in to your life and take up a lot of time."
Her: "You're right. You have it all. Look at you, you just transitioned in to a great new job, you've got a great relationship and now you're looking for a house. It kind of makes me want to go puke on the sidewalk!"
We laughed, she was joking, (right!?). But then I realized that thing and so I responded,
"You're right, but I've definitely made some choices in my career to have the relationship be center. I could have my PHR, I could have pushed harder and done more. I could be staying at work until 8 every night working on projects, but I don't."
And then we ran on, and I kind of moved on from it as we chatted about less heavy things. It is true though, I don't throw myself in to work because I would rather throw myself in to my life outside of work. I use my drive and my smarts to get a lot of shit done when I have to be here. I'm lucky that I don't have to stay at work until all hours to get to the place I'm at, however I could be further in my career. I struggle with that sometimes. I sometimes feel like I haven't realized all I can be. But then I have to let it go, because in other areas of my life I'm where I should be , whatever that means, and I've definitely worked hard to get there. To get here. Right where I want to be.

Fall Meme

A regular read of mine is Brookem over at Skrinkering Hearts and her post today was not only a great way to push yourself to blog, but a well crafted little essay producer by one her fav blogs. Well enough crafted that I'm taking it and using it!
Here it is- a Fall Meme:

1. It’s not fall in NYC (or your city of origin) until you: don't sweat disgustingly when waiting for the Subway. Seriously, though- I think this applies for most cities in the NE- when you walk outside and feel that crispness in the air, the same crispness you feel biting in to a freshly harvested apple. Mmm I want to go apple picking, it is fall!

2. Kelly Preston’s character in the movie For Love of the Game expresses her need to escape NYC because “Summer’s almost over, and I feel like I missed it.” What do you need to do in the waning days of summer for it to feel complete? This is an interesting one, because I'm not the type that feels I need to soak up a season in order to feel like I haven't missed it. I think the one thing I need to do to feel like a Summer is complete is go to Squam Lake, so done and done.

3. The person I know is wrong for me but about whom I frequently think after a break-up is? I don't really think this question applies to me since I've been with the same person for 9+ years, but in the past I would always think about my longtime school crush- not that he was wrong for me, but he was just someone always in my mind when I wasn't in a relationship. Again, this was 10 years ago...

4. The US Tennis Open, one of four Grand Slam events in that sport, is currently in the quarterfinal round. If you could only attend one major sporting event what would it be? The Superbowl, I love football!

5. Assuming that you write an anonymous or partially anonymous blog, by what non-physically identifying characteristics might you be identified in a bar? Not anonymous at all, but people who read this who don't know me, could probably id me by my personality, I think it comes across very strongly in this blog and how I write.

6. Most blogs cover some sort of niche – personal, political, dating, culinary, etc. What topic, if any, would you like to address on your blog but doesn’t fit into your niche? Ooh, this is a tough one, I guess something that I love to chat about and read about is thoughts/opinions/reactions for TV Shows, good, bad and reality.

7. If you could manipulate the time space continuum and give as many as three pieces of advice to a younger version of yourself, what advice would you give and to what age of you?
14 Year Old Self: This is NOT the most important part of your life, these are not the most important people in your life. Let yourself live these experiences freely, and stop worrying so much about what people think of you and trying too hard. Explore your environment, dig in to what you love no matter what others may think, be yourself and let yourself be without too many external factors altering you.
18 Year Old Self: You're beautiful, young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't sweat the small stuff, and don't let others bring your down
24 Year Old Self: Take it all in now and cherish these moments, shits about to hit the fan. But you'll get through it, remember how strong you are, and come out the better for it.

8. Who among your friends do you really wish had a blog because their stories, or perspective on something ought to be shared? My husband! Do it up Bay!

9. If you were to take an e-cation (vacation from the trappings of our electronic world,) and assuming that employment obligations would allow it, how long of a break could you take? What would you miss the most, the least? This is so hard, I think I could last a couple of months, maybe. I'd really miss the connectedness I feel (maybe I'll be giving my age advice in 10 years saying, get off the internet that's not the most important part of your life!). I'm much more of an email person than a phone person so it is how I communicate with my friends who don't live in NY- I'd miss them! I think I could go a couple of months though, and in fact I think it would be really really good for me.

10. On September 11th of this year, I will be attending a couple of parties and am somewhat conflicted by the fact that this ignoble anniversary shall pass with it being just another day in the eyes of many (and in some ways my own eyes as well.) Thoughts? I can relate to this on the level of what May 7th, the anniversary of my Dad's death means to me, I think some years it won't stand out and some it will extremely, but it is how I choose to honor it that matters. It is hard to not just keep plugging along and look at it as any other day, and in the same respects it is hard to not think about what the day means and how it affects a lot of people. I think you have to approach it and treat it the way that makes the most sense for you, personally. I don't agree with, at this point, things being forced on people. There are some for who this day doesn't have a great impact, and some for who it is the hardest day of their year- it is an extremely personal thing and I don't think anyone should be judged for how they honor it or what it means to them.

11. How high are your walls? Who was the last person to scale them? What tools should would-be climbers have on their belt? I have very low walls, but they aren't always easy to get over. You can see over them, sure, but to get at what is on the other side, not so easy. I don't do any guarding on purpose, it is just who I am. I am a very interesting mix of my parents in that way. I'm an introvert with high extrovert skills- so you know who I am and what I'm about, but to get inside, not always so easy. I've had managers in the past who told me I was an enigma- I think that's a good way to describe my walls. You think you know me and who I am, but then all of a sudden you question it. I don't know why or how I do it though... honestly.

12. The sexiest thing a wo/man can say to you (or has said to you) is? Tell me I'm beautiful.

Squam

The light ripples and reflects off the water in a way unlike anything else. It feels clean and inviting against my hot skin. I sit and I watch and I don't need to do anything else. The hum of people present, they join in our vigil of taking in what surrounds us, and they come back year after year to replenish.
I see the Birch Bark Cross that stood next to us as we wed and I feel nostalgic and happy and blessed that it was here.
I lift my arms and pull the water away, feeling strong and ready and warm enveloped by this body.
I pump my legs against petals and pavement and take in the green pastures and tall trees.
I eat the bounty of the season, hand picked from long skinny boats.
I sleep deeply and easily.
I feel replenished and full, and then I drive away and think of my return immediately.

Triggers

I was thinking about associations lately. How certain things, and smells and feelings will always bring me back to certain places.

Dial liquid orange soap makes me think of Alison & John's house. Of Friday night suppers there, summers spent with neices & nephews, and feeling safe and comfortable in that environment. Butterscotch candies make me think of visiting Bubba & Daddy Ray. Of playing Chinese checkers on a metal board and sharing holidays and family events together. Christmas makes me think of Grandma & Grandpa's house, I can smell the warmth and taste the egg-in-the-hole she'd make. I see her small porcelain tree with little colored lights adorning it sitting in the dining room. When I smell that musty cigarette smell mixed with age I think of Matt's Grandparents apartment. The carpets worn from years of use, the walls and rooms filled with treasures collected throughout a well lived life. It doesn't smell bad to me, it smells like family, memories and time.

When I was growing up my friends and I would talk about what smells we experienced in each other's homes. Emily's Mom's car always had that new car smell that made me feel kind of sick. Sarah's house smelled of middle class cooking and synthetics. The Purinton's house smelled of nature, wood and kids. I never knew what my house smelled like, I lived in it too much, and still do, to notice anything unusual. Someone told me it smelled like peanuts.

I want that now, a place that I create as ours and we fill with who we are. What will be associated with us, and how will it permeate others lives? And what associations am I still to find? Will I look back 10 years from now and smell the inside of a new BMW and be transported back to those many Sunday evenings getting driven back in to the city, to our first home? The one where it all started.

Beautiful Life

I try to drink a cup of Slim Life Green Tea every morning. It tastes good, and I like what green tea does for me. I look forward to the little quotes that Yogi Teas put on their tabs at the end of the tea bag.
This morning it read, "The beauty of life is to experience yourself."
Something I've struggled with in the past few years is feeling balanced, grounded and present in the moment. I haven't been experiencing myself, who I am in the everyday. Well, I take that back, because I feel as though over the last 6 months I have been centering myself in who I am and where I am. Being unemployed, and having a lot of time on yours hands, after a major life event helps ground you. I took the time, while looking for a job, to enjoy myself. I took walks in the park, I spent time with friends, I spent time with my new husband. We let ourselves get wrapped up in each other and in who we were and where we were going.
So, back to the present moment. I read the tag this morning and thought, “Yeah, that is the beauty of life.” To know who you are, to be confident and assured in yourself. To let yourself be true to your nature and your nurture.
I will be honest in this exploration and say that in the past month Yoga has helped me become more grounded in myself. I leave a class refreshed and calmed, walking higher and slower. That is good for me, I need that. The part of my nature that dominates is moving fast, and I don't want to move so fast that I'm not experiencing myself and what is beautiful in that.
I know there is a piece of me that is calm, a piece of me that can sit in a moment and take it in piece by piece and savor it and revel in the quietness and enjoyment. I want to balance that with my fast talking, fast walking, get it all done now side. Part of the reason Matt is the perfect husband for me is that he nurtures that piece of me, encourages me, pushes me, helps me slow down.
Right now I feel more grounded in moments than I have in some time, and what amazes me is there are so many things I want, so many more pieces of my life I want to build and put in to place- but I'm not allowing that planning to pull me out of these moments, I'm not living in the future as I used to. I know they will happen, I know I will get there. I also now that life is beautiful, especially when I slow down and experience myself.

Greener

I was thinking today how for so much of the last 2+ years I've been waiting for the next big thing. I don't think I've really felt settled in a place since the first few years out of college, when life was just about taking this exciting new step and settling in to being a grown up. I had fun, I didn't think too much about the future and for most of my time in Somerville Matt was living nearby.

After my Dad died I concentrated on living in the moment, just being in that second and getting to the next. Then I decided to move to NY and everything was about getting there. Then I got here and everything was about getting a job. Then I got a job and next was getting engaged. We got engaged, then it was about the WEDDING. We got married!!! But we also got unemployed and it was about getting a job, if it hadn't have been about that, it would have been about getting a house. Now we're employed, and staying here for another year, but I don't feel the settled feeling I'd like to feel as a newlywed. I am blissfully happy with my husband, but not with my situation.
I want a house, I want a yard, I want to make a place ours, our first place.
I can't watch the new home shows on HGTV anymore because it makes me too anxious, too uncomfortable, too I want to be there and I can't be for my own good.
The timing isn't right for us, but the problem is it was and then that got screwed up because of losing jobs and a losing economy. It was supposed to be our time, and it isn't anymore and now I can't just sit with it and be happy where I am.
It is like I've been in this head first into the next thing phase for so long that I can't just sit back and be happy and settled. I want so badly to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing next. It is who I am. I am results oriented, I am driven, I go out and get it, which makes me a great employee and business woman, but is not always so great when I have to wait for the right time. The thing is I have patience, for many many things, but not for this.
How do I get back to just being in a moment and letting myself be? How do I just sit back and let things happy the way they will, not the way I want them too? There must be a flip I can switch somewhere, or is it not that easy? I have a feeling it's not.
When I'm sitting in a desk chair I'm usually leaning forward, I just realized that. Leaning in to the words, in to the computer, in to what I'm about to do next even though I haven't finished what is right in front of me.
Things are good right now. I have a husband I adore, who adores me. I have a job in an economy when they are scarce. I have my family and friends who are all healthy and happy. Things are good right now, and I need to start taking that in instead of jumping to a place where I think they might be better.
The grass is greener right below your feet.

And who am I?

Sorry, but I had to use the Gossip Girl reference for this post, I love it!

I just got off the phone with a psychologist. He gave me my test results for the personality and cognitive testing I did for a job. Most of what he told me wasn't a surprise, I know myself pretty well and thanks to good performance evaluation systems in my last two jobs I know my work self pretty well too.

What spoke to me most was that typically people in my age group have a below average interest in leadership and I have an average interest, something that will serve me well in my career goals. The Dr. used the example that he sees a lot of people my age put in leadership positions they have no interest in. I realized that it does happen more than it probably should and usually in the financial/banking sector. Kids right out of school jump in to specialized jobs and they keep getting bumped up the ladder because they work hard and do well, but then they get to be in leadership jobs at the age of 25 and really just want to be working and playing, not leading. Many of those "kids" are probably out of work now, and they will be lucky to find a job that will pay as much as they made as "leaders", although they'll probably end up finding themselves getting employed at the level they should be, and want to be, at. Nature really does have a way of working these things out.

It was good to hear that the skills I believe I have, and the work I've put in to developing and growing myself in my professional life shows up in testing. It encouraged me that I am a great candidate and whatever job I end up getting I'm going to rock at it and the company that hires me is going to high five and slap itself on the back for snagging me.
It also really got me even more encouraged and ready to be working again. Talking about how I like to build work relationships, how I am insightful and a good coach, that I have leadership interest and aspirations and that my high energy levels allow me to work hard in active environments made me want to put it all back to good use again.
It also speaks to the skills I'd like to put to use sometime outside of the job market. I have many dreams of starting my own business, in different areas, and all of the strengths we spoke about would serve me well there too. If it was a different economy and I lived in a different market I'd like to think I'd do it, bite the bullet and take the plunge, to overuse some cliches. Instead I'm just hoping that what the Dr. reports to my potential new employer will be enough for them to take the plunge and hire me.

Wings and Beer

I’m typically a home body, especially during the work week. I need my chill out time. I just can’t do the boozing during the week and still feel like I can get through the rest of the work week with any sense of normalcy. I’m a girl of routine- and that involves lots of sleep. I love having dinner plans, and seeing people during the week, don’t get me wrong. But I’m just not the type to go out drinking on a Tuesday. I’m sure being in a serious relationship changes my attitude towards it, and age too, now that I think about it. Not that I went out during the week when I was a recent college grad- but I went out on the weekends a lot more.

Last night friends invited us for $.25 wings and beer a local bar. I was feeling a tad exhausted and my stomach wasn’t really in the mood for wings and beer- but Matt really wanted to go so I pushed through and headed into the snowy night. I skipped the beer, why waste the carbs on bad lite beer, especially when I could replace them with fries (does that make me sound totally diet crazy?). As we stood waiting for a table, the delicious smell of buffalo sauce, good buffalo sauce, enticing us, some friends of friends who had come to join were discussing recent night-out adventures. Making out with boys in corners, being weirded out by weird guys lingering too long. I nodded as she animatedly described various situations she’d recently been in, specifically cottage cheese boy, because kissing him was like kissing cottage cheese. She then exclaimed that her co-workers had taken shots of vodka at the office before heading out that night. I just kept nodding. I really had nothing to say in response. The stories were funny, cottage cheese boy especially and her friend kept asking her about different men she’d heard mention of in passing. But I couldn’t relate, I can’t relate.

For a few minutes a part of me was jealous. It sounds like fun, the various crazy people you run in to when out and about, the young single woman on the town sex and the city type lifestyle. There are small parts of me still that would love to try it on for a week or two, going out to fun new places, dancing in to the night and then waking up to kick ass at some high powered job. But it is just not who I am, I think there is always going to be part of me that could connect to that lifestyle from afar and appreciate the draw, the lure of the fast and fabulous. There is a bigger part of me that likes the simple pleasures my current life offers, like cuddling up under a fleece with Matt rubbing my feet after work, or going to the gym together and coming home to cook dinner and kick his ass at Scrabble, and especially having good friends here that I can meet up with for dinner, home or out, bad TV or gossip over brunch. And weren’t all the SATC characters looking for that deep down? Lucky me, I’ve got it.

About Today

They started into a more mellow song to end the night with that I didn't recognize. I tuned in to the lyrics and heard Matt Berninger sing, "You close your eyes and I just watch you." Wow, I thought, that's such a true and intense experience. Then I heard, "Hey are you awake? I ask you about today. How close am I to losing you."
My mind instantly shot to a moment I pictured happening after hearing about it from Mom. The night after we called in hospice for Dad they were laying in bed together falling asleep. He turned to her and said, "I love you" and kissed her.
Soon his eyes were closed and we knew how close we were to losing him.

I suddenly felt completely alone in the large venue and that without forcing the feeling back I would break down. I focused on a white spotlight that was shining behind the band and into my eyes. I called up Dad, I felt him with me, and I felt my regrets, and I thought about him being at the concert, enjoying the band, how excited he'd be to hear about the concert and I wanted to tell him about it, I wanted to see him in front of me, I pictured him watching me from behind the spotlight, smiling, there for me in that moment of longing.

"You close your eyes and I just watch you." We watched him for days as he died. I wanted more time with him, the night I came home after we called hospice I went into the room he was in, but there was company so I didn't stay, and that was the last day I remember him being really lucid. I regret not staying, and as I stood in the packed concert hall feeling like I was alone I realized it is another manifestation of my desire to please, my need to make others happy, how much I want to make others happy. It is the same reason I haven't been asking for what I need or even communicating fully what I want to. The company was so happy to be spending time with my awake and alert Dad, so I let them and in the moment it felt like the right thing to do, but also in that moment I wanted a lot of things and the easy decision was to walk out of the room and into my Brothers strong arms so I could sob.

I stood and stared at the light as the mellow music faded and the last song of the set came on, another one I didn't know but I didn't want to focus on it. I couldn't shake the sadness, the deep longing for Dad. I just want him in my life, I wanted to see his face in front of me smiling, I wanted him bopping in the crowd to the music, I just want him to be near me again.
Then the band left and we clapped them back on the stage. I turned to Matt and told him how sad the song had made me, he gave me the universal look of "I'm sorry you're sad." What else could he do? I turned back around and bit back the tears. I felt my chin shudder, I've never felt that before.
They ended the show with a great song, one I love to belt out, one that makes me move even when I'm sitting at my desk at work. And I felt what it was to be both happy and sad and it felt okay. Like I could do it. I can let myself feel the deep sadness and not run away from it by pulling up other easier emotions, and at the same time I can be happy with something that is happening or stimulating me at the moment. It's a step.

The lyrics of the song are below, and the show was great.

About Today
The National

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing
-Cherry Tree 2004

The Year of Magical Thinking

I've been avoiding reading this- and I kind of know why. I looked at it on a table for a couple of months, and then put it on the bookshelf, I'd scan over it as I was looking for my next book to read (I've been flying through them) and not even register it, well actually I would register it but just ignore the registering of it so as not to allow myself to read it.
Today I finally picked it up, because I couldn't find the book I was going to grab to start reading and needed to head out the door.
When I got on the train I had to stand for a couple of stops and usually I'd take my book out anyway, but I didn't. I just let it sit there staring at me from my tote bag. When I got to sit I pulled the book out instinctively and just started reading. I had to stop putting it off, I needed to read this book for many reasons. So I dove in. And it was good, I was really into the story she was beginning to tell, I was finding inspiration to dive back in to my memoir writing, I was enjoying her style and seeing pieces I could work on in my own. Then I got to a part that really touched me, a part I could connect with, see myself doing, see Mom doing and I felt her pain and my own. But luckily it was my stop, so I had to close the book anyway and put it back, and the tears stayed back too.
And that is why I've been avoiding it, I think. But does it hint to something else? Some piece of processing I haven't done, or haven't allowed myself to do. Is it because I know I'm open to this but not wanting to feel the open wound that still exists? A large part of me has remained the "strong person" or the "rock" through much of this experience and maybe the rock mentality hasn't allowed me to do some piece of the processing that still exists, maybe reading this book is going to propel me in to that and I know it and I have to do it, but I've been avoiding it because I have to do it.
When I first started writing what I was experiencing after Dad died a family friend wrote me an email, having read the blog, and admitted that because of my Mom being the widow and the difficulty Sammy experienced processing and coping she had "forgotten" that I had lost my Dad, that I was another person in this mix of who is left, who has lost and who needs comfort and guidance in the process too.
I think I've always felt that too and just let it be the way it is, the way we are now. They needed something more than me, in my mind, but maybe that's not true, maybe I need just as much and now that I'm opening myself up a bit more to it, I can receive it, and it is hard for me to admit that, hard for me to not feel selfish and needy. But, I did lose my Dad. But, I want to be there, I want to be the rock. But, I'm still sad and coping and figuring this out too.
I think that's the real reason I've avoided picking this up for so long. But now I'm in, maybe only a couple of pages in, but I'm in and I'm going to take what comes with it. I need it, it's my time.

Boston

As I drove into Cambridge on Route 2, I instinctively looked to my right to watch as Boston came in to view. There was something slightly mellow and maybe a bit depressing playing in the car and a heavy sense of nostalgia came over me which was soon followed with layers of sadness and longing.
I miss Boston, I miss the social network I had there, the dailyness of my life, how easy it was to jump in my car and head anywhere. But, I only miss it when I'm there. I'm happy in New York. Very happy. I have new social networks, I have my dailyness and routines and most importantly Matt and I are together, finally.
When I'm in Boston, I think of what I miss, who I miss and what my last year in Boston was like which brings up the feelings of grief.
Matt and I stopped in Boston on the way home for Labor Day weekend and I got a drink with friends, it felt great. We danced to a semi-bad band, we drank good beer and wine and caught up in person. As we left, heading to NH for the weekend I was filled with longing for more. More weekend nights with old friends which always left me feeling fulfilled. As the cab drove us from Brighton to the North End this weekend I found myself in the front seat and as he went through the tunnel in the lane I would drive in every evening on my way home from work to Somerville I flashed to that time in my life, and missed it... not necessarily the job, but just...it.
As soon as we got back to NY after Labor Day, I began weekly girls' nights with bad shows and good convo, started class, and kept a full schedule and felt good.
But now again, I'm missing my friends who I spent a weekend with full of fun, food, dancing, drinks and a few tears (a typically bachelorette party weekend I think). I'm missing who I was in Boston, but not unhappy with who I am in NY. It is an odd thing for me to feel and balance, I'm sad in this moment...yet in general really happy. I'm feeling like I'm missing someone or something, or both...and yet I'm totally fulfilled with my life here.
The drive back propelled me into these thoughts...the light filtering through changing colored trees on the Meritt, the cool air, the layering of clouds on bright blue sunny sky. I love fall, but I do find I'm always much more thoughtful in fall...and I suppose dear reader you'll benefit from that.

Post Vacation Depression

I've had little to no motivation to do anything at work this week. I get home late every night and just sit on the couch and catch up on the two weeks of TV I've missed (lame!). Then I lay in bed trying to fall asleep and toss and turn with anxiety over all the things I haven't done (clean the apartment, put things away, cook the fresh veggies from Mom's garden, spend time with Matt). So all things considered, I think that points to PVD.

Now that I know, I definitely feel more motivated to get some shit done this week and since we'll be sailing all day tomorrow, and I part of the shit I want to get done is work related, today's the day. I started work with a bang and have been blasting through some projects I've been pushing to the bottom of the pile for weeks. I cleared my schedule so I could have a CFF (Commitment Free Friday) and go home, have QT with the Fiancee and do some cleaning/organizing. I'm more excited than I have been all week.

It feels good, like I'm back into the grove I'd gotten into before vaca. I'm excited about the small things, I'm feeling good about work and things are good. I think its why I haven't blogged really all week. I was just blah. But Squam was wonderful and there are so many pictures to show and things to write about besides that list I made.
Even though this is slightly tounge in cheek and I'm not really depressed just suffering from a vacation hangover, it is so true that once you can verbalize the problem, or admit to having the problem, it all becomes so clear. I feel the motivation returning, I want to accomplish and achieve at work and am ready to tackle getting things in order for the upcoming weeks, cause really after this week I don't get to use the vacation excuse anymore.

Perfect Timing

Many people including myself said, "This vacation is perfect timing." I even wrote about it. Then, when I got there, when I was finally in the room with a view of the beach, I wanted to go home. Lying on my side facing Matt the first night I admitted, "I'm homesick." I didn't know where the feeling came from, or why, but I felt it and I let myself feel it. Sure I made some excuses, it was a long flight, our room wasn't ready until 4 hours after we got here, the room isn't as cushy as I'd hoped, the food is expensive. I was in a place where there were no expectations, no plans, nowhere I had to be, nothing I had to do that could distract me and the feelings continued to flow through me, I wanted to run from it, back to a City of constant movement and get started on "other" things.

The feeling remained as I tried to cover it up with focusing on my current environment and what I could do there. But it was to no avail, I had to feel the homesickness, the sadness, the loss, the anxiety, I had to let myself explore those emotions and not need to run to where I felt most comfortable. So I did, and it helped. It's okay to be on vacation in a beautiful resort, I could still be sad and want to go home, I didn't have to want to be there. And, in some ways it helped to be there. I couldn't run away from the emotions, I couldn't escape the fact that the last year of my life was intense, insane, filled with change and upheaval.

I realized that I'd gotten wrapped up in continuing to "be okay", to move on with life, to move quickly and effortless because I was good at it. At first it felt scary and confusing to be filled with sadness multiple days in a row, like I was supposed to be "over it". And then I realized this was how I felt last year, I was a wreck, sad, scared, anxious. I don't even remember most of last summer- I was in a fog. It was completely natural and normal for my body to be returning to that cloudy place of emotion. It didn't matter that I was highly functional and had just moved, unpacked, found a job and settled in just over a month, I had to let the sadness flow through me. Besides, I had nothing else to do.

So, although upon first arrival I felt as if the vacation was not so perfect timing, in the end it was. I couldn't find ways to ignore what I was feeling, and therefore I was able to process and heal more fully, which is really what vacation is about, right? Giving your body the time and energy to recharge, recuperate, relax and most importantly for me have the space for needed release.

Now

Moving to NYC to do list and status:

Unpack: Done

Buy stuff: Done, only need Blinds for bedroom

Decorate: Done

Hang Pictures: Done

Open new Bank Account: Done

Open Joint Bank Account: TBD (to be done)

Explore Neighborhood: TBD

Find Favorites (restaurants, nail salons, hair place, pharmacy, etc): TBD

See old Friends: TBD (starts Friday with Abby!)

Have Visitors: TBD (First one is Jaimie this weekend!)

Find Job: TBD (had a couple of interviews though...)

Visit out of state and then come back and have this feel like home: TBD

My first week here I slept like a rock, I'd be manically unpacking and shopping during the day and then pass out at night, no thoughts to stir me awake, nothing to keep me up and anxious.

Into the second week I started to have restless nights, I'd lay down to sleep and just toss and turn and think about all the things to do, what we still had to buy, how much money had been spent, how fast April was going to fly by and would I find a job, that my Dad was dead. One night I wanted to get up, my typical sleeplessness activity, surf MySpace and write a blog full of emotion and darker thoughts and angst. But I didn't, it wasn't as easy. I had Matt sleeping next to me and I didn't want to wake him and have him worry, I would have to patter down a hall and into the living room, the computer wasn't on a desk at the foot of my bed anymore. So instead I sat up in bed, I let the thoughts swirl through my head, I almost wrote a full "blog" in my head, but I just sat, I let it work itself through without taking action. It helped, I lay back down minutes later and probably went to sleep soon after that.

Things are different here, its not the same life, I really am living this one though, sure having no job makes it different makes it seem vacation like, but many things are still the same and I'm adjusting to how they fit differently into this new chapter of life. I'm living in each moment, doing what I want in those moments, whether it be waking up depressed and just wanting to stare out the window, or waking up energized and wanting to get shit done. I'm doing what my body and mind want, taking the energy and using it in the moment. Right now I don't really have anything big to pin my thoughts out to look forward to, literally look forward to, I have these moments, this time to live in fully and enjoy and I'm making it work. No more in between times, no more just wait till we get to this date. I'm here, this is now.

Swirling

I drive a little and then stop, taking the time to turn my head and look at the skyline to my left. The Empire State building stands out most for me, but I take it all in. Turning my eyes back to the traffic crossing the Whitestone Bridge to the tolls ahead. The sun bouncing off of cars around me, the snow shining icy in the light, the water, the cars, the skyline all swirling into my thoughts. The weekend. Seeing us sitting at dinner, seeing us walking out of apartments, already in agreement about what we'd seen, what we liked, what we didn't like. The traffic hardly even a bother as I sift through the thoughts.

I used to think, in the early parts of our relationship, will we really be able to keep finding things to talk about? Obviously we did, but it always baffled me. We always have/had something to talk about, we always keep each other entertained. I see us at dinner, sharing fondue, dipping pieces of food into a boiling pot and letting it cook, chatting as we wait, I don't even remember what about. Sharing sushi, talking about what we'll learn about each other when we live together, taken from Sex and the City- our secret single behaviors, and there isn't much we don't already know. How do we do it?

I think about moving, about what I'll bring, what I won't, packing up. I think about what I want the place to look like, what I've already fantasized it looking like in my head and trying to remind myself it won't be as good, maybe close. I inch further, realizing the back up is cars waiting to pay cash. Cash? Who pays cash at tolls anymore? I finally zip through and watch as the light changes, as the road changes from wide to the small tight compactness of the Merritt. The trees surrounding it bare and cold, the light sifting through them as it sets around my drive home.

Death Cab plays as my soundtrack, taking my thoughts to Dad, to death, to everything I've experienced and lived through, I'm sad, but then Mom calls and I'm not, I'm happy.

A friend at work told me about a time she was having a Reiki treatment done. She lay on the table, her mind blank except for this swirling image. After her treatment, she was speaking with the woman who'd done it and told her about the swirling image. The woman who had done her Reiki explained that she had seen the swirling, that her body had been giving that image off.

I wonder if mine is now.

Crocuses

Spring is a time for change, rebirth, and renewal. It’s quite lovely. I love walking to Davis Sq. and seeing all the crocuses starting to bloom. The green stems pushing through the now warming soil, a sign of all the green that will follow and I'm green with envy. I love spring, I love all it represents. But... I don't feel any change coming. I don't feel any kind of rejuvenation; nothing is blossoming inside of me. I'm here, I'm happy, I've got good things going on... and yet nothing big is coming this season and I wish it were. Outside of the Pine St. Inn this morning, I saw a homeless man holding up a small red mirror for a homeless woman who was applying make up. I think she saw something big coming, was getting ready for the spring blossoming in her. I guess seeing that, sharing in that will tide me over for now.