Wednesday, December 31

Melding Morning

This morning as I slowly started waking up, two dreams melded together. The first one was very weird and I'm not going to go in to the whole thing, but a piece of it involved a man trying to poison himself with a plant, and then trying to hang himself unsuccessfully. I couldn't stand it anymore so I called 911. The second dream was about being invited to a party, or maybe it was a wedding on St. Patrick's day and there was something about matching shoes. I was walking around a store and grumbling to myself about the guy from the first dream when he became Matt and then it was Matt who was in the hospital possibly dying from poison and self strangulation. Then I got upset. Then old ladies kept pushing by me as I was trying on sale shoes for the party. Then I saw a kitten and thought, oh if I pet that kitten I'll feel so much better.
I woke myself up after that, crawled across the bed in to Matt's arms and felt better.
Even now that I'm awake, I'm remembering it. It is fun when that happens with funny, odd, interesting dreams. It isn't so much fun when it happens with dreams you are trying to stop as you are dreaming them. I'm not even going to try and explain these dreams, or give them so other meaning.

On a lighter note. I'm up early to finish packing and head North to NH. I'm so happy to be out of the City for New Years and to be with my family, just us. Happy New Year's Eve!

Tuesday, December 30


I feel the brick in my chest. The loss is filling me again. 2 plus years and the hole doesn't feel as big day to day. It has been awhile since I've felt it this large, this looming.
Maybe it is the time of year, birthdays a day apart and all the holiday family time, maybe it is just having sent an email to a friend who's Mother died 3 weeks ago, maybe there is no explanation.
Another birthday, another year, many many more things that go unshared, untold, unexperienced together.
I want the little things back, like sharing new music, discovering new artists together.
I want the big things back, like having him walk me down the aisle and dance me away at my wedding.

Saturday, December 27

The Holiday Season

On the ride home from Connecticut tonight Matt commented that it is kind of nice that over a 4 day period we will have basically gotten to see all of our family. It does feel nice this time of year to be able to spend holiday time with all the families, we don't feel pushed or pulled in one direction and there has been no drama. Most of the Jewish holidays that both our families celebrate are split over several days which allows us to find mutually agreeable times to spend together. Last year Passover in both families was on the same night, and I hadn't seen my Dad's family in a long time and felt I had to go, Matt's family was celebrating it for the first time and he had to go. We split up, it felt like the right thing to do and worked for us. After the celebrations, later in the week, a message was passed on that I wasn't spending enough time with the family. I was shocked, and hurt and annoyed. I've moved past it so I don't want to get in to all the nitty gritty again, but it serves as a good balance of what this holiday season as been like.
Christmas was spent with my Mom's family, Channukah tonight with my Dad's and tomorrow with Matt's Mom's. Lovely. It feels like a lot, because two of the celebrations involve us driving, but it is worth it and what you do this time of year.
On Christmas we ate good cheese, drank champagne and feasted on Salmon. Tonight we ate fried latkes, feasted on desserts and drank seltzer. Tomorrow we'll eat pirogi feast on blintzes and drink, probably water. Yum.

Saturday, December 20

Saturday Night Thoughts

Oh hey there.

I think I did a pretty darn good job of keeping the updates flowing whilst being unemployed. Well, now that I'm employed (woohoo!) the posting has slowed down.
I don't really have much to write about now, so I'll break it down in bullets.

Work is good, nothing I can really jump right in to, which means I won't be really able to offer a solid thought/opinion until a few months in.

Adjusting to the job was difficult in the first 2 days, but I'm in and committed and ready to take it on despite it maybe not being all I had hoped to find.

The Holiday season really snuck up on me this year. I think being out of work for 4 months made time do an odd warpish thing where in many ways it still feels like August for me, and that time hasn't moved at all. Then, looking back it is like time has completely flown. Usually I am super prepared and pumped up for the holidays (I love giving gifts). This year I made a lot of my gifts in November, but then didn't do any real shopping, or at least it didn't really feel like it. However, I still have everything I need, and yet it doesn't feel like I've done anything to prepare at all. Weird.

I love Channukah, and I'm so happy to light the menorah each night. I love the candle light and singing the blessings.

This might be TMI, but oh well. I've gotten off my normal "schedule" which left me a little backed up and bloated at the end of the week. So last night I took a laxative hoping it would help get me back on track. Yuck. I was up for an hour in the early morning, and then had awful cramping all morning. I felt like I had a stomach bug, although I did feel all cleared up. Come on, everybody poops! No more laxatives for me though. On an interesting note, when I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning I had lost a pound. Ha.

Tonight Matt and I went out to buy cupcakes and when we walked outside there was this soft light snow falling. It felt so nice to walk through the streets with him, arm in arm, with the snow falling around us. I love being married and sharing special moments like that with him. As I put on my gear to head out in the cold Matt looked at me with this cute expression and said, "Cutes mah boot" An old little pet thing we used to do, as we got outside I remembered what the responsive part had been and called out, "Sweets me beet! I love remembering the little things we use to say, which were usually on the phone since that's where we shared much of our long distance time.

Okay, off to drink my yogi tea (which told me "Where there is love, there is no question" so true.) and relax on the couch, I'm such a party girl. Ha!

Saturday, December 13

Packing it in

Of course the weekend before I start my new job (yay!) I have one of the busiest we've had in a while!

Today I packed in a 4 mile road race, weight watchers meeting, trip to LI, helped Kate setting up her jewelery for a sale tomorrow, did a little Christmas shopping and now at 9pm will have dinner and relax. Except instead of relaxing I'll probably buzz around doing more holiday present stuff

Tomorrow we have Matt's Birthday dinner which usually drags on, but I can't complain since the food is good and I also want to work out, get a mani/pedi, get a hair cut and prepare for Day 1 of the new gig.


I kind of like it though :)

Wednesday, December 10

And then there was 1

Every morning between 9:30 and 10:00 I hear our neighbor open his door, step outside, shut the door and then lock it up. Clearly he is going to work. Every morning I sit inside in my pajamas, either on the couch or at my computer and I think, I wish that were me.
This week started Matt's 3 month Temp gig. It got me thinking more about returning to work, what that will really feel like. It is easy to hear the sounds of it occurring, to even see it when I've been out of the apartment early, and think I want it.
Yesterday, for the first time since the wedding, I had the apartment to myself for the day. I was both lazy and productive. I went grocery shopping, I cleaned the apartment and I read and watched TV with a bowl of popcorn. It was kind of fantastic. It was almost like I was getting to enjoy this freedom (that comes with a big cost) with a fresh perspective. It almost made me think that going back to work is going to be damn hard. Almost.
When I start to think about waking up earlier, making my way to the same place daily and being productive for 8+ hours five days a week a small part of me thinks, ugh back to the grind. An even bigger part of me thinks, "yes please". I know that once back in the work force I can look back on this time and appreciate it with a new lens, I can have vacations again and not feel guilty, I can have sick days and days off and relish in laying on the couch all day. I'm ready for the shifted perspective. Even if my empty apartment is giving me limitless possibilities of how to spend my day, and it feels kind of nice.

Saturday, December 6

If I may...

A word or two about weight loss and getting in shape. Now that we are getting in to the Holiday season, the season that ends with a "new year" and resolutions, I'm seeing even more weight loss drug commercials. There was a time in my life when I would try those drug options, because I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know how else to manage my body image expectations and get myself to a place where I was comfortable with my body.
I'm at a point now where I know how to get myself to that place, I've been in that place, and I'd like to share how I got there for those readers who are feeling the strain of holiday eating habits that form and are thinking of their resolutions for the New Year.

Weight Watchers: This program works. Weight Watchers teaches you (if you are willing to learn) how to change your eating habits and then maintain new healthy eating habits. If you have a great leader and really follow the plan (which means attending weekly meetings) this program works and sticks with you. For me one of the biggest changes was portion control. The first time I did Weight Watchers I had a leader who didn't really lead and teach us everything and so it didn't really work for me and I feel off the wagon. When I went back in March I had a leader who taught the program correctly and it made such a difference.

Cross Training: Obviously you have to burn more calories than you take in, and for healthy weight loss you can maintain, that means working out not crash dieting. A key thing I've discovered through Tri-training is what a huge difference cross training workouts have. Your body gets used to exercise if you do the same one all the time. If you are changing the type of work out each day, and slowly increasing your time and intensity over many weeks you'll see dramatic results. The key with this is making sure you have a variety of work outs throughout the week, so a hard day, a day off, a stability day (stay at one intensity level the whole work out), longer workouts, intervals, etc.

Heart Rate Training: If you are really serious about using exercise to its fullest for weight loss a heart rate monitor makes all the difference. Using a heart rate monitor ensures you are paying attention to how you are working out. I won't go on too much about these, because I am no expert and you really should either talk to one, or read one to get more info. I know that heart rate training combined with cross training changed my metabolism and allowed me to get to a happy body weight.

Partnering: You can't do it alone. That is why attending Weight Watchers meetings works. I think exercising with a partner, or partners, also makes a huge difference. For me, I have a great husband who went from no exercising to running a 1/2 marathon with me because I wanted a partner to train with. If you don't have a friend or a family member, try a exercise club, or even Team in Training to get yourself out there.

Water: It really is the "beauty beverage" as my spin instructor says. If you are going to be getting healthier, you need water to do it. Don't discount it's benefits. Go out, buy yourself a cute water bottle for home and work and get your drink on.

Treat Injuries: If you are starting from zero you are probably going to run in to some minor injuries. If you are a feeling a pull or a strain treat it, don't ignore it. The worst thing you can do is ignore it and let it become something that will stop you in your tracks. For most injuries use RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation). Investigating symptoms online can usually lead you to an answer for many minor things. Don't let a pull or a strain stop you in your tracks.

So there's my list, I hope it helps. I'm usually tracking my training on my tumblr blog: if you want to hear more about what I'm doing in my exercise regime.

Wednesday, December 3

It's December?

I just realized I haven't changed my calendar yet. Not that it is so crazy because it is only the 3rd day of December and I wasn't back in the apartment until Monday evening, but I'm one of those people who changes calendars the first day of the month, and updates them with any plans, meetings, etc immediately.
This week I'm feeling off. My head is pounding most of the time, my stomach is upset and I can't seem to get myself to the gym. I told myself yesterday that it was okay to just rest and let myself do what my body was telling me to do, take a nap at 4:30 and skip spinning. But today, I should have felt back and ready to go. I should have run, I should have done more research about Start Ups and cooked a nice dinner. Instead I went to the movies at 12:15 and then watched TV until falling asleep and then going out to dinner. Is letting myself sit still so much making me feel so off? I'm not a girl who sits still easily.
Hopefully 2 days of feeling off, and not liking it, will leave me feeling on tomorrow. I do know that I'm going to include an Advil Cold & Sinus with my morning routine, maybe OTCs will have to do to get me back in the G.A.M.E.