I have this issue that I am compelled to write about now since I'm presently dealing with it. I can't fall asleep unless Matt is home. And lately, now that we are on similar schedules it is hard for me to fall asleep without him in bed. I guess it makes sense, when we weren't living together I had trouble falling asleep without talking to him before I went to bed. I am a very independent woman, I think Matt and I have the appropriate and healthy level of co-dependency. We are married, after all. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that we want to spend as much time together as possible. Yet, sometimes it troubles me that I have this issue.
Tonight, for example, I intended to go to bed early, and all signs were pointing to this happening. I got in bed at 10:15 with my book and read for about 35 minutes. I felt sleepy so I turned off the light and tucked myself in. Then my mind starts racing, and I start listening for the door. Then I heard something fall and I thought, oh good he's home and he's just knocked something over. So, of course still being awake I got up. And, lo and behold he's not home and something just fell on its own. So now, I'm really up and I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep without him getting home. It is a mix of the comfort of him being in the bed with me and anxiety at his not being home and thus me not knowing he is safe.
I guess my being troubled comes from the place of it being inconvenient for me, among these other things. I wanted to get up early tomorrow and work out, and now when my alarm goes off at 5:45 it is less likely I will respond to it.
But as I think this through I have to remember how lucky I am to have a man I want next to me, to have someone to worry about and listen for at night, and most importantly who wants to be next to me each and every night for the rest of our lives. Speaking of which, he just got home. Goodnight!
So a week or so ago brookem over at Skrinkering Hearts had a fun post. She had been assigned the letter S and had to list 10 things she loved that start with S. She offered to provide letters so her readers could do the same and I got a K. If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.
So here we go, 10 things I love, or like a lot or just like that begin with the letter K (it is harder than you think!)
1. Kiehl's: I haven't met a Kiehl's product I didn't love. I use their shampoo, their cuticle cream, their lotion, their lip balm and got Matt using their aftershave lotion. If I had more money to throw around, or any money, I would buy more Kiehl's products. For now, I'll stick to just the shampoo and cuticle cream and try to find cheaper options for the rest.
2. Knitting: I don't do it often, but when I do I always enjoy it and find myself feeling less stress and much more calm. I've been working on the same scarf for years, literally, so it really isn't something I do a lot, mostly because I often forget I have knitting I could do.
3. Special K with Red Berries: This is probably one of my favorite cereals. Love those tart dried red berries!
4. Kleenex: I know, this is a weird one. Seriously though, I love kleenex. I'm a big nose blower (which is funny since my Mom claims I didn't know how to blow my nose for a very long time). I have to have a clean and clear nose at all times or I feel weird. I always carry a small pack of kleenex in my purse, and I need a box in the bedroom and the living room.
5. Koalas: The animal I look like is a koala, so I have to like them. They are pretty darn cute, but not as cute as my number 6, and they can be mean little buggers. I kind of like that though.
6. Kittens: I'm a cat person and kittens will get me every time, the cuteness nearly kills me. I thing one of the things I have, am still having, the most difficulty adjusting to is that Matt is really allergic to cats and I'll never be able to have them.
7. Kisses: The Hershey kind and the real kind. Who doesn't love a good kiss? When Matt and I were first together everytime I kissed him I felt a little wave of excitement run through me. That's one of the ways I knew he was the one.
8. Kelly Clarkson: This girl can sing and she knows how to turn out the hits too. Who doesn't love belting out to "Since You've Been Gone"? And her new single, just as good if not better.
9. Kong, Donkey Kong: Probably my favorite Nintendo game. Playing and beating the Super Nintendo Donkey Kong downloaded to the Wii got me through unemployment.
10. Knives: Getting good kitchen knives from our registry was one of the things I was most excited for. It is so nice to have a sharp, good knife to prepare food. Seriously. So nice. In addition, another K from our registry that I love is our Kitchen Aid Mixer!
Well there you have it! That was hard, K is not an easy letter! Also, tonight I updated all 3 of my blogs! Go me! Tri Training Blog Cooking Blog
So I'm in NH today to attend an awards ceremony where my Mom is one of 6 women to receive an Outstanding Business Woman of the Year award, very exciting. Matt and I drove up last night after work, boy it is a lot easier driving North on a Tuesday night, there was no traffic. This morning I woke up early to surprise my Mom, it was great. So today is a personal day for me. Before I left yesterday I told my boss I'd check my email once or twice and she said, "No! Take the day." So I'm taking the day. I read the paper this morning, well really I read Sunday's comics and did the world jumble. Then I ate some hearty oatmeal and went out for a lovely ski. Pictures and Video to follow tomorrow. It is a beautiful winter day in NH. While I'm sad I didn't get to enjoy the snow covered City last night, I'm not missing slushing around in the remains today. I think I'll have a cup of tea and keep enjoying my day.
Well, I don't have a blog really formed to write. I usually have something in my head when I sign in to blogger to post. But I was already logged out of my new email address so I figured it was easier to just log in to Blogger and post something. So, I'll take the easy way out and run off my thoughts list style. I love me some listing!
- I'm thinking more and more about moving this blog to wordpress, things are so much nicer over there, but the hassle of moving the blog would be a lot and I don't know if I can just pick up and leave all these posts behind...I've gone through a lot on this old blogger platform.
- Work is still crazy, although today wasn't as bad, thank God- I really tried hard to not let it be.
- I kicked ass in the 4 mile race I did on Sunday, and I'm so pumped about it because I had a stomach flu last week and didn't work out all week! However, after the race I cooked for a couple of hours, reorganized and cleaned our bedroom for our new dresser and then walked around a bunch and now my legs are tired!
- Speaking of our new dresser, I'm so pumped about it. We got this one from Ikea (splurged for the real wood!) and I'm so happy with it, it is so much more space, like I can't believe how much more space and the really great thing is I don't even want to go buy more clothes to fill the space, and I actually am getting rid of multiple pairs of shoes. It feels so good! (Truthfully for me getting rid of things always feels good, it is just that I usually quickly replace the things with new items). In addition, I went to Anthropologie today and bought new knobs for the dresser that were a steal on sale and look great, much better than the handles it came with. It really is making me feel better and better about staying here another year.
- I can't believe how warm it was these past two days, it makes me yearn so much for Spring. Tease.
- I just found out a friend is pregnant with her 3 child and I'm so darn excited for her, and for myself to get to watch her go through the pregnancy and then get to experience, for the 2nd time, watching her raise him or her. It has been such a pleasure getting to see it happen with her youngest.
Okay, that's about it for now. I have a post forming of my 10 favorite things that begin with K- thanks to Brooke S at Shrinkering Hearts so be on the look out!
This week has been crazy, crazy, crazy. So many things going on at work all of a sudden. I went through my days with Matt as we ran the East Side Drive of Central Park this evening, yay for warmish winter evenings. When I finally finished at about mile 1.8 I asked what he thought. I think some of his huffing and puffing was thinking about all I had done today. He agreed that it is crazy the amount of stuff I have to do in a day, and not just that but do at once. I was on a training call for 1.5 hours today with the line muted. This meant I could be returning emails, answering employee questions as they popped in and answering my temps questions as she did things for me. And, it wasn't that I was ignoring the training to get this done, I took the training in completely and actually am excited to get to utilize what I learned. It is like I'm a professional mini fire fighter, or maybe more like a professional whack a mole player, not like your basic every day Joe or Jane who gets the high score at the arcade, I mean pro level, tournament winning, money making, endorsement grabbing whack a moler. Whacking moles, left and right, hitting them before they even think to pop up. It is true, I try to be very proactive in my work. In any event- so that's what I do everyday. And just for kicks- here's a couple of pictures Libby snapped at one of our pre-wedding festivities this summer of me playing a came similar to Whack a Mole- just for the sack of furthering the metaphor.
It was quiet in the house the evening. I stood on the heating grate and let the warm air fill up the legs of my pants. I looked around the darkening kitchen and almost said out loud, "You would have liked this, the house being so quiet."
I just put on a big cozy sweatshirt. I love that feeling. You put it over your head and instantly you are warmer, more comfortable, even happier. I'm feeling off. This morning my stomach was a mess, I ate some oatmeal and felt a little better. Then my face started burning up, I was getting flush over and over again. If I had had a thermometer I would have taken my temperature. I left at lunch time and came home to a warm bed with Matt already in it, his stomach feeling off too. But there was more, is that a cold I feel coming? It is like old times, we decided, us being home together during a work day. I stirred an hour in, at 3:30ish (I'm guessing) and the sky was still light, so I decided I could sleep for longer, finally getting up at 5:00. If I can fall asleep easily tonight we'll know that my body really is fighting something. My stomach still feels off, and I'm trying to kick a head cold out with airborne and it tastes disgusting which doesn't help my stomach. I'm boiling water for pasta, my cure when my belly aches. I'll make some tea and then feel really cozy. The Winter aches and pains. It really does feel like Winter out there now.
Tonight I came home and sulked. I was all of a sudden worn out by how fast the day went and did not want to go to they late spin class which meant late dinner and late relaxation time (now there is only 45 minutes left until my 10:00 show which means just before bedtime show).
I stood in the living room with my shoulders all droopy and moped. Matt was already in his comfy clothes and I just wanted to curl up next to him. He got up and gave me a hug and encouraged me to go, well done Husband of mine. So I went out in to the cold rain and headed to class. Spin, Spin, Spin She finished 5 minutes early- and I was so close to calling her on it! I schlepped all the way there for a shortened class!? At least I got there, right? And, we just had breakfast for dinner, which I thoroughly enjoy.
Tonight is a night that I wish we had a TV in the bedroom, because I would brush my teeth and get right in and fall asleep watching it. It makes me miss my room on Charnwood Rd. I loved being cozy in my big bed in my big room watching TV at night. Although sometimes the TV would stay on way too late in to the night and I would end up watching shows like the 1/2 Ton woman or something else ridiculous on TLC. Really, The Learning Channel? More like the who can we exploit for entertainment channel.(WCWEFEC) Anyway, Matt can't sleep with it on so that would save me there. Someday...
January: I picked out my wedding dress, which is telling to what the focus of my year was. It was an overwhelming experience for me mostly because it was another step which meant I was getting married without my Dad. I had to watch the Patriots lose their undeafted season to the Giants, with all Giant's fans.
February: This was a good month, I dove in to wedding planning, I felt really happy in all aspects of my life. The year was looking up.
March: I started Weight Watchers and Triathlon Training, another major focus for my year. Matt’s parents get a new puppy, a fun place to put some focus and energy. I picked up the memoir again and got through a chunk of it and then put it back down again.
Apri: Wedding things started to be finalized. As Spring came to the City, I spent more and more time in the park, running, walking around, taking pictures. The pope was in town and we saw him drive by. I also started the path to accepting the new man in Mom’s life.
May: Did my first Triathlon, mini, on Mother’s Day. It was the 2nd year anniversary. Took a family trip to California with Mom and Sam, had a fantastic trip. Kate and Helena both got engaged on Memorial Day! I meet and start getting to know David.
June: The year starts to shift, A big project starts at work, I get asked to work with the VP and a Asst. Director on it, very top secret, I think fantastic I’m moving up in the world! Running more and more outside with Matt including at night since the days were heating up so much. It felt like summer and like I was getting married soon. Kate and Eric move back to NY, Kate throws me a fantastic Bridal Shower.
July: The highs and lows begin. Matt finishes law school, sadly his Grandfather passes away. Wedding finalization really ramps up as work gets more stressful and scary and my future is unclear.
August: They continue in August. I complete my first "real" Triathlon and love it. I'm laid off. The month ends with the best wedding EVER.
September: The month started in Hawaii, what a way to start the fall and our unemployment. The High Holidays return again bringing reflection and the emotions of the "holiday season" without Dad. Matt and I adjust to our time together during unemployment and begin our 1/2 Marathon training.
October: The month was filled with a lot of running which helped with the unemployment eating. We spent time with our unemployed friends doing fun activities. Lots of applying for jobs and not a lot of interviews.
November: Matt and I complete our first ½ Marathon! Matt's friend Emily and Jared get married. Unemployment was really getting to us, restlessness, unease and anxiety filled November. It was the first year I wasn't with my family for Thanksgiving.
December: Even with the anxiety over the economy, December is ending with the same sense of hopefulness for the future that I had last year during the winter. Matt and I are both working, we are more happier and in love than ever and our families are happy and healthy. What more could we ask for?
Here's to what I think will be a fantastic 2009, for everyone.
This morning as I slowly started waking up, two dreams melded together. The first one was very weird and I'm not going to go in to the whole thing, but a piece of it involved a man trying to poison himself with a plant, and then trying to hang himself unsuccessfully. I couldn't stand it anymore so I called 911. The second dream was about being invited to a party, or maybe it was a wedding on St. Patrick's day and there was something about matching shoes. I was walking around a store and grumbling to myself about the guy from the first dream when he became Matt and then it was Matt who was in the hospital possibly dying from poison and self strangulation. Then I got upset. Then old ladies kept pushing by me as I was trying on sale shoes for the party. Then I saw a kitten and thought, oh if I pet that kitten I'll feel so much better. I woke myself up after that, crawled across the bed in to Matt's arms and felt better. Weird. Even now that I'm awake, I'm remembering it. It is fun when that happens with funny, odd, interesting dreams. It isn't so much fun when it happens with dreams you are trying to stop as you are dreaming them. I'm not even going to try and explain these dreams, or give them so other meaning.
On a lighter note. I'm up early to finish packing and head North to NH. I'm so happy to be out of the City for New Years and to be with my family, just us. Happy New Year's Eve!
I feel the brick in my chest. The loss is filling me again. 2 plus years and the hole doesn't feel as big day to day. It has been awhile since I've felt it this large, this looming. Maybe it is the time of year, birthdays a day apart and all the holiday family time, maybe it is just having sent an email to a friend who's Mother died 3 weeks ago, maybe there is no explanation. Another birthday, another year, many many more things that go unshared, untold, unexperienced together. I want the little things back, like sharing new music, discovering new artists together. I want the big things back, like having him walk me down the aisle and dance me away at my wedding.
On the ride home from Connecticut tonight Matt commented that it is kind of nice that over a 4 day period we will have basically gotten to see all of our family. It does feel nice this time of year to be able to spend holiday time with all the families, we don't feel pushed or pulled in one direction and there has been no drama. Most of the Jewish holidays that both our families celebrate are split over several days which allows us to find mutually agreeable times to spend together. Last year Passover in both families was on the same night, and I hadn't seen my Dad's family in a long time and felt I had to go, Matt's family was celebrating it for the first time and he had to go. We split up, it felt like the right thing to do and worked for us. After the celebrations, later in the week, a message was passed on that I wasn't spending enough time with the family. I was shocked, and hurt and annoyed. I've moved past it so I don't want to get in to all the nitty gritty again, but it serves as a good balance of what this holiday season as been like. Christmas was spent with my Mom's family, Channukah tonight with my Dad's and tomorrow with Matt's Mom's. Lovely. It feels like a lot, because two of the celebrations involve us driving, but it is worth it and what you do this time of year. On Christmas we ate good cheese, drank champagne and feasted on Salmon. Tonight we ate fried latkes, feasted on desserts and drank seltzer. Tomorrow we'll eat pirogi feast on blintzes and drink, probably water. Yum.
I think I did a pretty darn good job of keeping the updates flowing whilst being unemployed. Well, now that I'm employed (woohoo!) the posting has slowed down. I don't really have much to write about now, so I'll break it down in bullets.
Work is good, nothing I can really jump right in to, which means I won't be really able to offer a solid thought/opinion until a few months in.
Adjusting to the job was difficult in the first 2 days, but I'm in and committed and ready to take it on despite it maybe not being all I had hoped to find.
The Holiday season really snuck up on me this year. I think being out of work for 4 months made time do an odd warpish thing where in many ways it still feels like August for me, and that time hasn't moved at all. Then, looking back it is like time has completely flown. Usually I am super prepared and pumped up for the holidays (I love giving gifts). This year I made a lot of my gifts in November, but then didn't do any real shopping, or at least it didn't really feel like it. However, I still have everything I need, and yet it doesn't feel like I've done anything to prepare at all. Weird.
I love Channukah, and I'm so happy to light the menorah each night. I love the candle light and singing the blessings.
This might be TMI, but oh well. I've gotten off my normal "schedule" which left me a little backed up and bloated at the end of the week. So last night I took a laxative hoping it would help get me back on track. Yuck. I was up for an hour in the early morning, and then had awful cramping all morning. I felt like I had a stomach bug, although I did feel all cleared up. Come on, everybody poops! No more laxatives for me though. On an interesting note, when I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning I had lost a pound. Ha.
Tonight Matt and I went out to buy cupcakes and when we walked outside there was this soft light snow falling. It felt so nice to walk through the streets with him, arm in arm, with the snow falling around us. I love being married and sharing special moments like that with him. As I put on my gear to head out in the cold Matt looked at me with this cute expression and said, "Cutes mah boot" An old little pet thing we used to do, as we got outside I remembered what the responsive part had been and called out, "Sweets me beet! I love remembering the little things we use to say, which were usually on the phone since that's where we shared much of our long distance time.
Okay, off to drink my yogi tea (which told me "Where there is love, there is no question" so true.) and relax on the couch, I'm such a party girl. Ha!
Of course the weekend before I start my new job (yay!) I have one of the busiest we've had in a while!
Today I packed in a 4 mile road race, weight watchers meeting, trip to LI, helped Kate setting up her jewelery for a sale tomorrow, did a little Christmas shopping and now at 9pm will have dinner and relax. Except instead of relaxing I'll probably buzz around doing more holiday present stuff
Tomorrow we have Matt's Birthday dinner which usually drags on, but I can't complain since the food is good and I also want to work out, get a mani/pedi, get a hair cut and prepare for Day 1 of the new gig.
Every morning between 9:30 and 10:00 I hear our neighbor open his door, step outside, shut the door and then lock it up. Clearly he is going to work. Every morning I sit inside in my pajamas, either on the couch or at my computer and I think, I wish that were me. This week started Matt's 3 month Temp gig. It got me thinking more about returning to work, what that will really feel like. It is easy to hear the sounds of it occurring, to even see it when I've been out of the apartment early, and think I want it. Yesterday, for the first time since the wedding, I had the apartment to myself for the day. I was both lazy and productive. I went grocery shopping, I cleaned the apartment and I read and watched TV with a bowl of popcorn. It was kind of fantastic. It was almost like I was getting to enjoy this freedom (that comes with a big cost) with a fresh perspective. It almost made me think that going back to work is going to be damn hard. Almost. When I start to think about waking up earlier, making my way to the same place daily and being productive for 8+ hours five days a week a small part of me thinks, ugh back to the grind. An even bigger part of me thinks, "yes please". I know that once back in the work force I can look back on this time and appreciate it with a new lens, I can have vacations again and not feel guilty, I can have sick days and days off and relish in laying on the couch all day. I'm ready for the shifted perspective. Even if my empty apartment is giving me limitless possibilities of how to spend my day, and it feels kind of nice.
A word or two about weight loss and getting in shape. Now that we are getting in to the Holiday season, the season that ends with a "new year" and resolutions, I'm seeing even more weight loss drug commercials. There was a time in my life when I would try those drug options, because I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know how else to manage my body image expectations and get myself to a place where I was comfortable with my body. I'm at a point now where I know how to get myself to that place, I've been in that place, and I'd like to share how I got there for those readers who are feeling the strain of holiday eating habits that form and are thinking of their resolutions for the New Year.
Weight Watchers: This program works. Weight Watchers teaches you (if you are willing to learn) how to change your eating habits and then maintain new healthy eating habits. If you have a great leader and really follow the plan (which means attending weekly meetings) this program works and sticks with you. For me one of the biggest changes was portion control. The first time I did Weight Watchers I had a leader who didn't really lead and teach us everything and so it didn't really work for me and I feel off the wagon. When I went back in March I had a leader who taught the program correctly and it made such a difference.
Cross Training: Obviously you have to burn more calories than you take in, and for healthy weight loss you can maintain, that means working out not crash dieting. A key thing I've discovered through Tri-training is what a huge difference cross training workouts have. Your body gets used to exercise if you do the same one all the time. If you are changing the type of work out each day, and slowly increasing your time and intensity over many weeks you'll see dramatic results. The key with this is making sure you have a variety of work outs throughout the week, so a hard day, a day off, a stability day (stay at one intensity level the whole work out), longer workouts, intervals, etc.
Heart Rate Training: If you are really serious about using exercise to its fullest for weight loss a heart rate monitor makes all the difference. Using a heart rate monitor ensures you are paying attention to how you are working out. I won't go on too much about these, because I am no expert and you really should either talk to one, or read one to get more info. I know that heart rate training combined with cross training changed my metabolism and allowed me to get to a happy body weight.
Partnering: You can't do it alone. That is why attending Weight Watchers meetings works. I think exercising with a partner, or partners, also makes a huge difference. For me, I have a great husband who went from no exercising to running a 1/2 marathon with me because I wanted a partner to train with. If you don't have a friend or a family member, try a exercise club, or even Team in Training to get yourself out there.
Water: It really is the "beauty beverage" as my spin instructor says. If you are going to be getting healthier, you need water to do it. Don't discount it's benefits. Go out, buy yourself a cute water bottle for home and work and get your drink on.
Treat Injuries: If you are starting from zero you are probably going to run in to some minor injuries. If you are a feeling a pull or a strain treat it, don't ignore it. The worst thing you can do is ignore it and let it become something that will stop you in your tracks. For most injuries use RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation). Investigating symptoms online can usually lead you to an answer for many minor things. Don't let a pull or a strain stop you in your tracks.
So there's my list, I hope it helps. I'm usually tracking my training on my tumblr blog: adriennewrites.tumblr.com if you want to hear more about what I'm doing in my exercise regime.
I just realized I haven't changed my calendar yet. Not that it is so crazy because it is only the 3rd day of December and I wasn't back in the apartment until Monday evening, but I'm one of those people who changes calendars the first day of the month, and updates them with any plans, meetings, etc immediately. This week I'm feeling off. My head is pounding most of the time, my stomach is upset and I can't seem to get myself to the gym. I told myself yesterday that it was okay to just rest and let myself do what my body was telling me to do, take a nap at 4:30 and skip spinning. But today, I should have felt back and ready to go. I should have run, I should have done more research about Start Ups and cooked a nice dinner. Instead I went to the movies at 12:15 and then watched TV until falling asleep and then going out to dinner. Is letting myself sit still so much making me feel so off? I'm not a girl who sits still easily. Hopefully 2 days of feeling off, and not liking it, will leave me feeling on tomorrow. I do know that I'm going to include an Advil Cold & Sinus with my morning routine, maybe OTCs will have to do to get me back in the G.A.M.E.
Today was a Thanksgiving that started a new tradition, the every other tradition. Prior to today it was a little difficult for me to handle. I wanted to be home, helping my Mom get ready, setting the table, decorating the table, baking a cake, making appetizers, canapes and mashed potatoes. But I let the day be what it was going to be, I went with the flow, I lived in the moment. Not surprisingly it was a lovely day. I had the morning to myself so I could work out, get my nails done and make an appetizer. I also got to spend the day with the lovely people who are part of my new family. I ate delicious food, drank some good wine and played with adorable kids. Now I get to go to NH, eat leftovers and see my whole family. All in all it is not such a bad deal. I guess it is the whole tradition of the thing I miss, the actually being there and being a part of creating the whole meal. To be honest, after the meal is served I am always a little bit disappointed that my fun is over. Sure I like eating, but for me its not as much fun as the prepping and the planning for the eating.
So enough blah blah. On to what I'm thankful for. Since I don't want to ramble I'll stick to 10 things about my 2008, in no particular order.
Getting married Obama being elected Blogging/Twittering/Facebook because they keep me occupied daily Wii Race Training and doing my first 1/2 marathon and triathlon My family & friends, always- because we keep evolving and growing together Crockpots and Stand Mixers and other kitchen gadgets Bravo Reality TV Exploring more of my neighborhood and surroundings G-Chat
Sunday night I realized that I'd misplaced a letter from the DOL about a mandatory appointment I had to show up for on Monday. I remembered it was at 2:30 and after doing some investigation I figured it was probably at the Harlem office. So- Monday after not getting anyone on the phone (no surprise there) I made my way up to 125th St. via the Bus.
Now this was only the 2nd time I'd taken the bus to get somewhere in Manhattan that I couldn't get to by train. The first time was so easy and the ride went very smoothly. This time was a little different. The way there was fine, very friendly drivers who said hello and goodbye when changing shifts. I got to the DOL and found out I had gone to the wrong office (50-50 chance, I should have none then my luck was turning). So I had to turn around and come back in the morning. The way back on the bus was a bit different. I sat down towards the front again and we were soon stopped by a young man who didn't have change for his dollar. One woman was quickly annoyed by this. She went on, and on, and on about how "you don't get on the bus if you don't have change." She added, "You can NOT get on the bus and ask for change, that is not allowed." And finished off with a long tirade about how the young man had walked all the way to the bus and didn't stop to get change. My fellow front of the bus passengers and I exchanged knowing smiles and hidden laughs. Then we ran in to trouble. We stopped at 99th and Lexington and the driver complained to a dispatcher that he hadn't been relieved. And then we sat. And sat. And sat. Finally another 101 pulled up and we all climbed on. Yikes. So today I headed out to catch another bus uptown. When we stopped this time for the driver switch the man got on with two basketballs. He slowly clamored around at the front of the bus and then held up a basketball and asked who wanted it. After a lot of confusion and several minutes a woman pushed her way up and grabbed the ball claiming, "You all were too slow it is mine" just as a young kid reached for it. The driver then told another woman who had shown interest that he would wait for her if she wanted to go out and get one at the park by the bus stop. I was flabbergasted. Seriously? Luckily I made it on time and got to sit through my riveting introduction to Workforce 1. After about 20 minutes of waiting I was called and got to sit and watch a woman input my information into a database. Thrilling. Thankfully I'll have no hold up in my benefits. Very thankfully since I got a call tonight letting me know that the position I was surely getting and had put everything else on hold for 3 weeks for wouldn't work out. This is the second time in this job hunt that a department wanted me and couldn't bring me on. This sucks. I should have known when I picked the wrong DOL location that my 50/50 luck wasn't working this week. Now on to Thanksgiving where I get to smile and shrug as relatives offer me condolences and advice. Remember that Friends where Joey has the turkey stuck on his head? I wouldn't mind if that were me this year. At least it would give people something other than our job hunts to talk about.
Waking up in a warm bed, dapples of sunlight spilling in on the edges of the shade Reaching out to touch the warm body in bed next to me, the Man I'm so happy to wake up next to every morning Stepping out in to the cold air to enjoy a lovely Saturday morning brunch Picking up our Saturday Times on the way home Cleaning up the bed, pulling up the shade, letting the warm sun in Catching up on news and events, listening in to the neighbor practicing electric guitar
Everyday could be a Saturday morning to me. But only today could feel like this.
I've been trying to blog daily, that clearly isn't happening. I think I put too much pressure on myself to really write something, and it doesn't have to be that, right?
My days are filled with a lot of nothing lately, which makes writing something even easier, and yet harder.
Here's a typical day:
9:00-9:30 wake up, check email, check google reader, check facebook, 10:00-11:00 watch Ellen, eat breakfast 11:00- TBD recheck reader, email and facebook a lot, talk to Jen on gchat, wish I had something to do, apply to jobs maybe twice a week since there are NONE 1:00 eat lunch 4/5/6- work out 7:00 make dinner (at least I'm cooking more now that I'm back at Weight Watchers and have time to do it) 8:00-11:00 watch TV
I think my brain is atrophying. Luckily Saturday and Sunday mornings are usually spent reading the Times.
I know most of you 9-5ers are reading this and thinking, that is my dream day! And it is my dream day too, just not after a good month and 1/2 doing it everyday. You don't miss your water...
I once had a hope that I'd have a job by November 1st. I'm just hoping I know about the job on my radar by December 1st.
Okay- to end this on a fun note. Here's what I'm watching and loving lately:
Ellen (seriously, she's funny!) House Hunters (always) Tim Gunn's Guide to Style (it makes me think more about what I wear) Top Chef (so fun that they are in NYC!) Gossip Girl (how could you not enjoy this guilty, guilty pleasure!) ABC Sunday Nights (They make for great watching on Monday mornings when I'm thinking, shit another week of nothing) And secretly, I feel really bad about this, but I'm loving the Pick Up Artist on VH-1. These geeky, awkward, shy, inexperienced, lost cause, men just pull at your heart strings.
My friend Leila over at Mainley Mama tagged me yesterday- so here is my response!
I need to tell you 6 random things about myself...
1. I'm really bad at remembering Birthday's, even my Mom's birthday. But there are some random ones I never forget it, including Leila's!
2. I'm pretty invested in The Pick Up Artist- I was so proud of them this week when they had to meet a girl and make out with her, and then all did it! I'm a little too proud of these dorks becoming pick up artists!
3. Now that I'm married, I can't kill bugs anymore- I always call Matt to do it.
4. I have a very green thumb, but I can't keep orchids alive.
5. My feet are always cold, except when I can't fall asleep and they get hot and itchy.
6. I'm really good at purging and cleaning, but there are some random things I will always hang on to, like my graduation tassels, my first 1/2 marathon finisher medal and a wood chip that Matt gave me with a special little message on it about 6 years ago.
I'm sleepy today. I slept fine, and got up when I usually do, but somehow without even being at work I'm feeling like I used to on Mondays. I wish I was laying here on a lazy day instead of on my couch watching Deal or no Deal, which just makes me feel like being even more lazy.
It is tough out there. The job postings are fewer and much further between. I'm not getting weekly calls from recruiters. I haven't been on an interview in a month. The company I was laid off from, just decreased the size again by 60 more people. Part of me is thankful I was in the first wave of people. I've had a leg up on the market, and I didn't have to be a part of a company that was continuing to circle the drain. I never had to have survivors guilt, I got to just leave and enjoy a lot of my time off. I am curious about the people who were let go with an interesting level of fascination. Part of me is happy they know what it feels like now. I want to know all the details because I still feel a piece of myself is involved, and because I want to be. Don't forget about us, the people who left 3 months ago! Another part of me feels really badly for them, and wants to give me them all the nitty gritty details of what its like and what to expect. It is like I'm the survivor now. Because I have survived, I will survive. Oy- I just heard the NFL pregame show hosts talk about a little boy diagnosed with Leukemia 2 weeks ago who was given 2 weeks to live and his dying wish was to feed the homeless so the Seattle Seahawks have gotten behind him to help. That certainly puts things in perspective.
Sorry, but I had to use the Gossip Girl reference for this post, I love it!
I just got off the phone with a psychologist. He gave me my test results for the personality and cognitive testing I did for a job. Most of what he told me wasn't a surprise, I know myself pretty well and thanks to good performance evaluation systems in my last two jobs I know my work self pretty well too.
What spoke to me most was that typically people in my age group have a below average interest in leadership and I have an average interest, something that will serve me well in my career goals. The Dr. used the example that he sees a lot of people my age put in leadership positions they have no interest in. I realized that it does happen more than it probably should and usually in the financial/banking sector. Kids right out of school jump in to specialized jobs and they keep getting bumped up the ladder because they work hard and do well, but then they get to be in leadership jobs at the age of 25 and really just want to be working and playing, not leading. Many of those "kids" are probably out of work now, and they will be lucky to find a job that will pay as much as they made as "leaders", although they'll probably end up finding themselves getting employed at the level they should be, and want to be, at. Nature really does have a way of working these things out.
It was good to hear that the skills I believe I have, and the work I've put in to developing and growing myself in my professional life shows up in testing. It encouraged me that I am a great candidate and whatever job I end up getting I'm going to rock at it and the company that hires me is going to high five and slap itself on the back for snagging me. It also really got me even more encouraged and ready to be working again. Talking about how I like to build work relationships, how I am insightful and a good coach, that I have leadership interest and aspirations and that my high energy levels allow me to work hard in active environments made me want to put it all back to good use again. It also speaks to the skills I'd like to put to use sometime outside of the job market. I have many dreams of starting my own business, in different areas, and all of the strengths we spoke about would serve me well there too. If it was a different economy and I lived in a different market I'd like to think I'd do it, bite the bullet and take the plunge, to overuse some cliches. Instead I'm just hoping that what the Dr. reports to my potential new employer will be enough for them to take the plunge and hire me.
I've been trying to post daily lately, and feel bad that the last few days have been lacking. A quick synopsis since I should go back to laying on the couch trying to get better but instead getting restless and doing things like cleaning the shower.
I've been eating a lot of cupcakes lately, it needs to stop I ran 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 3 minutes- and now I'm sore. It was a race, not a leisure run! I got sick basically immediately after finishing the race, guess my body wants me to slow down I love soup when I'm sick, and dipping bread in the soup- yum I need lunch. I have been taking a bunch of tests, personality and otherwise over the last 3 days for a potential job- they are HARD! I sit at the computer staring and thinking I'm stupid and what if I ruin my chances and thus psych myself out. Maybe that's why I'm bad at standardized tests. They are mostly personality based so hopefully it tells them that I will be a super star employee. I talk with a psychologists tomorrow about my results. I love cats, I do, and although I would never ever want one given what they do to my husband, I still am sad that I don't have one to cuddle up with in bed/on the couch right now. Seriously, as I was typing this Matt was hissing at the cat who sometimes is on our fire escape(We think he lives next door). I really want a job before thanksgiving.
I'm not a person who can sit still for very long, and I'm not someone who can just go and go and go without breaks. I'm also not someone who can just sleep a day away, I feel lazy and gross. I'm not someone who can ignore dirt, or mess or things that are out of order. I'm not going to pretend that any of that doesn't make me a little crazy.
I'm not a coffee drinker, I used to be, but I gave it up and it kind of feels good in a self righteous way. I'm not that in to soda, but sometimes I just need a good crisp sweet refreshing sip to get me through. I'm not a meat eater, most of the time. I'm not my best when I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. I'm not one of those freaks who doesn't like water- how could you not like water??
I'm not a lonely person, because I make sure to surround myself with people I care about, but it doesn't mean I don't get lonely. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but sometimes I still get anxious about new places and new people. I'm not a camp geek, but I attribute who I am today to going to camp.
I'm not hard to know, or hard to get to know or hard to be around (at least I don't think so..). I'm not someone who will hide herself or who she is. I'm not going to sugar coat things for you. I'm not who my friends go to when they don't want to hear the truth. I'm not the girl who has a million friends she kind of knows and keeps in touch with, that's too much work.
I'm not into scary movies, or period pieces (especially war movies). I'm not ashamed to say that mostly I like chick flicks and silly comedies. I'm not that proud of my intolerance for "good" movies, maybe I need to push myself a bit more on that front. I'm not going to deny that I watch a lot of TV, and honestly I'm not that ashamed of it. I'm not sure why I haven't spent more rainy afternoons in bed reading a good book, especially now that I have some time.
I'm not sure how to end this list, so I'll just stop here.
Thanks to brookem for this great blog idea- I hope she doesn't mind that I'm stealing it!
Standing in line today to vote I was reminded of voting in NH, where every time I voted I had to stand in line, it was always exciting, and today has been very exciting. After I pulled the big red lever I stood outside the booth waiting for Matt and was giddy. I got that feeling in my back of my throat that makes you want to jump up and yell excitedly. Instead I ate a cupcake. The day went by so slowly, all I wanted was to do what I'm doing now, sit on the couch watching CNN and getting more and more excited. I was anxious at the beginning, you never know what can happen until it does. Now I'm feeling optimistic and I am starting to take in what this will mean, on so many levels. Maybe part of me has been waiting for this election to come to feel like change is coming on large and small scales. The last week or so I've been quietly sitting back and waiting for things to happen in my life, sure I've been actively working to make things happen, but there is only so much I can do. Much like watching this election unfold, making sure I vote and urging others to do so but mostly waiting and watching to see what will happen. In the next few weeks our country is going to start to shift and change as we usher in a new, hopefully monumental, president. Here's hoping something similar happens in my life over the next few weeks, I want shifts, I want changes and I'll even take some that are monumental.
We went to our first wedding as a married couple today. I've found since getting back from the honeymoon that I want to do it all again, the planning, the preparing, the ceremony, the celebrations, everything. I had so much fun, got such a high from it all that it is hard to come down. Not having a job to occupy me during these past months has only intensified my wish to do it all again. So being at a wedding, the first since my own, left me comparing a lot. It was frustrating. The wedding was so different than our own that comparisons either left me feeling judgmental (Oh I'm so glad we didn't have that) or jealous (Wow, there are so many gorgeous flowers). When I finally convinced myself to stop doing it, I had fun dancing with my husband, ate some good food, and took in the wedding and celebration as a guest enjoying it. Am I jealous that they're going to Hawaii tomorrow? Hell yes. But I left remembering how great our wedding was for us, and that's what matters.
Much like last year we took the opportunity to see Ryan Adams on Halloween. Unlike last year he played in a venue with ticketed seats, a joy for me. He started the show with songs from his new album, many of them softer and slower, but sweet and easy to listen to. I found myself just zoning out in the music, perking up when I recognized a song, but generally letting myself get lost in the moments of playing through songs. I was thinking of other things, but not in an anxious run of brain way, just thoughtful. As the set came to a close and we headed for the bathrooms Matt and I both commented on how easy it was to just sit and listen to him. The second set was rocking, he played song after song with no breaks in between and really put everything he had into the songs. I perked up and focused on the words, the songs, their meanings. Leaving the venue I thought back to the year prior. I had a job, I was planning my wedding, and things were going the way I wanted. However, the concert made me miserable and I think in general I was unhappy in my own skin. This year, I don't have a job, the economy is in shambles which doesn't help me find a job, and I don't get to be planning my wedding anymore (sadly for me since I enjoyed it so much). However, despite that all I'm really happy, and the concert was great. Maybe it says something about being able to enjoy these moments when you are enjoying yourself. Or more simply it is because I didn't have to deal with annoying people being in my way of the show and having to be on my feet for 3 hours. Either way, it was a kick ass show.
So probably a year ago now I signed up for the Hassle Me service. I probably heard about through Daily Candy if I had to guess. I wasn't going to the gym as often as I wanted, I wasn't drinking as much water as I desired and I hoped to be writing more than I was. So- I signed up for a daily hassle to my work inbox telling me to drink more water and go to the gym. It actually worked pretty well, and then I started Triathalon training and Weight Watchers at Work and those both accomplished getting me to the gym and drinking more water. The "write more" hassle arrived in my personal inbox roughly every 6 days. At the beginning it motivated me to write, I'd leave it sitting in my gmail until I wrote, my anal nature around inbox emptiness helped. Soon though, I just started deleting them. I made up excuses as to why I couldn't meet the demands of the hassles. Mostly it was because I wanted to respond to it with was a day or afternoon of pouring time and energy into my writing. It wasn't realistic that I had enough free days or even afternoons to do that. So I just gave up on it, but didn't stop the hassle. Lately, I've had a lot more time and energy on my hands, and I'm still not writing. I know for the most part it is fear at the subject I want to write about. It is hard, and sometimes painful, to go back to the year after my Dad died and put the experiences on paper. I feel pretty empty and depleted after an afternoon of doing it, and with what I'm going through career wise I just don't know if I actually do have the energy for it. This coupled with the hasslebots (which is what they're called) arriving sometimes 3 times in a week (the sending them roughly every _ days gets a little back logged sometimes apparently) has left me feeling a little annoyed, somewhat guilty and thankfully more motivated. A few, no more like 8-9 months ago, I was writing a lot more on this blog and I saw my readership grow, it was really exciting. But, I being a blog reader know that if you don't update often you're going to lose the readers who aren't your friends and family. (Hi Mom). So, I want more readers who don't know me, just know my words. I want to write more, and not just because the hasslebots tell me to. I have time, I have energy and maybe by committing to write here more often I'll build up the endurance to open that word document that's staring at me from my desktop every morning.
I'm so ready for something else to be happening in my life. I know those people with busy jobs and lots of daily activities would probably happily trade places with me, but only for a moment I'm sure. Will I look back at all this time off and think, "wow wasn't that nice to have so much time to settle in to married life"? I probably will. But right now, in these moments- I'm bored out of mind most of the time. Lately my days have been filling up more, with lunches and running dates and such- all great. But it is at night that I find myself getting the most stir crazy. Usually I would just zone out in front of the TV, but it is hard when there are exciting sports on, especially hard when these exciting sports involve my team losing in big disappointing fashion and my husband taking pleasure in it.
Last night I had a nightmare that involved a lion, cheetah, tiger, and I think a zebra, running loose outside and inside of my Mom's house. There were lots of people around that were in danger. The cheetah while we were still outside, kept coming up to me and would have its mouth on my arm and I'd shake it off incurring no damage and get somewhere safe. Then we all moved inside and they were trapped in various parts of the house because of closed doors, but I knew those doors were old and could easily be pushed open by a small cat, never mind a very large one. At one point the cheetah got outside and ate Victoria Beckham's dog, she said something like, "Oh darn" in a posh British accent. I was nervous about Matt who was sleeping on top of an open air bus outside, but I didn't want to send anyone out there to get him for fear the now loose cheetah would get him/her too. I finally managed to just wake myself up and get my mind to go elsewhere. All day I've been trying to figure out what the dream meant. I think the animals came from our trip to the Zoo about a month ago, but what was with them being all over my space? They weren't truly attacking anyone, but I felt like they would at any moment. What are these animals doing running around inside my head for? It was clear that they are feeling trapped and out of place and wanted out. There is so much in me that needs to get out, and I think the only outlet for these large cats is productive work that just doesn't exist for me right now. Yikes. Too bad there wasn't a bear... lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
If I was working, I would relish these quite night moments and read a book, or find some internet hole to dive in to. I've done all that already though, I'm thoroughly relaxed and chilled out, as much as I can be given the situation, and now I want activity.
Hopefully on Monday I'll get the good news phone call and following it will be a busy week with lots of dates and activities and excitement to ride me through. For now, that's what I'll focus on to get me through the boredom.
The good news is I ran 6 miles in 54 minutes today. The bad news is we bought 8 cupcakes for the price of 6 and this is how many we have left, and I can't blame it on my Husband. oops.
A friend asked me tonight how I was. I immediately answered that I was good, and then added in an all things considered, which she questioned. I answered, "because of the being unemployed and all" (riveting conversation, I know). Thinking about it now, I guess I do feel a sense of not being allowed to be happy, or good, or even great considering the situation. And not only my current situation, but the world's. But I am happy overall, my life is good, maybe even great...besides being unemployed. I could hear tomorrow that I have a job, at a great company that suits me nearly perfectly and maybe it is that hopefulness that keeps me in good spirits, most of the time. I found last night as I was trying to fall asleep that I started to get anxious about hearing about the job this week and realized I hadn't felt it at allover the weekend despite having thought I'd hear Wednesday and then Thursday and then Friday night I realized I wouldn't. I was able to put it out of my mind since I knew there was no chance I could fantasize it happening when I wanted. What is it with anxiety and worrying that allows you to control it so easily sometimes, and then not at all no matter what you do or what people say to you at others? Maybe it is just me. Regardless, I believe it was this ability to enjoy my weekend and put that which I cannot control out of my mind that has left me with a sense of happiness and hopefulness. All this has left me with a new found sense of wanting to relish in and celebrate the goodness I have. Maybe it is just that subconsciously I can feel myself nearing the end of my job hunt and I want to make the most of getting to settle in with my husband as we start our new life together. All things considered, that ain't so bad.
The red buckets were stacked neatly just outside the barn store, we climbed gingerly onto the flatbed hitched behind a tractor. My jacket was open as it was only drizzle that fell and I could just fit my bum on it so as to prevent any water from seeping in. Sammy stood for a few moments, surfing, until the driver turned around to tell him it wasn't allowed. He dropped us off amidst rows of apples. We watched and listened as he pointed where to walk and what we'd find. Warning us against the macouns, telling us at least 3 times about the bulletin he'd received to let them sit another week. We walked through grass slick with water, avoiding the muddied tractor trail. I reached up and grabbed the rounded apples easily, placing them in our red buckets and biting in to them to ensure the flavor was right. Sammy reached up to grab branches, yearning for the better apples that waited above normal picking arms. Matt took pictures until it was too wet to let the camera be out in the rain. We tried the Golden Delicious and they were divine. The farmer returned to pick us up, "How are they?" "Delicious" We yelled down to him. "Well, you just have to try 'em, right?" This time with my jacket zipped up against the rain my bum got wet and muddy as I climbed back on to the flat bed. I imagined what it was like on a crisp clear sunny day, how many bodies would be trying to fit on these flat beds and how many Mother's would be yelling, "Hold on tight!" Not only to their kids, but to their husbands who would be in charge of the red buckets they'd now filled. The farmer easily drove us through other fruit trees we couldn't identify before parking back at the barn and wishing us farewell with another reminder of the late bloomer macouns. We picked out pumpkins, Sammy a 25 pounder, me a small and dainty one and Matt a tall and oval one. With those and our apples hauled on to the counter, Sammy wandered around the store picking up soda, donuts and fudge. "He's like a kid in a candy store" I declared to the young woman at the register. "Oh, I used to work in a candy store," she confided in me, "So I know what it can get like." I smiled and laughed about the remark with Matt and Sam later in the car ride home. We drove quickly over old tarred roads surrounded with trees just starting to turn. Their bright reds, oranges and yellows caught all our attention and the rain and our wet behinds didn't even matter anymore. We passed around a bottle of rhubarb soda all declaring our love of the crisp and sweet flavor they were able to bottle. We made loud declarations of how delicious and warm the cider donuts were. We listened as the pumpkins moved in the trunk of the car, and laughed about day, letting the rain fade away as the crisp fall air moved through the open sun roof.
The Jewish New Year is right around the corner of this weekend and it feels like Fall outside. When did it go from Labor Day weekend to Fall? When did I go from planning a wedding to being a newlywed? I told someone the other day I left my job on the 15th of September because August 15th sounded too far away, but it was over a month ago that I left and all the newness came in to my life. Wow. Soon it will be October and I still won't have a job. When Matt would mention October when we were in Hawaii I would panic a little bit inside and think how scary it was to think about October coming and me not being employed. Now it is almost here, and I'm okay. Things are happening, pieces are moving and we're going to be just fine. Going to NH this weekend will make Fall feel even more present in my world. To see the colors on the trees and feel the cold air on my skin in the mornings and evenings, and probably throughout the day will feel good. Seasons changing always rejuvinates me, even the first snow of the year. My sinuses don't like it, but I love stepping outside and thinking the air has changed, that the time has shifted in to a new season. It helps to deal with change if you embrace the cycles that come with it and enjoy and relish in all they bring. For me Fall brings out sweatshirts and sweaters and brown boots. I can drink tea at night to relax and be comfortable with the window open and a fleece blanket on me. Fall means oranges and reds and all the warm full of life colors that I enjoy. I'll want to have a glass of wine with dinner and embrace the ciders, pumpkins and warm drinks that everyone will be selling. I'm looking forward to running in the park as the season changes and just as I embraced the arrival of the cherry blossoms and Spring I'll marvel at the leaves changing and the air crisping. I love crispy air, ooh and crispy apples.
Oh this blog. What can I say that is really that different from my last post, besides the obvious that I got married and went to Hawaii? Not much. There is a lot of change swirling around in my life right now, and it is hard for me from moment to moment to stay grounded in the happy changes that have occurred. I'm a married woman now, and it feels great. In some ways that is the smallest change in terms of adjustment because it feels so right, and brings me to exactly where I'm supposed to be. On the plane to Hawaii I was uneasy, it wasn't because I was going to Hawaii and it wasn't because I was married, it was everything else that the wedding being over meant would come next. After Hawaii I had to come back home and really start my job search, before Hawaii I was kind of job searching and getting lucky but mostly just finishing up details for the wedding and reveling in not having to go to work. After Hawaii I have to figure out where to take the rest of my life, I have to start getting things in order for even bigger and better changes to come. It is a lot, and although I'm good at change and going with the flow- the old adage is so true- it isn't easy. Everyday is different, which is good, but everyday has moments of fear and is often filled with anxiety at what will come next. I can't think about the future too much, mostly because I work myself up thinking things like, "What if I don't have a job by then?" But the good things are, I'm recognizing my needs. I know I have to get out of the apartment as much as I can and not let myself be tied to my desk, so I am. When I think back to the Spring I moved to NY and was looking for a job I see myself as miserable. This Spring I remember walking through the park and thinking- "why was I not here last Spring?" I was tied to my desk, and it wasn't good. I need to start moving more, the week has been a little messed up with still adjusting to the time zone difference and I'm not as energetic as I'd like to be- and damn if exercise isn't the best stress/anxiety buster that doesn't come in a bottle I don't know what is. The best thing is, and Matt keeps reminding me of this, my personal life is great. We're married and it is thrilling and exciting and just how it should be.
Packing for NH and Hawaii, in one suitcase Preparing to live out of a suitcase for a week Reading Hawaii guidebooks Printing lots Interviewing Organizing Emailing Updating spreadsheets Applying for jobs Eating cherry tomatoes from our fire escape tomato plant Reading Watching the Olympics Exercising Breaking in my wedding shoes Picking up my wedding dress Cleaning Cooking Relaxing, when I can
When I list all this out I wonder why it is that many a day I'm buzzing around the apartment with not enough to do.
Looking forward to getting to NH with some more room to spread all this out in.
I've been horrible at blogging lately. Lots of stuff going on, as evident from my previous post. Last weekend I got to escape it all in the lovely company of dear friends and the Long Island Wine Region. The green grass, grape trees, blue sky and bright white fluffy clouds gave me a much needed day of relaxation. The wine helped too. Sunday I found myself depressed. Partially because the weekend was over, partially because I had to go back to reality. This week wasn't easy either. Although I had two interviews, which makes me feel good about my job search and marketability as a candidate. Work was weird though, I felt odd being there, being a part of meetings where they are talking about things they need to learn from me and at the same time about the future of the company and jobs. I want to care and help, but I also don't want to. I'm also upset, and angry and annoyed at the whole situation. I put on a happy face, I smile and say I'm looking at the silver lining- and I am. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't suck and it is totally weird to be at the company. I feel bad for the people staying on even longer. It will be interesting to hear about how things are for the team after all 4 of us are gone and the work load remains somewhat the same. I'll miss the people I work with and have forged relationships with. Although I wasn't there as long as I was at Shawmut- there is something to be said about the fact that 2 people from Shawmut are coming to the wedding. You become a huge part of someone's life when you work closely with them. Sometimes you see the people you work with more than your family, and it is always hard to say goodbye. Change is always hard, and this month is full of it.
So about two years ago, and let's be honest- a year ago- my family was a bit of a shit storm. With good reason, of course. But as they always do, things evened out and we went back to our new normal and times were good. There were deaths, and births and weddings to be planned, the normal life event stuff. Lately, and maybe it was right around the time of the NH Tornado, things have taken to spinning a bit out of control. The good, and the bad. The other night while contemplating all of this with Mom she shared how my Brother had described it, we're in a shit tornado. (I hope you're not reading this over a meal)
Just a quick list: major death in both families resulting in some major depression 3 people in our lives with cancer, two of them dying actively from it major lay offs resulting in my job being cut A slow economy while Matt searches for a job post Law school Good friends going through breakups
Wedding and Hawaii in just over 3 weeks New and positive relationships in our lives 3 more weddings to attend and help plan in the next year Weight loss
It is all flying around us, quickly and it is so darn weird. I feel so good about so many things, and yet so sad and confused and hurt about so many other. What the fuck? At least this time we've done nothing really to cause the shit tornado, we're not the crazy ones, we're just stuck with the clean up.
Maybe we get older and wiser as we age, as we move through life and what it puts in front of us. I think that some things remain the same and remain just as hard no matter how long you’ve been coping with them or how well you have incorporated the pain in to your life. I’ve felt for the past week or so this un-excitement about my upcoming wedding. It is not that I’m not excited to be marrying Matt, I am beyond thrilled to be formally stating my desires to spend the rest of my life with him building a family. Yet, I’ve felt something in the pit of my stomach that isn’t excitement and joy when I thought about the wedding.
At first I chalked it up to stuff happening at work. I couldn’t be excited about the wedding because I had to get through some tough things there first, and they were clouding anything else in my life.
So, I focused instead on all the little things that need to be taken care of when you are planning a wedding on your own. How many guests would be staying on property, and how did we want to set up their welcome bags? What should we buy for the children coming to the wedding to play with? What did we want to get our parents as gifts? What are some weekend activities we can plan to share in with our friends? Where should I book manicures, and hair appointments? What else can I put on my To Do list to focus on instead of what I’m really feeling about that weekend and event?
Last night I picked something to really dig in to, that not only allowed me to be distracted by what the day had brought up (lack of sleep, food and doing something that brought me one step closer to the reality of the day) it also allowed me to point my anxiety and frustration at Matt. After bickering, I climbed in to bed and pulled the covers over my head.
Matt was thoroughly confused, and because of how I’d acted assumed he did something wrong, which made him confused and frustrated. I wanted to just keep pushing it down, and him out of bed so I didn’t have to talk about it. But instead I just started crying, and finally let it all come out.
The greatest thing is that I didn’t even have to verbalize it because he knew, and he was right there, just like he’ll always be, which is why I’m marrying him. But of course I did verbalize it, because just crying doesn’t get it out, I have to talk about it too. Oh the processing I have to do.
I let myself realize and put words to the fact that I’m not that excited about celebrating my wedding because my Dad won’t be there. I want to be married to Matt, but I don’t want to celebrate without my Dad. I don’t want to walk down the aisle only on the arm of my Mother and Brother. People can say all they want about being there in spirit, but it doesn’t make it better for me. He’s not there in person, and that’s what matters.
It is a weird thing when you lose someone so suddenly, so young, and tragically. Sometimes it feels like the history and past have been erased to, because there person was gone so quickly. But when I look at pictures, and when I think about Squam and what it meant to him, and what it means to our family, I am brought right back to the fact that he was such a huge part of my life, of our life as a family. But, now he’s gone, and it is hard to incorporate his disappearance with the history of my life. So I find myself finding it even harder to think about celebrating a major life milestone without him, because he’s supposed to be there, and he won’t be, and I kind of don’t want to do it without him.
I almost envision myself walking up the aisle, and suddenly in some kind of thriller, where all the pictures have him in them again, and all the past is real and full of him and I start to get excited that he’ll appear on my arm. But he won’t, and it will be crushing, yet I’ll finally be able to understand that he was there, alive and wonderful, and he’s just not anymore. And, I just keep walking down the aisle towards a man who is here, who takes care of me, and with whom I’ll build a new family to incorporate with my lopsided one.
I watched Bridget Jones' Diary last night. It got me thinking about journaling. I wonder if it started a trend when it first came out, as a book and a movie. Lots of young women go and watch this movie or read this book about someone they can truly relate to and think, I'm going to start a journal! I bet book and stationary stores were quite pleased. Anyway, I've been journaling since I was a pre-teen, and it was my Mom who inspired me. Seeing all her journals lined neatly on a bookshelf made me want to have that someday. I wrote mostly about boys in those early days, and probably well in to high school too. There were many years when I didn't journal, it's always been an up and down thing for me. One time I tried keeping a journal on the computer, I lost interest even more quickly though. There is something about the act of writing it down, your handwriting, your hands moving quickly enough to keep up with your thoughts. There's something about having it bound in a small leather bound lined pages item. Journaling for me has always been something attractive an special. I still go through chunks of time where I don't write anything down, but I know I always feel better when I do. A few months ago I committed to carrying my journal with me everyday and wrote on the train most mornings and evenings when it wasn't too crowded. It is so fun now to look back and read about the people I saw and how I was feeling each day. I briefly thought how interesting it would be to write for a year about riding the subway, but it became hard to feel comfortable writing when there were so many people watching. Journals are a private thing, not something you'd want to share with anyone, especially not the weird man standing over you with his crotch in your face. Anyway, watching the movie reminded me how much I enjoy journaling and how therapeutic it can be. In fact, I think I'll go spend some time with it, right now.
I was reading Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek a good few months ago. I started reading it on the train, and found the commotion too distracting from the rich and deep narrative. So I brought it home and put it on my bedside table. I still picked it up there on frequent nights, reading and rereading the moments in nature, earmarking pages of interest. When I talked to my Mom about it, I realized that this want a work of fiction, it was Annie Dillard's own experience, it was her journals published. This blew me away, as it did my Mom many years prior. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of her having spent a portion of her life this way and then being able to so beautifully and thoughtfully describe the experience that I put the book aside, and didn't pick it up again, until now. This is a book, thankfully, you can pick up again after time has gone and not feel like you've forgotten a character, a place or a story line. You are thrust right back in to the daily life in nature, taking it in, and musing on life as it is lived around you in many forms. I feel like this summary doesn't even do what Annie Dillard has done justice. I want to do what she's done. I want to immerse myself in a place, an experience, a path, and then write about it with heart and passion. I'm anxious about many things in my life right now, and the appeal of going into the wilds of Virgina and just being and writing is tugging at me. Instead I will throw myself back in to her book for solace and maybe it will spark my own writing again, which I've put aside now for many months.
As we drove up to CT on Sunday, I saw horseback riders along the hutch, and then a hawk taking off into the green forest from the side of the same road. Later on 684 I spotted a car stopped by a police officer with what were either nuns or kids dressed as nuns standing outside of it. I thought, Is this drive putting on a circus for me? What will I see next? I didn't see anything, but the way the events of the day unfolded made me think about faith and free will. I thought about the difference between believing you've been put in a place for a reason, or just happening to be there. Was I put on the road on this Sunday to see all those odd events? I believed I was even more after my trip to CT was able to instead of bring my Grandmother for a nice visit with her family, bring her to see her dying sister-in-law who was brought to the ER the moment we stopped to pick my Grandmother up 30 minutes away. My Grandmother has lost most of her sight and can't get to see her Brother and Sister-in-Law unless someone takes her, which doesn't happen often. With their ailing health, and the 3 of them being the last of a family of 7, not only did I want to bring them together, but I wanted to visit with them too, I'm a family girl. It was supposed to be an afternoon of sitting and talking, of packing up their anniversary china that they've gifted to Matt and me. Instead, it was an afternoon sitting in the ER, watching my Great Aunt struggling to breathe through the oxygen being pushed in to her lungs. Through all that, I was so thankful that Matt and I were there to be able to bring my Grandmother to her brother. He was clearly relived she was there, and she got to feel part of helping, instead of sitting anxiously by the phone like she's done 4 times prior in the past month when one of them has been to the ER. Later that night as Matt and I ran I talked about fate versus free will. Part of me felt like I was fated to be there, to bring my Grandmother to her Brother, like there was some higher being pulling the strings. But then when I think about losing my Dad, there was no higher reason for that, nothing good came from that, I don't believe it happened for a reason. Matt talked about how appealing the prospect of fate is, in that it helps you take a bad situation like that afternoon and give it meaning. And the afternoon took on even more meaning this morning when I got the call that Freda had died. Thank God, I thought as I pushed back the sadness and dressed for work, that we were there on Sunday so Bubba could see her one last time. Thank God, or whoever and whatever it is out there, if anything at all.
Sometimes when I say something out of the blue, I'll follow it up with an explanation of my train of thought. I enjoy being able to trace the thought back to something concrete, to follow where my mind took me from a certain trigger to a conclusion. Earlier this week, I was walking south on Lexington to 92nd and all of a sudden just thought, wow- my Dad is dead. I ruminated on how interesting it is that those types of thoughts will just pop in to my head from time to time, that although I think of him often and my loss, it will often just hit me that I had a Dad and now I don't. In this instance though I decided to trace it back. I had just walked by a flower shop and saw a really lovely hibiscus tree and thought how nice it would be to have one. I chided myself thinking, there's no way I could have one because there is no good outdoor space for it. Then I concluded that the outdoor space I would think of to put it is Mom's house, and that lead me to thinking of new outdoor plants she's put in, which made me remember the hydrangea bush she got, which was after Dad died. Then there it was, my Dad is dead. In some ways it was comforting to follow my train of thought, to watch where my mind will take me and know where triggers may lie.
The first Father's Day came a little over a month after Dad died. Bubba, Burton and a Schain family friend came to NH. It was horrible. Mom, Sammy and I were so not in the mood to be with anyone, we didn't want to be doing anything for Father's Day except ignoring it. We were miserable, Sammy was on the verge of a melt down, I wanted everyone to be happy, and Mom was just flipped out. After they left we all went to the beach and jumped in one of the lakes in our town. It felt great to let the day slide off of us under the water, but the memories of that day still remain and they aren't good. As I moved through the first years mourning process I read somewhere that when you've lost a parent you should celebrate yourself on the ____ Day meant to celebrate them. I liked that idea. It was a great way of ignoring the holiday, but also giving yourself some you time. When I started my new job and found out the sister of a spa owner worked there allowing us a nice discount I decided that going to the spa would be my father's day ritual. So I went, and it was wonderful. I'm going again today, and I've been excited for weeks. Yesterday I got less excited because of the ripples it caused that I wouldn't be going to Queens with Matt. He's put in a hard position, and like any good relationship we are open and honest with each other so he doesn't hide anything from me. I am so grateful for that, but it makes it hard to hear why and how they are upset. I want to vent about it, but I won't, I did enough of that yesterday. What is important to me is that I get to do something for myself today, I will not be thrust in to celebrating Father's Day when I don't want to, I don't have to be reminded that I don't have a Father to celebrate, and that the Father's in my life, while I care for them and think they are great men, aren't the one I lost and don't make up for that loss. I will celebrate them on their birthday's and other occasions. I get to have this one day to do what I want to, because it is my loss to cope with and I get to chose.
Okay, so that is a little of a vent... I told Matt last night I wish I could write him cue cards to read off of when he has to deal with these odd interventions... I so wish I really could...
Off to the spa, where all this will be exfoliated off of my skin, and my mind.
I remember when I was younger, laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and hearing adults out on our screened in porch laughing and watching the storms roll in. Maybe it was the sound of their merriment during the crackling booms of thunder that ingrained in me a sense of delight and not fear. Tonight after the second storm rolled in to the Upper East Side, I could feel another brewing- and I got as close to a porch as I could, our fire escape, and turned my head up to the sky to watch the dark clouds sweeping by, to catch the glimpses of light piercing through the thick layers. The wind picked up and more and more drops hit my shoulders. I felt so alone standing out there, like no one else in the city was outside. I could see figures in windows around me, even the houses around me where dark and motionless. It felt good. The storms are soothing to me. I go back to that place of being safely tucked in, and I can hear the laughter around me. I count every time I see the light flash, I know when the storm is getting closer. I can feel in the air when the rain will increase. Just as it did, I put my foot through the open window and stepped back in to my apartment. I watch the breaks of light and relish in the cracks of thunder, even safer here, I know.
Nightrunning, remembering that night When summer hit before mid June And we could see the moon Here we are just two Running side by side in full sweat Around this with no sun And still the need has won For nightrunning
You, I'm glad you're with me You, thank god you run You, you're running with me Laughing while you choke on bugs Nightrunning
I feel like I did a ton today and it is only 7:30, although that Sunday evening dread is starting to get to me a little bit, but seriously- even actually saying all we did today out loud doesn't remind me that it wasn't that much after all, that's how I know we really did pack in a lot on this hot hot Sunday:
Walk to West Side Run 5K, and then drink lots and lots of water- thank god they had ice cold washclothes to give us- brilliant move on their part Walk back to East Side Have Brunch Call Relatives Nap Do Law School Work (That one wasn't me) Watch Yankee Game (Partially during my nap) Clean Toilet See "Zohan" Grocery Shop
And now I'm going to make dinner. Niiice.
PS: I discovered today that we now get HGTV HD. I'm super pumped. If the Celts weren't on tonight I'd totally be tuned to that.
PPS: I'm slowly but surely editing and posting all my CA pictures on Flikr- click on the Widget on the right side of the page to go to them. It was QUITE lovely.
I have no problem writing about my life in many different forms, but I always have trouble with About Me sections. I can't sit still for very long, I read, I write, I love being outdoors, I'm athletic and competitive if I allow myself to be. I love my family. I live life to its fullest and always try to stay in the moment. I find that I'm a grown up all of a sudden, and I'm loving being one.
