Tuesday, May 16

Rainy Greens

Everyone keeps complaining about the rain. I have to agree on some levels- the sun would be nice now, I'm sure the sun would help me out.

Yet, I keep looking around at all the green that's thrived in the last week of this rain. The trees are much more lush, the yet to blossom flowers growing faster, the grass calling to my bare feet. I think all the green looks great with all this rain. I pull onto my block and think, I'm so happy to live here. All the trees surrounding the pavement are beautiful and soften it and make it nice to come home to.

So while I'll rejoice with the rest of the community when the sun does come back, I'm content to sit inside and look out at how beautiful this spring is becoming and how pretty the rain glistens on the leaves and buds.

A Picture is Worth...

I love photos. I love taking photos, I love being in photos, I love framing photos. As a result I have loads of family photos around my room. I have a picture of my parents when they were my age, I have a picture of me being kissed on both cheeks by my parents, I have a picture of my brother and I each picking up our parents, him with my mom on his back, me with my dad. I have a 4 photo frame with pictures from our trip to Costa Rica. I have a photo being held by one of those clips next to my computer of the four of us at a Red Sox game last summer. They are everywhere. I love these photos, they remind me of what a fabulous family I have, of how close and loved we are. These photos are meant to keep me happy when I'm feeling down, allow me to brag and show off my great family, and again remind me of who I am and where I come from.

Right now these photos are making me sad. They remind me of who I've lost, of the missing piece that's not coming back.

The home where I grow up has a historical wall up the main staircase devoted to family photos. Every time I walk those stairs I think of all the wonderful times I've spent with my Father, how much he loved us, and what a great Man he was. I think of how now family photos will just be three of us and that it seems odd. On family vacations we could share one room. At family gatherings we'll be the ones with no Dad.

Then I force myself to cherish the memories these photos hold. They are reminders of wonderful times we've spent together and all that my father has passed on to me and all that he was able to provide me with. These can never be taken away, they won't go missing and don't stop with his passing.

My children may not be able to meet their Grandfather, but they'll know why everyone who met him fell in love with him, what he looked like, where he took us and in me they'll have everything he passed onto me and that will only get stronger.

Friday, May 12

When One Door Closes #2

I want to open the window.

There was a baby in the Temple on Monday. My family and I walked into the sanctuary to take our front row seats, I would sit in the back row hard metal chairs for every Friday night and Saturday morning service for years before wanting the front row seats for this reason, and we heard the cooing and babbling of a young baby. It was perfect. It calmed me for a moment and really highlighted how true it is that when one door has closed, another has just opened.

Its been overcast and raining since Tuesday. Monday, when we buried my father, it was gorgeous. There were no bugs, the sun was warm and comforting and we could open all the windows in the house and let the love, laughter and most importantly new air flow through the rooms.

Sunday, after the Funeral Home came and took my Dad's body, there was a spot to clean on the mattress. We pulled the blind to the top of the window, pressed the bed right up against it and let the warm sun seep in to dry it. I felt like the sun was shining down right on that spot. It knew it needed some warmth, some comfort, and yet some way to imprint what had happened into the mattress.

I don't really believe that things happen for a reason anymore, what is the reason for what I just experienced? However, Nature has a funny way of showing up and letting you know there is a whole mysterious world that keeps on happening around you and giving you things to key into, focus on, cherish, make you feel warm. My Mom saw two Herons on her first walk after my Dad's funeral, one of his favorite birds. Monday after the funeral the sun was streaming through the clouds in those amazing rays that make you believe there is something above them, something up there.

Tuesday, May 2

I Know Good People

When you are looking for jobs people often tell you- "Its not about what you know, its about who you know." Who knows why, but that popped into my head today and as I thought more about it, it fit my situation quite well.

As what I know gets worse and worse, who I know are better and better. My friends send me daily emails, just checking in, just sending their love, just offering whatever they can do to help. They offer prayers, positivity, strength, love, support and in such unselfish ways it astounds me. My friends welcome plans for me every day of the week, cooking dinners, eating out, playing games, just talking about whatever it is that I feel like talking about. They've really rallied for me.

What I know is a lot of bad news, but who I know have been completely there for me. When I'm feeling down they remind me of how loved I am, how much strength they see in me and much they want to help. And then, I don't feel so down anymore. I feel the love and support instead. It is about who you know.

Thank God for that.