Sunday, October 28
Thursday, October 25
I was supposed to go out tonight with work people- space in the back of a bar at been reserved and there would be large pitchers of beer, pizza and rivalry (there are Red Sox and Rockies fans at my office). I was excited, Matt was excited. A night out was something to look forward to!
But Matt got sick, felt sick all day, and I decided better to go home and make some soup and take care of him since he takes such good care of me when I'm sick. When I told the organizer of the event, a fellow Red Sox and Patriots fan she said, "I totally understand." When I told other co-workers they all said, "Ahh, yes have to take care of your man." One even said, "Seriously? I guess you have to start practicing being the wife. If it was me, I'd be like- whatever go to bed I'm going out."
When I started to think about it more tonight I wondered, would they have given me a hard time if he was just my live in boyfriend? Is it because we are making some kind of larger commitment and I will now play the "wife" role that it is okay that I choose to go home and take care of him rather than drink some beers and have a pizza with work friends? I would hope that most women in committed relationships who love and care about their partners would choose this too if the situation warranted it. I would also hope that no matter what level of commitment they have made to this partner that it would be okay with whoever they were canceling plans with. We are supposed to care for and take care of the ones we love, chosen family or related family. I don't think it means that we are being the "wife" or the "husband" when we want to take care of them, it is just us being human beings and caring for each other.
I guess it just kind of left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth when I started to think about it. I almost felt like they were putting me into some kind of anti-feminist role because I chose this over going out. And when I thought about it more, if the situation had been last year when I was living with Katie, and she was sick and had told me and I had had plans with her and other people, I probably would have gone home to make sure she was okay too and made her soup and bought fresh bread and apple sauce.
Now that doesn't mean I'm not happy to become a wife and in many ways play into that role. Taking care of the house, I love cleaning! Preparing good meals, I really enjoy cooking when I'm motivated. I'm excited to have a household to care for and organize and clean and make warm and inviting and happy and healthy. And, what makes me even more excited is that I know Matt wants to help with those things, he wants to truly be my partner. He takes care of me, and cancels plans to do so, when I'm sick so wouldn't I do the same for him? Well yes, I would and I did and it doesn't mean I'm practicing being the "wife" because, really I already know how, whatever that means, and I'm going to be a damn good one.
Tuesday, October 16
Okay- so when it comes to beauty stuff I'm a total girl and recently I've been discovering some great stuff with the help of glamour, vogue, etc which makes me even more of a girl. But regardless, I wanted to share it for my fellow girlie readers.
1. Olay Eye Lifting Serum: This stuff is amazing. When I read about it in Glamour (it was voted the best eye cream) I thought, hey that would be nice- have my eyes not look as tired and worn out as they've been lately. So I went and some that weekend, and I'm telling you this stuff works. My eyes are less puffy, the skin around them feels great, and I definitely don't look as tired in the mornings even when I'm getting now sleep. I'm totally hooked.
2. Aquaphor: I already love Eucerin lotion and so when I saw a piece about "what's in her handbag" in either Glamour or Vogue and read that some star always carries around Aquaphor (from the makers of Eucerin) and that it works at smoothing skin, healing cuts and avoiding chapped and dry skin I wanted to try it. I ordered a tub of it off Drugstore.com and used it eagerly the first night I had it. First of all it has a nice warming sensation as you put it on your skin, and it completely coats and soothes dry skin and keeps it moisturized for hours. I love it, I've only used it a couple of times, but mostly before bed and the next day my skin still feels soft, smooth and my typically dry skin isn't itchy at all. This will be a winter weather must use!
3. Revlon Lip liner: So, I'm typically a gloss and go girl- but lately I've been curious about trying some lip colors. I've always shyed away because I think lip stick makes my lips look weird and big, but after reading about the wonders of lip liners I wanted to give one a try. What I read recommended clear since you could use any color with it. The Revlon Lip liner is long lasting so I can keep reapplying all day and not have to worry about it. I did some experimenting after buying it with various shades of lipstick and so far, I love it. My lips look defined and not so weird and I've also found some great nude shades of lip color that will be perfect for fall.
4. Maybelline Brow Pencil: I have really really light eyebrows. I really don't think people even notice my brows, but I pluck them and keep them shaped nicely because I notice them. I've been told for years that I should get a brow pencil by make up savvy friends, but I just never got around to it. Well since I was stocking up on beauty products recently, I figured I'd try one and I love it. I recently darkened my hair and the brow pencil helps keep my brows along the same tone. It also defines them and makes them pop which adds something to my everyday make up look, perfect. There isn't any particular reason I chose the Maybelline pencil, but it is idiot proof and works great so I would definitely recommend it.
5. Schick Intuition Razor: Another blog I read mentioned this razor recently. Although I'd known about it, I just never bought it or thought to because my razor worked just fine. But when she mentioned that she can shave everyday in 2 minutes (Because all that shave gel application is no longer necessary) my interest was peeked. So, I bought one and I love it. It is so easy and quick to shave now and my skin feels great after. I feel like I got a razor upgrade!
So there you go, my inner most girl revealed to bring you products I hope you'll love to. Enjoy!
Sunday, October 14
Just a list of thoughts, things, etc that aren't as intense as the last two posts... because I'm not always intense!
1. Although it is chilly in the apartment now and the heat doesn't seem to be working, I'm so happy it is finally Fall weather outside since it is technically Fall.
2. When I was walking with Matt yesterday each of us holding a Hot Chocolate and after me pointing out an interesting store name he said, "Let's cross and check it out!" I realized this is why I'm marrying him, because I could spend the rest of my life doing just this with him everyday and be fulfilled. It was nice.
3. Why do I keep sleeping until 11 when I don't have to get up? Am I sick?
4. My apartment has a whole new feel because I moved one piece of furniture. Cool.
5. I'm going sailing today, and I'm so excited yet afraid I'll be freezing the whole time.
6. It really is the little things in life, like how pumped I was to score a window table in Starbucks yesterday morning when the entire place was packed.
7. I like that the church on Park Ave. near us plays their bells so frequently.
8. I'm hungry.
Thursday, October 11
They started into a more mellow song to end the night with that I didn't recognize. I tuned in to the lyrics and heard Matt Berninger sing, "You close your eyes and I just watch you." Wow, I thought, that's such a true and intense experience. Then I heard, "Hey are you awake? I ask you about today. How close am I to losing you."
My mind instantly shot to a moment I pictured happening after hearing about it from Mom. The night after we called in hospice for Dad they were laying in bed together falling asleep. He turned to her and said, "I love you" and kissed her.
Soon his eyes were closed and we knew how close we were to losing him.
I suddenly felt completely alone in the large venue and that without forcing the feeling back I would break down. I focused on a white spotlight that was shining behind the band and into my eyes. I called up Dad, I felt him with me, and I felt my regrets, and I thought about him being at the concert, enjoying the band, how excited he'd be to hear about the concert and I wanted to tell him about it, I wanted to see him in front of me, I pictured him watching me from behind the spotlight, smiling, there for me in that moment of longing.
"You close your eyes and I just watch you." We watched him for days as he died. I wanted more time with him, the night I came home after we called hospice I went into the room he was in, but there was company so I didn't stay, and that was the last day I remember him being really lucid. I regret not staying, and as I stood in the packed concert hall feeling like I was alone I realized it is another manifestation of my desire to please, my need to make others happy, how much I want to make others happy. It is the same reason I haven't been asking for what I need or even communicating fully what I want to. The company was so happy to be spending time with my awake and alert Dad, so I let them and in the moment it felt like the right thing to do, but also in that moment I wanted a lot of things and the easy decision was to walk out of the room and into my Brothers strong arms so I could sob.
I stood and stared at the light as the mellow music faded and the last song of the set came on, another one I didn't know but I didn't want to focus on it. I couldn't shake the sadness, the deep longing for Dad. I just want him in my life, I wanted to see his face in front of me smiling, I wanted him bopping in the crowd to the music, I just want him to be near me again.
Then the band left and we clapped them back on the stage. I turned to Matt and told him how sad the song had made me, he gave me the universal look of "I'm sorry you're sad." What else could he do? I turned back around and bit back the tears. I felt my chin shudder, I've never felt that before.
They ended the show with a great song, one I love to belt out, one that makes me move even when I'm sitting at my desk at work. And I felt what it was to be both happy and sad and it felt okay. Like I could do it. I can let myself feel the deep sadness and not run away from it by pulling up other easier emotions, and at the same time I can be happy with something that is happening or stimulating me at the moment. It's a step.
The lyrics of the song are below, and the show was great.
Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say
How close am I to losing you
Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
How close am I to losing you
Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today
How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing
-Cherry Tree 2004
Monday, October 8
I've been avoiding reading this- and I kind of know why. I looked at it on a table for a couple of months, and then put it on the bookshelf, I'd scan over it as I was looking for my next book to read (I've been flying through them) and not even register it, well actually I would register it but just ignore the registering of it so as not to allow myself to read it.
Today I finally picked it up, because I couldn't find the book I was going to grab to start reading and needed to head out the door.
When I got on the train I had to stand for a couple of stops and usually I'd take my book out anyway, but I didn't. I just let it sit there staring at me from my tote bag. When I got to sit I pulled the book out instinctively and just started reading. I had to stop putting it off, I needed to read this book for many reasons. So I dove in. And it was good, I was really into the story she was beginning to tell, I was finding inspiration to dive back in to my memoir writing, I was enjoying her style and seeing pieces I could work on in my own. Then I got to a part that really touched me, a part I could connect with, see myself doing, see Mom doing and I felt her pain and my own. But luckily it was my stop, so I had to close the book anyway and put it back, and the tears stayed back too.
And that is why I've been avoiding it, I think. But does it hint to something else? Some piece of processing I haven't done, or haven't allowed myself to do. Is it because I know I'm open to this but not wanting to feel the open wound that still exists? A large part of me has remained the "strong person" or the "rock" through much of this experience and maybe the rock mentality hasn't allowed me to do some piece of the processing that still exists, maybe reading this book is going to propel me in to that and I know it and I have to do it, but I've been avoiding it because I have to do it.
When I first started writing what I was experiencing after Dad died a family friend wrote me an email, having read the blog, and admitted that because of my Mom being the widow and the difficulty Sammy experienced processing and coping she had "forgotten" that I had lost my Dad, that I was another person in this mix of who is left, who has lost and who needs comfort and guidance in the process too.
I think I've always felt that too and just let it be the way it is, the way we are now. They needed something more than me, in my mind, but maybe that's not true, maybe I need just as much and now that I'm opening myself up a bit more to it, I can receive it, and it is hard for me to admit that, hard for me to not feel selfish and needy. But, I did lose my Dad. But, I want to be there, I want to be the rock. But, I'm still sad and coping and figuring this out too.
I think that's the real reason I've avoided picking this up for so long. But now I'm in, maybe only a couple of pages in, but I'm in and I'm going to take what comes with it. I need it, it's my time.
Friday, October 5
Often times I'll find myself tossing and turning in bed with racing thoughts of things I want to do, things I have to do, people I'm missing or worried about, people I'm angry or anxious about. And I just let myself toss and turn and toss some more until I either just give in to sleep or take something to help lull me in to sleep.
I started doing this last night and then thought, why don't I just get up and write it all down. I figured it would be a good release, I'd go to bed feeling more sense of calm and my run down immune system would take over the active mind and make it shut down so my body could rest. So I wrote, and wrote and I still felt the buzzing of my thoughts. So I wrote some more, really digging into where my head was at and trying to express what needed to get out so I could slow down and sleep.
I lay back in bed still restless and unsure of why I couldn't just shut up and sleep. I was exhausted, I had been exhausted all day. Where was sleep? Matt came in, I needed him, I figured his calming presence would help. And it did.
It pulled everything out of me that was at the same time weighing me down and hyping me up. And when I apologized for getting his shirt wet and thanked him for letting me pour it out on him he of course just shook his head and told me, "This is what I'm here for. I can take this stuff on for you." And I thought for a moment about us, our relationship. I was sad for anyone out there who doesn't have this next to them in bed at night, because we all need that person with us, partnering us, that person who will take on anything for us, whether it means action or not. We need someone wiping the wet hair away from our face and stroking our arms, someone pulling us closer and tighter when we need it and opening their arms back up for us after we lean up to blow our nose, no matter how strong we are, and can be, everyday.
And I woke up this morning feeling better, lighter and less stuffed up, like maybe he has taken it on for me, and for him it's not as heavy.