Wednesday, May 23

Perfect Timing

Many people including myself said, "This vacation is perfect timing." I even wrote about it. Then, when I got there, when I was finally in the room with a view of the beach, I wanted to go home. Lying on my side facing Matt the first night I admitted, "I'm homesick." I didn't know where the feeling came from, or why, but I felt it and I let myself feel it. Sure I made some excuses, it was a long flight, our room wasn't ready until 4 hours after we got here, the room isn't as cushy as I'd hoped, the food is expensive. I was in a place where there were no expectations, no plans, nowhere I had to be, nothing I had to do that could distract me and the feelings continued to flow through me, I wanted to run from it, back to a City of constant movement and get started on "other" things.

The feeling remained as I tried to cover it up with focusing on my current environment and what I could do there. But it was to no avail, I had to feel the homesickness, the sadness, the loss, the anxiety, I had to let myself explore those emotions and not need to run to where I felt most comfortable. So I did, and it helped. It's okay to be on vacation in a beautiful resort, I could still be sad and want to go home, I didn't have to want to be there. And, in some ways it helped to be there. I couldn't run away from the emotions, I couldn't escape the fact that the last year of my life was intense, insane, filled with change and upheaval.

I realized that I'd gotten wrapped up in continuing to "be okay", to move on with life, to move quickly and effortless because I was good at it. At first it felt scary and confusing to be filled with sadness multiple days in a row, like I was supposed to be "over it". And then I realized this was how I felt last year, I was a wreck, sad, scared, anxious. I don't even remember most of last summer- I was in a fog. It was completely natural and normal for my body to be returning to that cloudy place of emotion. It didn't matter that I was highly functional and had just moved, unpacked, found a job and settled in just over a month, I had to let the sadness flow through me. Besides, I had nothing else to do.

So, although upon first arrival I felt as if the vacation was not so perfect timing, in the end it was. I couldn't find ways to ignore what I was feeling, and therefore I was able to process and heal more fully, which is really what vacation is about, right? Giving your body the time and energy to recharge, recuperate, relax and most importantly for me have the space for needed release.

Sunday, May 13


I haven't really planned anything, all I have is a flight, a room, sun, and sand. Right now that's all I want. Me, Matt, a good book, a cold drink and the beach or a pool for 7 days.

When we get back, I start my new job, I'll start to really live in New York, I'll have structure and things will be more scheduled. I'm ready. The change has been hard, or knowing the change is coming has been hard. Knowing its now been over a year since I lost my Dad. I'm really starting this new phase of my life, after one last escape, and it doesn't have my Dad as a part of it, he's not here anymore.

I've been laying on my bed staring out our window, staring out onto the bulidings around us, letting the anxiety turn to sadness, letting myself feel it, and release it. Letting what I've been bottling come out, it needs to be let out, I was holding to much in, letting myself be caught up in the holiday of moving and finding a job, in the vacation of having enough money to not work for over a month and do what I want and I wasn't doing enough of what I needed, that I might not always want to do. But this vacation is just what I need. I'll come back refreshed, renewed, ready. I'm anxious, but its a good anxious. Anxious to get there.

Saturday, May 5

Our Story

Last night Matt and I had dinner with a "new" couple, an old friend and her new boyfriend to be exact. We started the night talking about how we'd met, they embarrassed at their meeting and us a little embarrassed about ours too. Ours more so because of the location, I think the story's worth telling.

I was in center camp, probably looking for mail, when I saw the 3 boys that had been kicked out (more scapegoats than anything) standing in center camp with their friends waiting for parents to come and shamefully drive them home. I went up to one who I knew was Matt and chatted a bit. He had rosy cheeks, an adorable face and bright blue eyes. He was shy, but talked with me. I asked if he thought he'd come back next year. He wasn't sure. I told him he should.

Later in the year while IMing with camp friends, the cheapest way to stay in touch, one mentioned Matt. I talked about thinking he was cute, wanting him to come back, etc. She gave me his screen name and I IMed him. No response. But I found out through other people that he was in fact planning on coming back. I figured it was because of me. No really, I knew it probably wasn't but I was excited.

During the weeks before the campers get to Eisner, the counselors from each unit have time to spend together, for evening prayers, dinners, etc. I had my eye on Matt. He was adorable. Usually you start the summer with a crush, something to keep you occupied during the long boring nights from 9-12 pm when the kids are safely asleep, and there isn't much to do. Matt was totally mine. I knew his best friend Dan, so I figured I check out the situation via him. I was told there were many girls with an eye on Matt, and he didn't know how it would end up. My game started. I flirted when I could, but damn he was shy. I talked up his friends, I asked them to talk me up to him. One friend I had "gone out with" the summer before and he was "Hook Matt and Adrienne Up" fan #1 and a crucial part to finally getting us together. The weeks went by and the campers arrived. I was worried one of the other counselors would snag him, my confidence was decreasing.

On Friday nights they often do a staff oneg (the food put out after services so people can break bread, have wine and chat) after the kids have gone to bed. The staff were all sitting amongst the tables in the dining room, and Aaron the Fan #1 was bouncing back and forth between my table and Matt's. He was such a hard worker. At one point he finally went up to Matt and said, "Look, we both know you like Adrienne and we both know she likes you. So just do something!" I just sat there giggling with my friends, cause really that's how you get the guy, right?

The staff made their way to our open-mic location, another Friday night regular since we aren't allowed to go off camp that night, being its Shabbat and all. I sat towards the back with my friend Emily, looking for Matt to come in, hoping he'd come in. He walked by me and tousled my hair. I was in heaven. It was my cue. I was ready to swoop in and scoop him up. Most of the other girls had given up at this point anyway. After the open-mic I walked outside with him and his friends, mine cheering me on from the sidelines. We walked around center camp, mostly letting other people talk as we were both too nervous to speak. At one point we had to climb up and over something to get into the games room and my pants split. I'm not kidding. Right down the back. I heard the rip and gasped quietly. Luckily because of the cold summer nights in the Berkshire mountains I had a sweatshirt with me which I wrapped around my waist. I felt like the biggest dork. You don't wrap sweatshirts around your waist unless your 5 or 65. No offense. But a 19 year old trying to woo a boy, does not walk around with a sweatshirt around her waist. Oy.

We finally approached curfew and made our way up to the bunk areas. Not much progress had been made. I was feeling unsure, feeling like I had to do more, he clearly wasn't going to make the next move, tousling the hair was it, I had to do something. We stood in a group talking by the bunks for a bit. Laughing, chatting. Matt indicated that he was going to head off. As he started to walk away, something came over me.

"Wait! Matt."

He turned and waited

"So..." I began, "Okay, let’s just be honest. As Aaron Said, 'We both know we know.'

He just looked at me

"Okay, so I like you and I think you like me."


I waited for more, it didn’t come

"Okay, I guess I'll go first. I think we should hang out, and see what happens."


"Really? So you like me?"


"Great!" My stomach was doing cartwheels, back flips, jumping jacks.

He smiled

"So... can I have a goodnight kiss?"

He leaned in and we kissed. He smiled at me and said, "Goodnight"

I was beaming, absolutely beaming as I walked back to the group of people.

"Oh my god! Adrienne! What possessed you to do that? What balls!" They all cheered. And that was it, we were together from that day on.

Later I would learn that Matt walked into his bunk and pumped his fist in the air and mouthed "Yeah!"

In about a month it will have been 7 summers ago that we met at Camp Eisner. Sure its a little dorky that we met as camp counselors at a Jewish camp, but the story's good. And, I got my guy.