Thursday, October 30

Hassle Me

So probably a year ago now I signed up for the Hassle Me service. I probably heard about through Daily Candy if I had to guess. I wasn't going to the gym as often as I wanted, I wasn't drinking as much water as I desired and I hoped to be writing more than I was. So- I signed up for a daily hassle to my work inbox telling me to drink more water and go to the gym. It actually worked pretty well, and then I started Triathalon training and Weight Watchers at Work and those both accomplished getting me to the gym and drinking more water.
The "write more" hassle arrived in my personal inbox roughly every 6 days. At the beginning it motivated me to write, I'd leave it sitting in my gmail until I wrote, my anal nature around inbox emptiness helped. Soon though, I just started deleting them. I made up excuses as to why I couldn't meet the demands of the hassles. Mostly it was because I wanted to respond to it with was a day or afternoon of pouring time and energy into my writing. It wasn't realistic that I had enough free days or even afternoons to do that. So I just gave up on it, but didn't stop the hassle.
Lately, I've had a lot more time and energy on my hands, and I'm still not writing. I know for the most part it is fear at the subject I want to write about. It is hard, and sometimes painful, to go back to the year after my Dad died and put the experiences on paper. I feel pretty empty and depleted after an afternoon of doing it, and with what I'm going through career wise I just don't know if I actually do have the energy for it. This coupled with the hasslebots (which is what they're called) arriving sometimes 3 times in a week (the sending them roughly every _ days gets a little back logged sometimes apparently) has left me feeling a little annoyed, somewhat guilty and thankfully more motivated.
A few, no more like 8-9 months ago, I was writing a lot more on this blog and I saw my readership grow, it was really exciting. But, I being a blog reader know that if you don't update often you're going to lose the readers who aren't your friends and family. (Hi Mom). So, I want more readers who don't know me, just know my words. I want to write more, and not just because the hasslebots tell me to. I have time, I have energy and maybe by committing to write here more often I'll build up the endurance to open that word document that's staring at me from my desktop every morning.

Thursday, October 16


I'm so ready for something else to be happening in my life. I know those people with busy jobs and lots of daily activities would probably happily trade places with me, but only for a moment I'm sure. Will I look back at all this time off and think, "wow wasn't that nice to have so much time to settle in to married life"? I probably will. But right now, in these moments- I'm bored out of mind most of the time. Lately my days have been filling up more, with lunches and running dates and such- all great. But it is at night that I find myself getting the most stir crazy. Usually I would just zone out in front of the TV, but it is hard when there are exciting sports on, especially hard when these exciting sports involve my team losing in big disappointing fashion and my husband taking pleasure in it.

Last night I had a nightmare that involved a lion, cheetah, tiger, and I think a zebra, running loose outside and inside of my Mom's house. There were lots of people around that were in danger. The cheetah while we were still outside, kept coming up to me and would have its mouth on my arm and I'd shake it off incurring no damage and get somewhere safe. Then we all moved inside and they were trapped in various parts of the house because of closed doors, but I knew those doors were old and could easily be pushed open by a small cat, never mind a very large one. At one point the cheetah got outside and ate Victoria Beckham's dog, she said something like, "Oh darn" in a posh British accent. I was nervous about Matt who was sleeping on top of an open air bus outside, but I didn't want to send anyone out there to get him for fear the now loose cheetah would get him/her too. I finally managed to just wake myself up and get my mind to go elsewhere.
All day I've been trying to figure out what the dream meant. I think the animals came from our trip to the Zoo about a month ago, but what was with them being all over my space? They weren't truly attacking anyone, but I felt like they would at any moment. What are these animals doing running around inside my head for?
It was clear that they are feeling trapped and out of place and wanted out. There is so much in me that needs to get out, and I think the only outlet for these large cats is productive work that just doesn't exist for me right now. Yikes.
Too bad there wasn't a bear... lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

If I was working, I would relish these quite night moments and read a book, or find some internet hole to dive in to. I've done all that already though, I'm thoroughly relaxed and chilled out, as much as I can be given the situation, and now I want activity.

Hopefully on Monday I'll get the good news phone call and following it will be a busy week with lots of dates and activities and excitement to ride me through. For now, that's what I'll focus on to get me through the boredom.

Wednesday, October 15


The good news is I ran 6 miles in 54 minutes today. The bad news is we bought 8 cupcakes for the price of 6 and this is how many we have left, and I can't blame it on my Husband.

Monday, October 13

All Things Considered

A friend asked me tonight how I was. I immediately answered that I was good, and then added in an all things considered, which she questioned. I answered, "because of the being unemployed and all" (riveting conversation, I know). Thinking about it now, I guess I do feel a sense of not being allowed to be happy, or good, or even great considering the situation. And not only my current situation, but the world's. But I am happy overall, my life is good, maybe even great...besides being unemployed. I could hear tomorrow that I have a job, at a great company that suits me nearly perfectly and maybe it is that hopefulness that keeps me in good spirits, most of the time.
I found last night as I was trying to fall asleep that I started to get anxious about hearing about the job this week and realized I hadn't felt it at allover the weekend despite having thought I'd hear Wednesday and then Thursday and then Friday night I realized I wouldn't. I was able to put it out of my mind since I knew there was no chance I could fantasize it happening when I wanted. What is it with anxiety and worrying that allows you to control it so easily sometimes, and then not at all no matter what you do or what people say to you at others? Maybe it is just me.
Regardless, I believe it was this ability to enjoy my weekend and put that which I cannot control out of my mind that has left me with a sense of happiness and hopefulness.
All this has left me with a new found sense of wanting to relish in and celebrate the goodness I have. Maybe it is just that subconsciously I can feel myself nearing the end of my job hunt and I want to make the most of getting to settle in with my husband as we start our new life together. All things considered, that ain't so bad.

Thursday, October 2