Sunday, June 22

Hibiscus to Dad

Sometimes when I say something out of the blue, I'll follow it up with an explanation of my train of thought. I enjoy being able to trace the thought back to something concrete, to follow where my mind took me from a certain trigger to a conclusion.
Earlier this week, I was walking south on Lexington to 92nd and all of a sudden just thought, wow- my Dad is dead. I ruminated on how interesting it is that those types of thoughts will just pop in to my head from time to time, that although I think of him often and my loss, it will often just hit me that I had a Dad and now I don't.
In this instance though I decided to trace it back. I had just walked by a flower shop and saw a really lovely hibiscus tree and thought how nice it would be to have one. I chided myself thinking, there's no way I could have one because there is no good outdoor space for it. Then I concluded that the outdoor space I would think of to put it is Mom's house, and that lead me to thinking of new outdoor plants she's put in, which made me remember the hydrangea bush she got, which was after Dad died. Then there it was, my Dad is dead.
In some ways it was comforting to follow my train of thought, to watch where my mind will take me and know where triggers may lie.

Sunday, June 15

My Day

The first Father's Day came a little over a month after Dad died. Bubba, Burton and a Schain family friend came to NH. It was horrible. Mom, Sammy and I were so not in the mood to be with anyone, we didn't want to be doing anything for Father's Day except ignoring it. We were miserable, Sammy was on the verge of a melt down, I wanted everyone to be happy, and Mom was just flipped out.
After they left we all went to the beach and jumped in one of the lakes in our town. It felt great to let the day slide off of us under the water, but the memories of that day still remain and they aren't good.
As I moved through the first years mourning process I read somewhere that when you've lost a parent you should celebrate yourself on the ____ Day meant to celebrate them. I liked that idea. It was a great way of ignoring the holiday, but also giving yourself some you time.
When I started my new job and found out the sister of a spa owner worked there allowing us a nice discount I decided that going to the spa would be my father's day ritual. So I went, and it was wonderful.
I'm going again today, and I've been excited for weeks.
Yesterday I got less excited because of the ripples it caused that I wouldn't be going to Queens with Matt. He's put in a hard position, and like any good relationship we are open and honest with each other so he doesn't hide anything from me. I am so grateful for that, but it makes it hard to hear why and how they are upset. I want to vent about it, but I won't, I did enough of that yesterday.
What is important to me is that I get to do something for myself today, I will not be thrust in to celebrating Father's Day when I don't want to, I don't have to be reminded that I don't have a Father to celebrate, and that the Father's in my life, while I care for them and think they are great men, aren't the one I lost and don't make up for that loss. I will celebrate them on their birthday's and other occasions. I get to have this one day to do what I want to, because it is my loss to cope with and I get to chose.

Okay, so that is a little of a vent... I told Matt last night I wish I could write him cue cards to read off of when he has to deal with these odd interventions... I so wish I really could...

Off to the spa, where all this will be exfoliated off of my skin, and my mind.

Saturday, June 14

Thunder Storms of Summer

I remember when I was younger, laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and hearing adults out on our screened in porch laughing and watching the storms roll in. Maybe it was the sound of their merriment during the crackling booms of thunder that ingrained in me a sense of delight and not fear.
Tonight after the second storm rolled in to the Upper East Side, I could feel another brewing- and I got as close to a porch as I could, our fire escape, and turned my head up to the sky to watch the dark clouds sweeping by, to catch the glimpses of light piercing through the thick layers. The wind picked up and more and more drops hit my shoulders. I felt so alone standing out there, like no one else in the city was outside. I could see figures in windows around me, even the houses around me where dark and motionless. It felt good. The storms are soothing to me. I go back to that place of being safely tucked in, and I can hear the laughter around me.
I count every time I see the light flash, I know when the storm is getting closer. I can feel in the air when the rain will increase. Just as it did, I put my foot through the open window and stepped back in to my apartment.
I watch the breaks of light and relish in the cracks of thunder, even safer here, I know.

Monday, June 9

I like giving old songs new lyrics

Nightrunning, remembering that night
When summer hit before mid June
And we could see the moon
Here we are just two
Running side by side in full sweat
Around this with no sun
And still the need has won
For nightrunning

You, I'm glad you're with me
You, thank god you run
You, you're running with me
Laughing while you choke on bugs

Sunday, June 8

Packing It In

I feel like I did a ton today and it is only 7:30, although that Sunday evening dread is starting to get to me a little bit, but seriously- even actually saying all we did today out loud doesn't remind me that it wasn't that much after all, that's how I know we really did pack in a lot on this hot hot Sunday:

Walk to West Side
Run 5K, and then drink lots and lots of water- thank god they had ice cold washclothes to give us- brilliant move on their part
Walk back to East Side
Have Brunch
Call Relatives
Do Law School Work (That one wasn't me)
Watch Yankee Game (Partially during my nap)
Clean Toilet
See "Zohan"
Grocery Shop

And now I'm going to make dinner. Niiice.

PS: I discovered today that we now get HGTV HD. I'm super pumped. If the Celts weren't on tonight I'd totally be tuned to that.

PPS: I'm slowly but surely editing and posting all my CA pictures on Flikr- click on the Widget on the right side of the page to go to them. It was QUITE lovely.