A brief glimpse

My Mom told me I could stand to update my blog more frequently since it is her homepage and all. Hi Mom! Sorry!

So, as a fun way of my updating, here's a slice of my crazy.

I'm kind of wrapped up in my head right now. There is a lot spinning around in it and I'm finding it much easier to just let myself go crazy then actually taking actionable steps to getting to a steady sane place. Go figure!
We're closing a week from tomorrow. Holy Shit! We have a storm of things and people to organize and get ready. You'd think I'd be running around like a chicken with no head, but instead- I'm just freaking out silently and wondering when I'll take action. Why am I not taking action? I kind of know it will all work out in the end, I think that's why. This home ownership business and setting up a house takes time, maybe I'm letting myself digest that and prepare for it. I can't always be rushing rushing to get it all done. I just can't. Maybe I'm not so crazy after all.

Also, I worked my frigging booty off to get us a mortgage and wrap a lot of other stuff up to get to this place, so I've kind of just been taking a break from the stress. But I know it is lurking behind me ready to pounce.
You know what always helps with my crazy? Working out, which is why I get crazy about doing it and have a whole blog dedicated to it. Lately I've been working out a ton, it is helping. Want to read a funny story about working out? Check out the one I just posted on my tri blog: A Story . And, a note just to let you in even more in to my crazy- that picture on my blog header? Makes me anxious every time I see it. Why? Because I'm an anxious person and racing really sets it off. At least I know, right?

Dude!

My blog is getting spammed hardcore over here, what is that about? I'm guessing it is because I leave a link to it when I comment on other blogs, which stinks because I do that in hopes new readers will click on over and be blown away by the awesomeness that is my blog and stay for lots more! Anyway, looks like it is just getting me spam love instead.
Happy February blog world. I gotta say, as much as it already being February makes me feel like it is going to be 2011 before I know it, I'm really happy January is done.
Do you ever have those weeks when you feel like any sleep you get just isn't enough? When you wake up and just want to go back to sleep for many many more hours? Yeah, I'm having that kind of week. My eyes feel dry and tired, I'm walking more slowly, I'm getting in to work late (I hate that!!!) I don't even have the energy to read on the train in the morning.
So how do you snap out of it? What can I do to get back to feeling good? I've been exercising and it isn't helping. I even took a day off on Tuesday and I'm taking one off today in hopes that my body just needs a rest. Or maybe it needs a reset.
Could it be the backlash of all the stress in January? Is it just now catching up to me? I don't know, but I do know that I could really use a weekend away at a spa. Let's imagine it, shall we?

It would be in the Berkshires, or maybe Vermont. The first night, we'd have a simple dinner in a large wooden room with a stone fireplace in the center. We'd eat delicious fish and meat and ooh and ahh over everything. Our bed would be king size and they'd have the best down-alternative blankets we'd ever slept with. We'd fall asleep quickly and not stir until 11:00 the next morning. The day would start with Yoga in a room on one of their top floors surrounded by windows overlooking snow covered trees and mountains. After Yoga we'd head out to the deck and sit in the hot tub for a few minutes drinking fresh squeezed orange juice while our breakfast was made. After a quick shower, we'd rap ourselves in plush terry robes and enjoy breakfast giggling about our rosy cheeks and how great we felt already.
The day would include spa treatments, massages, and lap swimming in the heated outdoor pool. As the day turned to evening, we'd board a carriage for a drive through the woods of the property. Bundled up in jackets and blankets I'd reach into Matt's glove to hold his hand and we'd kiss softly as the sun set.
Returning back to the spa we'd ravish our dinner, spa treatments make you hungry!, and then take to the hot tub with a bottle of champagne and a plate of fruit.
We'd sleep even deeper than the night prior. Sunday, we'd have to wake up to take the earlier yoga class, and then we'd head out for a short run around the property before showering and packing to head home. As we approach the desk for check out, the clerk would see what a great time we'd been having and offer us another night stay for an amazing deal including more spa treatments. I'd call work and make sure they'd be okay for another day without me, of course they'd say, "Go for it!" and we'd celebrate together while heading back up to our room.
Man, I kind of feel better just writing about it. Go ahead, try it!

Laugh, it keeps you young

So today I need to talk about my biggest and best belly laugh of the year. Hmmm. I laugh a lot, I love laughing, so it is hard to think back through a whole year (I don't have a great long term memory) and pin point my biggest and best.

There have been a few moments this year when I've laughed so hard I couldn't stop- you know those times- when you do something, or you see something and it hits you and the giggling begins. You chuckle, you may get a little high pitched. Then, it turns, your laughing, full on laughing. Your eyes start to close, your stomach starts to hurt and then the tears come. You're not crying, now way, you're still laughing but it is so hard and for so long that tears form. And you start to gasp for breath and slow down, but then you are reminded of it and start laughing again, harder even. This continues for a typical 5-10 minute stint, sometimes lasting as long as 15 minutes. And it feels so good. For about an hour, to two hours, after you think of the moment and giggle quietly to yourself and you can't stop smiling. I've had two of those moments this year, and they are both due to my Husband. Once, I'll admit, I was laughing at him (he did too) and another time it was fits of laughter together over nothing special, just something funny we shared. Those are definitely some of the best times.

Aha?

As we near the end, a reminder of the Best of '09 exercise: Gwen Bell's Blog
I feel like I've talked about a lot of the same things over and over again during this best of December exercise.
Getting myself a great new job
Being open to new experiences in my life
Remaining confident in who I am and what I can do

Maybe my aha moment of 2009 is going to be looking back on these and realizing how much I can accomplish in a year, maybe this looking back exercise is going to provide it for me, maybe.

Earlier

A friend told me that to train herself to get up in the morning and write she just started setting her alarm a little bit earlier everyday. She probably told me this a few months ago. It just sunk in what a brilliant idea it is and exactly what I need to do to start making morning work outs part of my routine. It also donned on me, that she is doing this so she can write in the mornings and I would do it to exercise in the mornings. I guess that's where my priorities lie right now. I enjoy writing, I think I'm good at writing, I go through phases of focused writing. Right now, I'm not placing it in my top priorities. This is way having blogs, yes multiple, is a wonderful thing. I can still keep writing in my life.

Sometimes I feel guilty about my priority list. I shouldn't do that. It isn't worth it. When I'm ready. Life is short, and you should live each day to its fullest, but I also feel that you shouldn't live each day as a test of how much you can do and accomplish to make yourself be the person you think you want to be, or should be, or others want you to be. Living in the present means being present. This is turning in to a post of cliches, so before it does I'll sign off. And go live by going to bed. A girl needs her sleep!

Off Week

Sometimes, life gets in the way of writing, but I want writing to be a part of my life. So I'm sitting here with a blank blogger post open and am just going to go for it, no "blog" intent- just the intent to write.
When I was home in June between jobs I made an inspiration board, I cut out pictures and colors and fabrics from design magazines and pinned them together to represent an aesthetic that pleases me and one I'd like to incorporate someday in to my home. I suppose it can also inspire me to write. I can look at it and just feel inspired to create. I should look at it and feel that. That's why I propped it in front of me on my desk. Speaking of desks, I long for a real one, with a real chair. Just sayin'.
I think I took this week off from being driven in my life. I didn't really exercise, I didn't eat that well and I didn't do much outside of work. I was driven at work, for the most part, but looking back it was an off week. And, I'm happy about that. I needed it. Thank God it was paired with a CFW. I really needed this weekend, to rehydrate. I love the summer, I love all the activities and chances to be outdoors and living life to the fullest. However, it is draining in the end. No wonder Fall and Winter come next with the desire to cuddle up indoors with warm mugs in your hands and a long book by your side. We've had our AC on constantly this past week, and I'm sick of the noise. I want to be outside in a corduroy coat with Matt's warm hand in mine as we enjoy the crisp air. I'm ready for a little bit more R&R in my daily life, my day to day. I want to open the window and feel a cool breeze and listen to the wind chimes in the yards behind us. Last Fall I had nothing but time, I came down from the high of the wedding and honeymoon with the chance at a lot of R&R, although it wasn't really relaxing with finding a job stress thrown in. Regardless, this year I need to balance a full summer with a full life and thank God for that, I just need to figure out how.

Early Morning Thoughts

I used to wake up with 15 minutes to get ready. I'd roll out of bed, after hitting the snooze 2 or 3 times, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and go.
Now, I give myself at least an hour to get ready, sometimes only a 1/2 hour. I like to let myself slowly wake up, slowly come to terms with the day, the moments, the time I'm in.
I drink my glass of FRS, I check my email, I look at my Google Reader, I pick out my clothes, you get the idea.
It kind of feels more grown up this way. I like the feeling of being up early in the morning, it makes me feel more productive, knowing how many hours I've put towards the day.
At some point this may get even earlier, when I have a longer commute and when there are children in my life who insist on early mornings. So right now, I'll cherish that I can sleep till 7:30 and I won't think too much about the days when I used to get up at 9 and get to work by 10.

Show and Tell

I've been buzzing around lately, and it feels good. I'm filling up my summer weekends, and it feels exciting. I'm looking forward and enjoying everyday (well most of everyday), and it feels right.

Just wanted to share that.

Rambling on a Mac

I'm trying out my Bro's new MacBook so I feel like doing something where I get to use the keyboard a lot because I really like the feel of it. So you lucky readers get a blog post since I don't have any emails to respond to and facebook and twitter are boring me.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table. An Orchid my Mom got when she had surgery the year before my Dad died is blooming again after 3+ years. It is beautiful. 8 or so flowers, white in the center with soft pinks on lining the edges of the flowers.
I talked to a co-worker about loving Orchids today. He spoke about a friend's father that grew them when he was younger and all the different plants he had and what he did to take care of him. I referenced the Orchid Thief and he chuckled. I felt good. I am by no means an expert, but I love the plants and it felt kind of like I was admitted to the club to be able to make a reference to the book that went over well. It makes me want to buy another orchid and not kill it this time. I have a green thumb, but I can't seem to keep them alive. I know it has more to do with my apartment than me and I'm not willing to invest in a heat lamp.
I had a massage today at work (brought in a massage therapist to give massages to employees for $1/minute to help her raise money for team in training) that hurt, in a good way. She really worked out some shit in my shoulders, I feel lighter.
I'm looking forward to going back to Yoga next week, I want to do a couple more beginner classes and then get in to the hot power yoga. yeah!
Ramble ramble- I love this Mac keyboard. Time to sign off though.
Goodnight!

Focus!

I can't focus. I stare at the screen and can't pick one thing to do. I'm a little jumpy. Maybe it is that I haven't had a good hard workout in a few days, maybe it is feeling like I need a real day off. Who knows. What I do know is that I can't focus.
I have something to work on that I enjoy, that is very HRey and yet I still can't even focus on that! I want to putter around the internets and kill time. I want to go walk around SoHo and spend money I don't have. Actually, I don't want to do that, but in the past I would!
I want something delicious to drink, and something crunchy to munch on. I want to be working closer to him so my commute isn't so long.
I want to not be working at all, or working for myself.
I want it to be Spring and for my ears to not still be thawing after the walk to work.
Yeah, maybe that is what this all comes down to. I'm going stir crazy because my body is ready for it to be Spring, and that weather out there is NOT Spring weather.
I wish I could say I feel better. But I don't. I'm going to go walk around the office with purpose so it looks like I have something to do, but really it is just an excuse to get up from my unfocused desk.

$9 bottle of wine

TGIF.
I've always had good luck on Friday the 13th. Today wasn't one of those days. I think I need to chalk it up to not letting myself just float through the moments, not letting myself sit back and let things unfold. Letting myself feel to much emotion for inconsequential things, letting myself hold on to things too closely and too harshly.
I came home with a $9 bottle of wine from Best Cellars. It was delicious and light and just what I needed. A quick shot to the head of wine. Perfect.
I came home to a husband who always calms me, relaxes me, helps me melt the day away... just with his presence.
I came home and immediately felt better.
I drew in my journal- mostly just lines and symbols. It helped.
I signed up for indeed.com alerts. That helped too.
I may be being reactive, but maybe doing it now is actually proactive. I think my fear stems from someone else being reactive, but better for me to stay out ahead of it, right? Even if it is just nonsense. Sorry to be vague, I just don't want to get in to that stuff here, and it is nothing serious- so don't worry.
I have a cup of tea brewing in front of me. Yogi bedtime calm. It tells me, "By honoring your words, you are honored." So, here I am using my honored words to honor myself.
I will have a lovely and relaxing weekend, that will be honoring myself.
TGIF

Thoughts on a rainy night

Tonight I came home and sulked. I was all of a sudden worn out by how fast the day went and did not want to go to they late spin class which meant late dinner and late relaxation time (now there is only 45 minutes left until my 10:00 show which means just before bedtime show).

I stood in the living room with my shoulders all droopy and moped. Matt was already in his comfy clothes and I just wanted to curl up next to him.
He got up and gave me a hug and encouraged me to go, well done Husband of mine.
So I went out in to the cold rain and headed to class.
Spin, Spin, Spin
She finished 5 minutes early- and I was so close to calling her on it! I schlepped all the way there for a shortened class!?
At least I got there, right?
And, we just had breakfast for dinner, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Tonight is a night that I wish we had a TV in the bedroom, because I would brush my teeth and get right in and fall asleep watching it.
It makes me miss my room on Charnwood Rd. I loved being cozy in my big bed in my big room watching TV at night.
Although sometimes the TV would stay on way too late in to the night and I would end up watching shows like the 1/2 Ton woman or something else ridiculous on TLC. Really, The Learning Channel? More like the who can we exploit for entertainment channel.(WCWEFEC)
Anyway, Matt can't sleep with it on so that would save me there.
Someday...

What do I do?

I've been trying to blog daily, that clearly isn't happening. I think I put too much pressure on myself to really write something, and it doesn't have to be that, right?

My days are filled with a lot of nothing lately, which makes writing something even easier, and yet harder.

Here's a typical day:

9:00-9:30 wake up, check email, check google reader, check facebook,
10:00-11:00 watch Ellen, eat breakfast
11:00- TBD recheck reader, email and facebook a lot, talk to Jen on gchat, wish I had something to do, apply to jobs maybe twice a week since there are NONE
1:00 eat lunch
4/5/6- work out
7:00 make dinner (at least I'm cooking more now that I'm back at Weight Watchers and have time to do it)
8:00-11:00 watch TV

I think my brain is atrophying. Luckily Saturday and Sunday mornings are usually spent reading the Times.

I know most of you 9-5ers are reading this and thinking, that is my dream day! And it is my dream day too, just not after a good month and 1/2 doing it everyday. You don't miss your water...

I once had a hope that I'd have a job by November 1st. I'm just hoping I know about the job on my radar by December 1st.

Okay- to end this on a fun note. Here's what I'm watching and loving lately:

Ellen (seriously, she's funny!)
House Hunters (always)
Tim Gunn's Guide to Style (it makes me think more about what I wear)
Top Chef (so fun that they are in NYC!)
Gossip Girl (how could you not enjoy this guilty, guilty pleasure!)
ABC Sunday Nights (They make for great watching on Monday mornings when I'm thinking, shit another week of nothing)
And secretly, I feel really bad about this, but I'm loving the Pick Up Artist on VH-1. These geeky, awkward, shy, inexperienced, lost cause, men just pull at your heart strings.

Back to the couch!

Thursday

I've been horrible at blogging lately. Lots of stuff going on, as evident from my previous post.
Last weekend I got to escape it all in the lovely company of dear friends and the Long Island Wine Region. The green grass, grape trees, blue sky and bright white fluffy clouds gave me a much needed day of relaxation. The wine helped too.
Sunday I found myself depressed. Partially because the weekend was over, partially because I had to go back to reality.
This week wasn't easy either. Although I had two interviews, which makes me feel good about my job search and marketability as a candidate. Work was weird though, I felt odd being there, being a part of meetings where they are talking about things they need to learn from me and at the same time about the future of the company and jobs. I want to care and help, but I also don't want to. I'm also upset, and angry and annoyed at the whole situation.
I put on a happy face, I smile and say I'm looking at the silver lining- and I am. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't suck and it is totally weird to be at the company. I feel bad for the people staying on even longer.
It will be interesting to hear about how things are for the team after all 4 of us are gone and the work load remains somewhat the same.
I'll miss the people I work with and have forged relationships with. Although I wasn't there as long as I was at Shawmut- there is something to be said about the fact that 2 people from Shawmut are coming to the wedding. You become a huge part of someone's life when you work closely with them. Sometimes you see the people you work with more than your family, and it is always hard to say goodbye.
Change is always hard, and this month is full of it.

Thunder Storms of Summer

I remember when I was younger, laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and hearing adults out on our screened in porch laughing and watching the storms roll in. Maybe it was the sound of their merriment during the crackling booms of thunder that ingrained in me a sense of delight and not fear.
Tonight after the second storm rolled in to the Upper East Side, I could feel another brewing- and I got as close to a porch as I could, our fire escape, and turned my head up to the sky to watch the dark clouds sweeping by, to catch the glimpses of light piercing through the thick layers. The wind picked up and more and more drops hit my shoulders. I felt so alone standing out there, like no one else in the city was outside. I could see figures in windows around me, even the houses around me where dark and motionless. It felt good. The storms are soothing to me. I go back to that place of being safely tucked in, and I can hear the laughter around me.
I count every time I see the light flash, I know when the storm is getting closer. I can feel in the air when the rain will increase. Just as it did, I put my foot through the open window and stepped back in to my apartment.
I watch the breaks of light and relish in the cracks of thunder, even safer here, I know.

Musing on Breezes

I forgot my umbrella this morning, and then it didn't even matter. Every time I walked outside the sky was clearing a bit and the sun was poking through. I walked to the gym in my shorts and tank top with no jacket- it felt like spring/summer finally since I didn't have any place to put my phone or keys.
I love evenings like tonight's. Feeling the breeze through the open bedroom windows, walking to get dinner in pajamas that don't look like it because it is spring and you can wear lighter and softer things that go either way. Everyone was walking dogs, or meeting friends, people are more friendly, saying hello, giving their neighbor a smile.
I felt light and happy being outside in the early evening. The sun was starting to set, and the wind was picking up. I love the feel of a spring or summer breeze. As I laid in bed last night tossing and turning I tried to focus on how great it felt to be under just a sheet with the night wind blowing over me. I thought to myself that it might be one of my favorite feelings, but then my turning mind thought of many more feelings that could be favorites and I lost the moment. I got it back again tonight, walking down my block. It came back, the lightness, happiness, fulfillment and the safety in cycles, in this time of year returning again.

Absent

Lots of things whirling around, that I just don't feel like writing down flushed out. It is an interesting time of year for me. I love Spring, I love the renewal, the growth, the warmth, more sun, all of that. Spring will also always represent loss, sickness and anxiety. Every year in March and the beginning of April I relish in the things I love that begin to change with the season, and then as April turns to May I start to think more and more of my Dad. I feel the emotions I did when he was sick and dying, it doesn't matter if there is something I can attach them to or not.
Anyway- I guess it is the conflict of all of the above that stunts me. It's not like there is nothing going on in my head, I just don't feel like writing it down.
Stay tuned, I'll be back.
If you're new to the blog- check out the archives from April, May and June 06 to get a glimpse of what returns this time of year.

Yikes

What an anxious week this is turning out to be. So much uncertainty, well not really that much- but too much for this hyper-planning mind of mine. Is it Sunday yet?
Part of the problem is all the anxiety inducing "stuff" is on Thursday- a day so far in to the week that Monday and Tuesday although relaxed and easy, have been filled with stressful thoughts of Thursday. I haven't even enjoyed the chill time. I was so anxious last night I stayed up until 1 finishing a silly chic lit book, just to do something to occupy my racing mind.

And as I ease in to the remainder of my evening tonight, I'm looking forward to Wednesday even less, why can't it just be Thursday already?
Maybe if I plan my day out a bit it will help.

8:00 AM Wake up- Work out
10:00 AM Arrive at work
12:15 PM go to Doctor
2:00 PM Arrive back at work? (Here's where the stress begins, I don't know if I'll be back by then..)
6:30 PM Have wine tasting I've organized go off without a hitch

See, see that, those 4 hours where I have to go buy all the food for the tasting and do my work, that is if I have those 4 hours at all. My Doctor's appointment may run long, my Doctor's appointment may involve something invasive that deters me from even being able to go back to work.

OY

My lovely future husband just brought me a Klonopin. Thank God. I won't even get in to the fact that I'm running in a 5K on Saturday which in and of itself causes me anxiety. (Doesn't matter the race, the reason or my preparedness I get anxious)

Thursday

I was standing at the sink brushing my teeth this morning running through a list of things to write about and it became a list of my week thus far.

My sample sale and dinner night last night, walking back to Union Sq. feeling like I fit here.

Booking my spa day on Sunday, why I booked it, how I feel about it, etc.

Taking the time to soak my feet and exfoliate them a couple of nights ago but staring at my eyebrows every morning and night for the last week thinking how I have to pluck them and not doing it.

That last night I had to yell to Matt to come into the bedroom to kill a bug I saw, when if I was living alone I would have just gotten it up and done it myself.

Noticing the little routines I've started like, packing my gym bag each night, putting my clothes on the bed when I put on my sleep clothes, but only putting them away when I come in to actually go to bed.

How much fun I had spending all day Saturday in the park and how calm and light I felt walking back home along 5th later that day.

How with all of that sometimes I still feel like I'm just kind of floating through and not really living here. Like, is this it, am I living in NY? I guess its only been 3 months, but sometimes it still doesn't feel real to me, and yet when I look back on the list made up of just this weeks doings and thoughts, I am living here, this is my life now, those are my daily routines, and my comings and goings and how I'm living. This is it.
I mean its not IT, but I'm here, I'm doing it. Maybe I'm still in the adjustment period of the change, maybe in another few months it will really feel concrete and real, maybe not. I don't know if I really prefer it either way, cause I'm really happy and having a ton of fun and I don't think that will change either way and I do think that that is really what matters.

Swirling

I drive a little and then stop, taking the time to turn my head and look at the skyline to my left. The Empire State building stands out most for me, but I take it all in. Turning my eyes back to the traffic crossing the Whitestone Bridge to the tolls ahead. The sun bouncing off of cars around me, the snow shining icy in the light, the water, the cars, the skyline all swirling into my thoughts. The weekend. Seeing us sitting at dinner, seeing us walking out of apartments, already in agreement about what we'd seen, what we liked, what we didn't like. The traffic hardly even a bother as I sift through the thoughts.

I used to think, in the early parts of our relationship, will we really be able to keep finding things to talk about? Obviously we did, but it always baffled me. We always have/had something to talk about, we always keep each other entertained. I see us at dinner, sharing fondue, dipping pieces of food into a boiling pot and letting it cook, chatting as we wait, I don't even remember what about. Sharing sushi, talking about what we'll learn about each other when we live together, taken from Sex and the City- our secret single behaviors, and there isn't much we don't already know. How do we do it?

I think about moving, about what I'll bring, what I won't, packing up. I think about what I want the place to look like, what I've already fantasized it looking like in my head and trying to remind myself it won't be as good, maybe close. I inch further, realizing the back up is cars waiting to pay cash. Cash? Who pays cash at tolls anymore? I finally zip through and watch as the light changes, as the road changes from wide to the small tight compactness of the Merritt. The trees surrounding it bare and cold, the light sifting through them as it sets around my drive home.

Death Cab plays as my soundtrack, taking my thoughts to Dad, to death, to everything I've experienced and lived through, I'm sad, but then Mom calls and I'm not, I'm happy.

A friend at work told me about a time she was having a Reiki treatment done. She lay on the table, her mind blank except for this swirling image. After her treatment, she was speaking with the woman who'd done it and told her about the swirling image. The woman who had done her Reiki explained that she had seen the swirling, that her body had been giving that image off.

I wonder if mine is now.