Sunday, February 22


I was thinking today how for so much of the last 2+ years I've been waiting for the next big thing. I don't think I've really felt settled in a place since the first few years out of college, when life was just about taking this exciting new step and settling in to being a grown up. I had fun, I didn't think too much about the future and for most of my time in Somerville Matt was living nearby.

After my Dad died I concentrated on living in the moment, just being in that second and getting to the next. Then I decided to move to NY and everything was about getting there. Then I got here and everything was about getting a job. Then I got a job and next was getting engaged. We got engaged, then it was about the WEDDING. We got married!!! But we also got unemployed and it was about getting a job, if it hadn't have been about that, it would have been about getting a house. Now we're employed, and staying here for another year, but I don't feel the settled feeling I'd like to feel as a newlywed. I am blissfully happy with my husband, but not with my situation.
I want a house, I want a yard, I want to make a place ours, our first place.
I can't watch the new home shows on HGTV anymore because it makes me too anxious, too uncomfortable, too I want to be there and I can't be for my own good.
The timing isn't right for us, but the problem is it was and then that got screwed up because of losing jobs and a losing economy. It was supposed to be our time, and it isn't anymore and now I can't just sit with it and be happy where I am.
It is like I've been in this head first into the next thing phase for so long that I can't just sit back and be happy and settled. I want so badly to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing next. It is who I am. I am results oriented, I am driven, I go out and get it, which makes me a great employee and business woman, but is not always so great when I have to wait for the right time. The thing is I have patience, for many many things, but not for this.
How do I get back to just being in a moment and letting myself be? How do I just sit back and let things happy the way they will, not the way I want them too? There must be a flip I can switch somewhere, or is it not that easy? I have a feeling it's not.
When I'm sitting in a desk chair I'm usually leaning forward, I just realized that. Leaning in to the words, in to the computer, in to what I'm about to do next even though I haven't finished what is right in front of me.
Things are good right now. I have a husband I adore, who adores me. I have a job in an economy when they are scarce. I have my family and friends who are all healthy and happy. Things are good right now, and I need to start taking that in instead of jumping to a place where I think they might be better.
The grass is greener right below your feet.

Wednesday, February 11

You next to me

I have this issue that I am compelled to write about now since I'm presently dealing with it. I can't fall asleep unless Matt is home. And lately, now that we are on similar schedules it is hard for me to fall asleep without him in bed.
I guess it makes sense, when we weren't living together I had trouble falling asleep without talking to him before I went to bed.
I am a very independent woman, I think Matt and I have the appropriate and healthy level of co-dependency. We are married, after all. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that we want to spend as much time together as possible. Yet, sometimes it troubles me that I have this issue.

Tonight, for example, I intended to go to bed early, and all signs were pointing to this happening. I got in bed at 10:15 with my book and read for about 35 minutes. I felt sleepy so I turned off the light and tucked myself in. Then my mind starts racing, and I start listening for the door. Then I heard something fall and I thought, oh good he's home and he's just knocked something over. So, of course still being awake I got up. And, lo and behold he's not home and something just fell on its own. So now, I'm really up and I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep without him getting home. It is a mix of the comfort of him being in the bed with me and anxiety at his not being home and thus me not knowing he is safe.

I guess my being troubled comes from the place of it being inconvenient for me, among these other things. I wanted to get up early tomorrow and work out, and now when my alarm goes off at 5:45 it is less likely I will respond to it.

But as I think this through I have to remember how lucky I am to have a man I want next to me, to have someone to worry about and listen for at night, and most importantly who wants to be next to me each and every night for the rest of our lives.
Speaking of which, he just got home. Goodnight!

Saturday, February 7

2009 Visits Home in Polaroids

The Letter K

So a week or so ago brookem over at Skrinkering Hearts had a fun post. She had been assigned the letter S and had to list 10 things she loved that start with S. She offered to provide letters so her readers could do the same and I got a K.
If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

So here we go, 10 things I love, or like a lot or just like that begin with the letter K (it is harder than you think!)

1. Kiehl's: I haven't met a Kiehl's product I didn't love. I use their shampoo, their cuticle cream, their lotion, their lip balm and got Matt using their aftershave lotion. If I had more money to throw around, or any money, I would buy more Kiehl's products. For now, I'll stick to just the shampoo and cuticle cream and try to find cheaper options for the rest.

2. Knitting: I don't do it often, but when I do I always enjoy it and find myself feeling less stress and much more calm. I've been working on the same scarf for years, literally, so it really isn't something I do a lot, mostly because I often forget I have knitting I could do.

3. Special K with Red Berries: This is probably one of my favorite cereals. Love those tart dried red berries!

4. Kleenex: I know, this is a weird one. Seriously though, I love kleenex. I'm a big nose blower (which is funny since my Mom claims I didn't know how to blow my nose for a very long time). I have to have a clean and clear nose at all times or I feel weird. I always carry a small pack of kleenex in my purse, and I need a box in the bedroom and the living room.

5. Koalas: The animal I look like is a koala, so I have to like them. They are pretty darn cute, but not as cute as my number 6, and they can be mean little buggers. I kind of like that though.

6. Kittens: I'm a cat person and kittens will get me every time, the cuteness nearly kills me. I thing one of the things I have, am still having, the most difficulty adjusting to is that Matt is really allergic to cats and I'll never be able to have them.

7. Kisses: The Hershey kind and the real kind. Who doesn't love a good kiss? When Matt and I were first together everytime I kissed him I felt a little wave of excitement run through me. That's one of the ways I knew he was the one.

8. Kelly Clarkson: This girl can sing and she knows how to turn out the hits too. Who doesn't love belting out to "Since You've Been Gone"? And her new single, just as good if not better.

9. Kong, Donkey Kong: Probably my favorite Nintendo game. Playing and beating the Super Nintendo Donkey Kong downloaded to the Wii got me through unemployment.

10. Knives: Getting good kitchen knives from our registry was one of the things I was most excited for. It is so nice to have a sharp, good knife to prepare food. Seriously. So nice. In addition, another K from our registry that I love is our Kitchen Aid Mixer!

Well there you have it! That was hard, K is not an easy letter!
Also, tonight I updated all 3 of my blogs! Go me!
Tri Training Blog
Cooking Blog

Wednesday, February 4

Personal Day

So I'm in NH today to attend an awards ceremony where my Mom is one of 6 women to receive an Outstanding Business Woman of the Year award, very exciting.
Matt and I drove up last night after work, boy it is a lot easier driving North on a Tuesday night, there was no traffic.
This morning I woke up early to surprise my Mom, it was great.
So today is a personal day for me. Before I left yesterday I told my boss I'd check my email once or twice and she said, "No! Take the day." So I'm taking the day.
I read the paper this morning, well really I read Sunday's comics and did the world jumble. Then I ate some hearty oatmeal and went out for a lovely ski. Pictures and Video to follow tomorrow.
It is a beautiful winter day in NH. While I'm sad I didn't get to enjoy the snow covered City last night, I'm not missing slushing around in the remains today.
I think I'll have a cup of tea and keep enjoying my day.

Monday, February 2

Cop out, but I love lists!

Well, I don't have a blog really formed to write. I usually have something in my head when I sign in to blogger to post. But I was already logged out of my new email address so I figured it was easier to just log in to Blogger and post something. So, I'll take the easy way out and run off my thoughts list style. I love me some listing!

- I'm thinking more and more about moving this blog to wordpress, things are so much nicer over there, but the hassle of moving the blog would be a lot and I don't know if I can just pick up and leave all these posts behind...I've gone through a lot on this old blogger platform.

- Work is still crazy, although today wasn't as bad, thank God- I really tried hard to not let it be.

- I kicked ass in the 4 mile race I did on Sunday, and I'm so pumped about it because I had a stomach flu last week and didn't work out all week! However, after the race I cooked for a couple of hours, reorganized and cleaned our bedroom for our new dresser and then walked around a bunch and now my legs are tired!

- Speaking of our new dresser, I'm so pumped about it. We got this one from Ikea (splurged for the real wood!) and I'm so happy with it, it is so much more space, like I can't believe how much more space and the really great thing is I don't even want to go buy more clothes to fill the space, and I actually am getting rid of multiple pairs of shoes. It feels so good! (Truthfully for me getting rid of things always feels good, it is just that I usually quickly replace the things with new items). In addition, I went to Anthropologie today and bought new knobs for the dresser that were a steal on sale and look great, much better than the handles it came with. It really is making me feel better and better about staying here another year.

- I can't believe how warm it was these past two days, it makes me yearn so much for Spring. Tease.

- I just found out a friend is pregnant with her 3 child and I'm so darn excited for her, and for myself to get to watch her go through the pregnancy and then get to experience, for the 2nd time, watching her raise him or her. It has been such a pleasure getting to see it happen with her youngest.

Okay, that's about it for now. I have a post forming of my 10 favorite things that begin with K- thanks to Brooke S at Shrinkering Hearts so be on the look out!