Thursday, November 22
Tuesday, November 20
I don't remember how I felt leading up to Thanksgiving last year, I think a bit of dread and some worry. Looking back I see how I was preparing myself to be the adult. And, as it turns out, I was. Mom and I talked briefly about last year this weekend and I was reminded at some of ways the day panned out that weren't to be thankful for and how parentified I was at that moment in time. That has shifted, greatly, and I'm both thankful for it and anxious thinking about what it means in the process, it means I'm processing more- and I am.
But, regardless, I have found myself looking forward to this Thanksgiving for weeks. Maybe it marks a milestone, the shift of looking forward to holiday's that were so typically centered on family. During the period of anticipation I have found myself feeling more sad and letting myself feel more sad, it most likely has something to do with events that surrounded the last few weeks, but nonetheless I've been sad and happy and excited at celebrating a holiday, a holiday that Dad is still no longer a part of.
I'm looking forward to setting the table, mashing the potatoes, baking the pies, checking the turkey, drinking the good wine, having Matt with us, the bonfire, taking pictures, seeing my family, gushing about wedding planning, waking up and having the dining room already full of people eating leftover pie for breakfast, running in the clean fall air, the possibility of snow, and remembering it all next year with excitement for doing it again.
Tuesday, November 13
Monday, November 12
It’s hard work growing up, and sometimes harder still when you see someone else trying to, working at it, realizing it. And there’s nothing you can do but tell them- “It’s going to be okay- you’re going to get through this, it’s tough now but somehow you survive and come out better on the other end.”
It’s hard watching people you love make the same mistakes and worry about the same things you did, and they just have to. There isn’t anything you can do to fix that for them, you’re just not allowed to. Everyone has to live through these experiences to get to the next level, to grow up, to wisen up, to mature.
I want to reach out and just make it better, but I can just be here and remind him of that, a couple of times at least, because you know those 21 year Male brains can’t hold on to that much.
I had an epiphany the other day, that I need to stop trying to control everything around me all the time. It was only while having the epiphany that I started to realize how much I really am trying to control things, all the time. And I have to change that, I have to step back and let things happen how they will, I can’t always have my hand on each wheel making sure we are on the path I want to be on. Sometimes I have to let go and just sit back, and know that however it turns out, big and small, I’ll be okay.
I believe it is a fall out from loss and grieving that has made me try to control the world around me even more tightly. I lost and that means I didn’t have control, I don’t have control and that fear becomes the drive, passion, the lust for it back. And as I started to fully grieve again more recently I tried harder to grasp on to what I could and tightly control it. But I realized, during said epiphany that losing is partially hard because you realize what you don’t have control over- and when things don’t go the way you’ve tried to force them to go disappoint is paramount. If I keep trying to tightly control everything I can, won’t I just grieve that much harder when things don’t go my way? Aren’t I just pushing back the grief and filling the space with the obsession with control? If I’m going to truly process and move to whatever next step there is, don’t I have to try and let myself give in to the lack of control? To honor and recognize that there are many things you can control and while there are things you can, most times you shouldn’t try too hard to control everything, especially the little things like your Fiancée making dinner plans with his parents that get you home later than you had planned for, because when you let go and let things happen how they will sometimes you find that everyone around you is happier, because they are all getting a say too.
Now I’m recognizing all the things I’ve been trying to control, now I can stop myself. I found myself calling out, “Yes!” when the JP at Jen’s rehearsal stood where I wanted him too (Other people had suggested he stand there) and my friends turned and laughed at me. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said as I put my hand over my mouth and through my mind ran the words, “I’m crazy!” There was a woman at the rehearsal that kept calling out to the JP and telling him what to do, we talked about who we thought she was and one friend said, “Adrienne she’s you when you get older.” “You’re right,” I said although I wanted to deny it. But I can change that now. I don’t want to see myself as growing up to become a controlling woman who can’t keep her desire to make things ‘just so’ to herself. I want to give great ideas when they’re asked for, and be in just enough control to be successful and balanced. But I’m not balanced now, too much control doesn’t allow for that, or too much attempt at control. I’m getting there though.
Being able to sit back and watch and help when I can, and when it makes sense, as my little brother grows up in the way he needs to is a good step in that direction.
Sunday, November 11
Watching their faces light up at seeing each other
Seeing the tears and laughter during the ceremony
Watching them dance together for the first time
The large smile that didn't leave his face all night
That wherever she was that night, he was close behind
The joy that everyone in the room held for them
Knowing that this is only the beginning for them.
The crisp fall air
The orange setting sun during the ceremony
The rocky top mountain filled with greens and burnt oranges
The white golf carts that we brought her to the ceremony on
The warm candles that filled the room
Red gems, red lanterns and red drinks that gave the evening a warm glow
The stone platform we circled and watched as they said "I will"
The blue sky
The shiny wood floor our feet met all night
Just some of the things that made the weekend fabulous
Thursday, November 1
I was really excited for this show, a bit apprehensive about the type of crowd that would be there, and curious about my first Ryan Adams show. I'd heard good and bad things about his performances and I was hoping for good.
We timed our arrival perfectly and I was starting to get hopeful that this would surely be a treat.
A few songs in and I was really enjoying myself. Ryan sounded wonderful and he was into some trippy space jams a la The Grateful Dead which I was enjoying.
Then things started to shift. A long and lean couple inched their way into a space near us and stood intertwined, limbs, lips, everything. Annoying. Then the couple in front of us started to move around, a lot, they were talking constantly and if they weren't talking they were shifting positions, or one was going to get beers or hit the bathroom. They were already taller than me and I kept having to tilt my head or body so I could still see the stage. Why couldn't they just stand still and watch the show? Weren't they here to see the show? Then the woman next to me continued to swig from a flask her boyfriend kept producing and as she got more drunk her insistence to find a friend named Boggy grew and when that friend finally found them after much waving of arms and lit up cell phones the show was much less important, they had conversation to get in. Then the group behind us became whole and decided that when Ryan wasn't singing or playing songs they knew, it was okay to talk. No, it is actually not okay annoying people- because some people, you know maybe 1 or 2 of the 200 others in this venue actually did pay to hear Ryan Adams, not the dull roar of your conversations.
I have this problem, sometimes, when if something really starts to bug me or get under my skin I can't let it go, I can't brush or shake if off, it stays with me, sticks with me, creeping in under my skin, getting in my head, getting to me. It was bad on Halloween night. I got more and more miserable the more time went on, the little stupid things started to get to me, and I couldn't let any of it go. All these "tricks" getting to me.
When Ryan went off the stage for a break between sets, I turned to Matt and he gave me the permission I needed without saying a word. We had to push hard to get ourselves out of the ballroom, and I thought, "Thank God I'm getting out of here I bet the second set would have been so much more miserable for me."
As we left, a security woman asked, "How was the show?" I responded quickly with, "He was great, the crowd sucked." And she nodded as if she could tell, she's worked shows before she knows how to spot a bad crowd when she sees one, and she had a sense that the one inside this venue was there to have a crazy Halloween night.
I thanked Matt the whole way home, and he just kept saying, "It's not a problem, I wouldn't have been happy staying if I knew you weren't happy, I really don't mind leaving." And that constant reminder that I have someone on my side in these things, someone who helps draw what gets under my skin out with his support and genuine desire for me to be happy was my treat.