I downloaded Scrabble on my phone the other day. It is a great game to play on the train, but dame the hard setting is hard- the words the computer spits out are ridiculous! So when I had the opportunity to put an S on a 5 letter word and start that on a Triple Word score, I had to go for it. I had: FGTASUO. Now, if you know Scrabble you know that the G and the F are both high score tiles, so immediately I though of fags, like the slang for a cigarette. But there was this guy, sitting next to me, and I knew he had been watching my last few turns- and why not, I would have if the situation had been reversed- and I felt completely embarrassed to put down fags- he would think I was homophobic. (I care wayyy too much about what complete strangers think of me!) But, I went for it- because the computer was kicking my ass and I wanted the points! Turns out fags isn't a scrabble word on the phone version. To top it off, the computer got a Bingo on the next turn.
Thursday, January 31
You get depressed, so you eat because that comforts you in the moment. Then you feel bloated and fat for days, and get more depressed so any motivation, or momentum of getting "back on track" with your healthy eating (really, it's not a diet, I do want to change my eating habits) loses steam and you eat more, and then you are more depressed. OY
So- what else can you do? You exercise! Back in spinning on Tuesdays with a kick ass instructor, that will get you back on track. But then Wednesday you get a migraineish weird headache and go home and hide from the gym. But Thursday, oh Thursday you are back on track- you decided with a co-worker to go spinning every Thursday, you can't let her down- you head to spinning, excited at the prospect of having spun twice in one week, especially since you ate fries after Tuesdays session...
But then during the class your legs loose steam, you feel totally drained and your eyes just want to close. You try and kick yourself back in to action- but to no avail, you're wiped. Although you get through the session, walking home brings thoughts of comfort food, ooh like Chinese which the restaurant you're walking by right now serves and those Scallion Pancakes are calling your name.
The cycle is slowing though, you can feel it- your back in it, almost there, even though it is national popcorn day you aren't making any!
Maybe I should replace those yous with I's, eh?
Saturday, January 26
Lately I've been sad, but not so much sad about what I'm missing with him gone. I'm sad about what he is missing. Last night on the way home, I stared out the window of the car, letting Jerry's voice fill my mind and started making a list, and after the tears had dried and I lay in my old room that night trying to sleep I added more to the list.
The Presidential race
Snow this winter, and clear blue skies to sky under
My space and place in NYC
My place of employment
Planning my wedding
My wedding dress, and the shopping process
Cake tasting at Jacques
Movies from that last 20 months, including Miami Vice, Casino Royale, maybe some of the Hugh Grant films, Once, Juno, X Men, Fantastic 4 and many other cute/bad/action/funny movies he would have rented
Music from the last 20 months, including Radiohead, Ryan Adams, The National, Andrew Bird
TV from the last 20 months, Curb, The Wire, Weeds (I guess HBO and Show time from the last 20 months)
The Patriots perfect season
The Red Sox winning the World Series again
The Celtics, oh the Celtics
I finally learned to make my own Cappuccino (Although if he was still here I probably wouldn't have)
Running the reservoir in Central Park
Going to the Met
Exploring photography with me
Dark Chocolate M&M's
Homemade fleece blankets
Making a loop from Olde Canturbury Road to Coe Farm Road on XC Skis
Sailing in NY
Us, all of us.
Friday, January 18
As I walked quickly towards the turnstiles that would exit me out on Broadway and E. Houston I saw a young man lugging an enormous suitcase up the stairs from the B,D, F, V platforms. Then just behind him was a older overweight woman lugging herself up the stairs. The young man quickly set the suitcase down, nodded slightly and began walking towards the turnstiles with me. I heard the woman say, "Thank You."
I thought of how nice it was that he helped her, and wondered if she had asked or he had offered. He appeared to be wanting to escape back in to the persona he was going for, mostly thuggish- big baggy sweat shirt, oversized checkered Yankees hat, eyes turned down, overall slouch and baggy jeans with untied sneakers. But he kept looking back, checking on the woman. As we started to ascend the stairs out of the station he looked back one more time, and I could read his face for that split second. I saw his struggle to want to go back and help her again, his question if anyone else would help her up this next set of stairs that she clearly couldn't manage on her own. He quickly turned his head back to the stairs he was climbing and pulled his hood up.
But I know his secret, and the secret that many people (not everyone, but most I think) carry. There is goodness in all of us.
Wednesday, January 16
I'm a total blank slate lately. I want to write, I want to be creative and thoughtful and yet- nothing is coming to me.
I've been devouring chic-lit, maybe it is contributing to my dry creative well. Not that there's anything wrong with chic-lit.
There are some other things on my mind besides how Darcy is going to change in to a better person in "Something Blue".
I'm interviewing a prospective Clark student on Monday as part of her application process. I feel so old. How could I really be qualified to do this? To help Clark in some tiny way make a decision about this Senior in High-School makes me feel old, and adult like. I guess that's a good thing.
I'm dress shopping on Saturday. I'm excited to look for and hopefully find the dress that will make me feel bridal and comfortable and elegant all at the same time. I put off the shopping to lose weight, and I did lose a little, but the holidays did me in man- and even though Matt's mom told me that I look great and she's so excited to watch me try on dresses I feel like a heifer (I'm sorry this is so typical, omg I'm soo fat- but I told you, I've got nothing!) and I don't feel like trying on dresses that are woefully already too small and feeling even more fat. Maybe it is time to hire a personal trainer- which brings me to my next I've got nothing rant
I've got no money. This one I actually feel on top of and in control of. The holiday's did me in on this front too- but I'm back in charge and not eating out a lot, passing up on ski trips and group outings to spas to save up. I started looking in to hotels in Hawaii, and we are going to have to really save to afford the trip- which I think will be well worth it. I can't wait to have two incomes!
I surprise my self daily with how happy and in love Matt and I are, not that I ever doubted us or our relationship- but damn it feels good to be as giddy and excited as we are about each other everyday. Last week on the day of my companies holiday party, I went to the bathroom and while peeing (is that TMI?) I found myself smiling and getting excited that Matt was meeting me at the party later and I'd get to spend the night with him, and introduce him to people. Most nights all I want to do as the clock creeps towards 6 is rush home and be next to him on the couch. I'm so damn lucky.
Thursday, January 3
The snow is light and fluffy, but about knee deep, the tracks come easily, yet up hill is a work out like none other. The trees are still covered in snow in here, the wind not yet reaching into the forest to force the snow down, making you feel like it is snowing all over again. I can see closed buds, still reaching towards the sun, preparing for Spring already.
Deer tracks come in to the trail and I follow them, thinking of Mom's story of seeing one bound across the trail, the only one of her three co-skiers to see him run across their path, "Our eyes were down."
The last time we were out here we called it Deer Highway, seeing countless tracks and places where they had laid down, spent a night, weary from the winter, dreaming of Spring.
We reach the end of our trail, for the second time, a rock Mom and Dad used to walk to, marking Ye Olde Canterbury Road. They used to travel this on horse back, I think each time.
"It's so beautiful out here."
"Daddy would have loved this, it's so weird that he's not here."
"I was thinking about the last time we were all out here and we skied up to the clearing and were talking about a wedding, about what kind of flowers I might have."
"And now he's just gone." Now that I'm actually planning a wedding, I think.
We push off with our poles and fly back over our now well tracked trail, all down hill from here.
A winter wonderland.