I cried during my run this morning.
My route took me through the Mall, and as I entered the shelter of the American Elms I thought of how I exercise, and participate in endurance events for Dad. I do it because he cannot, I do it to honor him and make him proud. I do it for him and I do it for me. I connect with him.
There I was running under these majestic trees, converging of city and nature of hard lines and twisted branches. The tears just came, my heavy breathing and beating feet couldn't hold them back. I felt him, standing at the end of the Mall cheering me on. Every bench I ran by I thought, I could just stop and sit down and cry and then finish my work out. But I pushed on. I fixed my gaze on where he'd stand, right at the end of the row, right under the last canopy of trees. His smiling face, his hands clapping, all for me.
When I turned the corner back on to the East Side drive, I left the magic behind me. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and I looked ahead.
Its real life, this mixing of here and gone, body and soul, reality and magical thinking. It is a part of my real life. And then I got a taste of it even more, the real world, when I was stopped 50 feet later to allow pedestrians to cross in front of me to claim their seats in the Bandshell for Oprah in New York.
It was real life, and real life in the park this morning.
Friday, September 18
I cried during my run this morning.
Thursday, September 10
A regular read of mine is Brookem over at Skrinkering Hearts and her post today was not only a great way to push yourself to blog, but a well crafted little essay producer by one her fav blogs. Well enough crafted that I'm taking it and using it!
Here it is- a Fall Meme:
1. It’s not fall in NYC (or your city of origin) until you: don't sweat disgustingly when waiting for the Subway. Seriously, though- I think this applies for most cities in the NE- when you walk outside and feel that crispness in the air, the same crispness you feel biting in to a freshly harvested apple. Mmm I want to go apple picking, it is fall!
2. Kelly Preston’s character in the movie For Love of the Game expresses her need to escape NYC because “Summer’s almost over, and I feel like I missed it.” What do you need to do in the waning days of summer for it to feel complete? This is an interesting one, because I'm not the type that feels I need to soak up a season in order to feel like I haven't missed it. I think the one thing I need to do to feel like a Summer is complete is go to Squam Lake, so done and done.
3. The person I know is wrong for me but about whom I frequently think after a break-up is? I don't really think this question applies to me since I've been with the same person for 9+ years, but in the past I would always think about my longtime school crush- not that he was wrong for me, but he was just someone always in my mind when I wasn't in a relationship. Again, this was 10 years ago...
4. The US Tennis Open, one of four Grand Slam events in that sport, is currently in the quarterfinal round. If you could only attend one major sporting event what would it be? The Superbowl, I love football!
5. Assuming that you write an anonymous or partially anonymous blog, by what non-physically identifying characteristics might you be identified in a bar? Not anonymous at all, but people who read this who don't know me, could probably id me by my personality, I think it comes across very strongly in this blog and how I write.
6. Most blogs cover some sort of niche – personal, political, dating, culinary, etc. What topic, if any, would you like to address on your blog but doesn’t fit into your niche? Ooh, this is a tough one, I guess something that I love to chat about and read about is thoughts/opinions/reactions for TV Shows, good, bad and reality.
7. If you could manipulate the time space continuum and give as many as three pieces of advice to a younger version of yourself, what advice would you give and to what age of you?
14 Year Old Self: This is NOT the most important part of your life, these are not the most important people in your life. Let yourself live these experiences freely, and stop worrying so much about what people think of you and trying too hard. Explore your environment, dig in to what you love no matter what others may think, be yourself and let yourself be without too many external factors altering you.
18 Year Old Self: You're beautiful, young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't sweat the small stuff, and don't let others bring your down
24 Year Old Self: Take it all in now and cherish these moments, shits about to hit the fan. But you'll get through it, remember how strong you are, and come out the better for it.
8. Who among your friends do you really wish had a blog because their stories, or perspective on something ought to be shared? My husband! Do it up Bay!
9. If you were to take an e-cation (vacation from the trappings of our electronic world,) and assuming that employment obligations would allow it, how long of a break could you take? What would you miss the most, the least? This is so hard, I think I could last a couple of months, maybe. I'd really miss the connectedness I feel (maybe I'll be giving my age advice in 10 years saying, get off the internet that's not the most important part of your life!). I'm much more of an email person than a phone person so it is how I communicate with my friends who don't live in NY- I'd miss them! I think I could go a couple of months though, and in fact I think it would be really really good for me.
10. On September 11th of this year, I will be attending a couple of parties and am somewhat conflicted by the fact that this ignoble anniversary shall pass with it being just another day in the eyes of many (and in some ways my own eyes as well.) Thoughts? I can relate to this on the level of what May 7th, the anniversary of my Dad's death means to me, I think some years it won't stand out and some it will extremely, but it is how I choose to honor it that matters. It is hard to not just keep plugging along and look at it as any other day, and in the same respects it is hard to not think about what the day means and how it affects a lot of people. I think you have to approach it and treat it the way that makes the most sense for you, personally. I don't agree with, at this point, things being forced on people. There are some for who this day doesn't have a great impact, and some for who it is the hardest day of their year- it is an extremely personal thing and I don't think anyone should be judged for how they honor it or what it means to them.
11. How high are your walls? Who was the last person to scale them? What tools should would-be climbers have on their belt? I have very low walls, but they aren't always easy to get over. You can see over them, sure, but to get at what is on the other side, not so easy. I don't do any guarding on purpose, it is just who I am. I am a very interesting mix of my parents in that way. I'm an introvert with high extrovert skills- so you know who I am and what I'm about, but to get inside, not always so easy. I've had managers in the past who told me I was an enigma- I think that's a good way to describe my walls. You think you know me and who I am, but then all of a sudden you question it. I don't know why or how I do it though... honestly.
12. The sexiest thing a wo/man can say to you (or has said to you) is? Tell me I'm beautiful.