Boston

As I drove into Cambridge on Route 2, I instinctively looked to my right to watch as Boston came in to view. There was something slightly mellow and maybe a bit depressing playing in the car and a heavy sense of nostalgia came over me which was soon followed with layers of sadness and longing.
I miss Boston, I miss the social network I had there, the dailyness of my life, how easy it was to jump in my car and head anywhere. But, I only miss it when I'm there. I'm happy in New York. Very happy. I have new social networks, I have my dailyness and routines and most importantly Matt and I are together, finally.
When I'm in Boston, I think of what I miss, who I miss and what my last year in Boston was like which brings up the feelings of grief.
Matt and I stopped in Boston on the way home for Labor Day weekend and I got a drink with friends, it felt great. We danced to a semi-bad band, we drank good beer and wine and caught up in person. As we left, heading to NH for the weekend I was filled with longing for more. More weekend nights with old friends which always left me feeling fulfilled. As the cab drove us from Brighton to the North End this weekend I found myself in the front seat and as he went through the tunnel in the lane I would drive in every evening on my way home from work to Somerville I flashed to that time in my life, and missed it... not necessarily the job, but just...it.
As soon as we got back to NY after Labor Day, I began weekly girls' nights with bad shows and good convo, started class, and kept a full schedule and felt good.
But now again, I'm missing my friends who I spent a weekend with full of fun, food, dancing, drinks and a few tears (a typically bachelorette party weekend I think). I'm missing who I was in Boston, but not unhappy with who I am in NY. It is an odd thing for me to feel and balance, I'm sad in this moment...yet in general really happy. I'm feeling like I'm missing someone or something, or both...and yet I'm totally fulfilled with my life here.
The drive back propelled me into these thoughts...the light filtering through changing colored trees on the Meritt, the cool air, the layering of clouds on bright blue sunny sky. I love fall, but I do find I'm always much more thoughtful in fall...and I suppose dear reader you'll benefit from that.

Cool Hunting for Fall

So it's been awhile since I wrote about some fun new products/things I've been loving- but it doesn't mean I haven't been finding them here are some of the highlights!

1. Band-aid Blister Block- This stuff is genius. Sure it looks like a mini deodorant stick and when you put it on in public people stare, but it works. I've used it many a time this summer on shoes that usually give me blisters and for the most part I've been blister free! The only time it does not work is if you already have one developing, which is clearly warns you of on the box. Seriously, this stuff was a fantastic find and really does work! Try it!

2. Mr. Clean Wipes- So we all already know what a big fan I am of the Magic Eraser and in the past I tended to lean towards the Clorox Wipes, but I have to admit, I like the Mr. Clean wipes better. They come out of the container much more smoothly, they have ridges for really getting stuff cleaned and just feel a little tougher, how could you not with an image like that on your products!

3. Downy Wrinkle Releaser- Okay, so I haven't actually used this product yet, but I'm so excited to try it. I saw a commercial for it recently and the next day ran to Duane Reade to pick it up, alas they didn't have it! I'm so excited for the next Target trip to pick it up- and if anyone has used it, what do you think??

4. Al Fresco Chicken Sausages- I love these chicken sausages. LOVE. They are quick and easy to cook, taste great and are healthy! An added bonus is that Matt who doesn't like sausages really enjoys the buffalo flavor which makes it even easier for us to have these for dinner at least once a week. YUM.

5. Lilla P Sweater- I recently got (aka stole) one of the new Lilla P sweaters from my Mom and I'm obsessed with it, I think I'd wear it everyday if I could. It is the perfect fall wrap, and honestly the kind of wrap I've been looking for! It is soft, comfortable, breathable and you can wear it a ton of different ways. Best of all, I get complimented on it constantly. I love it. All of their clothes quickly become favorite pieces, honestly.

Photography 101

I went back to school last night. As I left work, on the way to class, I realized how unprepared I was. I should have brought a backpack, instead I was carrying my purse and a notebook and pen, but maybe that's how its like in school now. As I thought about my lack of preparedness I realize it was because I was a little nervous about doing this and thus I ignored it and did not accurately prepare. Its not like I enrolled in an MBA, or any kind of a program, its a one time thing, a photography class so I can learn more about the technical aspect of taking pictures and become better at something I think I'm already pretty good at.
I left work a little early, anxious about getting there on time, and was there too early. A bunch of us stood around in the hallway leaning against lockers waiting to get into the class room. Finally one guy just pushed the door open and we realized not only was it not locked, there was no one in the room. A typical first night of class move, no one wants to take the initiative in the first place, and as soon as one person is just standing outside the class room everyone will be.
The room was crappy, I'm not going to sugar coat it. I was kind of expecting a more "state of the art" facility. Clean, roomy, white boards, overhead projectors, camera equipment, nice desks. This was the opposite. Tags all over the black board (yes, black board and chalk), tags on the desks, trash from other classes.
The teacher says fuck every other word. And loves that its part of "who he is". He calls himself "a scary guy" I just think he's making up for some lack of self-confidence and its going to get grating to watch him do it for 3 hours every Monday for 10 weeks.
But the teacher knows what the fuck he's talking about and he's good. I'm going to learn a ton...and I don't have to lug my camera with me every night, I just have to make sure I practice when I get home.
When I went to get a water on the break the guy at the bodega gave me eyes. But they have seltzer and I'm probably going to have a secret admirer to deal with every Monday night now cause I'll definitely go back on breaks, you gotta leave on breaks- right?
As I left I passed a ton of Baruch students leaving their night classes, and the 6 train at 23rd street filled with them. It felt kind of cool and new to be part of the group of students getting on the train.
Its fall, I'm back in school and it feels good!

Playing with Photoshop

Shiva

Wednesday night was much fuller and my memory is such because of it. The house filled up quickly with people wanting to attend the service. I dressed quickly and went downstairs to wait at the table. If I risked laying down I may never want to get up.
My parents dentist was there. Not your typical older man dentist. He was younger and dressed in tight pants and a jean jacket. I knew he had a colostomy bag under it. My parents used to say they could hear it gurgle sometimes when he leaned in close to them. It was really sweet of him to come, he really like my Dad.
He mostly talked with Sammy, but I saw him eye me a couple of times. When he asked me how old I was, I saw his eyes light up a little to learn I was 25. My shirt was kind of tight and I knew he must be eying my chest. It felt kind of good to be looked at with eyes that said, “Nice rack.” Rather than, “That poor child.”
I eyed the door, knowing Helena was coming. I wanted someone other than temple people to be with me. The Rabbi came before she did and it meant the service would begin. We made our way into the living room so we could sit. I made Matt sit with us. I needed him by my side. The service was short and I read along with out thinking. Standing to say the Mourners Kaddish was no different to me in that moment, I always stood, there was always loss to mourn. When I was younger and hadn’t known war yet, it was victims of the holocaust, soon enough it was soldiers in the war, then it was family members, now it was my Dad. I would always be standing for it.
Helena arrived and we sat at the head of the table, her nibbling on a dessert and telling me funny stories of mishaps on dates. One guy had just quizzed her on Hamlet. I wanted to hear about the things happening in her life, not have to remain focused on mine.
The door opened and I looked up to see an old friends Father walk in. He hadn’t changed since I was 18 and getting ready to head off to college, not knowing that the friend and I would hardly talk after then. I got up to greet him.
“Adrienne,” He said hugging me, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea he was even sick.”
I played the greeting part and shook my head with a crooked frown, “Yeah, it happened really quickly.”
“I was just sitting at the table eating my bean soup and drinking a beer and I saw the announcement in the Suncook Sun and my mouth dropped. I got here as quickly as I could.”
“Thank you,” I responded. I knew he wanted to hear how and what had happened so I told him about the original diagnosis, the reoccurrence, how he had tried to find a way to fight it, how there wasn’t, that we had called in hospice.
“Wow.” Was all he could say.
“My mom is in the other room if you want to say hello.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He was speechless as he turned to go into the living room, “Grace,” I heard him begin.

Black Dress

When she first walked in front of me I thought, "Damn, that girl is fierce." Then I started to look at her more closely and realized how opposite we were. She wore a flowy, but fitted black dress with a leather section on the back. I wore a simple cotton black dress. She was strutting down the pavement in knee high black stiletto boots, I was flopping along in black flip flops. Her head was shaved, my hair is past my shoulder blades. She carried a large designer black leather bag with gold buckles and zippers, I was clutching my small turquoise wallet.
I was really taking this in, thinking how different we were, how funny that she had stepped in front of me to walk down the same block and how immediately I had started to pick up our differences, but it was because of our similarities, both young women in black dresses walking on a cool September morning.
As we neared the coffee shop I was heading to, I thought how cool it would be if she walked in, and then she did and held the door for me.
We both ordered iced coffees. I noticed the tag on the shirt she had under the dress, H&M, the tank top I wore under my dress was H&M too. She got her coffee first and left the chocolate they give you with your order, I did the same. I was still lost in thought before I realized she had already quickly walked out.
As I headed back to the office I thought about how in a city so big and diverse there are still the small things that connect us, and maybe we aren't so different after all.
Although, she put sugar in her coffee, and I never do.

Laundry Day

Living together is great. Especially when your significant other isn't doing much over the summer and can be a house husband. Some days he laxes... "I just didn't have motivation to do anything today." I can understand that, although you get really used to coming home to a made bed everyday.
One of the biggest perks is that he'll do the laundry. After a few trips with much complaining, now he's committed and over the weird faces the women who run/work in the laundromat give him.
There have been a few mishaps... I came home one hot Friday evening after having to walk 40 blocks because my train decided to stop running.
I walked in sweaty and mildly annoyed. But I was ready to keep the energy level up and wanted to head to the gym. I looked at the drying rack. There were many many more wet clothes than should have been on the rack, and many of them were clothes that could have been put in the dryer.
I turned to Matt, who had an "oh shit" look on his face.
"Why is all of this stuff just lumped on here? Why didn't you dry my exercise shirts?"
"I didn't know which ones I could dry or not so I just wanted to play it safe."
"But, we went through it. I told you which you could and couldn't dry?"
After the mostly broken cheap Target drying rack actually broke and I had moved shirts to other locations throughout the apartment to dry appropriately, and Matt and I had had a voices raised discussion that ended in us both laughing and realizing our ridiculousness (Mine at getting so upset about this, his at not just using common sense when it came to what can be dried) we headed to the gym, and came up with a new system. Stuff that goes in the dryer goes in one bin, stuff that doesn't goes in another and he does two loads. No fail, right?
For a few months it was.
One day, knowing Matt was doing laundry, I commented that since there weren't many clothes in the "to be hung" bin why didn't he just toss the sheets in too. He agreed and I left for work.
The first GChat conversation was about trying to get out of doing the laundry. I didn't back down, being pretty much out of gym socks and underwear.
The second GChat conversation asked me about washing things in cold water. I was busy so I didn't think much about it and just answered that I usually wash everything in cold since I don't seperate colors. He seemed appeased.
I came home that night with plans of working out, doing some writing and a little cleaning. I had the house to myself and was excited about it.
When I walked in I saw the bottom sheet hung over the opened doors of our kitchen closet. "What?" I thought. I walked into the bedroom and there was the top sheet strewn about over our open closet doors. "Why wouldn't you dry the sheets!"
I started fuming with frustration. I tried to calm myself by putting on workout clothes and just trying to ignore it. It didn't work. The sheet was taking up basically the whole room and I couldn't avoid it as I changed. So I changed my plans and began the process of laying the sheets out over the couch and bed to get maximum air coverage and started using the hairdryer. I was cursing the situation under my breath the whole time and just shaking my head at how he would think he couldn't dry the sheets. My shirts I can understand, but he must have washed his own sheets before, right?
I started to calm down later into the night, and had a funny conversation with my Mom about training hetero males. She remembered a conversation she'd had before Dad died about what a great man Sammy was becoming, but that he still needed training on how to be a good roommate, as most men do.
When Matt got home close to 12:30, he came into the bedroom to see if I was awake.
"We have to talk." I began
"What?"
"Why didn't you dry the sheets?"
"What do you mean? I asked you about this."
"No you didn't, you asked," Matt interuptted
"Hold on a second." He turned to walk out of the room and I knew he was going to get his computer to prove that he had asked me.
"You asked me about the water temperature!" I called after him
He came back, computer in tow and kneeled at the bed to look up our chat.
"Oh...," His plan of proving me wrong via computer failing, "You're right. I got confused."
"Yeah, you just asked me about washing in cold water."
"I guess I figured that meant you hang it up to dry, because I usually wash the stuff going in the dryer in warm water."
I just laughed.
"Sorry Bear," He said looking at me sheepishly.
"It's okay." I said laughing. Really I wasn't ever mad at him, just frustrated at the situation and underneath it all lusting for an apartment with a washer and dryer hook up. When I related this to Matt he exclaimed, "I like having the laundry to do, I like that its my thing."
The next day as I folded up the now dry sheets I noticed how soft and fresh they smelled. When I pointed this out to Matt he responded, "I know, that's what I intended!"

A little bit of this, and a little bit of that

This year was so much better than last. I was in the moment, I was enjoying each moment, I was loving it for me and for Dad like I wanted. Friday, our last full day, it was rainy most of the morning and when the sun finally popped out around 2 I hurried into my bathing suit and down to the dock for sunning. I wanted those last few rays to warm my skin, I wanted to be able to hold the feeling, the warmth and color on me for weeks after I'd left.
There was a family with an infant playing in the water and as I lay, eyes closed and face up I smiled and laughed along with them. It was just the four of us and it was great. The sun started to move behind the trees surrounding the dock and I kept moving my lounge chair further and further to the edge of the dock to keep the sun on me. At one point, when there was no one there, I just stood on the furtherest edge and basked in the light. I was craving it and didn't want to give in and head back up to the cabin. When it finally moved well beyond where I could reach it, I turned and gazed out at the lake. The sun was still sparkling magically on the eerily calm water and I thought, "Why don't I just get in the kayak?" So I did. It was a total Dad move. Decide you want to get out there and just go. Normally I may have just paddled to the middle of our part of the lake and lounged, but instead I kept paddling, even beyond the edge of Great Island that marked our entrance to the rest of the lake. I saw Sunset Rock in front of me on another Island, a place we'd stopped at during many family kayaking trips. I hadn't gone all last year, and now was the perfect time.
I felt great as I glided through the water. I let the sadness I had been feeling all week flow through me and pass over me and release. My arms, my shoulders, my body were in rhythm and I hummed the song that Dad would always reference as he explained the best speed of your paddles, "A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of this, a little bit of that."
As I reached the rock, I saw there was a young girl laying on a blanket reading near the water. Someone like me, I thought. Looking for somewhere to get away and just be.
As I glided to a stop and pulled the kayak up onto the rocky edge I realized I hadn't brought a towel, or anything to lean on, or lay on. Oh well. I immediately jumped into the clean, clear water and let myself slip into the cool comfort I feel when being underwater. I came up for air and swam a little bit further out before coming back and climbing onto the rock hot with the days sun.
I leaned back on my hands, closed my eyes and tilted my head up. It felt great to just sit there and be bathed in late day sun. I tried mediating, just breathing deeply and clearing my mind. I was able to for a bit, and then more people started to gather on the popular rock. I thought, if I had brought a towel I probably would have stayed for hours.
I climbed back into the kayak and began paddling back towards the tip of Great Island and then back. As I neared the Island, I slowed down my stroke debating whether to stop at some other rocks I had seen. I heard a splashing to my left and looked over as a loon emerged from the water about a paddles length away from me. I was frozen for a second as I looked at the large black and white bird and his, or her, red eye fixed on me. Loons are beautiful creatures, and large when you're as close to them as I was. I wish I didn't get scared and paddle a bit more quickly away, but I did and as I turned to look at the bird again I saw him, or her, rise a little ways out of the water and flap his, or her, wings. Territorial, I thought. Good thing I paddled away.
As I made my way back to the cabin, I felt happy and proud. I had gone into the week wanting to be able to let myself just take in and enjoy where I was, do things for Dad, and myself. And I had, and this kayak gave me a renewed since of, I'm okay. And, after a week of being in a small house with lots of people coming in and out it was nice to have some alone time too, although I didn't feel totally alone.


Too see them all

Post Vacation Depression

I've had little to no motivation to do anything at work this week. I get home late every night and just sit on the couch and catch up on the two weeks of TV I've missed (lame!). Then I lay in bed trying to fall asleep and toss and turn with anxiety over all the things I haven't done (clean the apartment, put things away, cook the fresh veggies from Mom's garden, spend time with Matt). So all things considered, I think that points to PVD.

Now that I know, I definitely feel more motivated to get some shit done this week and since we'll be sailing all day tomorrow, and I part of the shit I want to get done is work related, today's the day. I started work with a bang and have been blasting through some projects I've been pushing to the bottom of the pile for weeks. I cleared my schedule so I could have a CFF (Commitment Free Friday) and go home, have QT with the Fiancee and do some cleaning/organizing. I'm more excited than I have been all week.

It feels good, like I'm back into the grove I'd gotten into before vaca. I'm excited about the small things, I'm feeling good about work and things are good. I think its why I haven't blogged really all week. I was just blah. But Squam was wonderful and there are so many pictures to show and things to write about besides that list I made.
Even though this is slightly tounge in cheek and I'm not really depressed just suffering from a vacation hangover, it is so true that once you can verbalize the problem, or admit to having the problem, it all becomes so clear. I feel the motivation returning, I want to accomplish and achieve at work and am ready to tackle getting things in order for the upcoming weeks, cause really after this week I don't get to use the vacation excuse anymore.

Oh Oprah, you teach me without even knowing it.

So I was at the gym today and caught some of Oprah- she was having famous women talk about what they would tell their younger selves and what they know now that they're "older". It got me thinking about what I would tell my younger self- and it was all the same mush- love yourself for who you are, beauty comes from inside, blah blah...
And then I had a bigger revelation. We can tell our younger selves these things because we've learned them from being who we were.
If we were all confident, loving, self affirmed teenagers we probably wouldn't be who we are today which is usually happier, healthier and proud of what we'd accomplished. I think I would be snobbish, stuck-up and lonely if I didn't have the baggage and yucky teenage years to have taught me about loving myself, helping others feel loved and what confidence is. It we start out with everything, we've got a lot more to lose rather than gain.
So, I guess I'm happy that being a gawky teenager sucked, because all the goodness I've found inside and out feels that much better.

Week on Squam

Sparkling light on water
Pre-storm breezes
Post-rain steam lifting above fields
Rays of sun through clouds
Deep late light on plush green hills
Loon calls
The white of a loon's belly
Lake air wiping around and through me on the boat
Sun
Raft wood against my breasts and stomach
The clicking of my camera

Squam

Work's picking up, just as I get ready to go back to Squam for the week, our annual family vacation. Although over the years it has turned into much more than just a family vacation. Girlfriends and Boyfriends (now fiancee's) come too, family friends stay next door, visitors constantly in and out.
Last year, quite honestly, it sucked. Dad had just died, we were all raw. It was his most favorite place to come, to go, to be and then we were there without him. He was missing it, we were missing him. There was just missing. We were all still retarded by grief, unable to take in Squam, take in activities we loved on Squam. It was hard, it was good to be there, but hard and again, it kind of sucked.
This year, of course it will be hard, but I think it will be that much better for the year having passed. (It's all about time) We've all grown, we've all processed, A LOT, and I'm ready, excited, looking forward to it.
I've got wedding magazines and books to look at on the deck as I sip strong drinks and feel the rush of alcohol through my blood. I've got urges to run and swim and kayak. I want to feel the lake and sun, take it all in (with SPF 30 of course), without a constant layer of sadness.
Last year I told my Mom, "The first couple of days are going to be horrible, but then we'll let ourselves go a bit and it will be nice to be there." And it was, I was right. This year, I think it will lessen, the first couple of hours will be hard and I'll let myself go a bit more readily.
On the phone last night Mom told me about talking to a colleague about going to Squam, how the summer has been hard, but better, how there are still so many pieces that are missing Dad, that Dad's missing and Squam is a big part of that and there is a big part of her, and me too, that hurts when she thinks about going back there again without him. The colleague passed something on to her, which I'll translate here with my own interpretations.
When you're there, honor him. Do the things he loved to do and while you're doing them, make it more about honoring him and how much he would have loved to do it. Kayak to a place he loved and just meditate on the honoring of his memory, his enjoyment of the place, your enjoyment of being in that place with him.
It instantly resonated with her, and I took it in quite similarly.
Often my grief is selfish, I miss what I've lost in his death. But there are many times when it is also about what he's missing. I wish he were here because he would so enjoy this, I'm sad because he's missing it. That is what Squam is about.
So, this year I am going to honor him. When I feel the grief creep up I will be glad that I can still do the things he loved so much and I'll do them more for him. It doesn't mean pushing it down or willing it away, it means enjoying the moment for him, and remembering the times you were in that place, doing that thing with him. It is the memories that help sustain us in times of sorrow, he was with us for so many summers at Squam and they were wonderful.
So, I'm ready to keep making them wonderful, for Dad and for me.

Cool Hunting- Restaurant Week

Week 1- 1 Restaurant, Lunch Menu
Morimoto- Fast seating, fast service. Lovely soup and salad, loved the dressing with crunchy scallions. I got the chicken, curious and thinking it would be interesting. Matt got the Chef's Sushi Sampler. Everything was uninspired. I was hoping for much more. Sure it was good, and it was fast, but come on- its Morimoto- Iron Chef- give me something good! The decor was (although I'll sound nerdy) really really cool. Worth the trip for the bathrooms for sure- although the heated seats were broken. I'd go back to try some rolls, but wish I was given more incentive. Out of 10- 7.

Week 2- 4 (yes 4) Restaurants, all Dinner Menu

One if By Land- Two if By Sea- Beautiful. I walked in and immediately loved it. We were seated upstairs and it was warm and cozy. Each table has its own white candlestick and two fragrant roses. Great touch. The brick was dark and warm, the carpet a deep burgundy, so dark and elegant. When I got up at one point and walked downstairs towards the rest room a waiter on the stairs held out his hand and made sure I got down the stairs with ease- classy. Every dish was lovely and delicious. I got the sea bass and Matt got the chicken. The sea bass was soft, moist and light with delicious tapanade. The chicken was tender and flavorful and served with lovely whipped potatoes. The raspberry sorbet was fantastic, I adored it. Really. Out of 10- 10.

Tribeca Grill- Good, solid meal and a nice atmosphere. The rolls were chewy and warm, the beet salad light with sweet baby beets. I got the Sea Bass (again, I know, nothing else I liked offered) it had a nice light flavor and was against moist and perfectly prepared. Matt got the Ravioli which was packed and mushroomy (I don't like mushrooms). Others at the table got the beef dish- it was packed with well paired flavors and moist- yum. I had the panacotta for dessert- light and sweet, a good ending to a good meal. Given the price it won't be worth returning for me, but its a good place over all. One note- in the handicap bathroom on the first floor- the paper towels were dispensed at the top of the dispenser- way out of reach of many handicap patrons...hmm. Out of 10-8

Mesa Grill- Started with a yummy peach margarita- definitely recommend it. This place had the worst service over all. The hostess was a bit snobby and we were not seated promptly (at the 4 other restaurants, all pleasant and prompt). Our waiter then ignored us most of the night and we hardly got our water filled and when we did it was room temp. I had the chopped salad and tried the tortilla soup- both good and light enough for an appetizers. We all had the chicken. It was yummy and moist- very Texas (fitting). The blue corn tortilla with basil butter was the highlight for me. The dessert was a bit off putting for me, and not that inspired. I had the peach short cake and others the chocolate cake- and all were so so. Overall, I was underwhelmed and wouldn't head back there. Out of 10-5.

Kobe Club- I walked by it 3 times before I found it. I guess they want to be cave like- and they achieve. This place has such cool decor. I loved it. The knife ceiling- awesome. The light fixtures, warm and interesting. The way they give you the check- so cool. I tried pretty much everything on the menu. All delicious. The raviloi- so flavorful and a good saltiness- I love salt. The tartare, so fresh it was tasteless, perfect. The 50 year old aged balsamic- yummy with perfectly ripe tomatoes. I had the chicken, the portion was huge and it was tender and nicely flavored. The two beef dishes were moist and flavorful, I don't love beef- but everyone at the table raved. We tried the mashed potatoes (leek and wasabi) both were so smooth and yummy and the wasabi had just enough bite. We also tried the peas and pearls- they as Matt said, "Taste like good peas" Well- yeah. The berry's and creme were a perfect ending to the meal. I think I enjoyed Kobe club the best- such a great atmosphere. The only bad thing- they tried too hard with the bathrooms and they are just weird. Having to press a foot pedal to run the faucet? Needing the strength of a brute man to close and open the doors? Come on. Out of 10- 9.

So there you have- my crazy full restaurant week. I know, I know, it's over now and you can't try them at the reduced cost. But keep this post in mind for the return of restaurant week in the Winter! And if you need a great restaurant to go to and are willing to pay full price- I highly recommend One if by Land-Two if by Sea or Kobe Club.

The Wind in my Hair

I was a bit chilly when we climbed into the cab on Monday night, but I left the window most of the way down. I love the feeling of moving fast through the city streets, the windows down, the wind in my hair and on my face. It is admittedly one of my favorite parts of taking cabs at night.
We were stop and go on 6th for a bit, but as soon as we hit the park and the cab turned left on Park, we were off. I put my head back and turned my face to the open window. I felt calm, at peace, happy to be in that moment. I reached my hand across the seat and Matt took it. He was in the moment too. It really hit me that this was my life, and I was happy. I was in a city I love, with the man I love and the wind was flying across my face and through my hair, I felt alive. I didn't want it to end, but as we exited the cab, Matt took my hand again and we walked slowly down our block still a bit entranced.
And then, in front of our first place together, he made the moment even longer by getting down on one knee and opening a box to a sparkling diamond ring. And I said yes. Of course. And there were kisses and, "Oh my god we're engaged!"
As he walked me around the block to help us come back to reality he gave me something my Father had written in January of 2006 at my parents annual New Years Eve party. It was his prediction for the year and it said, Adrienne will get a ring. Maybe it was a little late, but I did, and he was there, full blessing and all.

Friday

The mid-summer cool breeze washed over me as I walked across 91st and neared home.
I felt it stir around me, and looking up 91st towards Park noticed the full green trees that shaded the street, the quite people walking down it, how the cars were a part of the street darkened by the leaf cover, and everything just kind of fell silent for a moment. I can feel it now coming in the open windows. It feels like home.

Rainy Omens and Selflessness

I woke up at 3 wondering what the noise was. It was the big round drops of rain on our AC unit. I pulled the shade out a bit and looked out the window. Ick.
I woke up again at 8 and hit snooze, 5 times. Ick.
When I finally got up, I had to turn on the light to get dressed, thus waking Matt up way before he probably wanted to, "No, its okay, I should get up, its okay." That's why I love him.
I had already planned on wearing a dress, Thank God. Jeans don't cut it in this weather, you'll be soaked to the mid thigh by the time you reach the subway.
I walked outside and put up my umbrella, it would be helpless in this downpour, but I tried anyway. I turned around at the end of my block. I walked inside and buzzed upstairs, "Will you bring me down my raincoat?" Again, this is why I love him.
When he opened the door to hand it to me, I asked, "Wanna drive me to 86th St?" I was mostly kidding and he said no anyway. He's not completely selfless, but who is?
The rain had let up at that point, so it wasn't as bad as I thought anyway.
As soon as I signed on to email when I got to work I got a gchat: "I feel so guilty. As soon as you left I thought, oh man I should drive her and tried to call." Okay, this is why I love him.

But besides the complete selflessness of my boyfriend that makes me adore him, I should have known the rain was a sign.

Tonight my 6 train pulled into 14th st. and there was a 4 waiting across the platform, the typical train switching happened, and both sat, doors open. First they told everyone the 4 train was out of service. So they all go on our 6. Then they told us the 6 was out of service, so we all got off. THEN they told us there were no east-bound trains running. So we all left the station.
Crap. At least it wasn't raining anymore. I had to cancel my plans and feared I'd have to venture to a bus... a bus?? I'd never taken one of those, how does it work here!!
Luckily again, my there in a call boyfriend looked up that the NRQW's were running, so I got on a surprisingly not too crowded one and, I think, got to the last 6 train out of 59th st. And, when I got home sweaty and tired, he had already turned the AC on in the bedroom for me.
So, although the rain turned out, as I feared, to be a bad sign, there was some silver lining on the clouds.
God, that was cheesy.
But, in all seriousness- I feel for the people that were truly affected by the transformer explosion.

Fireflys

So I do this thing when I've got plans that involve putting forth out of the ordinary efforts. I want to bail out last minute. Say, I've got plans to meet friends somewhere that requires trains I've never taken before and many transfers and will result in me not knowing how to get home from said place. I'm usually gung-ho when we make the plans and then as the day comes and the time to leave approaches, I want to call and say, "Sorry, I'm out." I'm pretty sure it is because I don't want to put in the effort, and am a bit nervous about getting there. But if I had stuck it out, and gone anyway despite my hesitations I would probably have had a blast, seen a new part of the city and gotten more comfortable with the transit system, so how come I can't see past my ehhnes?
Perfect true life example:
I bought Summer Stage Decemberists tickets about a month ago. I was totally pumped. I'd been listening to Crane Wife since the beginning of the year and was really getting into it. Many weekends in February and March had been spent at home with Mom, Decemberists blasting and us writing at the kitchen table. Enough back story, I was excited.
Then, all of a sudden it was the Sunday before the concert. I didn't know what time the show was, where the stage was, and what the plans with my friends were. I started to get a little anxious.
E-Mails were flying back and forth on Monday, and it was determined that the working girls would meet the non-working girls inside the venue close to when we figured the Decemberists would go on. We would miss the group dinner and find it on our own, sad. I felt rushed at work, we had spent most of the day at another location meeting people, and I almost felt like canceling, working till 7 and just chilling at home with Matt. What didn't help was that I'd had a busy full weekend and Monday hurt even more when it came. Again, I wanted to cancel. I'd been so pumped when I'd bought the tickets and now, I didn't care. I was able to see a great up-and-coming band, in the middle of central park on a gorgeous day and I didn't want to. What's wrong with me?
Well, I didn't back out- really how could I? Instead I took my time at dinner with my other working-girl friend and causually strolled over to the park and Summer Stage entrance. I tried not to rush myself, or stress myself out, it wasn't worth it.
When we got inside, the non-working girls weren't even there yet! We sat around and people watched as Grizzly Bear played, I wasn't that into what they were playing at the time, and waited. When the full group finally came together we pushed our way into the crowd and got pretty good standing room seats.
Grizzly Bear played their last song, and I loved it, and then the Decemberists came on and they were fantastic. They tell such great stories with their songs and put on a great live show. They were all dressed as if for a garden party and started the show with summery songs. I only know their most recent album and I loved the new-to-me songs and want to download their other albums after I post this.
While we were clapping and yelling for them to do an encore I thought about my hesitations earlier in the day and how glad I was that I'd ignored them. I was standing in front of a small stage, seeing a fantastic band with great friends, a cool summer breeze was blowing around us and firefly's flickered beyond the stage. "I have to remember this feeling next time", I thought, and hopefully I will.

Club Duties

We were driving back from Tybee and the Crab Shack, we had just seen dolphins, had dolphins swim 50 feet away from us. We were headed to Sonic for frozen drinks. It was lovely. The AC was pumping and we were full of crab and clam and still a little wet from the beach, but it was good. I saw a friend call me for the second time and thought, "hmm I should pick this up". She had bad news. She had just heard that another friend's* mom had committed suicide and he and his dad had found her. I was devastated, and I didn't want to be. I hardly knew him anymore, but I felt his pain. I wanted to enjoy the moment I was in, I didn't want my head clouded with grief, I didn't want to be taken to a place of sorrow, I was frustrated with the process. Even though I really had no connection to him anymore I still felt so strongly, my heart was open to it because of what I'd been through. You can't control these things, I tried to and it kept flowing back, so I just let myself feel it. I drifted out of the conversation in the car, I sat back and watched the Spanish moss covered trees fly by. I drank my frozen drink slowly and silently. I let myself feel it, and then I was able to enjoy the moments around me again.

I'm sending him this card today:

Eric,

The easiest way to start is to say I'm sorry. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I know the pain, grief, frustration, anger, sorrow, heartbreak you are feeling. Although our losses are different and we are different people, I think in some ways what you'll experience will be similar to me, and I want you to know that if you need anything don't hesistate to let me know. If it's to vent, ask questions, just be around someone who "gets it", I'm here. Someone told me last summer, who had also experienced a great loss, "it is possible." That is been something I've thought about often as I waded through the mourning process. It is possible to get out the other side and feel a bit better, it is possible to continue your life, your "new normal" as I call it with a huge gaping hole in your life, it is possible. Again, I'm here if you need anything. The entrance fee fucking sucks, but once you're in the club, the other members are very nice and will do anything to help a new member.
Wishing you peace and serenity in this process.
Love,

Adrienne




*He is a guy I went to camp with, who I was fairly close with 10 years ago on our camp trip to Israel, but I haven't seen him in probably 6 or 7 years. Matt plays poker at his apartment sometimes, but he isn't always around.

Warp Speed

I move fast, but everyone moves fast in NY so generally I don't notice it so much. Lately I've noticed how fast I'm trying to move in relation to how slow the people around me seem to be moving, generally they are moving into my way so that helps with the noticing. Have I sped up?
My Mom stayed in our apartment when we were in Mexico, she loves NYC and jumped at the chance to have our apartment to herself (and her two friends) for a weekend. My Mom also moves fast, and in Concord, NH it is like warp speed. She commented to me several times after being here for the weekend how great it felt to be moving fast and have no one notice, because they're all moving fast too. Generally I agree.
But, as I said, lately I must be going a true warp speed because I'm bumping into people, falling over myself to get around them, walking in the street to avoid masses of slowpokes, etc. What's up with that? I noticed it Tuesday as I walked to work. I thought, "hmm, am I really walking so fast or are there just more slow people around me?" I know what you're thinking, its the tourists, but I live on the UES, there aren't really tourists up here at 9:20AM, are there?
Then today as I was heading into train I almost pushed the man in front of me to get him to move down the stairs, couldn't go around him he was too big and there were people coming up). Once he finally got down the stairs I had to make a quick football like move to get around his big frame instead of either bump into him, bump into the wall or wait behind him as he slowly took out his card and moved toward the gate.
I sighed as I walked onto the platform and started to fast walk to my spot. Then, in front of me I saw a grandmother walking hand and hand with her granddaughter. I watched as she looked down at her with the biggest and most genuine smile on her face, such a look of love and devotion that I slowed down.
"Wow," I thought, "Look how happy she is to just be in this moment sharing it with her granddaughter."
I walked at a normal pace, passing them as they sat on the bench near my spot. Maybe I have been walking too fast, maybe I needed to slow down, maybe all the slower people around me were little signals singing Simon and Garfunkel to me, "Slow down, you move too fast..."
I guess sharing that moment in the grandmother, granddaughter relationship, clearly a purely loving and tender one, is what it took. People around me walking too slowly aren't going to do it, its the people around me, who they are and what they can share with me, that will.

Car Talk

"Hold on."
"What?"
"I want to write down our conversations on the trip."
"It'll be a short list" snicker
"Whaaat?!"

"Isn't that a little weird?"
"What?"
"Colbat SS"
"What does it stand for?"
"I don't know, but isn't it a little weird?"
"Why?"
"Cause of the Gestapo?"
"Oh..."

"I want one of those watches you slap on."
"A slap bracelet watch?"
"Yeah! Slap bracelets were awesome!"
"Totally."
"Whatever happened to them? Didn't someone get hurt?"
"I think so, yeah"
"That's one of the problems with our litigious society. Someone gets hurt by something and then it's gone. Why can't they just put it out there that someone got hurt and then have a little fun with it?"
"Yeah, I don't know. How do you spell litigious?"

"NJ revolves around the turnpike- that's the truth. A fun game to play is looking at all the stupid town names. Maybe we'll get to see my least favorite town name."
"Yeah, I think I remember this."
"Mmhmm."
"So what is it?"
"Well, I don't know if we're going to pass it or not."
"Just tell me the name."
"Lodi New Jersey."
"Right, I remember now."
"I haven't seen the name of every town across the US but that is definitely low on my list of good names."
"I like the name Lodi."
"Maybe if there was a town like Matt Sucks, I'd like that less."
"Yeah, Mattsucks New Jersey."

"What are you thinking about?"
"I don't know. What are you thinking about?"
"What you're thinking about."
"You're thinking about what I'm thinking about?"
"Uh-huh."
"Okay."
"This was a good conversation."
"It doesn't have to be over."
"Mmhmm."
"I'm thinking about passing this guy," Said as he passes a guy.

"Is that the moon?"
"That red light?"
"NO!" pause, "That!"
"Woah, it is red."
"Yeah, it's on the horizon."
"Woah"
"(mocking) That red light."
"I was gonna say, if you thought that was the moon you're way off and we're about to pass it."