And now, entering the ring... Judge Mental!

I can be judgmental, it is something I try and work on. I stop myself sometimes when I know I'm about to be judgmental about someone or something, and when I find I just have to vent or get something out I try and preface it with, I'm about to be judgmental. Overall, I am not a mean person- I don't want to be a mean person, I really am a very nice and positive person, I'm open minded and always ready and willing to hear the other side of the story, see the other perspective and remind others to keep that in mind too. In some ways this judgmental part of me doesn't quite fit- but it's there and I can't hide it. Sometimes it can be fun, really getting in to something with someone, being snarky, letting it all hang out. As fun as it can be, I usually end up feeling kind of bad about myself afterwards.
Anyway- enough "Oh I can be judgmental but its really not who I am and I feel bad about it" talk.
Several people we invited couldn't come to our wedding, which was fine. Those people who were family of Matt's that couldn't come sent a nice card/note and a check- something that they do on his Grandma's side of the family. Very nice. One person who Matt's Grandma adores and who Matt's Mom is also fond of couldn't come, which we expected, but then never sent a card or a gift. Now- I don't want to make it seem like I'm greedy, because that's definitely something I'm not. I didn't want the gift or even expect it from those that didn't come to the wedding. However, it was something that was expected from this family member and frankly it hurt Matt that it wasn't received. To us it felt like she was saying, "You don't matter to me enough to make it worth my time to go to your wedding, and you're not going to get any recognition that it even happened." That kind of hurts. To top it off, we'd been told over and over what a lovely woman she is, how gorgeous and huge her house is, and how well she's done for herself after losing her husband. Okay...
So then, we find out that she's throwing a party for Matt's Grandmother's Uncle and we're invited and have to come. Now, I was happy to meet the Great-Great Uncle as I'd heard great things about him, but we started to struggle with going to this Woman's house who we felt had given us this strong message. So, the judging started. I complained, to everyone I could (and of course felt always a bit bad about it after). I probably came off sounding like an ass too. But I let myself get caught up in the judgment instead of thinking what a nice family event this would be.
So, long story long- we go to the house today. The house is gorgeous. The Great-Great Uncle is Great. The woman is friendly and nice. Then, as the evening is wrapping up and we've overall had a really nice time, she says,
"How long have you been married now? Is this your second anniversary? Cause I have a gift for you tonight and I want to make sure I'm not too late."
I did a good job hiding the shock. I also did a good job chastising myself for letting my judgmental side get the better of me.
A good reminder of how you can be a bigger and better person shouldn't go unmissed, and this one certainly didn't.

Diana Pics Recently

Diana Pics Recently
Originally uploaded by adkcub

The light quality of the pinhole camera, the double exposures, the texture and feel of mood. Somehow the Diana captures things a little differently, and makes mistakes look great. Early summer days at home, and a late summer day of unemployment- enjoy!

Early Morning Thoughts

I used to wake up with 15 minutes to get ready. I'd roll out of bed, after hitting the snooze 2 or 3 times, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and go.
Now, I give myself at least an hour to get ready, sometimes only a 1/2 hour. I like to let myself slowly wake up, slowly come to terms with the day, the moments, the time I'm in.
I drink my glass of FRS, I check my email, I look at my Google Reader, I pick out my clothes, you get the idea.
It kind of feels more grown up this way. I like the feeling of being up early in the morning, it makes me feel more productive, knowing how many hours I've put towards the day.
At some point this may get even earlier, when I have a longer commute and when there are children in my life who insist on early mornings. So right now, I'll cherish that I can sleep till 7:30 and I won't think too much about the days when I used to get up at 9 and get to work by 10.

Porch List

I don't think I could, or should, adequately put in to words what I'm experiencing right now, but I will list it out.
"My Love for You" by Ryan Adams, our wedding song, playing
A robin lifting up on the breeze and landing on the very top of a dwarf pine as I watch
A gentle, warm, summery spring breeze blowing across me
Peonies bursting in to blooms in front of me
The sun, on the sun
Purple irises
Cars on the dirt road
The sounds of birds and planes and cars

Another list for you: What I did on my June vacation:
Picked peonies everyday and put them in vases around the house
Drove in a fast car with the windows down and pop music blaring
Visited
Talked
Watched bad TV on a good big TV
Wrote
Read
Swam, Biked, Ran
Cooked and ate good meals
Let the sadness out
Built some kearns
Sat in the grass
Took pictures
Bought Shoes
Bought Clothes
Developed film (unfortunately I didn't do this myself)
Listened to music
Slept
Ate Marshmallows
Took in every second and moment as it happened.

The best thing, it's only Wednesday!

Thoughts on Upward Movements

People tell me I'm skipping around the office, that I "still have that smile on my face." Maybe I am, maybe they're just now noticing that I'm generally a pretty happy and positive person. Whatever the case, this change is good. The funny thing for me with change is that, I am good with it and not so good with it. I know that feeling will hit at some point, but right now I'm feeling great. This all feels right, this all feels like it is happening how it was supposed to, just 9 months later than I had hoped it would. Okay, all of a sudden this is sounding like an I'm pregnant post, which it isn't.
I've never given notice before and known it was going to be a shock. I have actually only given notice once before and all parties knew it was coming, and knew it was most definitely for the best. In this case, I know it is for the very best for me- but I'm sure my boss feels differently. And the funny thing is, she's treating me better than she ever has before. I guess you don't miss your water, huh?
But this is all fancy speak for telling my dear readers that I'm moving on up, in all senses. I'm taking the step up the ladder I had hoped for after being laid off, I'm going to be working uptown from my present office and I'm taking that blessed pay increase that everyone hopes for.
The woman who will be my new boss reminds me a lot of one of my former bosses, the one I learned the most from. I'm excited about not only being able to push myself to learn and grow in HR, but that I'll have someone cheering me on and coaching me from the sidelines. Something I've missed over the last 2.5 years.

The funny thing for me about careers and career aspirations is that I never really thought I had any. I plugged along for a few years being my typical A-type self and pushing to get all I could out of my work experiences. Little did I know that I was advancing in and creating a career for myself. And now, all of a sudden I've taken this huge and exciting step up and during a recession. Wow. Maybe I am a career woman?

The one thing I am struggling with a little, tiny, teeny bit is that I don't know if I want a "career", I don't know if I want a corner office and a closet full of suits and power lunches and all that jazz. I know that I could have it, and I know that I will most likely get somewhere close in the next 5+ years, and there are so many other things I want too. I want creativity in my life, I want a family that I'm home with more often than not. I'm not going to start getting in to the "you can have it all" discussion, because that's not what this is about. This is about me exploring what I really want to do with my life and my career time.

Right now, this move and this opportunity feels right. Right now, I'm excited and energized and passionate about it. What I have to figure out is, am I feeling these things because it is the path I've been following and the most secure one? Or, are there other things at play? And, in the end I have to remind myself that I can do it all, if I want to. I can do both and maybe not even at the same time and that most certainly is still doing it all.