P.S. Another Warning

So, I watched P.S. I Love You last night, despite the warnings of several people including another blogger.
I read the book and loved it, it was touching in just the right way- but also hopeful and funny.
The movie really just kept ripping your heart back open just after it had started to feel hopeful.
From the first scene I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I had to keep watching, I had to give it a chance. How could Hilary Swank be so bad? Lord knows, but she was. I really enjoyed Lisa Kudrow and Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
The moral of this post is, that I shouldn't have watched this with Matt out for the night. God does it slap you in the face with a reminder of the fear we all have of losing the one we love, the one we've chosen to share our lives with.
Of course I'm always thinking about the fact that we don't know how much time we have with any loved one. Watching my Mom lose the love of her life has made me wary of what loving someone with so much of yourself can do, but going through that process also made me incredibly thankful to have found it and to have watched my parents share it so I could model my own relationships that way. All I wanted, as the movie would nose dive in to sadness and deep loss, was to hold Matt and know that I still had him. I guess if it did one thing well it was portraying what the bottom is like, but it did it so sporadically and just when you started to feel a bit better with Holly, I wasn't a fan of that, it was inconsistent and nothing like the book. I want to be with a character as they learn and grow through a process that I can relate to, on any level. This was more like- strap yourself in for this roller coaster ride of emotions with a character you can't relate to because she hasn't been built up well. No thanks, I want a refund.

So, when Matt did come home I greeted him with open arms, so happy to see him. I pulled him in close and tight, and then I quickly pushed him away.
"What did you have for dinner?"
"A burger with onions and avocado."
"Yep, it's the onions."
At least I had him back in my sights if I didn't want to hold him too close.

Life is a Winding Road

I picture us all, putting our left hands in to the center, a photo being taken of all of us with diamonds on our ring fingers. Soon, I think, we'll be old married folks. And after that, well, we're all following that age old path. Marriage, babies, homes and more. I know some people see it as this avoided path. They don't need a man to define them, they don't want to have children until they are done getting all the selfishness out of their systems, they don't want to have to spend their money on college savings and home ownership.
That's not me. I don't even think of it in those terms. Sure, I know it takes a lot of things, time, money, commitment, budgets, community, self sacrifice. I'm ready for all of that... and I am so excited to do it in tandem with such dear friends.
I still feel young, and ready for the next step, and yet sometimes I feel like we're all growing up so fast and the next phase of life is coming really quickly on the heals of engagements, marriages and homes bought.
I've always been one to follow the typical path, and I'm still solidly on that winding road, ready for the ups and downs (Because we all know there are more downs in the journey).

Vacation

We drove on tight curvy roads a bit too fast
We tasted glass after glass of good wine and found it hard to believe it was all really that good
We ran along the Russian River
We bickered and laughed and poked fun at each other like good families do
We met the man whose Grandfather illegitimately fathered Ted Williams
We saw the Golden Gate up close and from Land's End
We walked the tiny cramped streets of China town
We walked and ran the long steep hills of the city
We took in a game
We went to where the city ends at the ocean and just drove
We marveled at mansions
We saw the Pacific, and wound along it through small towns with big fields
We saw large redwoods that rose infinitely in to the sky and then turned a bend in the road and found hills upon hills of golden grass that clung to our clothes after laying in it.
We had meal after meal placed in front of us and it was all good, and sometimes of our own making.

And it was good.

Ben & Nate

Ben & Nate, originally uploaded by adkcub.

A fun visit with Leila's boys on Saturday, and lots of great photo ops :)

Spring is Here

Spring is Here, originally uploaded by adkcub.

After the Tri!

Musing on Breezes

I forgot my umbrella this morning, and then it didn't even matter. Every time I walked outside the sky was clearing a bit and the sun was poking through. I walked to the gym in my shorts and tank top with no jacket- it felt like spring/summer finally since I didn't have any place to put my phone or keys.
I love evenings like tonight's. Feeling the breeze through the open bedroom windows, walking to get dinner in pajamas that don't look like it because it is spring and you can wear lighter and softer things that go either way. Everyone was walking dogs, or meeting friends, people are more friendly, saying hello, giving their neighbor a smile.
I felt light and happy being outside in the early evening. The sun was starting to set, and the wind was picking up. I love the feel of a spring or summer breeze. As I laid in bed last night tossing and turning I tried to focus on how great it felt to be under just a sheet with the night wind blowing over me. I thought to myself that it might be one of my favorite feelings, but then my turning mind thought of many more feelings that could be favorites and I lost the moment. I got it back again tonight, walking down my block. It came back, the lightness, happiness, fulfillment and the safety in cycles, in this time of year returning again.

You've come a long way Baby...

The last few days I've been speculating about what this week would be like. How I would feel, how I would react to daily life with the fog of 2 years ago on my brain. Sunday was the day anniversary. Today I realized that around the same time my Dad died 2 years ago, I fell in to a conversation about death. I talked about what I think happens when you die and relayed in conversation, moments after it happened two years ago, what it was like to watch and how I had to believe that the end of my Dad's life did not mean the end of his spirit living on. He was staring at the ceiling for days, as if he saw someone, something, some people waving him along (and I don't mean in to Heaven) and just before he died he smiled at my Mom. I do believe your spirit remains. But that's a different story, the point I mean to make is that I relieved those moments on the day of with no realization of what it meant in the moment.
Tonight Mom and I talked about the week, how we're feeling and most of all how fucking far we've come. Last year was a Shit Show, no details necessary. This year we stronger, and more grounded in who we are without Dad, and who we've become as a family and as individuals without his physical presence.
It almost feels like a year is not enough time to be in such different places. I am honestly surprised when I think about last year, about being home for a week, unveiling Dad's grave, feeling like my world was crazy, resisting a vacation, resisting what I was feeling. I picture over and over getting angry at Matt and then coming in to the bedroom and just sobbing as I stared out the window, and now it's not the reason for the anger I remember its realzing that I was really angry with myself for not knowing what to do with all the sadness. I look back at various posts from last year and the experience comes flooding back to me. The feeling of going through the motions one more time.
The need to convince myself that I would enjoy a vacation. And, finally letting myself grieve and heal in a more healthy way.
Sure it would still take me many more months to understand the role I was playing wasn't the one I was cast in, but maybe last year was the beginning of that next cycle I had to go through. Now, I find myself in a place where I'm ready for what I may or may not feel, I want to let myself experience it and grieve it in a healthy way. As Mom said, we should be proud of all we've gone through and how far we've come in a short amount of time. And really, I am. That is an emotion I do feel strongly now. I feel pride at how much I've grown over the past two years, pride at how strong I can be when facing tough situations and conversations. Pride at who I am growing up to be and all I will do with my life. And what is most satisfying about remembering that during this week is knowing how proud Dad would be of me.