You next to me

I have this issue that I am compelled to write about now since I'm presently dealing with it. I can't fall asleep unless Matt is home. And lately, now that we are on similar schedules it is hard for me to fall asleep without him in bed.
I guess it makes sense, when we weren't living together I had trouble falling asleep without talking to him before I went to bed.
I am a very independent woman, I think Matt and I have the appropriate and healthy level of co-dependency. We are married, after all. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that we want to spend as much time together as possible. Yet, sometimes it troubles me that I have this issue.

Tonight, for example, I intended to go to bed early, and all signs were pointing to this happening. I got in bed at 10:15 with my book and read for about 35 minutes. I felt sleepy so I turned off the light and tucked myself in. Then my mind starts racing, and I start listening for the door. Then I heard something fall and I thought, oh good he's home and he's just knocked something over. So, of course still being awake I got up. And, lo and behold he's not home and something just fell on its own. So now, I'm really up and I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep without him getting home. It is a mix of the comfort of him being in the bed with me and anxiety at his not being home and thus me not knowing he is safe.

I guess my being troubled comes from the place of it being inconvenient for me, among these other things. I wanted to get up early tomorrow and work out, and now when my alarm goes off at 5:45 it is less likely I will respond to it.

But as I think this through I have to remember how lucky I am to have a man I want next to me, to have someone to worry about and listen for at night, and most importantly who wants to be next to me each and every night for the rest of our lives.
Speaking of which, he just got home. Goodnight!

2009 Visits Home in Polaroids

The Letter K

So a week or so ago brookem over at Skrinkering Hearts had a fun post. She had been assigned the letter S and had to list 10 things she loved that start with S. She offered to provide letters so her readers could do the same and I got a K.
If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

So here we go, 10 things I love, or like a lot or just like that begin with the letter K (it is harder than you think!)

1. Kiehl's: I haven't met a Kiehl's product I didn't love. I use their shampoo, their cuticle cream, their lotion, their lip balm and got Matt using their aftershave lotion. If I had more money to throw around, or any money, I would buy more Kiehl's products. For now, I'll stick to just the shampoo and cuticle cream and try to find cheaper options for the rest.

2. Knitting: I don't do it often, but when I do I always enjoy it and find myself feeling less stress and much more calm. I've been working on the same scarf for years, literally, so it really isn't something I do a lot, mostly because I often forget I have knitting I could do.

3. Special K with Red Berries: This is probably one of my favorite cereals. Love those tart dried red berries!

4. Kleenex: I know, this is a weird one. Seriously though, I love kleenex. I'm a big nose blower (which is funny since my Mom claims I didn't know how to blow my nose for a very long time). I have to have a clean and clear nose at all times or I feel weird. I always carry a small pack of kleenex in my purse, and I need a box in the bedroom and the living room.

5. Koalas: The animal I look like is a koala, so I have to like them. They are pretty darn cute, but not as cute as my number 6, and they can be mean little buggers. I kind of like that though.

6. Kittens: I'm a cat person and kittens will get me every time, the cuteness nearly kills me. I thing one of the things I have, am still having, the most difficulty adjusting to is that Matt is really allergic to cats and I'll never be able to have them.

7. Kisses: The Hershey kind and the real kind. Who doesn't love a good kiss? When Matt and I were first together everytime I kissed him I felt a little wave of excitement run through me. That's one of the ways I knew he was the one.

8. Kelly Clarkson: This girl can sing and she knows how to turn out the hits too. Who doesn't love belting out to "Since You've Been Gone"? And her new single, just as good if not better.

9. Kong, Donkey Kong: Probably my favorite Nintendo game. Playing and beating the Super Nintendo Donkey Kong downloaded to the Wii got me through unemployment.

10. Knives: Getting good kitchen knives from our registry was one of the things I was most excited for. It is so nice to have a sharp, good knife to prepare food. Seriously. So nice. In addition, another K from our registry that I love is our Kitchen Aid Mixer!

Well there you have it! That was hard, K is not an easy letter!
Also, tonight I updated all 3 of my blogs! Go me!
Tri Training Blog
Cooking Blog

Personal Day

So I'm in NH today to attend an awards ceremony where my Mom is one of 6 women to receive an Outstanding Business Woman of the Year award, very exciting.
Matt and I drove up last night after work, boy it is a lot easier driving North on a Tuesday night, there was no traffic.
This morning I woke up early to surprise my Mom, it was great.
So today is a personal day for me. Before I left yesterday I told my boss I'd check my email once or twice and she said, "No! Take the day." So I'm taking the day.
I read the paper this morning, well really I read Sunday's comics and did the world jumble. Then I ate some hearty oatmeal and went out for a lovely ski. Pictures and Video to follow tomorrow.
It is a beautiful winter day in NH. While I'm sad I didn't get to enjoy the snow covered City last night, I'm not missing slushing around in the remains today.
I think I'll have a cup of tea and keep enjoying my day.

Cop out, but I love lists!

Well, I don't have a blog really formed to write. I usually have something in my head when I sign in to blogger to post. But I was already logged out of my new email address so I figured it was easier to just log in to Blogger and post something. So, I'll take the easy way out and run off my thoughts list style. I love me some listing!

- I'm thinking more and more about moving this blog to wordpress, things are so much nicer over there, but the hassle of moving the blog would be a lot and I don't know if I can just pick up and leave all these posts behind...I've gone through a lot on this old blogger platform.

- Work is still crazy, although today wasn't as bad, thank God- I really tried hard to not let it be.

- I kicked ass in the 4 mile race I did on Sunday, and I'm so pumped about it because I had a stomach flu last week and didn't work out all week! However, after the race I cooked for a couple of hours, reorganized and cleaned our bedroom for our new dresser and then walked around a bunch and now my legs are tired!

- Speaking of our new dresser, I'm so pumped about it. We got this one from Ikea (splurged for the real wood!) and I'm so happy with it, it is so much more space, like I can't believe how much more space and the really great thing is I don't even want to go buy more clothes to fill the space, and I actually am getting rid of multiple pairs of shoes. It feels so good! (Truthfully for me getting rid of things always feels good, it is just that I usually quickly replace the things with new items). In addition, I went to Anthropologie today and bought new knobs for the dresser that were a steal on sale and look great, much better than the handles it came with. It really is making me feel better and better about staying here another year.

- I can't believe how warm it was these past two days, it makes me yearn so much for Spring. Tease.

- I just found out a friend is pregnant with her 3 child and I'm so darn excited for her, and for myself to get to watch her go through the pregnancy and then get to experience, for the 2nd time, watching her raise him or her. It has been such a pleasure getting to see it happen with her youngest.

Okay, that's about it for now. I have a post forming of my 10 favorite things that begin with K- thanks to Brooke S at Shrinkering Hearts so be on the look out!

Whack Job

This week has been crazy, crazy, crazy. So many things going on at work all of a sudden. I went through my days with Matt as we ran the East Side Drive of Central Park this evening, yay for warmish winter evenings. When I finally finished at about mile 1.8 I asked what he thought. I think some of his huffing and puffing was thinking about all I had done today. He agreed that it is crazy the amount of stuff I have to do in a day, and not just that but do at once.
I was on a training call for 1.5 hours today with the line muted. This meant I could be returning emails, answering employee questions as they popped in and answering my temps questions as she did things for me. And, it wasn't that I was ignoring the training to get this done, I took the training in completely and actually am excited to get to utilize what I learned.
It is like I'm a professional mini fire fighter, or maybe more like a professional whack a mole player, not like your basic every day Joe or Jane who gets the high score at the arcade, I mean pro level, tournament winning, money making, endorsement grabbing whack a moler.
Whacking moles, left and right, hitting them before they even think to pop up. It is true, I try to be very proactive in my work.
In any event- so that's what I do everyday. And just for kicks- here's a couple of pictures Libby snapped at one of our pre-wedding festivities this summer of me playing a came similar to Whack a Mole- just for the sack of furthering the metaphor.

Quiet

It was quiet in the house the evening. I stood on the heating grate and let the warm air fill up the legs of my pants.
I looked around the darkening kitchen and almost said out loud, "You would have liked this, the house being so quiet."

Belly Aches and Groans

I just put on a big cozy sweatshirt. I love that feeling. You put it over your head and instantly you are warmer, more comfortable, even happier.
I'm feeling off. This morning my stomach was a mess, I ate some oatmeal and felt a little better.
Then my face started burning up, I was getting flush over and over again. If I had had a thermometer I would have taken my temperature.
I left at lunch time and came home to a warm bed with Matt already in it, his stomach feeling off too. But there was more, is that a cold I feel coming?
It is like old times, we decided, us being home together during a work day.
I stirred an hour in, at 3:30ish (I'm guessing) and the sky was still light, so I decided I could sleep for longer, finally getting up at 5:00. If I can fall asleep easily tonight we'll know that my body really is fighting something.
My stomach still feels off, and I'm trying to kick a head cold out with airborne and it tastes disgusting which doesn't help my stomach.
I'm boiling water for pasta, my cure when my belly aches.
I'll make some tea and then feel really cozy.
The Winter aches and pains. It really does feel like Winter out there now.

Wedding Mosaic

Wedding Mosiac, originally uploaded by adkcub.

I never get sick of looking at these, and since I haven't shared the professional final pics- here we go- a sampling!

Thoughts on a rainy night

Tonight I came home and sulked. I was all of a sudden worn out by how fast the day went and did not want to go to they late spin class which meant late dinner and late relaxation time (now there is only 45 minutes left until my 10:00 show which means just before bedtime show).

I stood in the living room with my shoulders all droopy and moped. Matt was already in his comfy clothes and I just wanted to curl up next to him.
He got up and gave me a hug and encouraged me to go, well done Husband of mine.
So I went out in to the cold rain and headed to class.
Spin, Spin, Spin
She finished 5 minutes early- and I was so close to calling her on it! I schlepped all the way there for a shortened class!?
At least I got there, right?
And, we just had breakfast for dinner, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Tonight is a night that I wish we had a TV in the bedroom, because I would brush my teeth and get right in and fall asleep watching it.
It makes me miss my room on Charnwood Rd. I loved being cozy in my big bed in my big room watching TV at night.
Although sometimes the TV would stay on way too late in to the night and I would end up watching shows like the 1/2 Ton woman or something else ridiculous on TLC. Really, The Learning Channel? More like the who can we exploit for entertainment channel.(WCWEFEC)
Anyway, Matt can't sleep with it on so that would save me there.
Someday...

Resolutions

Check out my 2009 resolution: Cooking

New Year in Review

January: I picked out my wedding dress, which is telling to what the focus of my year was. It was an overwhelming experience for me mostly because it was another step which meant I was getting married without my Dad.
I had to watch the Patriots lose their undeafted season to the Giants, with all Giant's fans.

February: This was a good month, I dove in to wedding planning, I felt really happy in all aspects of my life. The year was looking up.

March: I started Weight Watchers and Triathlon Training, another major focus for my year. Matt’s parents get a new puppy, a fun place to put some focus and energy. I picked up the memoir again and got through a chunk of it and then put it back down again.

Apri: Wedding things started to be finalized. As Spring came to the City, I spent more and more time in the park, running, walking around, taking pictures. The pope was in town and we saw him drive by. I also started the path to accepting the new man in Mom’s life.

May: Did my first Triathlon, mini, on Mother’s Day. It was the 2nd year anniversary. Took a family trip to California with Mom and Sam, had a fantastic trip. Kate and Helena both got engaged on Memorial Day!
I meet and start getting to know David.

June: The year starts to shift, A big project starts at work, I get asked to work with the VP and a Asst. Director on it, very top secret, I think fantastic I’m moving up in the world!
Running more and more outside with Matt including at night since the days were heating up so much. It felt like summer and like I was getting married soon.
Kate and Eric move back to NY, Kate throws me a fantastic Bridal Shower.

July: The highs and lows begin. Matt finishes law school, sadly his Grandfather passes away. Wedding finalization really ramps up as work gets more stressful and scary and my future is unclear.

August: They continue in August. I complete my first "real" Triathlon and love it. I'm laid off. The month ends with the best wedding EVER.

September: The month started in Hawaii, what a way to start the fall and our unemployment. The High Holidays return again bringing reflection and the emotions of the "holiday season" without Dad. Matt and I adjust to our time together during unemployment and begin our 1/2 Marathon training.

October: The month was filled with a lot of running which helped with the unemployment eating. We spent time with our unemployed friends doing fun activities. Lots of applying for jobs and not a lot of interviews.

November: Matt and I complete our first ½ Marathon! Matt's friend Emily and Jared get married. Unemployment was really getting to us, restlessness, unease and anxiety filled November. It was the first year I wasn't with my family for Thanksgiving.

December: Even with the anxiety over the economy, December is ending with the same sense of hopefulness for the future that I had last year during the winter. Matt and I are both working, we are more happier and in love than ever and our families are happy and healthy. What more could we ask for?

Here's to what I think will be a fantastic 2009, for everyone.

Melding Morning

This morning as I slowly started waking up, two dreams melded together. The first one was very weird and I'm not going to go in to the whole thing, but a piece of it involved a man trying to poison himself with a plant, and then trying to hang himself unsuccessfully. I couldn't stand it anymore so I called 911. The second dream was about being invited to a party, or maybe it was a wedding on St. Patrick's day and there was something about matching shoes. I was walking around a store and grumbling to myself about the guy from the first dream when he became Matt and then it was Matt who was in the hospital possibly dying from poison and self strangulation. Then I got upset. Then old ladies kept pushing by me as I was trying on sale shoes for the party. Then I saw a kitten and thought, oh if I pet that kitten I'll feel so much better.
I woke myself up after that, crawled across the bed in to Matt's arms and felt better.
Weird.
Even now that I'm awake, I'm remembering it. It is fun when that happens with funny, odd, interesting dreams. It isn't so much fun when it happens with dreams you are trying to stop as you are dreaming them. I'm not even going to try and explain these dreams, or give them so other meaning.

On a lighter note. I'm up early to finish packing and head North to NH. I'm so happy to be out of the City for New Years and to be with my family, just us. Happy New Year's Eve!

Brick

I feel the brick in my chest. The loss is filling me again. 2 plus years and the hole doesn't feel as big day to day. It has been awhile since I've felt it this large, this looming.
Maybe it is the time of year, birthdays a day apart and all the holiday family time, maybe it is just having sent an email to a friend who's Mother died 3 weeks ago, maybe there is no explanation.
Another birthday, another year, many many more things that go unshared, untold, unexperienced together.
I want the little things back, like sharing new music, discovering new artists together.
I want the big things back, like having him walk me down the aisle and dance me away at my wedding.

The Holiday Season

On the ride home from Connecticut tonight Matt commented that it is kind of nice that over a 4 day period we will have basically gotten to see all of our family. It does feel nice this time of year to be able to spend holiday time with all the families, we don't feel pushed or pulled in one direction and there has been no drama. Most of the Jewish holidays that both our families celebrate are split over several days which allows us to find mutually agreeable times to spend together. Last year Passover in both families was on the same night, and I hadn't seen my Dad's family in a long time and felt I had to go, Matt's family was celebrating it for the first time and he had to go. We split up, it felt like the right thing to do and worked for us. After the celebrations, later in the week, a message was passed on that I wasn't spending enough time with the family. I was shocked, and hurt and annoyed. I've moved past it so I don't want to get in to all the nitty gritty again, but it serves as a good balance of what this holiday season as been like.
Christmas was spent with my Mom's family, Channukah tonight with my Dad's and tomorrow with Matt's Mom's. Lovely. It feels like a lot, because two of the celebrations involve us driving, but it is worth it and what you do this time of year.
On Christmas we ate good cheese, drank champagne and feasted on Salmon. Tonight we ate fried latkes, feasted on desserts and drank seltzer. Tomorrow we'll eat pirogi feast on blintzes and drink, probably water. Yum.

Saturday Night Thoughts

Oh hey there.

I think I did a pretty darn good job of keeping the updates flowing whilst being unemployed. Well, now that I'm employed (woohoo!) the posting has slowed down.
I don't really have much to write about now, so I'll break it down in bullets.

Work is good, nothing I can really jump right in to, which means I won't be really able to offer a solid thought/opinion until a few months in.

Adjusting to the job was difficult in the first 2 days, but I'm in and committed and ready to take it on despite it maybe not being all I had hoped to find.

The Holiday season really snuck up on me this year. I think being out of work for 4 months made time do an odd warpish thing where in many ways it still feels like August for me, and that time hasn't moved at all. Then, looking back it is like time has completely flown. Usually I am super prepared and pumped up for the holidays (I love giving gifts). This year I made a lot of my gifts in November, but then didn't do any real shopping, or at least it didn't really feel like it. However, I still have everything I need, and yet it doesn't feel like I've done anything to prepare at all. Weird.


I love Channukah, and I'm so happy to light the menorah each night. I love the candle light and singing the blessings.

This might be TMI, but oh well. I've gotten off my normal "schedule" which left me a little backed up and bloated at the end of the week. So last night I took a laxative hoping it would help get me back on track. Yuck. I was up for an hour in the early morning, and then had awful cramping all morning. I felt like I had a stomach bug, although I did feel all cleared up. Come on, everybody poops! No more laxatives for me though. On an interesting note, when I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning I had lost a pound. Ha.

Tonight Matt and I went out to buy cupcakes and when we walked outside there was this soft light snow falling. It felt so nice to walk through the streets with him, arm in arm, with the snow falling around us. I love being married and sharing special moments like that with him. As I put on my gear to head out in the cold Matt looked at me with this cute expression and said, "Cutes mah boot" An old little pet thing we used to do, as we got outside I remembered what the responsive part had been and called out, "Sweets me beet! I love remembering the little things we use to say, which were usually on the phone since that's where we shared much of our long distance time.

Okay, off to drink my yogi tea (which told me "Where there is love, there is no question" so true.) and relax on the couch, I'm such a party girl. Ha!

Packing it in

Of course the weekend before I start my new job (yay!) I have one of the busiest we've had in a while!

Today I packed in a 4 mile road race, weight watchers meeting, trip to LI, helped Kate setting up her jewelery for a sale tomorrow, did a little Christmas shopping and now at 9pm will have dinner and relax. Except instead of relaxing I'll probably buzz around doing more holiday present stuff

Tomorrow we have Matt's Birthday dinner which usually drags on, but I can't complain since the food is good and I also want to work out, get a mani/pedi, get a hair cut and prepare for Day 1 of the new gig.

Yikes!

I kind of like it though :)

And then there was 1

Every morning between 9:30 and 10:00 I hear our neighbor open his door, step outside, shut the door and then lock it up. Clearly he is going to work. Every morning I sit inside in my pajamas, either on the couch or at my computer and I think, I wish that were me.
This week started Matt's 3 month Temp gig. It got me thinking more about returning to work, what that will really feel like. It is easy to hear the sounds of it occurring, to even see it when I've been out of the apartment early, and think I want it.
Yesterday, for the first time since the wedding, I had the apartment to myself for the day. I was both lazy and productive. I went grocery shopping, I cleaned the apartment and I read and watched TV with a bowl of popcorn. It was kind of fantastic. It was almost like I was getting to enjoy this freedom (that comes with a big cost) with a fresh perspective. It almost made me think that going back to work is going to be damn hard. Almost.
When I start to think about waking up earlier, making my way to the same place daily and being productive for 8+ hours five days a week a small part of me thinks, ugh back to the grind. An even bigger part of me thinks, "yes please". I know that once back in the work force I can look back on this time and appreciate it with a new lens, I can have vacations again and not feel guilty, I can have sick days and days off and relish in laying on the couch all day. I'm ready for the shifted perspective. Even if my empty apartment is giving me limitless possibilities of how to spend my day, and it feels kind of nice.

If I may...

A word or two about weight loss and getting in shape. Now that we are getting in to the Holiday season, the season that ends with a "new year" and resolutions, I'm seeing even more weight loss drug commercials. There was a time in my life when I would try those drug options, because I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know how else to manage my body image expectations and get myself to a place where I was comfortable with my body.
I'm at a point now where I know how to get myself to that place, I've been in that place, and I'd like to share how I got there for those readers who are feeling the strain of holiday eating habits that form and are thinking of their resolutions for the New Year.

Weight Watchers: This program works. Weight Watchers teaches you (if you are willing to learn) how to change your eating habits and then maintain new healthy eating habits. If you have a great leader and really follow the plan (which means attending weekly meetings) this program works and sticks with you. For me one of the biggest changes was portion control. The first time I did Weight Watchers I had a leader who didn't really lead and teach us everything and so it didn't really work for me and I feel off the wagon. When I went back in March I had a leader who taught the program correctly and it made such a difference.

Cross Training: Obviously you have to burn more calories than you take in, and for healthy weight loss you can maintain, that means working out not crash dieting. A key thing I've discovered through Tri-training is what a huge difference cross training workouts have. Your body gets used to exercise if you do the same one all the time. If you are changing the type of work out each day, and slowly increasing your time and intensity over many weeks you'll see dramatic results. The key with this is making sure you have a variety of work outs throughout the week, so a hard day, a day off, a stability day (stay at one intensity level the whole work out), longer workouts, intervals, etc.

Heart Rate Training: If you are really serious about using exercise to its fullest for weight loss a heart rate monitor makes all the difference. Using a heart rate monitor ensures you are paying attention to how you are working out. I won't go on too much about these, because I am no expert and you really should either talk to one, or read one to get more info. I know that heart rate training combined with cross training changed my metabolism and allowed me to get to a happy body weight.

Partnering: You can't do it alone. That is why attending Weight Watchers meetings works. I think exercising with a partner, or partners, also makes a huge difference. For me, I have a great husband who went from no exercising to running a 1/2 marathon with me because I wanted a partner to train with. If you don't have a friend or a family member, try a exercise club, or even Team in Training to get yourself out there.

Water: It really is the "beauty beverage" as my spin instructor says. If you are going to be getting healthier, you need water to do it. Don't discount it's benefits. Go out, buy yourself a cute water bottle for home and work and get your drink on.

Treat Injuries: If you are starting from zero you are probably going to run in to some minor injuries. If you are a feeling a pull or a strain treat it, don't ignore it. The worst thing you can do is ignore it and let it become something that will stop you in your tracks. For most injuries use RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation). Investigating symptoms online can usually lead you to an answer for many minor things. Don't let a pull or a strain stop you in your tracks.

So there's my list, I hope it helps. I'm usually tracking my training on my tumblr blog: adriennewrites.tumblr.com if you want to hear more about what I'm doing in my exercise regime.

It's December?

I just realized I haven't changed my calendar yet. Not that it is so crazy because it is only the 3rd day of December and I wasn't back in the apartment until Monday evening, but I'm one of those people who changes calendars the first day of the month, and updates them with any plans, meetings, etc immediately.
This week I'm feeling off. My head is pounding most of the time, my stomach is upset and I can't seem to get myself to the gym. I told myself yesterday that it was okay to just rest and let myself do what my body was telling me to do, take a nap at 4:30 and skip spinning. But today, I should have felt back and ready to go. I should have run, I should have done more research about Start Ups and cooked a nice dinner. Instead I went to the movies at 12:15 and then watched TV until falling asleep and then going out to dinner. Is letting myself sit still so much making me feel so off? I'm not a girl who sits still easily.
Hopefully 2 days of feeling off, and not liking it, will leave me feeling on tomorrow. I do know that I'm going to include an Advil Cold & Sinus with my morning routine, maybe OTCs will have to do to get me back in the G.A.M.E.