Inspired by the Lululemon email today:
2010 I Will List
I will run 2 1/2 Marathons
I will run at least 2 Triathlons
I will own a home
I will become a Weight Watchers lifetime member
I will catch up on the phone with friends instead of over email
I will travel to one place I've never been before
I will work hard and play harder
I will be creative 3 times a month
I will plant flowers, vegetables and herbs in my first Garden
I will retain my Yoga practice
What will you do in 2010?
Things I've learned so far dog sitting about how Matt and I will be as parents:
1. I will be the disciplinarian day to day, but Matt will be bad cop and I'll be good cop.
2. Matt will be uptight about things I'll let kids get away with.
3. We'll both be very loving and involved parents, duh I already knew this one.
4. We'll love having fun with our children.
5. Matt will want to have family time in bed, where we all cuddle up and watch a movie
6. We'll completely share the poop duty.
7. I'll probably take over the food duty for the most part.
8. Matt will be the patient one.
9. I'll be the parent who is up front with the faster kid and Matt will be behind with the kid who wants to lag and be slower.
10. We're going to be great!
I'm off to Savannah- to see
Kate- the bestest
Eric- The boyfriend, and also awesome
Looking forward to:
Funny conversations with Matt
Seeing beautiful landscapes
Writing in the car
Having an excuse to eat bad food
Watching the types of people at rest stops change
Getting to Kate's front door
An open stretch of road
The adventure
Not looking forward to:
Driving in a car for 13+ hours
Being nervous that if I fall asleep Matt will get sleepy
Criticizing Matt's driving (Doing it doesn't mean I like it!)
Eating bad food because we're on the road
My totally anxiety and pushiness about "just getting there"
Traffic
Look for:
Updates from Savannah to come, and lots and lots of pictures
When I knew I was moving to New York without a job, but enough money to sustain for at least a month, I dreamed of just writing all day. Sitting in my apartment, sitting in coffee shops, typing away, pouring my memories of the last year into a memoir. I lusted after that vision, wanted so badly for that to be what I was able to do once I arrived. Of course it didn't work about that, unstructured days turned into lazy ones, spent on the couch, my typing doing little more than entering email address and sending off resumes. Which, of course was necessary, but I didn't write.
Now I'm lusting after that vision again. Now that I'm working, planning, filling my days with structure again, I want to go back to the dream I didn't fulfill. Here's how it plays out in my head.
I want to clean my whole apartment, really scrub it clean. Get under the couch, pick up all the little things that are left in odd places on the floors and shelves. I want to feel dirty with my apartment clean. Everything in its place and a place for everything. Then I'll shower, a long hot shower.
I'll wrap my wet hair up and put on comfortable clothes, my bathrobe on top. I'll pump up the A/C, then shut the bedroom door, pull the blinds to the top and climb into my double comforter bed with my little laptop. I'll spend the day there, a tray of drink and food next to me, my phone on my bedside table, and I'll write.
This isn't a rant, nor am I complaining, but I just gotta write about it.
I made plans with 3 different people on 3 different nights this week and all 3 of them canceled/rescheduled. After the first two, I thought, "Okay, there is no way the 3rd isn't sticking." And then, this morning when checking email I got the note- "Can we reschedule?"
I'm all about canceling. I've always been pro-canceling. If I don't feel up to plans I'd made for whatever reason, I'm going to cancel or reschedule. Sometimes it was detrimental, when plans are rescheduled again and again and just never happen. I do regret that, but eventually you finally get together and then you have the perfect jumping off point for the time together, "Can you believe how long it took us to get together?"
If you need to cancel, just cancel, I'm totally okay with it. I became even more flexible about it after my Dad's death, I would make plans to fill my evenings and then ultimately get to the plans and back out, too fragile, too tired, etc. I was told by multiple people who'd experienced great loss, "Making plans feels good, but if you have to cancel, just do it, its okay, taking care of yourself, whatever that means, is most important." It wasn't just for myself that I became more pro-cancel, but if other people needed to cancel too. That's why these plans all falling through is cool by me, I'm not upset. I just think its a bit crazy that all 3 people who are normally not cancelers at all, one even said, "I'm not usually flaky!", had to reschedule this week. Why is that? What is it about this week?
I'm finally back in NYC for the foreseeable future, no more trips, etc. I've got a job, a routine, a life I'm starting to really live here. Going out with friends, exploring different parts of the city and building these new relationships is a big part of that, I was just starting to get into it. I was really looking forward to all the plans, admittedly the ones Monday night were refreshing to have canceled since I was completely exhausted. Why is it the all were changed? Sure I got some more free time and I'm relaxed and well reseted this week. I got to spend more time with Matt which I never stop enjoying (duh, I moved in with him) and I got more time with myself and saved some money along the way. I guess all of that is why I'm okay with canceling, there's always an upside for me. So I don't get to catch up with an old friend, I'll get some r & r on the couch with my man.
But seriously, all 3 in one week? Come on!
Here's to plans made for next week!
As the month reaches the middle and I start feeling the end of March approaching my eagerness grows to get to NY and settle in to a new way of life; living with Matt, starting a new job, navigating a new city, making new friends, strengthen old relationships. I'm also starting to find that more and more I'm living in the future, pushing through each day to get to the next and the next and then the weekend and then the next month. Is it healthy? Probably not. Do I keep letting myself do it? Yes. I need something to look forward to and I'm letting myself continue to find the next thing to look towards when current days pass. I can't remember if I've always done this or if its a result of the loss last year. I find days and times when I'm truly living in the moment, not looking towards the next moment, but they are few and far between. I'm not sure if I want to change this current mindset, its driving me, pushing me to work hard and stay motivated. I'm somewhat convinced that when I get to NY I'll want to take in each moment, each newness, relish it all and really live in it-- I'll start being in the present, surely still looking forward to the future plans I'll make, but appreciating what I have in the moment and feeling like I've finally gotten to the place I've been standing on my tip toes to see for so long.
