Packing for NH and Hawaii, in one suitcase Preparing to live out of a suitcase for a week Reading Hawaii guidebooks Printing lots Interviewing Organizing Emailing Updating spreadsheets Applying for jobs Eating cherry tomatoes from our fire escape tomato plant Reading Watching the Olympics Exercising Breaking in my wedding shoes Picking up my wedding dress Cleaning Cooking Relaxing, when I can
When I list all this out I wonder why it is that many a day I'm buzzing around the apartment with not enough to do.
Looking forward to getting to NH with some more room to spread all this out in.
I've been horrible at blogging lately. Lots of stuff going on, as evident from my previous post. Last weekend I got to escape it all in the lovely company of dear friends and the Long Island Wine Region. The green grass, grape trees, blue sky and bright white fluffy clouds gave me a much needed day of relaxation. The wine helped too. Sunday I found myself depressed. Partially because the weekend was over, partially because I had to go back to reality. This week wasn't easy either. Although I had two interviews, which makes me feel good about my job search and marketability as a candidate. Work was weird though, I felt odd being there, being a part of meetings where they are talking about things they need to learn from me and at the same time about the future of the company and jobs. I want to care and help, but I also don't want to. I'm also upset, and angry and annoyed at the whole situation. I put on a happy face, I smile and say I'm looking at the silver lining- and I am. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't suck and it is totally weird to be at the company. I feel bad for the people staying on even longer. It will be interesting to hear about how things are for the team after all 4 of us are gone and the work load remains somewhat the same. I'll miss the people I work with and have forged relationships with. Although I wasn't there as long as I was at Shawmut- there is something to be said about the fact that 2 people from Shawmut are coming to the wedding. You become a huge part of someone's life when you work closely with them. Sometimes you see the people you work with more than your family, and it is always hard to say goodbye. Change is always hard, and this month is full of it.
So about two years ago, and let's be honest- a year ago- my family was a bit of a shit storm. With good reason, of course. But as they always do, things evened out and we went back to our new normal and times were good. There were deaths, and births and weddings to be planned, the normal life event stuff. Lately, and maybe it was right around the time of the NH Tornado, things have taken to spinning a bit out of control. The good, and the bad. The other night while contemplating all of this with Mom she shared how my Brother had described it, we're in a shit tornado. (I hope you're not reading this over a meal)
Just a quick list: major death in both families resulting in some major depression 3 people in our lives with cancer, two of them dying actively from it major lay offs resulting in my job being cut A slow economy while Matt searches for a job post Law school Good friends going through breakups
Wedding and Hawaii in just over 3 weeks New and positive relationships in our lives 3 more weddings to attend and help plan in the next year Weight loss
It is all flying around us, quickly and it is so darn weird. I feel so good about so many things, and yet so sad and confused and hurt about so many other. What the fuck? At least this time we've done nothing really to cause the shit tornado, we're not the crazy ones, we're just stuck with the clean up.
Maybe we get older and wiser as we age, as we move through life and what it puts in front of us. I think that some things remain the same and remain just as hard no matter how long you’ve been coping with them or how well you have incorporated the pain in to your life. I’ve felt for the past week or so this un-excitement about my upcoming wedding. It is not that I’m not excited to be marrying Matt, I am beyond thrilled to be formally stating my desires to spend the rest of my life with him building a family. Yet, I’ve felt something in the pit of my stomach that isn’t excitement and joy when I thought about the wedding.
At first I chalked it up to stuff happening at work. I couldn’t be excited about the wedding because I had to get through some tough things there first, and they were clouding anything else in my life.
So, I focused instead on all the little things that need to be taken care of when you are planning a wedding on your own. How many guests would be staying on property, and how did we want to set up their welcome bags? What should we buy for the children coming to the wedding to play with? What did we want to get our parents as gifts? What are some weekend activities we can plan to share in with our friends? Where should I book manicures, and hair appointments? What else can I put on my To Do list to focus on instead of what I’m really feeling about that weekend and event?
Last night I picked something to really dig in to, that not only allowed me to be distracted by what the day had brought up (lack of sleep, food and doing something that brought me one step closer to the reality of the day) it also allowed me to point my anxiety and frustration at Matt. After bickering, I climbed in to bed and pulled the covers over my head.
Matt was thoroughly confused, and because of how I’d acted assumed he did something wrong, which made him confused and frustrated. I wanted to just keep pushing it down, and him out of bed so I didn’t have to talk about it. But instead I just started crying, and finally let it all come out.
The greatest thing is that I didn’t even have to verbalize it because he knew, and he was right there, just like he’ll always be, which is why I’m marrying him. But of course I did verbalize it, because just crying doesn’t get it out, I have to talk about it too. Oh the processing I have to do.
I let myself realize and put words to the fact that I’m not that excited about celebrating my wedding because my Dad won’t be there. I want to be married to Matt, but I don’t want to celebrate without my Dad. I don’t want to walk down the aisle only on the arm of my Mother and Brother. People can say all they want about being there in spirit, but it doesn’t make it better for me. He’s not there in person, and that’s what matters.
It is a weird thing when you lose someone so suddenly, so young, and tragically. Sometimes it feels like the history and past have been erased to, because there person was gone so quickly. But when I look at pictures, and when I think about Squam and what it meant to him, and what it means to our family, I am brought right back to the fact that he was such a huge part of my life, of our life as a family. But, now he’s gone, and it is hard to incorporate his disappearance with the history of my life. So I find myself finding it even harder to think about celebrating a major life milestone without him, because he’s supposed to be there, and he won’t be, and I kind of don’t want to do it without him.
I almost envision myself walking up the aisle, and suddenly in some kind of thriller, where all the pictures have him in them again, and all the past is real and full of him and I start to get excited that he’ll appear on my arm. But he won’t, and it will be crushing, yet I’ll finally be able to understand that he was there, alive and wonderful, and he’s just not anymore. And, I just keep walking down the aisle towards a man who is here, who takes care of me, and with whom I’ll build a new family to incorporate with my lopsided one.
I have no problem writing about my life in many different forms, but I always have trouble with About Me sections. I can't sit still for very long, I read, I write, I love being outdoors, I'm athletic and competitive if I allow myself to be. I love my family. I live life to its fullest and always try to stay in the moment. I find that I'm a grown up all of a sudden, and I'm loving being one.
