Absent

Lots of things whirling around, that I just don't feel like writing down flushed out. It is an interesting time of year for me. I love Spring, I love the renewal, the growth, the warmth, more sun, all of that. Spring will also always represent loss, sickness and anxiety. Every year in March and the beginning of April I relish in the things I love that begin to change with the season, and then as April turns to May I start to think more and more of my Dad. I feel the emotions I did when he was sick and dying, it doesn't matter if there is something I can attach them to or not.
Anyway- I guess it is the conflict of all of the above that stunts me. It's not like there is nothing going on in my head, I just don't feel like writing it down.
Stay tuned, I'll be back.
If you're new to the blog- check out the archives from April, May and June 06 to get a glimpse of what returns this time of year.

Weight Watchers Cool Hunting

I haven't done one of these in awhile! But, I've been thinking of all the things I could link you to- so here we go, let's have some fun!
I'm back in Weight Watchers and really enjoying it this second time, so I'll pass on some of the products I've been enjoying while making my habits and self much healthier.

FRS: I'd heard about this product for a year or so from the hungrygirl email list, and I think one other online source. I was always iffy on trying it, but come the new year I decided to stop drinking coffee- not for any health reasons as I don't think it is bad for you, but more for financial and simplification reasons ("We can leave after I have my coffee" "Oh on the way we need to stop for a coffee"). I knew that I was reliant on coffee for energy in the morning, and FRS was a great answer. Honestly, this product is the real deal. I have found myself with much more energy, I only get the 3:00/4:00 slump when I have had my second glass and it has been very helpful in helping me maintain my increased activity level. For $36/ month I get plenty to use and it auto-ships to me for free. They have a 14 day trial, which I took advantage of to test it out, and it only took a week for me to know it was making a difference. If you are looking for something like this, go for it. It is worth it.

Fiber One Bars: These things ROCK. They are packed with fiber, delicious and filling. The perfect afternoon snack when you don't think you'll make it through until dinner. The perfect thing to have in the car on a longer trip. I love them. The one downside, is the high fructose corn syrup. If that isn't something you're focused on, then this is probably the best granola/cereal bar I've come across.

Everlast Groove Pocket Crop Pants: These pants rock. I've been running outside a lot more now that the weather is turning to spring, and these are the perfect pant for it. Not only are they breathable and comfortable to run in, but I can easily put my ipod and door key in the handy pocket and not worry about a thing! I prefer crop pants for exercise since I don't have to worry about chaffing or riding up and these are great all season ones. I wasn't cold when the air was still chilly, and I didn't get too hot running in them last Saturday when temps were approaching 80. Seriously- if you're in the market, check 'em out. I was lucky and got them during a daily candy deals offer, but I'd pay full price for them too.

Amy's Burritos: These burritos have played a huge role in ensuring Matt and I are eating something healthy when we need something quick and easy. They are packed with good things that taste good too, and for the WW readers they are low in points too. I think I've tried all the dinner varieties and they are all delicious. I love them with a side of spinach salad, some sour cream and salsa and maybe a handful of corn chips. Amy makes a mean Tamale Pie too.

Skinny Cow Fudge Bars: These got me through those first few weeks after WW started of wanting something bad for me. Luckily, they hit the spot and aren't bad for you. I don't know how they did it at Skinny Cow, but these are yummy and rich tasting and the ingredients list doesn't frighten me. Seriously, give them a try. They have a weird outer couting of ice, but once you crack that, it is all fudgey goodness.

Geez, after this post you may need to hit the supermarket! Enjoy :)

Cherry Blossoms

Cherry Blossoms, originally uploaded by adkcub.

Pope and other Mania

The evening was so lovely, a walk to the West Side through the park, camera in tow to capture the cherry blossoms along the bridle path that I'm gaga over right now. We ate at a favorite place on the Upper West Side and decided during dinner to take the rest of the evening slow instead of rushing to see a movie. We'd treat ourselves to cupcakes at a nearby bakery and then stroll home through a dark and quiet park. We did just that, and it was perfect. As we neared East 72nd we realized how close we were to Pope central.
The scene was pretty wild. More emergency, police and surveillance vehicles than I could see on a weekend of Cop show Marathons. Lights, rising bullet proof watch towers, a lot of satellites raised off of trucks, many men sitting in vans watching TV, their ears trained to emergency radios. 72nd St was lit up like Times Square. Intense, and fun, to see the action, take in the "big deal" that exists just 20 blocks below us.
As we were discussing religion, life and love on the way back up Madison, my phone rang.
"860?" I said at a number I didn't recognize.
"Connecticut" Matt said.
I expected it to be my Dad's cousin calling about Passover plans tomorrow. It wasn't.
I don't want to and can't get in to it here. Needless to say, sometimes you just don't want to have information you do, and just knowing bites you in the ass. Stressful? yes. Annoying? yes. But something I need to be reminded of, and something that will help me develop and make me a better person for going through it. I just need to remind myself, that I'm not in the wrong and it will all be okay. The person calling ended the call with, "I know this isn't a nice way to start a weekend." No, definitely not a nice way to start a weekend. Writing it out is my final step of "letting it go" so to speak, and that I will. I shall let it go, and enjoy my crazy family filled Saturday and hopefully lovely and park filled Sunday.

Thursday & Saturday

Thursday
8:00- Woke up, went for a run, felt great after
10:00- Arrived at work, attempted to focus on something for 2 hours
12:45- Arrived at Doctor and felt like butterflies were eating my stomach
12:45-1:15- Had easy and stress free appointment where the Doctor told me why she went in to the field she did, that I was as healthy as can be, that there was absolutely nothing to worry about, and laughed at my jokes.
6:30- Had a fantastic wine tasting event where everyone laughed, drank, ate and had a merry time
9:00- Got home and feel in to bed, happy, anxiety free and excited, finally, for the weekend to come.

Weekend
Caught up with a friend, picked invitations, ran a good race, settled and decided on lots of details for the reception, picked specialty wines, finally met my florist and got to see a friends new lovely house!

Here's to Monday- may this be an easy, lovely, stress free week... for everyone.

Yikes

What an anxious week this is turning out to be. So much uncertainty, well not really that much- but too much for this hyper-planning mind of mine. Is it Sunday yet?
Part of the problem is all the anxiety inducing "stuff" is on Thursday- a day so far in to the week that Monday and Tuesday although relaxed and easy, have been filled with stressful thoughts of Thursday. I haven't even enjoyed the chill time. I was so anxious last night I stayed up until 1 finishing a silly chic lit book, just to do something to occupy my racing mind.

And as I ease in to the remainder of my evening tonight, I'm looking forward to Wednesday even less, why can't it just be Thursday already?
Maybe if I plan my day out a bit it will help.

8:00 AM Wake up- Work out
10:00 AM Arrive at work
12:15 PM go to Doctor
2:00 PM Arrive back at work? (Here's where the stress begins, I don't know if I'll be back by then..)
6:30 PM Have wine tasting I've organized go off without a hitch

See, see that, those 4 hours where I have to go buy all the food for the tasting and do my work, that is if I have those 4 hours at all. My Doctor's appointment may run long, my Doctor's appointment may involve something invasive that deters me from even being able to go back to work.

OY

My lovely future husband just brought me a Klonopin. Thank God. I won't even get in to the fact that I'm running in a 5K on Saturday which in and of itself causes me anxiety. (Doesn't matter the race, the reason or my preparedness I get anxious)

Fantasy

Although I’m a planner, always looking ahead, looking forward to the next moment, event, time I can plan for, I realized on Monday that I often don’t put myself, or picture myself in those future plans. I got kind of a shiver as I realized this, it came on the heels of receiving news from a doctor that I needed a closer examination of something. Of course my initial panicked anxiety was about the worst. Does my not playing out future plans mean something larger? Does it mean I won’t be there?

I thought about the wedding I’ve been planning for the last 8 months. All the details have been thought of, everything is laid out, booked, ordered, picked. Despite all that, I’ve never sat and pictured myself getting ready in the morning, walking down the aisle, having pictures taken, dancing, dining, greeting. I don’t put myself in to the plans.

I thought of something else, something closer, going to Northern CA in May. We had planned time in San Francisco and Sonoma County, we had bought Red Sox vs A’s tickets, we had inquired about VRBO places. We had talked many times about the thrill of driving up the coast, but I hadn’t pictured myself in the car, at the wineries or cheering on the sox.

I kind of shook my head as I thought of this, telling myself, it doesn’t matter. So I don’t day dream, I don’t fantasize about how it could be, will be, should be. It doesn’t have some higher relevance, it isn’t some other worldly knowledge that is being translated in to my planning. I remember a time in the months after my Dad had died, and Sammy had struggled when my Mom and I were talking about plans for the next year, in April or May and I thought to myself, “If we’re here then.” After I got off the phone, I was completely shaken. Why did I have that thought? Why was my mind going to that place? What did it mean, if anything? Did I know that one or all of us wouldn’t be here in a years time? Of course nothing happened, and we’ve all remained happier and healthier as time has moved on.

Yesterday after work, while killing time before meeting a friend for dinner I was browsing in the Gap and saw a dress I loved, I thought to myself, “This is perfect for the morning after wedding brunch.” And then I pictured myself walking around and greeting guests in it. Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought about our trip to CA and saw myself in the stands wearing my green Red Sox hat.