Anticipation

I don't remember how I felt leading up to Thanksgiving last year, I think a bit of dread and some worry. Looking back I see how I was preparing myself to be the adult. And, as it turns out, I was. Mom and I talked briefly about last year this weekend and I was reminded at some of ways the day panned out that weren't to be thankful for and how parentified I was at that moment in time. That has shifted, greatly, and I'm both thankful for it and anxious thinking about what it means in the process, it means I'm processing more- and I am.
But, regardless, I have found myself looking forward to this Thanksgiving for weeks. Maybe it marks a milestone, the shift of looking forward to holiday's that were so typically centered on family. During the period of anticipation I have found myself feeling more sad and letting myself feel more sad, it most likely has something to do with events that surrounded the last few weeks, but nonetheless I've been sad and happy and excited at celebrating a holiday, a holiday that Dad is still no longer a part of.
I'm looking forward to setting the table, mashing the potatoes, baking the pies, checking the turkey, drinking the good wine, having Matt with us, the bonfire, taking pictures, seeing my family, gushing about wedding planning, waking up and having the dining room already full of people eating leftover pie for breakfast, running in the clean fall air, the possibility of snow, and remembering it all next year with excitement for doing it again.