We Live In

A lot of inspirations come to me when I'm driving. This night was no different. I pulled up to a stop light and looked instinctively to my right. It was a car dealership, a man was sitting at his desk- facing the floor to ceiling windows. He had a focused look on his face, his mouth often moving as he read the words on the computer screen in front of him. There were two empty chairs in front of the desk, potential clients would someday sit in them. To the left of him was a chair with his jacket thrown over it, I pictured a busy day when all three chairs were used and his jacket was probably shoved under his desk rather than hung on a rack somewhere in the building. His tie was too tight and I wondered why it hadn't been loosened already, the work day was over. Or maybe there were clients about to walk through to the door to sign the agreement he was drafting. He looked to his left, at the paper copy of what he was typing I assumed. Writing it all out in long hand first, as I did with this entry, writing quickly at future stop lights so I could remember my thoughts at that moment, so I could accurately capture it here, so he could accurately write up the numbers that had been agreed upon days earlier at a quick stop in to browse that turned into a purchase, a "We'll come back later this week to sign."I wondered why he never realized I was watching him, the light was long and my eyes were locked. Too focused on the work in front of him, driven by the possibility of sale, his tight tie driving him to finish so he could pick the jacket up hours later, loosen the tie and head home. Coldplay's "Beautiful World" came on the radio and the light changed to green. I pictured him standing up, his white man-tailored shirt a little too tight around his belly, his tie straightened, shaking hands fervently with the incoming soon to be owners. Them thinking their world would be a bit more beautiful with a new car.

Future Girl

As the month reaches the middle and I start feeling the end of March approaching my eagerness grows to get to NY and settle in to a new way of life; living with Matt, starting a new job, navigating a new city, making new friends, strengthen old relationships. I'm also starting to find that more and more I'm living in the future, pushing through each day to get to the next and the next and then the weekend and then the next month. Is it healthy? Probably not. Do I keep letting myself do it? Yes. I need something to look forward to and I'm letting myself continue to find the next thing to look towards when current days pass. I can't remember if I've always done this or if its a result of the loss last year. I find days and times when I'm truly living in the moment, not looking towards the next moment, but they are few and far between. I'm not sure if I want to change this current mindset, its driving me, pushing me to work hard and stay motivated. I'm somewhat convinced that when I get to NY I'll want to take in each moment, each newness, relish it all and really live in it-- I'll start being in the present, surely still looking forward to the future plans I'll make, but appreciating what I have in the moment and feeling like I've finally gotten to the place I've been standing on my tip toes to see for so long.

Resolutions

I said I wasn't going to make a resolution this year. I actually said to a group of people, I'm resolving to not make a resolution. One of them smartly replied, "That's a resolution". Okay, so it kind of is... but then I got to thinking about really making one.

Last year I resolved to try a new restaurant every month. I was really on track until April. I found some great new restaurants too, the Ivy was probably my favorite find. Maybe it was last years resolution getting stomped on by the enormous life change that made me not want to make one this year. Maybe it is that I just want to live each day and not worry about fulfilling a resolution. Maybe I've already resolved myself to too many changes and newness this year.

Sunday evening I was doing nothing around the apartment and realized I hadn't turned the TV on. Usually when I have an evening to do nothing the TV is on in the background. I decided, I watch too much TV and I have a stack of 5 books on my nightstand that I want to read. I determined my resolution would be to read more. So, as my starting point here is what I'm reading and why... maybe it won't only motivate me to dig in and read these books, but motivate some of you out there to find a great book, turn off the TV and dive in.

Downtown- I started reading this book last year, it got me through many Lucky Star bus trips to NY. It inspires me to explore my new city and has already gotten me excited at the wonderful place I'm moving to and all the possibilities its held for so many people.

Banishing Verona- I love Margot Livesy's writing. She brings characters to life in such interesting ways and has a really great style of creating quirky characters that you can really buy into.

Kaddish- This books captures not only the mourning process and where it can take you, but its a similar style to what I want to write and maybe publish someday about losing my father and where it took me

Inside Every Woman- I'm reading this for a bzz campaign, it did inspire me to start writing the above mentioned book, but mostly I read it as my "light" reading and to look for some tidbits I can take away.

There are many more on my shelves, and recommendations that have come my way. Hopefully regardless of where this year takes me its a resolution I can keep!

So This is the New Year

I feel obliged to write a New Year post. As a blogger, I read other blogs and I've found that most of them have written the classic New Year post. "I can't believe what happened to me this year, I'm so happy, what a great year, I'm so different, blah blah blah blah." (nothing against those typical new years post, I read them don't I? And I enjoy them.)

Well- mine may be a bit different. I'm so glad this year is over. The first 3 months of it were really the only that hinted a nice 2006 filled with happy changes, fun adventures and opportunities to grow and change in positive ways. I can't even remember anything that happened January-February. Come April and my year basically turned to shit. There were changes, there were adventures and I sure as hell grew- but there wasn't anything positive about it- and honestly I don't want to do the typical "lets find the positivity in it" writing. I think I've done that and I hold that inside of me, the underlying optimism and positivity, still. But at the end of the day, I'm really f-ing glad this year is done.

I wrote back in the fall about my hesitance to call the Jewish New Year my New Year. I'm ready now. I'm still hesitant, there is a bit of pessimism that shows itself more prominently in me now, but I'm also excited at the plans I've made for 2007 and the hopes I have for what the year could mean for me, my family and my friends.

As we rang in the New Year here last night my Mom put on a Death Cab song... "The New Year" and I'll leave it here for you. For me, its a fitting description for the pessimist in me. For the optimist in me I see a fitting description of the possibilities a New Year can hold if you don't put too much weight on the occasion and just keep living each day.

Happy New Year

"The New Year"

Death Cab For Cutie- Transatlanticism

so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back.

there'd be no distance that could hold us back (x2)

so this is the new year (x4)