Not to say I'm not a little Crazy...

I think I need to give myself a prize at the end of this two weeks, if we come out of it with the outcome I'm hopeful of, that is. And then I think, the next 2 months of my life might be like this. Then I kind of cry a little, and then grumble, and then want to hide under the covers. Thankfully, I finish this process with reminding myself that I have tools at my disposal. One of my go to's for the past month has been running. I've been writing about it a lot over here. Last Wednesday was a rough day and I came home really wanting to whine, lay on the couch ignoring life via TV watching and whine some more. I went running instead and came back in the door for the 2nd time that night feeling renewed. The same thing happened tonight.
When people ask me about running, especially when people marvel at the distances I've run I always throw in a, "It keeps me sane!" Because, seriously, it does. Also keeping me sane, my awesome Husband, fantastic friends and family I can bounce everything off of. (Also that was a great way to give some props via links- go on and click on them people!)
But back to running. There is something so healing in the pounding of my feet on the pavement, the feeling of the air on my face and how easily I can move through my thoughts and get to a place where I feel steady and strong and ready to face what the world throws at me, good and bad and everything in between.
Those endorphins it releases, they are powerful, and key tools for me to remember to use as I head further in to this time they call, being an adult.

Morning Coffee

Something about the cooler temperatures, and crisper air makes me want to nestle in and write, write, write. I'll take it!
Last night I couldn't sleep- and I wanted to open up this page and just word vomit, but then I decided that I always write in those situations, when the words just flow out of me and usually it is melancholy. I decided to push myself to not write when it is easy, to sometimes make it a little bit more challenging and write when maybe I don't feel it. That is when you can yield the greatest reward- right?
I'm drinking some Dunkin' Dounts coffee and it transports me right back to Boston. You know what else does? Finding out from a friend last night that she was going out to get drinks with a guy she briefly dated when we were roommates, flash backs here they come! I can feel myself back there, back in that place in my life. It was good. I didn't feel it in the moments, but looking back, I had it, I had that typical post collegiate experience. I moved in with someone from school, I set up shop in a new city and I slowly started taking those big adult steps everyone has to take at some point. We had a good thing going. It started off with crazy nights out every weekend, typical, I know. Then it transitioned in to more neighborly get togethers. TV nights, pot luck dinners, shared holiday fun. We were growing up and it felt good. And then it had to end.
At the time, I didn't really let myself think too deeply about what moving really meant. I was going through a shit storm of a time emotionally, I won't even link to blogs about it but just head back to the Fall of 2006 and Winter/Spring of 2007 and you'll see, and so moving kind of felt like running away. I thought that if I moved, things would be better, I guess. Of course that never is the way.
I look back now and think of how months before I had already left, I was already gone and I wonder how that must have felt for my roommate, my dear friend. I know I had been pushing her away emotionally for months. It didn't have anything to do with her, I was dealing with my own shit and pushing away was sometimes easier than letting in.
Sometimes I want to talk to her about it, ask her what it was like for her, how she felt during all of it. Apologize. Maybe she didn't even notice, maybe she was busy with her own emotions at moving in to a new place, at starting a new chapter of her life.
I got through the haze of everything and started to look back and think about the person I was. Sometimes that's not easy.
But then I drink a cup of DD coffee and I remember the good times, and I miss it all, so much. Moving to NY was one of the best decisions I've ever made and I wouldn't change it, anything about it.
I guess I have to realize that it is more nostalgia than anything. There are always things you can look back on and think, "Those were the good years!" "That was the best time of my life."
And then you have to turn around, and look at what you have now, look at what lies ahead of you. It gives me chills to think of all that is to come in my life, all that is just about to happen, like right there, right now.
And maybe I'll have another cup of DD coffee in a year or so from now and think, "remember when I was just on the edge of all of this and was thinking about my years becoming an adult? Oh shit, I really am one now!"

Running to where I want to be

There's a lot I've been wanting to say lately, or write about. I keep not sitting down and just writing it. I let myself get caught up in other things. There's a lot to get caught up in this life. Last night I went for a run with a friend. Right at the time when we can either turn left and do 4 miles or stay straight and make it 5 we were getting to the meaty stuff, the part of the conversation when we're both going to say some things that will be realizations for us, that will help us grow. So I didn't even ask, I just guided us straight. I figured we'd both need the extra mile to process. And I think we did. It was a good moment. It kind of felt like a Sex and the City moment, when the writing was great and the characters were going through things that you could see yourself going through without the sex, the clothes and maybe generally the life style. I was honest with her and to myself. I realized something, like I thought I would. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "You know, I really believe you can have it all, you have to be open to it though. You have to be open to letting someone come in to your life and take up a lot of time."
Her: "You're right. You have it all. Look at you, you just transitioned in to a great new job, you've got a great relationship and now you're looking for a house. It kind of makes me want to go puke on the sidewalk!"
We laughed, she was joking, (right!?). But then I realized that thing and so I responded,
"You're right, but I've definitely made some choices in my career to have the relationship be center. I could have my PHR, I could have pushed harder and done more. I could be staying at work until 8 every night working on projects, but I don't."
And then we ran on, and I kind of moved on from it as we chatted about less heavy things. It is true though, I don't throw myself in to work because I would rather throw myself in to my life outside of work. I use my drive and my smarts to get a lot of shit done when I have to be here. I'm lucky that I don't have to stay at work until all hours to get to the place I'm at, however I could be further in my career. I struggle with that sometimes. I sometimes feel like I haven't realized all I can be. But then I have to let it go, because in other areas of my life I'm where I should be , whatever that means, and I've definitely worked hard to get there. To get here. Right where I want to be.

Earlier

A friend told me that to train herself to get up in the morning and write she just started setting her alarm a little bit earlier everyday. She probably told me this a few months ago. It just sunk in what a brilliant idea it is and exactly what I need to do to start making morning work outs part of my routine. It also donned on me, that she is doing this so she can write in the mornings and I would do it to exercise in the mornings. I guess that's where my priorities lie right now. I enjoy writing, I think I'm good at writing, I go through phases of focused writing. Right now, I'm not placing it in my top priorities. This is way having blogs, yes multiple, is a wonderful thing. I can still keep writing in my life.

Sometimes I feel guilty about my priority list. I shouldn't do that. It isn't worth it. When I'm ready. Life is short, and you should live each day to its fullest, but I also feel that you shouldn't live each day as a test of how much you can do and accomplish to make yourself be the person you think you want to be, or should be, or others want you to be. Living in the present means being present. This is turning in to a post of cliches, so before it does I'll sign off. And go live by going to bed. A girl needs her sleep!

Wedding Survey

I love being married, I love my husband. I feel like I only write when I'm blue or thoughtful, so here's a random fun post for you!

1. How long have you been married?
1 year and 2 months!

2. How long have you been together?
9 years and 3 months!

3. Where did you go on your first date?
Haha- our first "date" was reading magazines while I was on duty, and then taking a walk to the archery fields- oh camp!

4. Where did you go on your last date?
Hmm- last night we went for a run together, that was nice- I guess our last "date" was Second City on our Anniversary trip to Chicago!

5. What's your anniversary date?
August 31

6. Where were you married?
Squam Lake, NH

7. What was your best/favorite wedding gift and from whom?
Probably from our parents- paying for the greatest wedding ever. My favorite actual gift is this beautiful vase I fell in love with when we opened it- I can't wait to showcase it when we have more room!

8. Where did you honeymoon?
Hawaii

9. What food do you like now because of your spouse?
Beef

10. What type of music do you like now because of your spouse?
He's introduced me to so much great music. Arcade Fire, Joseph Arthur, MGMT, Sigur Ros, so many more- one of the things I really love about being with him his that he loves music and all kinds just like my Dad did- so it is great to keep getting introduced to new and excited stuff.

11. What movie or television program do you like now because of your spouse?
Hmm- probably Curb.

12. Favorite PG thing you like doing together?
Cuddling

13. Last gift you bought your spouse?
Flowers

14. Last gift your spouse bought you?
My lovely anniversary earrings!

15. Favorite things about your spouse?
There are too many to list- but the greatest thing is how he loves me, unconditionally and without reserve.

16. Something you disagree about:
Sports fandom and how angry to get about things you can't change- such as bikers in NYC breaking laws. ;)

17. Book that you both like:
We've never read the same book!

18. Worst shared experience:
My Dad dying

19. Best shared experience.
Our wedding, and being unemployed together. We are so disgustingly happy and in love more than ever.

20. One thing you want to do together in the future.
make babies