3 years ago on May 7th you took your last breaths. As your life left your body, ours were changing in so many ways, still entwined with you. As we moved through the beginning stages of grief, we each began to take on pieces of who you were, each of us embracing a part of you. Mom took on your bad boy qualities, Sammy thought he had to take over the role as “Dad” but that’s another story, and I took on your responsible qualities. It wasn’t an ideal way to be living, but we got through and learned a lot and are such a strong family now. A family with a huge gaping hole, but still a strong one. We protect our weakness through being grounded in it, and grounded in groundlessness. I think we’ve gotten pretty good at it. Wow that sounded like Mom.
So now, it is 3 years later. The first year, we had the unveiling and I was home for the week. I had just moved to NYC to be with Matt, and was in all honesty pretty depressed. That week Mom and Sam were driving me crazy and I felt like I had to take care of everything. It wasn’t a great time for any of us, a year is nothing and we certainly had only begun to heal. I remember being so annoyed with everyone and wanting nothing more than to get out of there. The unveiling was what it was, they are never easy, I have found.
The second year was better, I had settled in to the city, I was planning a wedding, Mom had met someone, and we had figured out the right roles to be in. We spent the end of the month in CA, our new smaller family (But maybe not since Matt was/is a part of it now) and it felt good and I felt happy and sad, I let myself feel both things.
So here we are, the third year. I took the day off today, to let myself reflect and be with my thoughts.
I walked around the park earlier this afternoon and took some pictures. I sat on a bench and people watched, not sure if I was about to be rained on or not. Why is it always rainy around your deathaversarry? It felt good to be in nature as I let the day sink in, I could feel you all around me in it. Everything is so lush after all this rain, I can see the upside.
I feel sad. I miss you, I miss the family we had, I miss hearing you say, “Cub!”, I miss sharing my life with you and hearing your advice and wisdom. I miss watching you and Matt get to know each other and share interests with each other. I missed you walking me down the aisle and dancing with me at my wedding. I already miss my children not having their Grandpa Eric.
But Dad, life is good. I’m so madly in love with Matt and so honored to be his wife. I’m making my way in the world and kicking ass in my career. I have dreams and I’m going to keep making you proud like I told you I would. Mom has a new man in her life who is sweet, kind, caring and crazy about her and I’m so happy for her that she has found someone to keep sharing her life with that also cares about us. Sammy is finding his way in the world and is going to do great things with his life. He’s in Japan right now and I’m so proud of him and all that he is experiencing. I told you, we’re a strong little holey family and we’ve really figured out this life without you present in it. It just isn’t always easy.
There’s so much more I want to say, but I know you know.
I love you Dad,
Thursday, May 7