Fantasy

Although I’m a planner, always looking ahead, looking forward to the next moment, event, time I can plan for, I realized on Monday that I often don’t put myself, or picture myself in those future plans. I got kind of a shiver as I realized this, it came on the heels of receiving news from a doctor that I needed a closer examination of something. Of course my initial panicked anxiety was about the worst. Does my not playing out future plans mean something larger? Does it mean I won’t be there?

I thought about the wedding I’ve been planning for the last 8 months. All the details have been thought of, everything is laid out, booked, ordered, picked. Despite all that, I’ve never sat and pictured myself getting ready in the morning, walking down the aisle, having pictures taken, dancing, dining, greeting. I don’t put myself in to the plans.

I thought of something else, something closer, going to Northern CA in May. We had planned time in San Francisco and Sonoma County, we had bought Red Sox vs A’s tickets, we had inquired about VRBO places. We had talked many times about the thrill of driving up the coast, but I hadn’t pictured myself in the car, at the wineries or cheering on the sox.

I kind of shook my head as I thought of this, telling myself, it doesn’t matter. So I don’t day dream, I don’t fantasize about how it could be, will be, should be. It doesn’t have some higher relevance, it isn’t some other worldly knowledge that is being translated in to my planning. I remember a time in the months after my Dad had died, and Sammy had struggled when my Mom and I were talking about plans for the next year, in April or May and I thought to myself, “If we’re here then.” After I got off the phone, I was completely shaken. Why did I have that thought? Why was my mind going to that place? What did it mean, if anything? Did I know that one or all of us wouldn’t be here in a years time? Of course nothing happened, and we’ve all remained happier and healthier as time has moved on.

Yesterday after work, while killing time before meeting a friend for dinner I was browsing in the Gap and saw a dress I loved, I thought to myself, “This is perfect for the morning after wedding brunch.” And then I pictured myself walking around and greeting guests in it. Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought about our trip to CA and saw myself in the stands wearing my green Red Sox hat.