Losing Control

It’s hard work growing up, and sometimes harder still when you see someone else trying to, working at it, realizing it. And there’s nothing you can do but tell them- “It’s going to be okay- you’re going to get through this, it’s tough now but somehow you survive and come out better on the other end.”

It’s hard watching people you love make the same mistakes and worry about the same things you did, and they just have to. There isn’t anything you can do to fix that for them, you’re just not allowed to. Everyone has to live through these experiences to get to the next level, to grow up, to wisen up, to mature.

I want to reach out and just make it better, but I can just be here and remind him of that, a couple of times at least, because you know those 21 year Male brains can’t hold on to that much.

I had an epiphany the other day, that I need to stop trying to control everything around me all the time. It was only while having the epiphany that I started to realize how much I really am trying to control things, all the time. And I have to change that, I have to step back and let things happen how they will, I can’t always have my hand on each wheel making sure we are on the path I want to be on. Sometimes I have to let go and just sit back, and know that however it turns out, big and small, I’ll be okay.

I believe it is a fall out from loss and grieving that has made me try to control the world around me even more tightly. I lost and that means I didn’t have control, I don’t have control and that fear becomes the drive, passion, the lust for it back. And as I started to fully grieve again more recently I tried harder to grasp on to what I could and tightly control it. But I realized, during said epiphany that losing is partially hard because you realize what you don’t have control over- and when things don’t go the way you’ve tried to force them to go disappoint is paramount. If I keep trying to tightly control everything I can, won’t I just grieve that much harder when things don’t go my way? Aren’t I just pushing back the grief and filling the space with the obsession with control? If I’m going to truly process and move to whatever next step there is, don’t I have to try and let myself give in to the lack of control? To honor and recognize that there are many things you can control and while there are things you can, most times you shouldn’t try too hard to control everything, especially the little things like your Fiancée making dinner plans with his parents that get you home later than you had planned for, because when you let go and let things happen how they will sometimes you find that everyone around you is happier, because they are all getting a say too.

Now I’m recognizing all the things I’ve been trying to control, now I can stop myself. I found myself calling out, “Yes!” when the JP at Jen’s rehearsal stood where I wanted him too (Other people had suggested he stand there) and my friends turned and laughed at me. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said as I put my hand over my mouth and through my mind ran the words, “I’m crazy!” There was a woman at the rehearsal that kept calling out to the JP and telling him what to do, we talked about who we thought she was and one friend said, “Adrienne she’s you when you get older.” “You’re right,” I said although I wanted to deny it. But I can change that now. I don’t want to see myself as growing up to become a controlling woman who can’t keep her desire to make things ‘just so’ to herself. I want to give great ideas when they’re asked for, and be in just enough control to be successful and balanced. But I’m not balanced now, too much control doesn’t allow for that, or too much attempt at control. I’m getting there though.

Being able to sit back and watch and help when I can, and when it makes sense, as my little brother grows up in the way he needs to is a good step in that direction.