Friday, June 9

F-ing Father's Day

I have to admit, I'm starting to hate Father's Day. Its everywhere, and my pain is still so fresh and real that its almost like pouring salt in my wound. Every commercial, every catalogue (and the internet shopping me gets a lot of them), every advertising email(again the internet shopping me gets a lot of them). They all happily talk about the lovely upcoming Father's day and all the lovely ideas for your lovely father.

I delete them with anger and frustration, thinking, "Leave me alone I don't have a father I can buy anything for, and besides I already had gotten him something (tickets to a red sox game along with 3 others, so the whole family could go) and now I have to attend that something without him.

I'm thinking about him and what living without him is going to be like constantly, and now I have to be reminded how loads of other people still have their fathers and they get to celebrate him while I make plans to visit the family he's left in his wake and perhaps put flowers on his grave. Father's day sucks. I don't need a day to celebrate him, I never did, anyway- I celebrated him constantly. We were close, I was a reflection of him in so many ways and just by becoming a successful adult I was celebrating him. I still celebrate him and his memory, every day as I figure out what living without him is going to be like, and how I can continue becoming a reflection of him and what he would have, was, could have been.

Then, I feel guilty, because I'm so happy/thankful for my family and friends who do have Father's to celebrate and should be. Family is so important. I want my friends to be making plans to spend the day with their Fathers and thinking of wonderful gifts to give him to honor him and thank him for being a wonderful Dad.

But, then, deep down I still resent and am annoyed with Father's day. Maybe because its coming so soon after losing mine, maybe if it had been a year after I wouldn't be hating it so much as it approaches. Who knows. I guess we'll see how I feel next year, I have a hunch it will be very similar.

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