There's a line/scene in Sex and the City that always struck me. Carrie is at her book release party and her and Charlotte are talking. Carrie says, "I'm lonely. The loneliness is palpable." Charlotte doesn't really say much, kind of looks at her with a sad face. Someone else interrupts them, and then Charlotte just leaves, leaves Carrie alone. This has always struck me for two reasons; one being it is just so true to life-there are often times when you can really reach and grab the loneliness, it takes hold of you in such a strong way its physical, two being why does Charlotte just leave? One of her best friends has just confessed to how alone she's feeling and then you just walk away? It has always disappointed me.
I was thinking about that line a lot today. I'm lonely, and it is palpable. I have a number of little things I usually do to help with loneliness, its something I'm somewhat experienced at having been in a long distance relationship for almost 6 years. I've done all these things, and I'm still not able to move past the loneliness. Usually the longer you do something, the easier it becomes, the more natural it becomes- this is not true with long distance. The longer you're with someone and the more you understand that they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, the harder it becomes to cope with being far away from them.
Its wonderful how easy it is to adjust to them visiting for longer periods of time, how easy it is to have them be a part of your usual everyday routine, how quickly you feel comfortable with them beside you in bed and next to you on the couch. And you don't even realize that you've adjusted to it until they are gone and you're left alone and with an empty spot next to you in bed and across from you at the table.
And then, you're just left with the empty feeling, the palpable loneliness. And you know they feel it too, and whining about it to each other can only go so far. And when I'm lonely I usually just want to be alone, to mope about and feel sorry for myself. I know it doesn't do me much good, and that distractions help make the adjustment easier, and yet thinking through it and coming out of the funk on my own is the path I usually take.
So, I think back to being upset about Charlotte's reaction to Carrie's confession and I realize- that as a friend I would never leave someone who'd just told me they were lonely- but as Carrie, I think I'd rather be left alone. And, I don't think I'd ever be in Carrie's situation because I don't usually talk about it when I'm lonely, its the aftermath of being the only one of my friends in a serious relationship for so many years- I always felt guilty talking about being lonely when my friends were still in the process of finding someone. But maybe I should learn to speak up, reach out, maybe this is my way of doing it.
Nevertheless, I'm still lonely.