Focus!

I can't focus. I stare at the screen and can't pick one thing to do. I'm a little jumpy. Maybe it is that I haven't had a good hard workout in a few days, maybe it is feeling like I need a real day off. Who knows. What I do know is that I can't focus.
I have something to work on that I enjoy, that is very HRey and yet I still can't even focus on that! I want to putter around the internets and kill time. I want to go walk around SoHo and spend money I don't have. Actually, I don't want to do that, but in the past I would!
I want something delicious to drink, and something crunchy to munch on. I want to be working closer to him so my commute isn't so long.
I want to not be working at all, or working for myself.
I want it to be Spring and for my ears to not still be thawing after the walk to work.
Yeah, maybe that is what this all comes down to. I'm going stir crazy because my body is ready for it to be Spring, and that weather out there is NOT Spring weather.
I wish I could say I feel better. But I don't. I'm going to go walk around the office with purpose so it looks like I have something to do, but really it is just an excuse to get up from my unfocused desk.

$9 bottle of wine

TGIF.
I've always had good luck on Friday the 13th. Today wasn't one of those days. I think I need to chalk it up to not letting myself just float through the moments, not letting myself sit back and let things unfold. Letting myself feel to much emotion for inconsequential things, letting myself hold on to things too closely and too harshly.
I came home with a $9 bottle of wine from Best Cellars. It was delicious and light and just what I needed. A quick shot to the head of wine. Perfect.
I came home to a husband who always calms me, relaxes me, helps me melt the day away... just with his presence.
I came home and immediately felt better.
I drew in my journal- mostly just lines and symbols. It helped.
I signed up for indeed.com alerts. That helped too.
I may be being reactive, but maybe doing it now is actually proactive. I think my fear stems from someone else being reactive, but better for me to stay out ahead of it, right? Even if it is just nonsense. Sorry to be vague, I just don't want to get in to that stuff here, and it is nothing serious- so don't worry.
I have a cup of tea brewing in front of me. Yogi bedtime calm. It tells me, "By honoring your words, you are honored." So, here I am using my honored words to honor myself.
I will have a lovely and relaxing weekend, that will be honoring myself.
TGIF

In my blood

I'm organizing an in-office blood drive through the NY Blood Center and have been for the last few months. The date kept getting pushed back because other things were popping up. (Funny side note, I was editing reviews for people and someone wrote: "She's great at figuring problems out when the poop up.")
The woman I dealt with was a real piece of work, she defines the saying. She must be great at her job because there was no way I was forgetting about doing this drive. When she finally got me on the phone, I showed great patience(I'm not too proud to admit it) and listened to her and answered her questions and she got me to nail down a date. Seriously, good at her job.
The next step was an in person meeting, something I was not looking forward to. This woman came in as a force. She had a huge bag, charms all over her cell phone and a lot to say.
She continually complimented me, complimented the office (it is not that nice). She seemed like she couldn't get over me, it was kind of funny and flattering too. The meeting was actually really informative and she was a pleasure to meet with.
So this afternoon she calls me, she went on for a bit about what a pleasure it was to meet with me, what a great thing I'm doing and how she's been thinking about me and my personality, how it is just great. It was kind of cute and then I moved on to other things.
As I left the office today, and was taking in how it was still light out, I thought about the phone call again. I like to think of myself as a centered (for the most part) person, someone who cares about other people while still caring for and about themselves. Someone who wants to see the good in people, situations, etc. I'm an optimistic person. I also think because of what I've gone through in my early twenties I am someone who probably has a bit of an older soul than other people my age. So I thought, maybe she saw all this? Maybe she is someone who picks up on people's auras, what they put out in to the world that isn't seen by the naked eye. I can't imagine that just meeting with me once and talking on the phone with me she would pick up and express all that she has, especially since I sent her some curt emails at the beginning.
It made me feel good. I want to know that who I feel I am is put out in to the world without me consciously knowing it, I suppose because that means it truly is who I am. I guess it solidified for me a confidence in what I'm doing and who I've become. Geez, this Blood Drive organizer is really really good at her job.

That Time

I was walking to the train this morning thinking about how I hadn't really written here recently. (I've been keeping up pretty well with my other blogs) I was thinking how I wanted to write a cheesy post about how happy I am. Blissfully so I've been saying.

I was thinking how, I don’t often want to write posts describing my luck in finding a partner who so perfectly complements me, and who so often compliments. But I should write them I convinced myself. And maybe it will help others be inspired to find that in their lives, although I will say it doesn’t always happen and I don’t think it happens often and I consider myself truly among the luckiest who get to find that. Sorry, that's probably uninspiring.

So, obviously I hadn’t written that post yet, I would probably have tonight.

I sat down and looked at this picture. Immediately my mind jumped to a longing, a deep missing of my Dad. We’re so carefree and happy in the picture, despite the crushing loss to the Angels we witnessed that day. I just wanted to sit down and be sad, and of course I wanted to write it out. So there goes the I’m so happy post.

It is that time of year again when the feelings of sadness are stronger, when they come on unexpectedly and linger for longer.

I find myself most of the time living with this kind of foggy knowledge of a piece missing, but my life is full and I’m living well. Then February turns in to March and my head goes back to the time when that foggy knowledge was a strong anxious feeling of an impending loss, and then comes April and I’m back in panic mode and then we reach May and I’m just in a fog of sadness again, I turn foggy.

I know it is coming, and so I prepare for it when I think of it, but I don’t think there is anything I can do except ride with it. The biggest lesson I’ve learning, and it was a hard one to learn, is to just feel. You have to be present to the feeling, you have to let your body and mind succumb to it and it will flow in and then out of you. I promise, it will flow out if you let it. Too many people feel the emotions flow in to them and then shut their body up so it never leaves. It weighs on them, twisting and turning inside. I know. I’ve been there.

The same can be true of good emotions too, feel them, breath them in and let them fill you. The real test is letting them both be inside you at once. I can’t let my blissful happiness and fullness of love leave just because some sadness enters. I don’t have to let it leave. I will be present to them both. Because if my Dad left me one legacy it was how to build a life full of love, love you are proud of and show. He was never afraid of emotions, he once rewound the end of Sleepless in Seattle over and over to watch the end and let himself cry. And boy do I miss getting to tease him about that.

Greener

I was thinking today how for so much of the last 2+ years I've been waiting for the next big thing. I don't think I've really felt settled in a place since the first few years out of college, when life was just about taking this exciting new step and settling in to being a grown up. I had fun, I didn't think too much about the future and for most of my time in Somerville Matt was living nearby.

After my Dad died I concentrated on living in the moment, just being in that second and getting to the next. Then I decided to move to NY and everything was about getting there. Then I got here and everything was about getting a job. Then I got a job and next was getting engaged. We got engaged, then it was about the WEDDING. We got married!!! But we also got unemployed and it was about getting a job, if it hadn't have been about that, it would have been about getting a house. Now we're employed, and staying here for another year, but I don't feel the settled feeling I'd like to feel as a newlywed. I am blissfully happy with my husband, but not with my situation.
I want a house, I want a yard, I want to make a place ours, our first place.
I can't watch the new home shows on HGTV anymore because it makes me too anxious, too uncomfortable, too I want to be there and I can't be for my own good.
The timing isn't right for us, but the problem is it was and then that got screwed up because of losing jobs and a losing economy. It was supposed to be our time, and it isn't anymore and now I can't just sit with it and be happy where I am.
It is like I've been in this head first into the next thing phase for so long that I can't just sit back and be happy and settled. I want so badly to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing next. It is who I am. I am results oriented, I am driven, I go out and get it, which makes me a great employee and business woman, but is not always so great when I have to wait for the right time. The thing is I have patience, for many many things, but not for this.
How do I get back to just being in a moment and letting myself be? How do I just sit back and let things happy the way they will, not the way I want them too? There must be a flip I can switch somewhere, or is it not that easy? I have a feeling it's not.
When I'm sitting in a desk chair I'm usually leaning forward, I just realized that. Leaning in to the words, in to the computer, in to what I'm about to do next even though I haven't finished what is right in front of me.
Things are good right now. I have a husband I adore, who adores me. I have a job in an economy when they are scarce. I have my family and friends who are all healthy and happy. Things are good right now, and I need to start taking that in instead of jumping to a place where I think they might be better.
The grass is greener right below your feet.

You next to me

I have this issue that I am compelled to write about now since I'm presently dealing with it. I can't fall asleep unless Matt is home. And lately, now that we are on similar schedules it is hard for me to fall asleep without him in bed.
I guess it makes sense, when we weren't living together I had trouble falling asleep without talking to him before I went to bed.
I am a very independent woman, I think Matt and I have the appropriate and healthy level of co-dependency. We are married, after all. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that we want to spend as much time together as possible. Yet, sometimes it troubles me that I have this issue.

Tonight, for example, I intended to go to bed early, and all signs were pointing to this happening. I got in bed at 10:15 with my book and read for about 35 minutes. I felt sleepy so I turned off the light and tucked myself in. Then my mind starts racing, and I start listening for the door. Then I heard something fall and I thought, oh good he's home and he's just knocked something over. So, of course still being awake I got up. And, lo and behold he's not home and something just fell on its own. So now, I'm really up and I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep without him getting home. It is a mix of the comfort of him being in the bed with me and anxiety at his not being home and thus me not knowing he is safe.

I guess my being troubled comes from the place of it being inconvenient for me, among these other things. I wanted to get up early tomorrow and work out, and now when my alarm goes off at 5:45 it is less likely I will respond to it.

But as I think this through I have to remember how lucky I am to have a man I want next to me, to have someone to worry about and listen for at night, and most importantly who wants to be next to me each and every night for the rest of our lives.
Speaking of which, he just got home. Goodnight!

2009 Visits Home in Polaroids

The Letter K

So a week or so ago brookem over at Skrinkering Hearts had a fun post. She had been assigned the letter S and had to list 10 things she loved that start with S. She offered to provide letters so her readers could do the same and I got a K.
If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

So here we go, 10 things I love, or like a lot or just like that begin with the letter K (it is harder than you think!)

1. Kiehl's: I haven't met a Kiehl's product I didn't love. I use their shampoo, their cuticle cream, their lotion, their lip balm and got Matt using their aftershave lotion. If I had more money to throw around, or any money, I would buy more Kiehl's products. For now, I'll stick to just the shampoo and cuticle cream and try to find cheaper options for the rest.

2. Knitting: I don't do it often, but when I do I always enjoy it and find myself feeling less stress and much more calm. I've been working on the same scarf for years, literally, so it really isn't something I do a lot, mostly because I often forget I have knitting I could do.

3. Special K with Red Berries: This is probably one of my favorite cereals. Love those tart dried red berries!

4. Kleenex: I know, this is a weird one. Seriously though, I love kleenex. I'm a big nose blower (which is funny since my Mom claims I didn't know how to blow my nose for a very long time). I have to have a clean and clear nose at all times or I feel weird. I always carry a small pack of kleenex in my purse, and I need a box in the bedroom and the living room.

5. Koalas: The animal I look like is a koala, so I have to like them. They are pretty darn cute, but not as cute as my number 6, and they can be mean little buggers. I kind of like that though.

6. Kittens: I'm a cat person and kittens will get me every time, the cuteness nearly kills me. I thing one of the things I have, am still having, the most difficulty adjusting to is that Matt is really allergic to cats and I'll never be able to have them.

7. Kisses: The Hershey kind and the real kind. Who doesn't love a good kiss? When Matt and I were first together everytime I kissed him I felt a little wave of excitement run through me. That's one of the ways I knew he was the one.

8. Kelly Clarkson: This girl can sing and she knows how to turn out the hits too. Who doesn't love belting out to "Since You've Been Gone"? And her new single, just as good if not better.

9. Kong, Donkey Kong: Probably my favorite Nintendo game. Playing and beating the Super Nintendo Donkey Kong downloaded to the Wii got me through unemployment.

10. Knives: Getting good kitchen knives from our registry was one of the things I was most excited for. It is so nice to have a sharp, good knife to prepare food. Seriously. So nice. In addition, another K from our registry that I love is our Kitchen Aid Mixer!

Well there you have it! That was hard, K is not an easy letter!
Also, tonight I updated all 3 of my blogs! Go me!
Tri Training Blog
Cooking Blog

Personal Day

So I'm in NH today to attend an awards ceremony where my Mom is one of 6 women to receive an Outstanding Business Woman of the Year award, very exciting.
Matt and I drove up last night after work, boy it is a lot easier driving North on a Tuesday night, there was no traffic.
This morning I woke up early to surprise my Mom, it was great.
So today is a personal day for me. Before I left yesterday I told my boss I'd check my email once or twice and she said, "No! Take the day." So I'm taking the day.
I read the paper this morning, well really I read Sunday's comics and did the world jumble. Then I ate some hearty oatmeal and went out for a lovely ski. Pictures and Video to follow tomorrow.
It is a beautiful winter day in NH. While I'm sad I didn't get to enjoy the snow covered City last night, I'm not missing slushing around in the remains today.
I think I'll have a cup of tea and keep enjoying my day.

Cop out, but I love lists!

Well, I don't have a blog really formed to write. I usually have something in my head when I sign in to blogger to post. But I was already logged out of my new email address so I figured it was easier to just log in to Blogger and post something. So, I'll take the easy way out and run off my thoughts list style. I love me some listing!

- I'm thinking more and more about moving this blog to wordpress, things are so much nicer over there, but the hassle of moving the blog would be a lot and I don't know if I can just pick up and leave all these posts behind...I've gone through a lot on this old blogger platform.

- Work is still crazy, although today wasn't as bad, thank God- I really tried hard to not let it be.

- I kicked ass in the 4 mile race I did on Sunday, and I'm so pumped about it because I had a stomach flu last week and didn't work out all week! However, after the race I cooked for a couple of hours, reorganized and cleaned our bedroom for our new dresser and then walked around a bunch and now my legs are tired!

- Speaking of our new dresser, I'm so pumped about it. We got this one from Ikea (splurged for the real wood!) and I'm so happy with it, it is so much more space, like I can't believe how much more space and the really great thing is I don't even want to go buy more clothes to fill the space, and I actually am getting rid of multiple pairs of shoes. It feels so good! (Truthfully for me getting rid of things always feels good, it is just that I usually quickly replace the things with new items). In addition, I went to Anthropologie today and bought new knobs for the dresser that were a steal on sale and look great, much better than the handles it came with. It really is making me feel better and better about staying here another year.

- I can't believe how warm it was these past two days, it makes me yearn so much for Spring. Tease.

- I just found out a friend is pregnant with her 3 child and I'm so darn excited for her, and for myself to get to watch her go through the pregnancy and then get to experience, for the 2nd time, watching her raise him or her. It has been such a pleasure getting to see it happen with her youngest.

Okay, that's about it for now. I have a post forming of my 10 favorite things that begin with K- thanks to Brooke S at Shrinkering Hearts so be on the look out!

Whack Job

This week has been crazy, crazy, crazy. So many things going on at work all of a sudden. I went through my days with Matt as we ran the East Side Drive of Central Park this evening, yay for warmish winter evenings. When I finally finished at about mile 1.8 I asked what he thought. I think some of his huffing and puffing was thinking about all I had done today. He agreed that it is crazy the amount of stuff I have to do in a day, and not just that but do at once.
I was on a training call for 1.5 hours today with the line muted. This meant I could be returning emails, answering employee questions as they popped in and answering my temps questions as she did things for me. And, it wasn't that I was ignoring the training to get this done, I took the training in completely and actually am excited to get to utilize what I learned.
It is like I'm a professional mini fire fighter, or maybe more like a professional whack a mole player, not like your basic every day Joe or Jane who gets the high score at the arcade, I mean pro level, tournament winning, money making, endorsement grabbing whack a moler.
Whacking moles, left and right, hitting them before they even think to pop up. It is true, I try to be very proactive in my work.
In any event- so that's what I do everyday. And just for kicks- here's a couple of pictures Libby snapped at one of our pre-wedding festivities this summer of me playing a came similar to Whack a Mole- just for the sack of furthering the metaphor.

Quiet

It was quiet in the house the evening. I stood on the heating grate and let the warm air fill up the legs of my pants.
I looked around the darkening kitchen and almost said out loud, "You would have liked this, the house being so quiet."

Belly Aches and Groans

I just put on a big cozy sweatshirt. I love that feeling. You put it over your head and instantly you are warmer, more comfortable, even happier.
I'm feeling off. This morning my stomach was a mess, I ate some oatmeal and felt a little better.
Then my face started burning up, I was getting flush over and over again. If I had had a thermometer I would have taken my temperature.
I left at lunch time and came home to a warm bed with Matt already in it, his stomach feeling off too. But there was more, is that a cold I feel coming?
It is like old times, we decided, us being home together during a work day.
I stirred an hour in, at 3:30ish (I'm guessing) and the sky was still light, so I decided I could sleep for longer, finally getting up at 5:00. If I can fall asleep easily tonight we'll know that my body really is fighting something.
My stomach still feels off, and I'm trying to kick a head cold out with airborne and it tastes disgusting which doesn't help my stomach.
I'm boiling water for pasta, my cure when my belly aches.
I'll make some tea and then feel really cozy.
The Winter aches and pains. It really does feel like Winter out there now.

Wedding Mosaic

Wedding Mosiac, originally uploaded by adkcub.

I never get sick of looking at these, and since I haven't shared the professional final pics- here we go- a sampling!

Thoughts on a rainy night

Tonight I came home and sulked. I was all of a sudden worn out by how fast the day went and did not want to go to they late spin class which meant late dinner and late relaxation time (now there is only 45 minutes left until my 10:00 show which means just before bedtime show).

I stood in the living room with my shoulders all droopy and moped. Matt was already in his comfy clothes and I just wanted to curl up next to him.
He got up and gave me a hug and encouraged me to go, well done Husband of mine.
So I went out in to the cold rain and headed to class.
Spin, Spin, Spin
She finished 5 minutes early- and I was so close to calling her on it! I schlepped all the way there for a shortened class!?
At least I got there, right?
And, we just had breakfast for dinner, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Tonight is a night that I wish we had a TV in the bedroom, because I would brush my teeth and get right in and fall asleep watching it.
It makes me miss my room on Charnwood Rd. I loved being cozy in my big bed in my big room watching TV at night.
Although sometimes the TV would stay on way too late in to the night and I would end up watching shows like the 1/2 Ton woman or something else ridiculous on TLC. Really, The Learning Channel? More like the who can we exploit for entertainment channel.(WCWEFEC)
Anyway, Matt can't sleep with it on so that would save me there.
Someday...

Resolutions

Check out my 2009 resolution: Cooking

New Year in Review

January: I picked out my wedding dress, which is telling to what the focus of my year was. It was an overwhelming experience for me mostly because it was another step which meant I was getting married without my Dad.
I had to watch the Patriots lose their undeafted season to the Giants, with all Giant's fans.

February: This was a good month, I dove in to wedding planning, I felt really happy in all aspects of my life. The year was looking up.

March: I started Weight Watchers and Triathlon Training, another major focus for my year. Matt’s parents get a new puppy, a fun place to put some focus and energy. I picked up the memoir again and got through a chunk of it and then put it back down again.

Apri: Wedding things started to be finalized. As Spring came to the City, I spent more and more time in the park, running, walking around, taking pictures. The pope was in town and we saw him drive by. I also started the path to accepting the new man in Mom’s life.

May: Did my first Triathlon, mini, on Mother’s Day. It was the 2nd year anniversary. Took a family trip to California with Mom and Sam, had a fantastic trip. Kate and Helena both got engaged on Memorial Day!
I meet and start getting to know David.

June: The year starts to shift, A big project starts at work, I get asked to work with the VP and a Asst. Director on it, very top secret, I think fantastic I’m moving up in the world!
Running more and more outside with Matt including at night since the days were heating up so much. It felt like summer and like I was getting married soon.
Kate and Eric move back to NY, Kate throws me a fantastic Bridal Shower.

July: The highs and lows begin. Matt finishes law school, sadly his Grandfather passes away. Wedding finalization really ramps up as work gets more stressful and scary and my future is unclear.

August: They continue in August. I complete my first "real" Triathlon and love it. I'm laid off. The month ends with the best wedding EVER.

September: The month started in Hawaii, what a way to start the fall and our unemployment. The High Holidays return again bringing reflection and the emotions of the "holiday season" without Dad. Matt and I adjust to our time together during unemployment and begin our 1/2 Marathon training.

October: The month was filled with a lot of running which helped with the unemployment eating. We spent time with our unemployed friends doing fun activities. Lots of applying for jobs and not a lot of interviews.

November: Matt and I complete our first ½ Marathon! Matt's friend Emily and Jared get married. Unemployment was really getting to us, restlessness, unease and anxiety filled November. It was the first year I wasn't with my family for Thanksgiving.

December: Even with the anxiety over the economy, December is ending with the same sense of hopefulness for the future that I had last year during the winter. Matt and I are both working, we are more happier and in love than ever and our families are happy and healthy. What more could we ask for?

Here's to what I think will be a fantastic 2009, for everyone.

Melding Morning

This morning as I slowly started waking up, two dreams melded together. The first one was very weird and I'm not going to go in to the whole thing, but a piece of it involved a man trying to poison himself with a plant, and then trying to hang himself unsuccessfully. I couldn't stand it anymore so I called 911. The second dream was about being invited to a party, or maybe it was a wedding on St. Patrick's day and there was something about matching shoes. I was walking around a store and grumbling to myself about the guy from the first dream when he became Matt and then it was Matt who was in the hospital possibly dying from poison and self strangulation. Then I got upset. Then old ladies kept pushing by me as I was trying on sale shoes for the party. Then I saw a kitten and thought, oh if I pet that kitten I'll feel so much better.
I woke myself up after that, crawled across the bed in to Matt's arms and felt better.
Weird.
Even now that I'm awake, I'm remembering it. It is fun when that happens with funny, odd, interesting dreams. It isn't so much fun when it happens with dreams you are trying to stop as you are dreaming them. I'm not even going to try and explain these dreams, or give them so other meaning.

On a lighter note. I'm up early to finish packing and head North to NH. I'm so happy to be out of the City for New Years and to be with my family, just us. Happy New Year's Eve!

Brick

I feel the brick in my chest. The loss is filling me again. 2 plus years and the hole doesn't feel as big day to day. It has been awhile since I've felt it this large, this looming.
Maybe it is the time of year, birthdays a day apart and all the holiday family time, maybe it is just having sent an email to a friend who's Mother died 3 weeks ago, maybe there is no explanation.
Another birthday, another year, many many more things that go unshared, untold, unexperienced together.
I want the little things back, like sharing new music, discovering new artists together.
I want the big things back, like having him walk me down the aisle and dance me away at my wedding.

The Holiday Season

On the ride home from Connecticut tonight Matt commented that it is kind of nice that over a 4 day period we will have basically gotten to see all of our family. It does feel nice this time of year to be able to spend holiday time with all the families, we don't feel pushed or pulled in one direction and there has been no drama. Most of the Jewish holidays that both our families celebrate are split over several days which allows us to find mutually agreeable times to spend together. Last year Passover in both families was on the same night, and I hadn't seen my Dad's family in a long time and felt I had to go, Matt's family was celebrating it for the first time and he had to go. We split up, it felt like the right thing to do and worked for us. After the celebrations, later in the week, a message was passed on that I wasn't spending enough time with the family. I was shocked, and hurt and annoyed. I've moved past it so I don't want to get in to all the nitty gritty again, but it serves as a good balance of what this holiday season as been like.
Christmas was spent with my Mom's family, Channukah tonight with my Dad's and tomorrow with Matt's Mom's. Lovely. It feels like a lot, because two of the celebrations involve us driving, but it is worth it and what you do this time of year.
On Christmas we ate good cheese, drank champagne and feasted on Salmon. Tonight we ate fried latkes, feasted on desserts and drank seltzer. Tomorrow we'll eat pirogi feast on blintzes and drink, probably water. Yum.