Friday, October 16

Morning Coffee

Something about the cooler temperatures, and crisper air makes me want to nestle in and write, write, write. I'll take it!
Last night I couldn't sleep- and I wanted to open up this page and just word vomit, but then I decided that I always write in those situations, when the words just flow out of me and usually it is melancholy. I decided to push myself to not write when it is easy, to sometimes make it a little bit more challenging and write when maybe I don't feel it. That is when you can yield the greatest reward- right?
I'm drinking some Dunkin' Dounts coffee and it transports me right back to Boston. You know what else does? Finding out from a friend last night that she was going out to get drinks with a guy she briefly dated when we were roommates, flash backs here they come! I can feel myself back there, back in that place in my life. It was good. I didn't feel it in the moments, but looking back, I had it, I had that typical post collegiate experience. I moved in with someone from school, I set up shop in a new city and I slowly started taking those big adult steps everyone has to take at some point. We had a good thing going. It started off with crazy nights out every weekend, typical, I know. Then it transitioned in to more neighborly get togethers. TV nights, pot luck dinners, shared holiday fun. We were growing up and it felt good. And then it had to end.
At the time, I didn't really let myself think too deeply about what moving really meant. I was going through a shit storm of a time emotionally, I won't even link to blogs about it but just head back to the Fall of 2006 and Winter/Spring of 2007 and you'll see, and so moving kind of felt like running away. I thought that if I moved, things would be better, I guess. Of course that never is the way.
I look back now and think of how months before I had already left, I was already gone and I wonder how that must have felt for my roommate, my dear friend. I know I had been pushing her away emotionally for months. It didn't have anything to do with her, I was dealing with my own shit and pushing away was sometimes easier than letting in.
Sometimes I want to talk to her about it, ask her what it was like for her, how she felt during all of it. Apologize. Maybe she didn't even notice, maybe she was busy with her own emotions at moving in to a new place, at starting a new chapter of her life.
I got through the haze of everything and started to look back and think about the person I was. Sometimes that's not easy.
But then I drink a cup of DD coffee and I remember the good times, and I miss it all, so much. Moving to NY was one of the best decisions I've ever made and I wouldn't change it, anything about it.
I guess I have to realize that it is more nostalgia than anything. There are always things you can look back on and think, "Those were the good years!" "That was the best time of my life."
And then you have to turn around, and look at what you have now, look at what lies ahead of you. It gives me chills to think of all that is to come in my life, all that is just about to happen, like right there, right now.
And maybe I'll have another cup of DD coffee in a year or so from now and think, "remember when I was just on the edge of all of this and was thinking about my years becoming an adult? Oh shit, I really am one now!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

No need to apologize....I understood. Love you!!!