Scrabble

I downloaded Scrabble on my phone the other day. It is a great game to play on the train, but dame the hard setting is hard- the words the computer spits out are ridiculous! So when I had the opportunity to put an S on a 5 letter word and start that on a Triple Word score, I had to go for it. I had: FGTASUO. Now, if you know Scrabble you know that the G and the F are both high score tiles, so immediately I though of fags, like the slang for a cigarette. But there was this guy, sitting next to me, and I knew he had been watching my last few turns- and why not, I would have if the situation had been reversed- and I felt completely embarrassed to put down fags- he would think I was homophobic. (I care wayyy too much about what complete strangers think of me!) But, I went for it- because the computer was kicking my ass and I wanted the points! Turns out fags isn't a scrabble word on the phone version. To top it off, the computer got a Bingo on the next turn.

Vicious Cycle

You get depressed, so you eat because that comforts you in the moment. Then you feel bloated and fat for days, and get more depressed so any motivation, or momentum of getting "back on track" with your healthy eating (really, it's not a diet, I do want to change my eating habits) loses steam and you eat more, and then you are more depressed. OY
So- what else can you do? You exercise! Back in spinning on Tuesdays with a kick ass instructor, that will get you back on track. But then Wednesday you get a migraineish weird headache and go home and hide from the gym. But Thursday, oh Thursday you are back on track- you decided with a co-worker to go spinning every Thursday, you can't let her down- you head to spinning, excited at the prospect of having spun twice in one week, especially since you ate fries after Tuesdays session...
But then during the class your legs loose steam, you feel totally drained and your eyes just want to close. You try and kick yourself back in to action- but to no avail, you're wiped. Although you get through the session, walking home brings thoughts of comfort food, ooh like Chinese which the restaurant you're walking by right now serves and those Scallion Pancakes are calling your name.
The cycle is slowing though, you can feel it- your back in it, almost there, even though it is national popcorn day you aren't making any!

Maybe I should replace those yous with I's, eh?

What He's Missing

Lately I've been sad, but not so much sad about what I'm missing with him gone. I'm sad about what he is missing. Last night on the way home, I stared out the window of the car, letting Jerry's voice fill my mind and started making a list, and after the tears had dried and I lay in my old room that night trying to sleep I added more to the list.

The Presidential race
Snow this winter, and clear blue skies to sky under
My space and place in NYC
My place of employment
Planning my wedding
My wedding dress, and the shopping process
Cake tasting at Jacques
Sammy graduating
Movies from that last 20 months, including Miami Vice, Casino Royale, maybe some of the Hugh Grant films, Once, Juno, X Men, Fantastic 4 and many other cute/bad/action/funny movies he would have rented
Music from the last 20 months, including Radiohead, Ryan Adams, The National, Andrew Bird
TV from the last 20 months, Curb, The Wire, Weeds (I guess HBO and Show time from the last 20 months)
The Patriots perfect season
The Red Sox winning the World Series again
The Celtics, oh the Celtics
I finally learned to make my own Cappuccino (Although if he was still here I probably wouldn't have)
Running the reservoir in Central Park
Going to the Met
Exploring photography with me
His TV
Dark Chocolate M&M's
Aero Garden
Homemade fleece blankets
Making a loop from Olde Canturbury Road to Coe Farm Road on XC Skis
Nobu
Puppies
Sailing in NY
Wii
Us, all of us.

Snow, and more Snow

Baggage

As I walked quickly towards the turnstiles that would exit me out on Broadway and E. Houston I saw a young man lugging an enormous suitcase up the stairs from the B,D, F, V platforms. Then just behind him was a older overweight woman lugging herself up the stairs. The young man quickly set the suitcase down, nodded slightly and began walking towards the turnstiles with me. I heard the woman say, "Thank You."
I thought of how nice it was that he helped her, and wondered if she had asked or he had offered. He appeared to be wanting to escape back in to the persona he was going for, mostly thuggish- big baggy sweat shirt, oversized checkered Yankees hat, eyes turned down, overall slouch and baggy jeans with untied sneakers. But he kept looking back, checking on the woman. As we started to ascend the stairs out of the station he looked back one more time, and I could read his face for that split second. I saw his struggle to want to go back and help her again, his question if anyone else would help her up this next set of stairs that she clearly couldn't manage on her own. He quickly turned his head back to the stairs he was climbing and pulled his hood up.
But I know his secret, and the secret that many people (not everyone, but most I think) carry. There is goodness in all of us.

I Got Nothing

I'm a total blank slate lately. I want to write, I want to be creative and thoughtful and yet- nothing is coming to me.
I've been devouring chic-lit, maybe it is contributing to my dry creative well. Not that there's anything wrong with chic-lit.
There are some other things on my mind besides how Darcy is going to change in to a better person in "Something Blue".

I'm interviewing a prospective Clark student on Monday as part of her application process. I feel so old. How could I really be qualified to do this? To help Clark in some tiny way make a decision about this Senior in High-School makes me feel old, and adult like. I guess that's a good thing.

I'm dress shopping on Saturday. I'm excited to look for and hopefully find the dress that will make me feel bridal and comfortable and elegant all at the same time. I put off the shopping to lose weight, and I did lose a little, but the holidays did me in man- and even though Matt's mom told me that I look great and she's so excited to watch me try on dresses I feel like a heifer (I'm sorry this is so typical, omg I'm soo fat- but I told you, I've got nothing!) and I don't feel like trying on dresses that are woefully already too small and feeling even more fat. Maybe it is time to hire a personal trainer- which brings me to my next I've got nothing rant

I've got no money. This one I actually feel on top of and in control of. The holiday's did me in on this front too- but I'm back in charge and not eating out a lot, passing up on ski trips and group outings to spas to save up. I started looking in to hotels in Hawaii, and we are going to have to really save to afford the trip- which I think will be well worth it. I can't wait to have two incomes!

I surprise my self daily with how happy and in love Matt and I are, not that I ever doubted us or our relationship- but damn it feels good to be as giddy and excited as we are about each other everyday. Last week on the day of my companies holiday party, I went to the bathroom and while peeing (is that TMI?) I found myself smiling and getting excited that Matt was meeting me at the party later and I'd get to spend the night with him, and introduce him to people. Most nights all I want to do as the clock creeps towards 6 is rush home and be next to him on the couch. I'm so damn lucky.

Snow Covered Trees

The snow is light and fluffy, but about knee deep, the tracks come easily, yet up hill is a work out like none other. The trees are still covered in snow in here, the wind not yet reaching into the forest to force the snow down, making you feel like it is snowing all over again. I can see closed buds, still reaching towards the sun, preparing for Spring already.
Deer tracks come in to the trail and I follow them, thinking of Mom's story of seeing one bound across the trail, the only one of her three co-skiers to see him run across their path, "Our eyes were down."
The last time we were out here we called it Deer Highway, seeing countless tracks and places where they had laid down, spent a night, weary from the winter, dreaming of Spring.
We reach the end of our trail, for the second time, a rock Mom and Dad used to walk to, marking Ye Olde Canterbury Road. They used to travel this on horse back, I think each time.
"It's so beautiful out here."
"Mmhmm."
"Daddy would have loved this, it's so weird that he's not here."
"I was thinking about the last time we were all out here and we skied up to the clearing and were talking about a wedding, about what kind of flowers I might have."
"Really?"
"And now he's just gone." Now that I'm actually planning a wedding, I think.
We push off with our poles and fly back over our now well tracked trail, all down hill from here.
A winter wonderland.

Walking Slowly and Running

This morning I woke up late, opening my eyes and then closing them again as I decided numerous times between 9:40 and 10:40 to continue sleeping.
I laid around reading, Garlic and Sapphires and the fiction issue of The New Yorker until I had to get dressed and meet Matt for lunch. I gave myself enough time to walk leisurely down to 74th st. I decided that I wanted to try and walk slowly, relax as I strolled to lunch, I hit up Starbucks, popped in my ear buds and was ready to go.
At first I found myself hustling along with the rest of the Saturday afternoon crowds, but I forced to myself to slow my pace and got in to a great rhythmic stroll. I didn't worry about elderly women on walkers I could see ahead of me, I didn't bump in to anyone maneuvering to pass them and oncoming pedestrians. I wasn't passing anyone, and it was okay.
"I can walk slowly!" I thought excitedly to myself. "This feels great!"
I glanced at myself in store windows as I passed by, dark jeans, black fleece, white headphones, black sunglasses. "I look so chic!" I thought. This slow walking thing was turning out great. My confidence was boosted. Walking slowly gave me time to think about how good I felt in myself, how happy I was in the moment. I wasn't worrying about getting somewhere, in fact I was so nonchalant, I walked down to 2nd by mistake and when I reached 70th st. realized I was on the wrong avenue and had walked too far south. Oh well!
After returning from lunch, my nails freshly painted and a catch-up convo with Mom under my belt I decided it was time to do something I had been wanting to do since we moved and had only done once with Mom- run around the Jackie Onassis Reservoir. It is the perfect place to run in the city and since it was so unseasonably warm today, the perfect day to do it. I suited up and headed out, my new workout mix pumping in my headphones. I ran light and strong, I felt good. I had been nervous leaving to do it alone, especially since the sky was darkening by the time I left my building, but I knew there'd be others on the paths and that it was about time I took advantage of such a great running area so close to home.
After the first mile I finally reached and surpassed a man that had been running in front of my from the beginning. I felt great. My confidence was boosted again, the lightness from earlier in the morning hadn't left me and before I knew it I had run both loops and was exiting the park. The views were breathtaking. As you loop around the inner track of the reservoir you see the skyline of the city lit up in front of you, all the buildings bunched together in that perspective light up the sky with a brilliance that reminds me how much I love living here and how lucky I feel to be in this place, not only geographically and physically but mentally too.

Whether walking slowly and taking it in little by little or running quickly and getting it in in a breath and a look, I love New York.

A Lonely Bed

I think I've written here before about an odd phenomenon that would happen to me on weekend nights when I was living in Somerville. I would just stay up late in to the night and not want to turn the TV off even when I was ready for bed and about to fall asleep. It was something about the company of the flickering screen and the loneliness I wasn't releasing, I believe. Since moving to NY it hasn't happened, we don't have a TV in the bedroom here and I'm not lonely when I get in to bed- okay Matt does stay up hours after I retire normally- but I can hear him in the living room and that comforts me.
Tonight he is in Queens being with his Mom as they tend to and grieve together over his sick, dying, childhood dog. Sure I whined a little when he found out at 10pm she needed him there, but that is surely more important than me getting him for a couple of hours tonight when we live together.
I've slept alone here a couple of times, but not unexpectedly like this. I'm feeling a magnetic push away from the bed, I want pretty badly to just climb in to it and fall asleep especially since before last night I had fitful nights of coughing and little sleep, but as hard as I try and push my body there it just won't click. Which explains me still being at 2am with a marathon of Clean House under my belt and my Google Reader all marked as read. A lonely bed is not an inviting one.
And, although I feel somewhat pathetic admitting that one night apart makes me sad and lonely, I know that it is because giving up something you're used to without much warning is hard to adjust to. I know I'm not the only one.
But tomorrow I have big plans of shopping and cleaning and maybe filling another evening apart with somethings or someone, so I've got to get some rest tonight and sleep aids will ensure that my lonely mind isn't racing for too long.
At least making the bed will be easy in the morning.

Love is for the lucky, and the brave

For Thanksgiving this year I printed out fortunes and put them in each napkin so when we all sat down to eat, we each got a fortune to read and muse on as we said what we were thankful for. At first I wanted to write my own and then I realized it was going to take way too much work so I found some good ones on the wonderful World Wide Web.
The title of this post was one of those fortunes. And it is not so much a fortune, I know, but it is so true. It was probably my favorite among the ones I found, and I really am finding more and more that it is a sentiment that really resonates strongly with me and my life.
Death can cause many to grow more scared of love and the risk you take when letting someone become such an important part of your life. I really never thought twice about how much closer I would become with the people I love after my Dad died. When I think about it now, I realize how scary it could be for someone different than me, and I can see how a person dealing with great loss would and could push others away. For me this wasn't true,
There were a few months when my plans to move to New York were put on indefinite hold and I was ready to make a life for myself in Boston or even further North to be as close as possible to my Mom and Brother. In my head Matt would work something out with school and he'd come to Boston too, we'd make it work. There was a moment last fall when I was sitting on the porch of my Mom's house talking about the future, her wishing I'd get engaged, Sammy wishing I'd produce a nephew for him ASAP. A lot of my family was looking to me for the happy news we all needed. I realized in those moments that regardless of where it would take me, that I needed to be with Matt, and that meant moving to NY. I talked to Sammy and Mom about it and they both were nothing less than supportive and excited. I could never know how much longer I'd have with Matt and the time I did have should be spent with him.
Moving to New York was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. Matt and I are happier than ever to be living together and it's been 9 months. Some friends told me that the storm might hit after 3 months, but it didn't. Other friends told me that pre and post engagement would be filled with him acting more in love than ever, but the pre and post have come and gone and the love and passion still very much remain.
And it is terrifying.
The other night I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. My mind drifted and I thought, as I have in restless attempts to sleep many times, of my Dad. I thought about a picture we have framed and hanging of him holding me up as a baby, getting ready to toss me up in the air. I miss him, so much and I still can't believe that he is gone and it is often in those quiet moments before sleep when the pain comes at me sharply. Then I thought of Matt, of how deeply I love him, how much a part of me he is. And then my restless mind and overactive imagination thought of losing him, I pictured myself in our apartment without him, leaning against walls crying as I had to take down pictures of us together.
I don't know how I would go on. I would be so utterly and completely crushed. We have come together in these past months so effortlessly, our lives fit together so smoothly and everything feels so right and so good. How could I ever not have that? My love, our love, having deepened and strengthened is such an enormous blessing in my life, and in my family’s lives too. Yet, at the same time, in these moments my fears are heightened, and I'm even more scared of losing him, not us breaking up because I have no fear of that, of something happening to him- mind, body or soul. Love is for the lucky and brave, how true.

.

Busy Bee

For the last 6 months or so at work my coworker has warned me about the busyness of the holiday season. I just kept thinking about what it was like at past jobs, you were busy trying not to gain 10lbs from all the vendor gifts that arrived- oh those tubs of popcorn- and brushed it off. This week, however I learned how busy it really can be. I guess you don't really realize it can get that way considering our tasks were minor things- but all added up... damn.
I was balancing important meetings and decisions with planning a holiday pot-luck and signing holiday cards. Unfortunately I feel like I let some of the more "important" pieces of my job slip while putting together a kick ass party and making up for my being out on Friday by signing extra cards. I found myself scrambling to get ready for meetings I'd been preparing for for weeks and not responding to emails, that really can wait until Monday, because I had to string lights in the conference room.
I went into my job search adamantly against being in any type of Executive Assistant role. I wanted independent responsibilities and did NOT want to be scheduling, answering phones for, or constantly reporting in to someone. The job I took requires that I assist in scheduling for my boss, but in all other ways I am NOT an Executive Assistant. However, as much as I am against being in an Executive Assistant role, I feel like all of a sudden I'm really falling down when it comes to the schedule and I'm disappointed. Considering I came from a place where it was 50% of my daily responsibilities to maintain 2 executive's schedules (Thank God I was given interesting projects to work on to balance that) and I did it pretty well, I'm confused at my lack of ability to keep my bosses calender up to date considering how easy she is, how easy her schedule is and that I'm in most of the meetings she is. She has come in at least 3 times in the last week and asked if a meeting really was happening because she just sat in the room for 10 minutes and no one came. Ugh.
Part of me thinks it is my desire to not have to schedule coming out- but if I want to excel in my job I have to do all pieces of it well, even the ones I don't like.
So, why am I writing about this here when I've kind of already figured the problem out and am committed to fixing it? Maybe because it is a more public place and the commitment is likely to stick if I put it out here like this? Maybe because there may be co-workers that read this and if I suspect they've read this I'll want to be even better? I don't really know. Part of me has been wanting to write this post all week, but waited until the weekend because, I was just too damn busy and in that time between thinking of writing this down and getting it down, I think I've fixed the problem.
Here's to next week being a bit less busy and my cold being a lot better by Monday!

Sunday Morning

Wings and Beer

I’m typically a home body, especially during the work week. I need my chill out time. I just can’t do the boozing during the week and still feel like I can get through the rest of the work week with any sense of normalcy. I’m a girl of routine- and that involves lots of sleep. I love having dinner plans, and seeing people during the week, don’t get me wrong. But I’m just not the type to go out drinking on a Tuesday. I’m sure being in a serious relationship changes my attitude towards it, and age too, now that I think about it. Not that I went out during the week when I was a recent college grad- but I went out on the weekends a lot more.

Last night friends invited us for $.25 wings and beer a local bar. I was feeling a tad exhausted and my stomach wasn’t really in the mood for wings and beer- but Matt really wanted to go so I pushed through and headed into the snowy night. I skipped the beer, why waste the carbs on bad lite beer, especially when I could replace them with fries (does that make me sound totally diet crazy?). As we stood waiting for a table, the delicious smell of buffalo sauce, good buffalo sauce, enticing us, some friends of friends who had come to join were discussing recent night-out adventures. Making out with boys in corners, being weirded out by weird guys lingering too long. I nodded as she animatedly described various situations she’d recently been in, specifically cottage cheese boy, because kissing him was like kissing cottage cheese. She then exclaimed that her co-workers had taken shots of vodka at the office before heading out that night. I just kept nodding. I really had nothing to say in response. The stories were funny, cottage cheese boy especially and her friend kept asking her about different men she’d heard mention of in passing. But I couldn’t relate, I can’t relate.

For a few minutes a part of me was jealous. It sounds like fun, the various crazy people you run in to when out and about, the young single woman on the town sex and the city type lifestyle. There are small parts of me still that would love to try it on for a week or two, going out to fun new places, dancing in to the night and then waking up to kick ass at some high powered job. But it is just not who I am, I think there is always going to be part of me that could connect to that lifestyle from afar and appreciate the draw, the lure of the fast and fabulous. There is a bigger part of me that likes the simple pleasures my current life offers, like cuddling up under a fleece with Matt rubbing my feet after work, or going to the gym together and coming home to cook dinner and kick his ass at Scrabble, and especially having good friends here that I can meet up with for dinner, home or out, bad TV or gossip over brunch. And weren’t all the SATC characters looking for that deep down? Lucky me, I’ve got it.

Snow Day

It was snowing this morning when I woke up. I walked in to the bathroom and exclaimed, "Oh man, it's snowing!" I climbed over Matt back in to bed and pulled the blinds up. I got back in to the our still warm bed, under our 3 blankets and lay on my side watching the white flakes come down.
I love watching the snow fall, as cold as I know it is outside it makes me feel warm. We walked out to get breakfast, the air was cold, but I felt comfortable in my down and fleece. I felt like I was a part of winter, real winter, with snow and cold air and covered bodies walking the streets around me.
Later it turned slushier and browner, but the image of it coming down outside my bedroom window remained with me, and I hope for many more mornings much the same.

Happy Thanksgiving

Anticipation

I don't remember how I felt leading up to Thanksgiving last year, I think a bit of dread and some worry. Looking back I see how I was preparing myself to be the adult. And, as it turns out, I was. Mom and I talked briefly about last year this weekend and I was reminded at some of ways the day panned out that weren't to be thankful for and how parentified I was at that moment in time. That has shifted, greatly, and I'm both thankful for it and anxious thinking about what it means in the process, it means I'm processing more- and I am.
But, regardless, I have found myself looking forward to this Thanksgiving for weeks. Maybe it marks a milestone, the shift of looking forward to holiday's that were so typically centered on family. During the period of anticipation I have found myself feeling more sad and letting myself feel more sad, it most likely has something to do with events that surrounded the last few weeks, but nonetheless I've been sad and happy and excited at celebrating a holiday, a holiday that Dad is still no longer a part of.
I'm looking forward to setting the table, mashing the potatoes, baking the pies, checking the turkey, drinking the good wine, having Matt with us, the bonfire, taking pictures, seeing my family, gushing about wedding planning, waking up and having the dining room already full of people eating leftover pie for breakfast, running in the clean fall air, the possibility of snow, and remembering it all next year with excitement for doing it again.

I can't help myself

I just adore this photo so much.

Losing Control

It’s hard work growing up, and sometimes harder still when you see someone else trying to, working at it, realizing it. And there’s nothing you can do but tell them- “It’s going to be okay- you’re going to get through this, it’s tough now but somehow you survive and come out better on the other end.”

It’s hard watching people you love make the same mistakes and worry about the same things you did, and they just have to. There isn’t anything you can do to fix that for them, you’re just not allowed to. Everyone has to live through these experiences to get to the next level, to grow up, to wisen up, to mature.

I want to reach out and just make it better, but I can just be here and remind him of that, a couple of times at least, because you know those 21 year Male brains can’t hold on to that much.

I had an epiphany the other day, that I need to stop trying to control everything around me all the time. It was only while having the epiphany that I started to realize how much I really am trying to control things, all the time. And I have to change that, I have to step back and let things happen how they will, I can’t always have my hand on each wheel making sure we are on the path I want to be on. Sometimes I have to let go and just sit back, and know that however it turns out, big and small, I’ll be okay.

I believe it is a fall out from loss and grieving that has made me try to control the world around me even more tightly. I lost and that means I didn’t have control, I don’t have control and that fear becomes the drive, passion, the lust for it back. And as I started to fully grieve again more recently I tried harder to grasp on to what I could and tightly control it. But I realized, during said epiphany that losing is partially hard because you realize what you don’t have control over- and when things don’t go the way you’ve tried to force them to go disappoint is paramount. If I keep trying to tightly control everything I can, won’t I just grieve that much harder when things don’t go my way? Aren’t I just pushing back the grief and filling the space with the obsession with control? If I’m going to truly process and move to whatever next step there is, don’t I have to try and let myself give in to the lack of control? To honor and recognize that there are many things you can control and while there are things you can, most times you shouldn’t try too hard to control everything, especially the little things like your Fiancée making dinner plans with his parents that get you home later than you had planned for, because when you let go and let things happen how they will sometimes you find that everyone around you is happier, because they are all getting a say too.

Now I’m recognizing all the things I’ve been trying to control, now I can stop myself. I found myself calling out, “Yes!” when the JP at Jen’s rehearsal stood where I wanted him too (Other people had suggested he stand there) and my friends turned and laughed at me. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said as I put my hand over my mouth and through my mind ran the words, “I’m crazy!” There was a woman at the rehearsal that kept calling out to the JP and telling him what to do, we talked about who we thought she was and one friend said, “Adrienne she’s you when you get older.” “You’re right,” I said although I wanted to deny it. But I can change that now. I don’t want to see myself as growing up to become a controlling woman who can’t keep her desire to make things ‘just so’ to herself. I want to give great ideas when they’re asked for, and be in just enough control to be successful and balanced. But I’m not balanced now, too much control doesn’t allow for that, or too much attempt at control. I’m getting there though.

Being able to sit back and watch and help when I can, and when it makes sense, as my little brother grows up in the way he needs to is a good step in that direction.

Newlyweds

Watching their faces light up at seeing each other
Seeing the tears and laughter during the ceremony
Watching them dance together for the first time
The large smile that didn't leave his face all night
That wherever she was that night, he was close behind
The joy that everyone in the room held for them
Knowing that this is only the beginning for them.


The crisp fall air
The orange setting sun during the ceremony
The rocky top mountain filled with greens and burnt oranges
The white golf carts that we brought her to the ceremony on
The warm candles that filled the room
Red gems, red lanterns and red drinks that gave the evening a warm glow
The stone platform we circled and watched as they said "I will"
The blue sky
The shiny wood floor our feet met all night

Just some of the things that made the weekend fabulous

Trick or Treat?

I was really excited for this show, a bit apprehensive about the type of crowd that would be there, and curious about my first Ryan Adams show. I'd heard good and bad things about his performances and I was hoping for good.
We timed our arrival perfectly and I was starting to get hopeful that this would surely be a treat.
A few songs in and I was really enjoying myself. Ryan sounded wonderful and he was into some trippy space jams a la The Grateful Dead which I was enjoying.
Then things started to shift. A long and lean couple inched their way into a space near us and stood intertwined, limbs, lips, everything. Annoying. Then the couple in front of us started to move around, a lot, they were talking constantly and if they weren't talking they were shifting positions, or one was going to get beers or hit the bathroom. They were already taller than me and I kept having to tilt my head or body so I could still see the stage. Why couldn't they just stand still and watch the show? Weren't they here to see the show? Then the woman next to me continued to swig from a flask her boyfriend kept producing and as she got more drunk her insistence to find a friend named Boggy grew and when that friend finally found them after much waving of arms and lit up cell phones the show was much less important, they had conversation to get in. Then the group behind us became whole and decided that when Ryan wasn't singing or playing songs they knew, it was okay to talk. No, it is actually not okay annoying people- because some people, you know maybe 1 or 2 of the 200 others in this venue actually did pay to hear Ryan Adams, not the dull roar of your conversations.
I have this problem, sometimes, when if something really starts to bug me or get under my skin I can't let it go, I can't brush or shake if off, it stays with me, sticks with me, creeping in under my skin, getting in my head, getting to me. It was bad on Halloween night. I got more and more miserable the more time went on, the little stupid things started to get to me, and I couldn't let any of it go. All these "tricks" getting to me.
When Ryan went off the stage for a break between sets, I turned to Matt and he gave me the permission I needed without saying a word. We had to push hard to get ourselves out of the ballroom, and I thought, "Thank God I'm getting out of here I bet the second set would have been so much more miserable for me."
As we left, a security woman asked, "How was the show?" I responded quickly with, "He was great, the crowd sucked." And she nodded as if she could tell, she's worked shows before she knows how to spot a bad crowd when she sees one, and she had a sense that the one inside this venue was there to have a crazy Halloween night.
I thanked Matt the whole way home, and he just kept saying, "It's not a problem, I wouldn't have been happy staying if I knew you weren't happy, I really don't mind leaving." And that constant reminder that I have someone on my side in these things, someone who helps draw what gets under my skin out with his support and genuine desire for me to be happy was my treat.