And now, entering the ring... Judge Mental!

I can be judgmental, it is something I try and work on. I stop myself sometimes when I know I'm about to be judgmental about someone or something, and when I find I just have to vent or get something out I try and preface it with, I'm about to be judgmental. Overall, I am not a mean person- I don't want to be a mean person, I really am a very nice and positive person, I'm open minded and always ready and willing to hear the other side of the story, see the other perspective and remind others to keep that in mind too. In some ways this judgmental part of me doesn't quite fit- but it's there and I can't hide it. Sometimes it can be fun, really getting in to something with someone, being snarky, letting it all hang out. As fun as it can be, I usually end up feeling kind of bad about myself afterwards.
Anyway- enough "Oh I can be judgmental but its really not who I am and I feel bad about it" talk.
Several people we invited couldn't come to our wedding, which was fine. Those people who were family of Matt's that couldn't come sent a nice card/note and a check- something that they do on his Grandma's side of the family. Very nice. One person who Matt's Grandma adores and who Matt's Mom is also fond of couldn't come, which we expected, but then never sent a card or a gift. Now- I don't want to make it seem like I'm greedy, because that's definitely something I'm not. I didn't want the gift or even expect it from those that didn't come to the wedding. However, it was something that was expected from this family member and frankly it hurt Matt that it wasn't received. To us it felt like she was saying, "You don't matter to me enough to make it worth my time to go to your wedding, and you're not going to get any recognition that it even happened." That kind of hurts. To top it off, we'd been told over and over what a lovely woman she is, how gorgeous and huge her house is, and how well she's done for herself after losing her husband. Okay...
So then, we find out that she's throwing a party for Matt's Grandmother's Uncle and we're invited and have to come. Now, I was happy to meet the Great-Great Uncle as I'd heard great things about him, but we started to struggle with going to this Woman's house who we felt had given us this strong message. So, the judging started. I complained, to everyone I could (and of course felt always a bit bad about it after). I probably came off sounding like an ass too. But I let myself get caught up in the judgment instead of thinking what a nice family event this would be.
So, long story long- we go to the house today. The house is gorgeous. The Great-Great Uncle is Great. The woman is friendly and nice. Then, as the evening is wrapping up and we've overall had a really nice time, she says,
"How long have you been married now? Is this your second anniversary? Cause I have a gift for you tonight and I want to make sure I'm not too late."
I did a good job hiding the shock. I also did a good job chastising myself for letting my judgmental side get the better of me.
A good reminder of how you can be a bigger and better person shouldn't go unmissed, and this one certainly didn't.

Diana Pics Recently

Diana Pics Recently
Originally uploaded by adkcub

The light quality of the pinhole camera, the double exposures, the texture and feel of mood. Somehow the Diana captures things a little differently, and makes mistakes look great. Early summer days at home, and a late summer day of unemployment- enjoy!

Early Morning Thoughts

I used to wake up with 15 minutes to get ready. I'd roll out of bed, after hitting the snooze 2 or 3 times, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and go.
Now, I give myself at least an hour to get ready, sometimes only a 1/2 hour. I like to let myself slowly wake up, slowly come to terms with the day, the moments, the time I'm in.
I drink my glass of FRS, I check my email, I look at my Google Reader, I pick out my clothes, you get the idea.
It kind of feels more grown up this way. I like the feeling of being up early in the morning, it makes me feel more productive, knowing how many hours I've put towards the day.
At some point this may get even earlier, when I have a longer commute and when there are children in my life who insist on early mornings. So right now, I'll cherish that I can sleep till 7:30 and I won't think too much about the days when I used to get up at 9 and get to work by 10.

Porch List

I don't think I could, or should, adequately put in to words what I'm experiencing right now, but I will list it out.
"My Love for You" by Ryan Adams, our wedding song, playing
A robin lifting up on the breeze and landing on the very top of a dwarf pine as I watch
A gentle, warm, summery spring breeze blowing across me
Peonies bursting in to blooms in front of me
The sun, on the sun
Purple irises
Cars on the dirt road
The sounds of birds and planes and cars

Another list for you: What I did on my June vacation:
Picked peonies everyday and put them in vases around the house
Drove in a fast car with the windows down and pop music blaring
Visited
Talked
Watched bad TV on a good big TV
Wrote
Read
Swam, Biked, Ran
Cooked and ate good meals
Let the sadness out
Built some kearns
Sat in the grass
Took pictures
Bought Shoes
Bought Clothes
Developed film (unfortunately I didn't do this myself)
Listened to music
Slept
Ate Marshmallows
Took in every second and moment as it happened.

The best thing, it's only Wednesday!

Thoughts on Upward Movements

People tell me I'm skipping around the office, that I "still have that smile on my face." Maybe I am, maybe they're just now noticing that I'm generally a pretty happy and positive person. Whatever the case, this change is good. The funny thing for me with change is that, I am good with it and not so good with it. I know that feeling will hit at some point, but right now I'm feeling great. This all feels right, this all feels like it is happening how it was supposed to, just 9 months later than I had hoped it would. Okay, all of a sudden this is sounding like an I'm pregnant post, which it isn't.
I've never given notice before and known it was going to be a shock. I have actually only given notice once before and all parties knew it was coming, and knew it was most definitely for the best. In this case, I know it is for the very best for me- but I'm sure my boss feels differently. And the funny thing is, she's treating me better than she ever has before. I guess you don't miss your water, huh?
But this is all fancy speak for telling my dear readers that I'm moving on up, in all senses. I'm taking the step up the ladder I had hoped for after being laid off, I'm going to be working uptown from my present office and I'm taking that blessed pay increase that everyone hopes for.
The woman who will be my new boss reminds me a lot of one of my former bosses, the one I learned the most from. I'm excited about not only being able to push myself to learn and grow in HR, but that I'll have someone cheering me on and coaching me from the sidelines. Something I've missed over the last 2.5 years.

The funny thing for me about careers and career aspirations is that I never really thought I had any. I plugged along for a few years being my typical A-type self and pushing to get all I could out of my work experiences. Little did I know that I was advancing in and creating a career for myself. And now, all of a sudden I've taken this huge and exciting step up and during a recession. Wow. Maybe I am a career woman?

The one thing I am struggling with a little, tiny, teeny bit is that I don't know if I want a "career", I don't know if I want a corner office and a closet full of suits and power lunches and all that jazz. I know that I could have it, and I know that I will most likely get somewhere close in the next 5+ years, and there are so many other things I want too. I want creativity in my life, I want a family that I'm home with more often than not. I'm not going to start getting in to the "you can have it all" discussion, because that's not what this is about. This is about me exploring what I really want to do with my life and my career time.

Right now, this move and this opportunity feels right. Right now, I'm excited and energized and passionate about it. What I have to figure out is, am I feeling these things because it is the path I've been following and the most secure one? Or, are there other things at play? And, in the end I have to remind myself that I can do it all, if I want to. I can do both and maybe not even at the same time and that most certainly is still doing it all.

Juicy Keys

I'm going to my first writing workshop next Saturday. It is being run by the author SARK. I am a fan of SARK and her work, I was a huge fan in college and probably read Eat Mangos Naked several times in those years. I heard of the workshop through my dear friend Kate and decided to take the plunge and sign up. I love to write, but I don't make time for it in my life and I don't push myself to do more with it. That's what the workshop is all about.
We have to read SARK's newsest book Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper to prepare for the class. I'm so glad. This book is inspiring. I've gotten to the section with exercises and I can't wait to make some time and do them. I've been writing in my journal more as I read the book, and look here I am blogging too!
Being inspired is a great feeling, especially when you feel like it is a level of inspiration you can maintain. I have the time to do this, I have the time to write and read and blog and journal. I'm capturing that time and using it again. It feels good!

Show and Tell

I've been buzzing around lately, and it feels good. I'm filling up my summer weekends, and it feels exciting. I'm looking forward and enjoying everyday (well most of everyday), and it feels right.

Just wanted to share that.

Dear Dad,

3 years ago on May 7th you took your last breaths. As your life left your body, ours were changing in so many ways, still entwined with you. As we moved through the beginning stages of grief, we each began to take on pieces of who you were, each of us embracing a part of you. Mom took on your bad boy qualities, Sammy thought he had to take over the role as “Dad” but that’s another story, and I took on your responsible qualities. It wasn’t an ideal way to be living, but we got through and learned a lot and are such a strong family now. A family with a huge gaping hole, but still a strong one. We protect our weakness through being grounded in it, and grounded in groundlessness. I think we’ve gotten pretty good at it. Wow that sounded like Mom.
So now, it is 3 years later. The first year, we had the unveiling and I was home for the week. I had just moved to NYC to be with Matt, and was in all honesty pretty depressed. That week Mom and Sam were driving me crazy and I felt like I had to take care of everything. It wasn’t a great time for any of us, a year is nothing and we certainly had only begun to heal. I remember being so annoyed with everyone and wanting nothing more than to get out of there. The unveiling was what it was, they are never easy, I have found.
The second year was better, I had settled in to the city, I was planning a wedding, Mom had met someone, and we had figured out the right roles to be in. We spent the end of the month in CA, our new smaller family (But maybe not since Matt was/is a part of it now) and it felt good and I felt happy and sad, I let myself feel both things.
So here we are, the third year. I took the day off today, to let myself reflect and be with my thoughts.
I walked around the park earlier this afternoon and took some pictures. I sat on a bench and people watched, not sure if I was about to be rained on or not. Why is it always rainy around your deathaversarry? It felt good to be in nature as I let the day sink in, I could feel you all around me in it. Everything is so lush after all this rain, I can see the upside.
I feel sad. I miss you, I miss the family we had, I miss hearing you say, “Cub!”, I miss sharing my life with you and hearing your advice and wisdom. I miss watching you and Matt get to know each other and share interests with each other. I missed you walking me down the aisle and dancing with me at my wedding. I already miss my children not having their Grandpa Eric.
But Dad, life is good. I’m so madly in love with Matt and so honored to be his wife. I’m making my way in the world and kicking ass in my career. I have dreams and I’m going to keep making you proud like I told you I would. Mom has a new man in her life who is sweet, kind, caring and crazy about her and I’m so happy for her that she has found someone to keep sharing her life with that also cares about us. Sammy is finding his way in the world and is going to do great things with his life. He’s in Japan right now and I’m so proud of him and all that he is experiencing. I told you, we’re a strong little holey family and we’ve really figured out this life without you present in it. It just isn’t always easy.
There’s so much more I want to say, but I know you know.
I love you Dad,

Cub

Blowing Away

A few weeks ago a friend of Matt's, who of course I've become friendly with, wrote on my Facebook wall that she wanted to have a girls night with me. At first I thought, okay is there something she needs to talk about? But then I realized that she just wanted us to become friends. I thought, she must be feeling like she doesn't have enough female connections and is reaching out, and that is cool.
So we set a date and met up last night. She said in a G-Chat as we were planning that she was determined to get to know me, and know me she did.
After mentioning a vacation her and her husband have planned to Italy in July and asking if I've ever been, she got to know me very well. I launched in to my story, our story, of the last 3 years of my life, or really the first months after my Dad's death.
I could see her emotion on her face, her searching for something to say and all she could say is, "Wow. You're so strong." Then she said,"And you, you jsut talk about it, you just put it out there." I honestly think that is what blew her away more than my story. People don't talk about death. They don't talk about the things that scare them. I think they need to, I think it is necessary to living a balanced and grounded life.
It makes me want to pick the memoir back up again. I need to keep putting down my story, so others are less scared to tell theirs. It is good to blow people away, and to be blown away every once in a while at how powerful you can be just by speaking your experiences.

Beautiful Life

I try to drink a cup of Slim Life Green Tea every morning. It tastes good, and I like what green tea does for me. I look forward to the little quotes that Yogi Teas put on their tabs at the end of the tea bag.
This morning it read, "The beauty of life is to experience yourself."
Something I've struggled with in the past few years is feeling balanced, grounded and present in the moment. I haven't been experiencing myself, who I am in the everyday. Well, I take that back, because I feel as though over the last 6 months I have been centering myself in who I am and where I am. Being unemployed, and having a lot of time on yours hands, after a major life event helps ground you. I took the time, while looking for a job, to enjoy myself. I took walks in the park, I spent time with friends, I spent time with my new husband. We let ourselves get wrapped up in each other and in who we were and where we were going.
So, back to the present moment. I read the tag this morning and thought, “Yeah, that is the beauty of life.” To know who you are, to be confident and assured in yourself. To let yourself be true to your nature and your nurture.
I will be honest in this exploration and say that in the past month Yoga has helped me become more grounded in myself. I leave a class refreshed and calmed, walking higher and slower. That is good for me, I need that. The part of my nature that dominates is moving fast, and I don't want to move so fast that I'm not experiencing myself and what is beautiful in that.
I know there is a piece of me that is calm, a piece of me that can sit in a moment and take it in piece by piece and savor it and revel in the quietness and enjoyment. I want to balance that with my fast talking, fast walking, get it all done now side. Part of the reason Matt is the perfect husband for me is that he nurtures that piece of me, encourages me, pushes me, helps me slow down.
Right now I feel more grounded in moments than I have in some time, and what amazes me is there are so many things I want, so many more pieces of my life I want to build and put in to place- but I'm not allowing that planning to pull me out of these moments, I'm not living in the future as I used to. I know they will happen, I know I will get there. I also now that life is beautiful, especially when I slow down and experience myself.

Umbrella Etiquette

I "studied" abroad in London. I put that in quotes, because I actually did a work abroad program where I got an internship and had to take one class (I took "Modern Theater and the London Stage which meant getting to see some plays for free!") and then write a paper about my internship/experiences after the program.
Point is, I lived in London from January-April. It rained while I was there.
One of the first things I noticed when walking the London streets during the frequent showers was how efficient people were with their umbrellas. I enjoyed watching the rising and falling tops of umbrellas as their owners navigated the busy streets. I was fascinated by this practice and immediately instituted it. Really, I had to in order to get by walking to and from work, the tube, the pub, you get the point.
Why haven't American's caught on to this? I walk through rainy New York and want to yell at everyone who walks around clueless with their umbrella getting in everyone's way. Just lift it up, you won't get wet, in fact you'll help your fellow New Yorker who is trying to get around you not get wet. Even when I lift mine up, people don't lower theirs a bit to let me get around them more easily, do they not get it?
I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. New Yorkers may be known for moving quickly, but I think that stereotype needs to be corrected. New Yorkers just don't care about what is going on around them. If they want to walk quickly, they will. If they want to stand in the middle of the sidewalk with their dogs wandering out in a radius around them talking on their cell phone, they will. If they want to walk really slowly and weave across the entire sidewalk so that no one can pass them, they will. New Yorkers just don't care.

There should be classes for this stuff.

End rant.

Passover

Passover, as most Jewish holidays, is about food and story telling. We gather family or friends, or friends and family and participate in a Seder. Seder means order. The story is told in a particular order with certain steps to take as you go through it. That doesn't mean you can't skip, you can, and most Reform Jews do, liberally.
On Passover we tell the story of the Jews' exodus from Egypt where they were enslaved. Jewish men used lamb blood to mark the houses of Jews so that when the Angel of Death came to smite each Egyptian's first born (the final plague) those houses would be Passed-Over.

This is the first year I've truly let myself be a part of Passover. Last year there was a family Seder, but I wasn't committed and I didn't keep Passidic (Not eating leavened things to remember how quickly the Jews had to flee Egypt, not allowing their bread to rise)
After my Dad died, I didn't want to celebrate anything, and in the eyes of Judaism I shouldn't have for a full year. So, when Passover came around in the first Spring since my Dad had died, I let it pass me by. I wasn't ready to connect to it again until this year.
At my Mom's Seder we utilized the Haggadah (The book used for the Seder) my Dad had put together many years ago. His Seder was comprimised of this Haggadah (bits and pieces he had taken from other Haggadah's) and the stack of reference materials he'd come to the table with, should any interesting points need to be raised. He loved learning and teaching.
As we sat down on Saturday night I realized how long it had been since I'd let myself fully participate in a Seder. The years before my Dad died I was busy with other things, I went to a couple of family Seder's but the meaning never really sunk in, and at one I was so doped on pain meds from having my Wisdom Teeth out that I was asleep half the time.
I took pleasure in going through the Haggadah my Dad had put together. I thought about how thrilled he'd be that we were using it, that we were discussing points, that all these people who have been in our life for so long were back together again celebrating the Holiday.
At one point we were reading a page and our family friend Mark said, "I have Eric's copy (indeed the front did have Eric written on it) and this page is crossed out." We all laughed, he put in skips! So we skipped!
As we went through the night and I spoke with people I hadn't seen in years about how nice it was to all be back in this capacity again, I realized what I had been missing out on. I'd been avoiding Passover because it was a holiday that meant a lot to my Dad. The history, the sharing of view points, the telling of stories, these were all things he loved so much about Judaism. All things that I'm sure he wants me to enjoy, to carry on, to take part in fully. I realized that these past few years I was being passed over, or maybe I was passing over experiences I should have been a part of. I thought I was passing over the pain, but with all things related to grief you can't pass it over, no matter what you put on your doorpost it is coming for you, sooner or later.
So as continue to avoid the leavened items in my kitchen (If I was Orthodox they would all be thrown out!) I look forward to many Passovers to come, Passovers that I fully participate in, and hopefully many Seder's I will be host with a Haggadah put together in honor of my Dad.

Rambling on a Mac

I'm trying out my Bro's new MacBook so I feel like doing something where I get to use the keyboard a lot because I really like the feel of it. So you lucky readers get a blog post since I don't have any emails to respond to and facebook and twitter are boring me.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table. An Orchid my Mom got when she had surgery the year before my Dad died is blooming again after 3+ years. It is beautiful. 8 or so flowers, white in the center with soft pinks on lining the edges of the flowers.
I talked to a co-worker about loving Orchids today. He spoke about a friend's father that grew them when he was younger and all the different plants he had and what he did to take care of him. I referenced the Orchid Thief and he chuckled. I felt good. I am by no means an expert, but I love the plants and it felt kind of like I was admitted to the club to be able to make a reference to the book that went over well. It makes me want to buy another orchid and not kill it this time. I have a green thumb, but I can't seem to keep them alive. I know it has more to do with my apartment than me and I'm not willing to invest in a heat lamp.
I had a massage today at work (brought in a massage therapist to give massages to employees for $1/minute to help her raise money for team in training) that hurt, in a good way. She really worked out some shit in my shoulders, I feel lighter.
I'm looking forward to going back to Yoga next week, I want to do a couple more beginner classes and then get in to the hot power yoga. yeah!
Ramble ramble- I love this Mac keyboard. Time to sign off though.
Goodnight!

Dogs and Kids

Things I've learned so far dog sitting about how Matt and I will be as parents:

1. I will be the disciplinarian day to day, but Matt will be bad cop and I'll be good cop.
2. Matt will be uptight about things I'll let kids get away with.
3. We'll both be very loving and involved parents, duh I already knew this one.
4. We'll love having fun with our children.
5. Matt will want to have family time in bed, where we all cuddle up and watch a movie
6. We'll completely share the poop duty.
7. I'll probably take over the food duty for the most part.
8. Matt will be the patient one.
9. I'll be the parent who is up front with the faster kid and Matt will be behind with the kid who wants to lag and be slower.
10. We're going to be great!

Focus!

I can't focus. I stare at the screen and can't pick one thing to do. I'm a little jumpy. Maybe it is that I haven't had a good hard workout in a few days, maybe it is feeling like I need a real day off. Who knows. What I do know is that I can't focus.
I have something to work on that I enjoy, that is very HRey and yet I still can't even focus on that! I want to putter around the internets and kill time. I want to go walk around SoHo and spend money I don't have. Actually, I don't want to do that, but in the past I would!
I want something delicious to drink, and something crunchy to munch on. I want to be working closer to him so my commute isn't so long.
I want to not be working at all, or working for myself.
I want it to be Spring and for my ears to not still be thawing after the walk to work.
Yeah, maybe that is what this all comes down to. I'm going stir crazy because my body is ready for it to be Spring, and that weather out there is NOT Spring weather.
I wish I could say I feel better. But I don't. I'm going to go walk around the office with purpose so it looks like I have something to do, but really it is just an excuse to get up from my unfocused desk.

$9 bottle of wine

TGIF.
I've always had good luck on Friday the 13th. Today wasn't one of those days. I think I need to chalk it up to not letting myself just float through the moments, not letting myself sit back and let things unfold. Letting myself feel to much emotion for inconsequential things, letting myself hold on to things too closely and too harshly.
I came home with a $9 bottle of wine from Best Cellars. It was delicious and light and just what I needed. A quick shot to the head of wine. Perfect.
I came home to a husband who always calms me, relaxes me, helps me melt the day away... just with his presence.
I came home and immediately felt better.
I drew in my journal- mostly just lines and symbols. It helped.
I signed up for indeed.com alerts. That helped too.
I may be being reactive, but maybe doing it now is actually proactive. I think my fear stems from someone else being reactive, but better for me to stay out ahead of it, right? Even if it is just nonsense. Sorry to be vague, I just don't want to get in to that stuff here, and it is nothing serious- so don't worry.
I have a cup of tea brewing in front of me. Yogi bedtime calm. It tells me, "By honoring your words, you are honored." So, here I am using my honored words to honor myself.
I will have a lovely and relaxing weekend, that will be honoring myself.
TGIF

In my blood

I'm organizing an in-office blood drive through the NY Blood Center and have been for the last few months. The date kept getting pushed back because other things were popping up. (Funny side note, I was editing reviews for people and someone wrote: "She's great at figuring problems out when the poop up.")
The woman I dealt with was a real piece of work, she defines the saying. She must be great at her job because there was no way I was forgetting about doing this drive. When she finally got me on the phone, I showed great patience(I'm not too proud to admit it) and listened to her and answered her questions and she got me to nail down a date. Seriously, good at her job.
The next step was an in person meeting, something I was not looking forward to. This woman came in as a force. She had a huge bag, charms all over her cell phone and a lot to say.
She continually complimented me, complimented the office (it is not that nice). She seemed like she couldn't get over me, it was kind of funny and flattering too. The meeting was actually really informative and she was a pleasure to meet with.
So this afternoon she calls me, she went on for a bit about what a pleasure it was to meet with me, what a great thing I'm doing and how she's been thinking about me and my personality, how it is just great. It was kind of cute and then I moved on to other things.
As I left the office today, and was taking in how it was still light out, I thought about the phone call again. I like to think of myself as a centered (for the most part) person, someone who cares about other people while still caring for and about themselves. Someone who wants to see the good in people, situations, etc. I'm an optimistic person. I also think because of what I've gone through in my early twenties I am someone who probably has a bit of an older soul than other people my age. So I thought, maybe she saw all this? Maybe she is someone who picks up on people's auras, what they put out in to the world that isn't seen by the naked eye. I can't imagine that just meeting with me once and talking on the phone with me she would pick up and express all that she has, especially since I sent her some curt emails at the beginning.
It made me feel good. I want to know that who I feel I am is put out in to the world without me consciously knowing it, I suppose because that means it truly is who I am. I guess it solidified for me a confidence in what I'm doing and who I've become. Geez, this Blood Drive organizer is really really good at her job.

That Time

I was walking to the train this morning thinking about how I hadn't really written here recently. (I've been keeping up pretty well with my other blogs) I was thinking how I wanted to write a cheesy post about how happy I am. Blissfully so I've been saying.

I was thinking how, I don’t often want to write posts describing my luck in finding a partner who so perfectly complements me, and who so often compliments. But I should write them I convinced myself. And maybe it will help others be inspired to find that in their lives, although I will say it doesn’t always happen and I don’t think it happens often and I consider myself truly among the luckiest who get to find that. Sorry, that's probably uninspiring.

So, obviously I hadn’t written that post yet, I would probably have tonight.

I sat down and looked at this picture. Immediately my mind jumped to a longing, a deep missing of my Dad. We’re so carefree and happy in the picture, despite the crushing loss to the Angels we witnessed that day. I just wanted to sit down and be sad, and of course I wanted to write it out. So there goes the I’m so happy post.

It is that time of year again when the feelings of sadness are stronger, when they come on unexpectedly and linger for longer.

I find myself most of the time living with this kind of foggy knowledge of a piece missing, but my life is full and I’m living well. Then February turns in to March and my head goes back to the time when that foggy knowledge was a strong anxious feeling of an impending loss, and then comes April and I’m back in panic mode and then we reach May and I’m just in a fog of sadness again, I turn foggy.

I know it is coming, and so I prepare for it when I think of it, but I don’t think there is anything I can do except ride with it. The biggest lesson I’ve learning, and it was a hard one to learn, is to just feel. You have to be present to the feeling, you have to let your body and mind succumb to it and it will flow in and then out of you. I promise, it will flow out if you let it. Too many people feel the emotions flow in to them and then shut their body up so it never leaves. It weighs on them, twisting and turning inside. I know. I’ve been there.

The same can be true of good emotions too, feel them, breath them in and let them fill you. The real test is letting them both be inside you at once. I can’t let my blissful happiness and fullness of love leave just because some sadness enters. I don’t have to let it leave. I will be present to them both. Because if my Dad left me one legacy it was how to build a life full of love, love you are proud of and show. He was never afraid of emotions, he once rewound the end of Sleepless in Seattle over and over to watch the end and let himself cry. And boy do I miss getting to tease him about that.

Greener

I was thinking today how for so much of the last 2+ years I've been waiting for the next big thing. I don't think I've really felt settled in a place since the first few years out of college, when life was just about taking this exciting new step and settling in to being a grown up. I had fun, I didn't think too much about the future and for most of my time in Somerville Matt was living nearby.

After my Dad died I concentrated on living in the moment, just being in that second and getting to the next. Then I decided to move to NY and everything was about getting there. Then I got here and everything was about getting a job. Then I got a job and next was getting engaged. We got engaged, then it was about the WEDDING. We got married!!! But we also got unemployed and it was about getting a job, if it hadn't have been about that, it would have been about getting a house. Now we're employed, and staying here for another year, but I don't feel the settled feeling I'd like to feel as a newlywed. I am blissfully happy with my husband, but not with my situation.
I want a house, I want a yard, I want to make a place ours, our first place.
I can't watch the new home shows on HGTV anymore because it makes me too anxious, too uncomfortable, too I want to be there and I can't be for my own good.
The timing isn't right for us, but the problem is it was and then that got screwed up because of losing jobs and a losing economy. It was supposed to be our time, and it isn't anymore and now I can't just sit with it and be happy where I am.
It is like I've been in this head first into the next thing phase for so long that I can't just sit back and be happy and settled. I want so badly to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing next. It is who I am. I am results oriented, I am driven, I go out and get it, which makes me a great employee and business woman, but is not always so great when I have to wait for the right time. The thing is I have patience, for many many things, but not for this.
How do I get back to just being in a moment and letting myself be? How do I just sit back and let things happy the way they will, not the way I want them too? There must be a flip I can switch somewhere, or is it not that easy? I have a feeling it's not.
When I'm sitting in a desk chair I'm usually leaning forward, I just realized that. Leaning in to the words, in to the computer, in to what I'm about to do next even though I haven't finished what is right in front of me.
Things are good right now. I have a husband I adore, who adores me. I have a job in an economy when they are scarce. I have my family and friends who are all healthy and happy. Things are good right now, and I need to start taking that in instead of jumping to a place where I think they might be better.
The grass is greener right below your feet.

You next to me

I have this issue that I am compelled to write about now since I'm presently dealing with it. I can't fall asleep unless Matt is home. And lately, now that we are on similar schedules it is hard for me to fall asleep without him in bed.
I guess it makes sense, when we weren't living together I had trouble falling asleep without talking to him before I went to bed.
I am a very independent woman, I think Matt and I have the appropriate and healthy level of co-dependency. We are married, after all. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that we want to spend as much time together as possible. Yet, sometimes it troubles me that I have this issue.

Tonight, for example, I intended to go to bed early, and all signs were pointing to this happening. I got in bed at 10:15 with my book and read for about 35 minutes. I felt sleepy so I turned off the light and tucked myself in. Then my mind starts racing, and I start listening for the door. Then I heard something fall and I thought, oh good he's home and he's just knocked something over. So, of course still being awake I got up. And, lo and behold he's not home and something just fell on its own. So now, I'm really up and I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep without him getting home. It is a mix of the comfort of him being in the bed with me and anxiety at his not being home and thus me not knowing he is safe.

I guess my being troubled comes from the place of it being inconvenient for me, among these other things. I wanted to get up early tomorrow and work out, and now when my alarm goes off at 5:45 it is less likely I will respond to it.

But as I think this through I have to remember how lucky I am to have a man I want next to me, to have someone to worry about and listen for at night, and most importantly who wants to be next to me each and every night for the rest of our lives.
Speaking of which, he just got home. Goodnight!