Sunday, February 5

When One Door Closes

I buried my cat this morning, and met a friend for lunch that is starting the process of burying her relationship. When I was driving back from lunch there were these moments of brilliant sun light and then when you looked ahead, towards where I was heading home, it was dark and dreary clouds. Foreboding. When I pulled up to my house there was a stream of sun light pouring towards the house, and yet the foreboding clouds were still hovering over it. We'll all get through it, we'll mourn our loses and the sun will keep shining through our clouds to guide us to the next cycle. With my cat gone it is the door opening for my parents to hopefully adopt a cat from a woman who desperately needs a good home for hers. And, the friend burying the relationship will have many doors opening to move into and out of. Its quiet in the house, and it was quiet when Lyla was still alive- she had gotten so old she mostly just slept, but its the kind of quiet that comes when you're missing a piece of the puzzle and the new shape doesn't feel quite right yet. Yet.

I found her when I came home last night. My parents were in the air flying back from vacation. It was one of my fears, that I would come home to an empty house some night for a visit and she wouldn't be just sleeping on the grate she would have passed. "She fell asleep where she was happy." The Boy commented, and its true. I'm sure she was happy, fading into a permanent sleep. I didn't see her body moving with her breathing, that was my first sign. I thought that maybe it was just such a shallow breath I couldn't see it. I petted her a couple of times to see if it would rouse her, she felt stiff. I sat in the living room and called Sammy to break the news and hope he would drive up from Worcester. I walked back over to where she was laying and pushed on her feet, knowing it would just confirm what I already knew, but feeling like I had to do a lot more to actual believe it. Her body was so stiff. I went upstairs and sat, zoned out on the couch until Sammy got home, talking to the friend, distracting myself with the lose she was beginning. The house was freezing, I didn't want the air blowing through her causing smells or disturbances. Sammy brought people, more life to the house, I had people over too, I needed the distractions, the noises the fun, the beer.

We buried her with some deli turkey, which she loved. All standing together, all taking turns with the shovel. A foggy mist hovered in the air, the sun hadn't broken through yet. We said our goodbyes as the water vapor surronded us, a heaviness in the air, a heaviness in our hearts. Another door would open, the sun would stream through. We knew that, but Lyla's door was closing and we needed to lean against it for a bit longer.

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